Kelsey Beyer
Perfect the art of
leaning on things. Once mastered,
hook thumbs into jeans.
Drink excessively
the whole night. When she’s nearby,
talk a lot louder.
Say “Hi.” Before she
can respond, run outside and
hail a taxi home.
Name obscure “shipping”
reference. When she does not
get it, run away.
Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don’t give it to her! Hope
she gets the “message.”
Knit your feelings for
her using symbols culled from
dream dictionaries.
Visit a witch store.
Not for spells, just to support
local queer business!
Tell her how you feel …
in Caesar cipher morse code
sent to PostSecret.
Hack her Netflix so
your fave films show up. Post “fate”
quotes on Pinterest.
Learn how to play pool.
Then how to ignore all who
distract from your game.
Write an acrostic
poem that spells out her first
name in Navajo.
Send her a text with
emojis of a peach and
dancing bunny girls.
Meet crush. Think she’ll make
the first move. She thinks you will.
Both die celibate.
When the bar plays
Tegan and Sara, nod your head
more vigorously.
Go to Trader Joe’s
any day but Saturday.
(That’s just good advice.)
Write a haiku book
(with cats).* Fill with deep longings.
Sign hers “TRANSFERENCE.”
* The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) comes out in April and cats everywhere are already disinterested and sleeping on your laptops like they always do. Sign up for Anna’s newsletter for more info, more haikus, and more transference.
the art of leaning on things tho
I may have realized I did this while chatting with a cute boy yesterday. I am a lady and I’m pretty sure this is even worse for flirting with guys than it is for flirting with ladies.
I once placed my arm on the upper part of the doorframe and leaned in slightly whilst flirting with a guy who was a bit shorter than me and he was NOT CHILL about it and I am still slightly mortified I did that.
I am slightly proud of you for doing that and a lot of “lulz man tears” of him for being like that.
That was an A+ Stella Gibson move, go you.
But it shows off your boobs and waist! There is no reason for this not to be a good move! (that’s not why I do it, I do it because I don’t like standing up straight for very long.)
Totally takes me back to my college days, to my first lesbian bar, watching my friend leaning against a wall and smoking and wondering why no one approached her.
i really don’t see why they didn’t. i picked that move in particular bc it tooooooooootally gets me, tho i’d still fail to act, resulting in the later haiku of “die celibate”
“Die celibate” made me laugh out loud because it hit a little too close to home.
As someone who passed a trader joe’s with a line stretching around the corner to get in two saturdays ago I feel this is some real, solid advice.
I just had so many flashbacks.
I’m pretty straight (and married), but reading this and weirdly identifying with it, I wonder if I should have tried my hand at being bad at attracting women instead of focusing all my energy on being bad at attracting men.
You could always join the ranks of we who are bad attracting anyone. Shyness knows no gender.
And my axe!
(Seriously, how to attracting? what are flirt?)
The Tipping the Velvet one is TOO REAL, too close to home.
Last year – LAST YEAR – I was like ‘wait… she gave me a book of Sappho’s poems for my birthday. In high school’.
LAST YEAR I REALISED THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
Last.
Year.
(I’m not over it)
I’ve been there – which is why I love this cartoon about missed signals
http://www.autostraddle.com/saturday-morning-cart…
Yeah, I’m pretty sure when I was a baby queer my “pickup” “strategy” was to sit in a cafe with a book about lesbians and hope someone would approach me.
Related: did not go on a date with a woman for many years to come.
Linger just outside
her art history class, but
miss her anyway
Watch Star Wars just to
have a reason to hang out.
Go on three dates–win!
Attend library school,
Announce you’re a lesbian,
Guaranteed success.
I recently finished my Library and Information Studies MA. In my first few weeks, I plucked up the courage to attend an event for LGBTQ postgrads (it was the first time I’d ever explicitly identified myself as queer in public). There were two people from my course there. Librarians are super queer, it turns out.
eeeee that illustration! DTWOF-but-with-cats book cover!
this is just some close-up spot art, in the book you will be able to see the whole thing:) i am impressed you could identify that book cover from just the corner!
Smile at her a lot,
And make sure you’re doing that
Fuck-me eyebrow thing
hello how can i sue you for so closely observing my life?
Post this piece on her
Facebook page. Give no context,
only “hahaha.”
Admire her tattoo
Show her your tatto which means
Taking off your shirt
I, too, enjoyed the Wachowski film Bound.
Ask a mutual
Friend if she will be at the
Next women’s bathhouse
(THIS IS LITERALLY HOW I AM IN MY CURRENT 8 YEAR RELATIONSHIP!)
Put on your best clothes
write speech declaring your love
Hide under your bed
These are the struggles I never had to go through with my now-husband. I just flashed a tit while holding an X-Box controller, and then we got an apartment.
This is EXTREMELY timely.
Although actually they make me feel like I am actually doing pretty well to have initiated contact not one but SEVERAL times, but I’m sure that will end when it turns out she will never love me.
OK maybe I have watched too many k-dramas but a good, smouldering, sexy lean totally works on me.
Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don’t give it to her! Hope
she gets the “message.”
YEP. literal yep.
It’s in the drawer of my bedside table right now.
Get extremely stoned
Kiss your best friend at bad movie
Never mention again
Hot butch online now!
How to flirt? Toast has my back.
Send link . Genius.
(I tried this on OK Cupid. It did not work.)
Crush is back in town?
Is it too late to obtain
alt lifestyle hair cut?
Refer to ex to
signal single. But ex is
male. Bi girl lament.
(Also, I really wish this had come out last night so I could have had ineffective flirting strategies beyond ‘picking on her while playing Uno, but like, super meaningfully’. It’s okay – she flies out for the snow season today so I have like four months to think of ways to not tell her I’m interested.)
Leaning on things worked for Jordan Catalano, why can’t it work for me?
You think she’s gold star
She thinks you’re experienced
Find truth together.
(true story)
(it went well)
(still together)
Queer chick blues:
She has sapphire eyes
And a sweet long term boyfriend.
Distract from feelings –
Make out with hot dude
Who’s leaving town. She flashes
Sad eyes. GODDAMN IT.
Goddamit. One time, ONE TIME, I’d like leaning suggestively to work. sigh.
This was a little to real though.
If it worked for Paul Newman, why can’t it work for me?
NB: I can’t actually recall a specific instance of Paul Newman leaning suggestively, but I can imagine it, and it feels right, which means it counts.
Discuss your feelings with your crush
until you talk the possibility
of getting together to death
Policy: ~if you can't handle me at my butchest, you don't deserve me at my femmest~ (and the other way around)
I am SO oblivious when it comes to other humans’ advances* that I’ve resigned myself with the idea of becoming a crazy cat lady before I’m even 30.
I think I might need help.
* And am also totally unable to advance another human myself, and am also convinced that everbody gets sarcasm.
“Like” all her selfies
“Like” all of her cosplays too
Avoid her at con
(Okay I didn’t avoid her per se I just didn’t go looking for her, because I’m ten years older and have a boyfriend anyway, and there’s no good way to be like “Hi I know I’m older and in a relationship but I have a make-out pass for conventions.” And then she DID get flirty with me, but not until the last night of the con when she was drunk, so no. I’m not even sure she remembers. Blargh.)
HAHAHAHAH SEEING THIS POST AGAIN FIVE MONTHS LATER
I still can’t tell if she’s flirting with me. >_<
I've done so many of these things it's not even funny
Tell her to ask out
that girl from work–hope she gets
it’s a selfless act.