Illustration by Kelsey Beyer FOR THE LOVE OF THE
GODDESS, SOMEONE PLZ THINK OF
GENDER ESSENTIALISTS.
I can’t even see
straight! Plus, I’m far-sighted. These
glasses are Warbys.
My ex-girlfriend is
crazy! This totally relates
somehow to Gaza.
You know that comment
is recyclable, right? Bin
it to win it, girls!
Don’t label me! I’m
a non-het-identified
poly pagan witch.
What community?
This is not community!
This is a salad!
I had a salad
once. It reminded me of
Guantanamo Bay.
What would Tilda
Swinton do? Ride a pegasus
into the sunset?
Your use of the word
“straightish” is DEFAMATORY
to bisexuals.
We are all a
little bisexual. Bisexuals
don’t exist.
I find this whole thing
oppressive. Try commenting
in Darfur, bitches!
What are “lesbians”
anyway? Social constructs
in slouchy blazers.
You are a bigot.
No YOU are a bigot. YOU
ARE THE BIGOTEST.
As a pear lover,
you CAN’T love grapes. Somehow this
relates to gender.
I like pears and grapes.
And mandarins. I could do
without oranges, though.
YOU WILL NOT TELL ME
WHAT I CAN PUT IN A FRUIT
SALAD. OPPRESSION!
Guys, can’t we all just
enjoy fruit salad? You did
not just call me ‘GUY’!
I don’t care what fruit
you eat as long as it is
organic, ok?
We are all fruit
salad. Except tomatoes.
Fuck that.
Um, that is not a
haiku. A haiku follows
5-7-5 form.
YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT
A HAIKU IS. I REJECT YOUR
RIGID PHALLOCENTRIC STRUCTURES. OOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE? SEE IT! I
JUST MADE THIS HAIKU INTO A
PENIS. BECAUSE JUDITH BUTLER.
I am a man who’s
pretending to be a lez.
Look at my penis!
No really, what would
Tilda Swinton do? I am
super curious.
It’s been many years
but I’m not done griping
about The L Word.
No one has mentioned
Ruby Rose for five seconds.
Ruby Rose, you guys!
The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) is out today! A hearty thanks to The Toast for making this book possible, and for all your great comments, LOLz, and encouragement. You are the everything to my bagel.
