Texts From Lord Byron -The Toast

Texts From Lord Byron

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on November 7, 2013 in Texts From

Previous entries in the series can be found here. Most recently: Texts From Emma.

uuuuuuugghhhh my life
what is it?
what’s wrong?
uuuuuuuugh
is there something specific that’s the matter?
or anything I can do to help?
uuuugh
my liiiiife
do you want me to come over?
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughghghghhhhh

oh my god
what
this guy
this publisher guy
is asking me about my favorite canto in Child Harolde
that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter
his half-sister or his cousins
it’s literally impossible

hey
do you think we could just stay in tonight maybe
i’m so wiped out from last night
we could just stay in
get in our jammies and not see anyone
maybe build a fire
oh wow
really?
hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
i’m coming over in five minutes
oh
btw
do you have that cream from before
the anti chafing cream
we’re going to need a lot of it
to prevent chafing
oh okay
choirboys chafe easy imho

uuuuuuuughhh
nothing’s any good
what’s the matter
EVERYTHING
do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain
i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain
of course i want to have sex with the rain
how can you even say that
i feel like you don’t even know me
maybe
you should focus
on all the things that you can have sex with
yeah
maybe
i just want to live
right
i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy
right yeah
and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t
uuuuuuuughhhh
i should just go die in Greece
what?
nothing

I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it
okay
Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,
Unknown to Glory, but upheld by Birth,
The sculptor’s art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below.
When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen,
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his Master’s own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonoured falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the Soul he held on earth –
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME
no sorry
fuck
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (49)

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+62 Vote up Vote down

Owl Queen 124p · 594 weeks ago

I feel like this Byron may have been one of my more regrettable encounters when I was 17.

I am pretty sure I got texts like this from one of them.

4 replies · active 594 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 594 weeks ago

I was just about to ask whether Mallory had found a load of texts from my ex... (Which I keep for comedy and blackmail purposes.)

+20 Vote up Vote down

Ophelia · 594 weeks ago

I also think i may have hooked up with Lord Byron. Whoops.

+18 Vote up Vote down

FionaChatwin 96p · 594 weeks ago

ME TOO. How many of them are there?!

+24 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 594 weeks ago

Maybe they're all the same one. He did get around, after all...

+70 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 594 weeks ago

hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
i’m coming over in five minutes

Oh Byron, you so crazy.

+38 Vote up Vote down

anachronistique 115p · 594 weeks ago

Coincidentally, this comic is November's page for my Kate Beaton calendar. It got a weird look from my boss yesterday. Whoops.

5 replies · active 594 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

scriblerus3 86p · 594 weeks ago

I also adore this one: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=56

+41 Vote up Vote down

drladybusiness 117p · 594 weeks ago

I consider that canonical Byron.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Bittersweet · 594 weeks ago

Bitches, man.

+39 Vote up Vote down

aquamarinaveen 115p · 594 weeks ago

Try and find a place here that I haven't put my penis in
It's not easy

+11 Vote up Vote down

zizzivivizz 103p · 594 weeks ago

I have this same calendar! But it's in my kitchen because then I can flip through it and giggle day and night. I mean, when I'm not busy with my packed packed packed social life.

+56 Vote up Vote down

Passing_Strange 101p · 594 weeks ago

"i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy"
Same.

1 reply · active 594 weeks ago

+54 Vote up Vote down

meanchelled 134p · 594 weeks ago

that line is my greece and my sex pigeon, and I died there

+16 Vote up Vote down

Spinozagal 70p · 594 weeks ago

This brings back memories of one summer spent memorizing Childe Harold with my BFF. Boy can Byron write. Too bad he was such a miserable human.
"sex chafing" tag how apropos.

+141 Vote up Vote down

hurdyburdy 150p · 594 weeks ago

Byron's primary virtue was fathering Ada Lovelace, WHO'S WITH ME? /poetrytrolling

10 replies · active 594 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

BellaG · 594 weeks ago

*waves Ada Lovelace flag*

+12 Vote up Vote down

Doctor Jay · 594 weeks ago

Oh hell yes!

+23 Vote up Vote down

elesmi 106p · 594 weeks ago

I'M WITH YOU! I've been desperately squashing bugs all morning and it's not even noon yet. Texts from the father of the AMAZING Ada Lovelace was just what I needed.

+15 Vote up Vote down

msjinxie 106p · 594 weeks ago

Wait, WHAT? I didn't know that! HOW did I not know that??

+27 Vote up Vote down

scopypdx 102p · 594 weeks ago

Also debugging this morning. Unity!
I've always said my son is very lucky I didn't go on and name him Ada anyway.

+14 Vote up Vote down

Steph 99p · 594 weeks ago

Poetrytrolling, ahahaha.

Also, AGREED.

+17 Vote up Vote down

Spinozagal 70p · 594 weeks ago

There was a movie made about Ada starring Tilda Swinton some years back. The movie wasn't great but it's Tilda Swinton as Ada Lovelace and I had dreams about them for 3 nights after, so that kind of made up for it.
Tilda & Ada forever!!!!!!!!

+5 Vote up Vote down

Rosie 86p · 594 weeks ago

Ohmygosh, I have to find that movie! <3 Tilda!

+6 Vote up Vote down

Spinozagal 70p · 594 weeks ago

The movie is called Conceiving Ada. It's set up as a kind of thriller. The director tries to make a statement about the barriers women face in the field of science but it gets bogged down by the technical stuff. However it's definitely worth checking out for Tilda, as lovely and vibrant as her Derek Jarman days.

+11 Vote up Vote down

brigidkeely 112p · 594 weeks ago

http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=298

Kate Beaton did a comic about Ada and her mamma.

+55 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 594 weeks ago

God, Byron would absolutely type every damn line of his latest poems in a text.

+55 Vote up Vote down

thejcar 126p · 594 weeks ago

that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter
his half-sister or his cousins
it’s literally impossible

AHAHAHA, laughing forever.

+11 Vote up Vote down

boothjacobs 111p · 594 weeks ago

i can't breathe

1 reply · active 594 weeks ago

+57 Vote up Vote down

Ophelia · 594 weeks ago

because of the chafing?

+122 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 594 weeks ago

this post has 69 facebook likes NOBODY ELSE LIKE IT

+7 Vote up Vote down

causedbycomma · 594 weeks ago

"It's for sure SOME" OH HELLS YEAH. I don't know anyone like this now, but yeah, I made out with that guy in highschool too... Of course he did not have kids then (I HOPE OH GOD), but I assume by now he's in that situation...

+14 Vote up Vote down

lyetteann 112p · 594 weeks ago

choirboys chafe easy imho

...and then I died.

2 replies · active 537 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

mbculver 114p · 594 weeks ago

I feel like that would be tip #387 in Lord Byron's Guide to Better Sex, coming from Random House in Fall 2014.

+5 Vote up Vote down

Kitty · 537 weeks ago

Please please pretty please make it so. I need to know exactly how one should go about the logistics of a threesome with the moon and jealousy.

+39 Vote up Vote down

Katherine · 594 weeks ago

Oh god. This is amazing. Finally I have a reason to write this: Actual* Texts From Byron to His Sister

Byron: so uh yeah I totally hit that
Augusta: what.
Byron: don't scold me
Augusta: ...
Byron: but she threw herself at me! I tried but I couldn't help it! I had no choice! what was I supposed to do??? WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMES PRANCING TO YOU AT ALL HOURS.
Augusta: ...
Byron: whatever that's all there is to know, it's over

Byron: oh p.s. i forgot to tell you there's gonna be a baby byron now, I kind of knocked that chick up, can you raise the kid
Augusta: why are you texting me this
Byron: what?
Augusta: I just feel like maybe this is too heavy for a P.S.???
Byron: whatever
Augusta: ...
Byron: yeah so she's coming to england, don't tell mary, k thanks bye

* in the sense that all of these are real letters that went down more or less EXACTLY LIKE THIS and I'm not even touching the incestual stuff

+24 Vote up Vote down

Leigh · 594 weeks ago

I just snorted out loud at my desk. The poem had me near tears thinking of my sweet dogs and then
"hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?"

*snort*

+63 Vote up Vote down

Megano! 114p · 594 weeks ago

Let's be real here: this should be called "Sexts from Lord Byron."

4 replies · active 594 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

CordeliaFitz 121p · 594 weeks ago

He knew no other mode of communication.

+19 Vote up Vote down

rkfire 117p · 594 weeks ago

So, do you think he would've been down with texting pictures of his penis or would that have been too crass and he would've stuck to just describing it in detail over text?

+29 Vote up Vote down

Megano! 114p · 594 weeks ago

Oh no, he'd be like, "it's much more beautiful in person" or something.

+19 Vote up Vote down

katherine · 594 weeks ago

he would have written it into something as a character. a Byronic hero, you might say. which also would have happened to be a thinly veiled standin for his junk.

+40 Vote up Vote down

youmisheardme 115p · 594 weeks ago

do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME

I AM LITERALLY FIGURATIVELY DYING. poor ada lovelace.

+76 Vote up Vote down

mollpants 98p · 594 weeks ago

Byron would also be like the king of vague Facebook status updates like "SIGH"

+12 Vote up Vote down

nicole_fcd · 594 weeks ago

so yeah this is epic

also I am imagining Shelley as the other half of the conversation here. not that he'd be much better at keeping track of how many kids Byron had, but... well he'd at least reply to the texts.

gosh I love the Romantics....

+10 Vote up Vote down

Hobbbes 118p · 594 weeks ago

Listen, I told my sister not one month ago that I would have been in a Lord Byron fandom in high school, had that been a thing. The brooding---it's irresistible. Well. Was.

+21 Vote up Vote down

lili · 594 weeks ago

I'm absolutely certain that modern lord byron would wear those chino shorts with little animals embroidered all over them in the summer, I have no idea why I feel so strongly about this, BUT I DO

+10 Vote up Vote down

Dorothy Parker · 594 weeks ago

The Lives and Times of John Keats,

Percy Bysshe Shelley, and

George Gordon Noel, Lord Byron

Byron and Shelley and Keats

Were a trio of Lyrical treats.

The forehead of Shelley was cluttered with curls,

And Keats never was a descendant of earls,

And Byron walked out with a number of girls,

But it didn't impair the poetical feats

Of Byron and Shelley,

Of Byron and Shelley,

Of Byron and Shelley and Keats.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Jane · 594 weeks ago

Oh my god, this whole series is amazing. Please do more. Please.

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