Quentin Tarantino’s Twenty-Year Plan -The Toast

Quentin Tarantino’s Twenty-Year Plan

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on June 2, 2014 in News

His muse is his at last! Twenty years after Quentin Tarantino directed Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Us Weekly can confirm that the two have taken their relationship to the next level. Sources tell Us that the pair recently spent time together at the 2014 Cannes Film Festival in the South of France, where they even shared a villa.

“They had a thing and got together again recently,” one insider tells Us. “He’s loved her for years.”

The Toast can confirm Quentin Tarantino’s 20-Year, 1000-Point Plan For Getting Uma Thurman To Date Me, the very existence of which has remained a hotly debated rumor in Hollywood for years. We have received exclusive publishing rights to reprint from it certain excerpts, which we will do so here.

1. Become internationally renowned filmmaker.

2. Pheromones?? (buy some)

3. Computer how to make human smile with face

4. Hugging: learn it

5. Buy private island, suggest Uma join me in a human-hunting expedition, as a bonding experience. Back off if she doesn’t seem into it.

6. Watch The Avengers (not the good one)

7. Stop using the n-word so much

8. Wear colorful hats

9. Save her from banditos

10. Watch as much of My Super Ex-Girlfriend as possible

11. Learn her favorite flavor of something

12. No more breaking into her apartment to give her foot massages while she’s sleeping; only give foot massages when awake

13. Save her from German cattle rustlers

14. Maybe as a joke thing, I’d go up to her and be like, “Oh, hey, do you want to dance?” And she’d be like, “Eh, what the heck,” right? Or something, I don’t know.

15. Take her to Dairy Queen

16. Classy kidnapping

17. Practice making supportive human noises

18. Find something nice to say about The Avengers

19. Hulk serum?

20. Date Ethan Hawke to make her jealous

21. I’m so tired

22. Have her killed

23. Make her think I’m trying to have her killed but really throw a surprise birthday party for her at Chateau Marmont

24. Kill someone at birthday party?

25. Shoes

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (57)

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+79 Vote up Vote down

citizenchristy 120p · 565 weeks ago

The "insider" that says he's loved her for years could be LITERALLY ANYONE.

1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+58 Vote up Vote down

thewhelk 139p · 565 weeks ago

Wait a second here - in the MCU, Banner's gamma radiation test was an attempt to re-create the Super-Solider serum , Erksine's formula. Like the serum, the gamma program just brings out whatever is inside and makes it bigger, distilling it. So good natured moral Steve becomes superhuman pillar of decency Cap while an oozy Nazi becomes a Day Of The Dead decoration bent on world domination.

QT taking a "Hulk serum" would result in a refined, concentrated version of himself - made bigger, larger, more obvious.

It would result in Quentin Tarantino.

2 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+170 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 565 weeks ago

my favorite part (yes i have favorite parts of my own work) is that he doesn't think it's realistic to stop using the n-word altogether, just LESS OFTEN

2 replies · active 564 weeks ago

+43 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 565 weeks ago

Have her dog kidnapped. "Save" the dog

+66 Vote up Vote down

Rosie_M_Banks 124p · 565 weeks ago

I for one am looking forward to future uses of the "faking human behavior" tag.

+16 Vote up Vote down

thewhelk 139p · 565 weeks ago

ALSO, in ADDITION to blowing a great rom-com concept (What would it be like to date a superhero if you had no powers?) How the HELL do you have a movie called MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND without including the XTC song "That's Really Super, Supergirl."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4pmp9KsFW4&f...

I mean if you can't get that song you DON'T MAKE THE MOVIE.

Sheesh.

12 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+70 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 565 weeks ago

THANK YOU Quentin Tarantino is the fucking worst. I bet he always has a runny nose.

3 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

deliciousrecoil 86p · 565 weeks ago

This has officially made my day.

QULAITY CLEBRITY GOSZIP!

1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 565 weeks ago

I vote for number 9, with music and antiquated rape jokes. But it depends on what you pay.

+40 Vote up Vote down

queenofbithynia 137p · 565 weeks ago

Anybody remember the Alias episode where Quentin guest starred and Jennifer Garner had to pretend it would be possible for her to lose a physical fight to him and his manly punching skills? By "Anybody remember?" I mean "Everybody remembers, of course" because you don't forget that. anybody who watched that and still doubts that Jennifer Garner has amazing acting abilities come see me after class and we'll have a talk.

god remember how she fell down and made a pain-face just like it would actually hurt, what craft

8 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 565 weeks ago

Hah, at first I was like knee-jerk "EW OMG GROSS TARANTINO IS A NICE GUY (TM)" and then I read the whole article and it actually sounds like she's been into it here and there for the whole time so... good for them, I suppose.

8 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

naglayaxuliganka 108p · 565 weeks ago

No comment yet from the Russian band Uma Turman, who have been vying for her love for nearly as long:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MbFkdmbXa8

1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

Loony_Lovegood · 565 weeks ago

Man, I know some people in my life who could use some practice making "supportive human noises." Good on him for at least planning to try...

+18 Vote up Vote down

lesliejroot 116p · 565 weeks ago

I love this for a lot of reasons but I especially love that it gives voice to why the whole idea of muses creeps me out. You KNOW every dude-artist who has a "muse" has a more or less creepy version of this list.

+3 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 565 weeks ago

"6. Watch The Avengers (not the good one)"

Of course not the good one. Uma Thurman is probably tired of watching her own movies.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Marimo_Peaches 77p · 565 weeks ago

26. Chop off her hand

+1 Vote up Vote down

velvt_tea 135p · 565 weeks ago

all i care about is: does this mean kill bill 3 might actually happen?

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