How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics -The Toast

How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on October 14, 2014 in How to Talk to Babies

Previously: How to talk to babies about Marxist theory.

BABY: read dog book
ME: are you ready to find the antecedent
BABY: [holds out book] dog book
ME: okay are you encoding or decoding right now
ground yourself in context before looking for meaning
BABY: [waves book]
ME: thats right
find your spacetime coordinate

ME: [jingles keys]
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: okay baby
what are you laughing at
[jingles keys]
are you laughing at the signifier or the signified
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: STOP JERKING AROUND
LOCATE YOURSELF IN THE PEIRCIAN SEMIOTIC
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: NO
NOT IN THE SAUSSUREAN SEMIOTIC
IT’S TRIADIC, YOU IDIOT
FIND YOUR INTERPRETER
BABY: [gurgles happily]
ME: oh just take the keys

BABY: [crawls over footstool]
ME: okay, baby
baby look at me
this is great stuff
youre interacting with your umwelt
BABY: [crawls over blanket]
ME: can you identify your umwelt
BABY: mah
ME: is “mah” really your umwelt
try again
BABY: mama
ME: no
your mother is an absent referent right now
show me your umwelt
BABY: mahh nahh
ME: YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN UMWELT RIGHT NOW AS YOU NAVIGATE THE EVERYDAY OBJECTS OF THE WORLD THAT SURROUNDS YOU
THAT’S YOUR UMWELT
BABY: mahhhhh
ME: okay fine just show me the red block
BABY: [points at red block]
ME: wow are you really going to just let me TELL you what “red” is
lol ok

ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND SHOW ME THE REAL
BABY: [blows raspberries against own fists]
ME: TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ADDRESS THE CHARGES OF “PHYSICS ENVY” LEVIED AGAINST LACAN
BABY: [gnaws fists]
ME: just take your hands out of your mouth thats disgusting

ME: show me structuralism with your blocks
BABY: block
ME: i said show me structuralism
not identify the signifier
BABY: [puts red block on tan block]
ME: good
now show me the limits of structuralism
BABY: [throws blue block across the room]
ME: good
now show me post-structuralism
BABY: [knocks blocks over]
ME: very good
now use your blocks to show me the Problem of Dostoyevsky’s Poetics

BABY: read dog book again
ME: okay fine
show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: good
now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: now show me where the author is
BABY: [stares blankly]
ME: that’s right
the author is dead

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (45)

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+149 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 546 weeks ago

This baby totally understands semiotics better than I ever will.

1 reply · active 546 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

Jeff · 546 weeks ago

I wish I had this reference guide during my sad time in grad school.

+107 Vote up Vote down

paisleyLo 127p · 546 weeks ago

This is an absolute joy. I laugh and laugh at these every time, and I often wonder, "Am I overeducated? Will this be me and my baby in [however many] years? Will I be the woman who names her child 'Cilantro' and teaches her Benjamin's Diminishment of the Aura when we go to art museums?"

15 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

ljndawson 111p · 546 weeks ago

As someone who's been there and done that, I can tell you that you will put the child into daycare ASAP and flee to the office, leaving smoke trails behind you.

+81 Vote up Vote down

ipomoea 117p · 546 weeks ago

Cilantro can't be any worse than the names I"ve heard at the playground in my neighborhood in the past month: Cezanne and Matisse (twins) and Lute. LUTE.

+38 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 546 weeks ago

You're lying. No one would do that to their twins. NO ONE.

Lute, yes. Someone would do that. It's dumb, but plausible.

+24 Vote up Vote down

Gzortenplatz 104p · 546 weeks ago

Most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place, they're capable of anything.

Then they have children.

+29 Vote up Vote down

sdpowell1 112p · 546 weeks ago

Oh nothing, just laugh crying in my office.

+10 Vote up Vote down

paisleyLo 127p · 546 weeks ago

LUTE. That's hysterical.

+39 Vote up Vote down

YLemonnier 117p · 546 weeks ago

I thought I heard "Ambergris" just this morning. Which delighted the skulking-around-whaling-museums-adolescent that lives inside me, but still.

+33 Vote up Vote down

mabissam 121p · 546 weeks ago

I've seen Osiris climbing a tree in my neighborhood, so...

+7 Vote up Vote down

Luis · 546 weeks ago

Beko Osiris Ra (two last names not used here, but c'mon, he's pretty googleable) was inflicted on someone I've met. They are probably in their late 20s, though, so can't blame the new crazes for that.

+5 Vote up Vote down

LuisV4 26p · 546 weeks ago

I know a Beko Osiris Ra (two hyphenated, more traditional last names, both starting with R for maximum alliteration). He's in his late 20s/early 30s, so not a product of either the 60s or the 00s as you might expect from the name...

+10 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 546 weeks ago

A former grad school colleague of mine named his son Augustine. His daughter is Anastasia Jean.

Those poor darlings.

+15 Vote up Vote down

Janie_S 104p · 546 weeks ago

I dunno, I think Gus and Stacy will probably manage OK.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 546 weeks ago

Both children speak excellent Latin.

+3 Vote up Vote down

craftalchemy 87p · 545 weeks ago

Eh. I'm related to an Anastasia and all her siblings have similarly bizarre names (which they all use in full), and she's fine.

+10 Vote up Vote down

Audley · 546 weeks ago

There's a Reynaldo Hahn operetta where the heroine's name is Ciboulette (the French word for "chives").

+57 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 546 weeks ago

You can tell babies anything and they won't question you, messed up IMO.

2 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+59 Vote up Vote down

foxinthe_snow 130p · 546 weeks ago

wake up, sheeple!

+19 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 546 weeks ago

Nap's over, sheeple!

+23 Vote up Vote down

slavei · 546 weeks ago

"A sign is something that stands for something, to someone in some capacity" - favouriite quote from Semantics classes. Favourite quote from all the years in uni, possibly :D

Well, besides: "The human mind abhors a vacuum of sense. When faced with an absurdity it strains its interpretative faculty to the utmost, trying to make the meaningless meaningful." Little did I know back then how many times I'd see the second part put to practice, often - with ludicrous results.

And don't get me started on how unwell the umwelten of a lot of people make me. Talk about self-centred! ;)

+3 Vote up Vote down

katrinamhall 101p · 546 weeks ago

Spectacular, as always.

+12 Vote up Vote down

The_SkyGirl 76p · 546 weeks ago

Oh god...I took a course in visual semiotics while studying abroad & somehow managed to get an A while not absorbing any information about semiotics at all.

+15 Vote up Vote down

tragicallyludicrous 115p · 546 weeks ago

oh God I've actually used the phrase "physics envy" when talking to someone

+20 Vote up Vote down

KingMobStillReigns · 546 weeks ago

the first time i've ever seen peirce's triadic semiotic referenced in an even remotely funny context.

um, bravo? yeah i think i'll go with "bravo."

+11 Vote up Vote down

britomartian 138p · 546 weeks ago

I laughed as I read, and laughed again when I noticed the photo accompanying the piece. I would like to redo my English major with Mallory as my instructor for all courses, please.

+40 Vote up Vote down

delagar 107p · 546 weeks ago

THAT'S RIGHT THE AUTHOR IS DEAD!

+31 Vote up Vote down

blunderbusst 102p · 546 weeks ago

Pretty excited that baby has found an arena in which to thrive.

+18 Vote up Vote down

paperbgprincess 107p · 546 weeks ago

I'm gonna be honest and admit that I don't really know what semiotics is, but I am taking careful notes to save for Thanksgiving with my baby niece.

+72 Vote up Vote down

Margot · 546 weeks ago

I taught structuralism to a class of college freshmen last week and it went just like this

+9 Vote up Vote down

YLemonnier 117p · 546 weeks ago

THE PHOTO IS GETTING SMALLER

WHY IS THE PHOTO GETTING SMALLER

1 reply · active 546 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 546 weeks ago

The photo's not getting smaller, you're just growing!

+10 Vote up Vote down

Power_Lloyd 101p · 546 weeks ago

I am so glad I'm not smart.

Also, a reminder that I got to meet Mallory and she must cloak herself in normalcy for public appearances, to not reveal her true endless-light-being self.

+10 Vote up Vote down

Lost Era 98p · 546 weeks ago

I'm pretty sure this is already me and my nieces. This is what happens when the Cool Aunt is an academic.

+35 Vote up Vote down

bmorganjoy 93p · 546 weeks ago

and here I am, thinking my shining moment was telling my four-year-old niece that we get dark circles under our eyes when we're tired because there's so much NIGHTTIME behind our faces, and only sleeping can let the nighttime out.
amateur shit there, aunt Kitt, so amateur.

DID YOU KNOW you can go to art school and get a poetry degree in MODERN AMERICA and NEVER ONCE discuss semiotics? It's true! I have done it!

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 546 weeks ago

Ok, that's amazing. You win, aunt Kitt.

+2 Vote up Vote down

ladonnapietra 115p · 545 weeks ago

I plan on stealing this as soon as my wee one is old enough to ask about our inherited dark circles. Thanks!

+14 Vote up Vote down

balefulregards 122p · 546 weeks ago

1. As a human who wrote her dissertation using Vygotsky/Bakhtin, this fucking delighted me.

2. I know a baby named Zenon. Soak it in. Zenon.

4 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

flower1knife 90p · 546 weeks ago

Zenon is a Ukrainian name... My mom still sighs when talking about her first boyfriend who was a Zenon.

+5 Vote up Vote down

balefulregards 122p · 546 weeks ago

I don't think these parents were going for Traditional names. They are chemists and were trying to go with Xenon, but changed it to a Z in front to help others.

I *do* know a ton of Attila's. Mostly Hungarian. I was all "WHAT!" when I met my first one, thinking "The Hun?"

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

flower1knife 90p · 545 weeks ago

Ah, okay, I can see how it'd be obnoxious for parents thinking they're being edgy (when they're really just bastardizing another culture's name). Like, all one needs to do is Google whatever name to see what comes up.

+3 Vote up Vote down

eriol11 53p · 545 weeks ago

Ksenia (like Xena) is the feminine variant.

+2 Vote up Vote down

maryrachael-2 49p · 546 weeks ago

wow. i need to study a little to get all the references, but still...cry-laughing.

+5 Vote up Vote down

balefulregards 122p · October 15, 2014 13:43:21

I don't think these parents were going for Traditional names. They are chemists and were trying to go with Xenon, but changed it to a Z in front to help others.

I *do* know a ton of Attila's. Mostly Hungarian. I was all "WHAT!" when I met my first one, thinking "The Hun?"

1 reply · October 17, 2014 06:34:15

+3 Vote up Vote down

flower1knife 90p · October 17, 2014 06:34:15

Ah, okay, I can see how it'd be obnoxious for parents thinking they're being edgy (when they're really just bastardizing another culture's name). Like, all one needs to do is Google whatever name to see what comes up.

+2 Vote up Vote down

eriol11 53p · 545 weeks ago

I once had a professor who taught a semiotics class and had no idea what semiotics was. He was also a Russianist. It's like, hey Jakobson is right over there and hey Lotman is over there. I think if you ten pages they might tell what semiotics is.

I think the first part about the book is basically how you need to talk to college students.

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