Alternate Gilmore Girls’ Series Finales: The Many Imaginary Deaths of Christopher Hayden -The Toast

Alternate Gilmore Girls’ Series Finales: The Many Imaginary Deaths of Christopher Hayden

ByNicole and Mallory

on October 27, 2014 in Beauty

I. The Motorcycle Crash
II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids

IV. Beaten to Death By a Loan Shark
V. Infection From Tattoo He Got With Third Wife
VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years

VII. Staph Infection Brought About By General Grossness
VIII. Uuuuugh He Just Dies Okay Don’t Ask Too Many Questions
IX. Torn Apart By Screaming Mob During The Handmaid’s Tale-Style Salvaging Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years

X. Uses Life Savings To Buy Magic Beans; Starves To Death
XI. Falls Over Waterfall Immediately After Shouting “Hey, Guys, Watch This”
XII. Slowly Wastes Away Due To Never Having Attended Princeton

XIII. Crushed In Mosh Pit At The Offspring Concert
XIV. Segway Accident
XV. Car Crash Caused By Driving While Simultaneously Searching Twitter For His Own Name

XVI. Murder-Suicide With Jess Mariano For Some Reason
XVII. Poisoned By Sookie, Lane, Jackson, Michel, Emily Gilmore, Taylor, Kirk, Grant the Troubadour, Luke, Logan, Dean, and Max Medina In Murder On The Orient Express-Style Group Attack
XVIII. Run Over By Truck While Abandoning Another One Of His Children By Leaping Out Of A Moving Vehicle

XIX. Strangled By Necktie, Responsibilities
XX. Fatal Case Of “Being A Disappointment”

Nicole and Mallory are the Editors of The Toast.

Comments (92)

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+64 Vote up Vote down

CaroWR 122p · 544 weeks ago

I just love The Toast so much.

+69 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 544 weeks ago

These are all too good for him.

+115 Vote up Vote down

thescelosaurus 117p · 544 weeks ago

Definitely "Burned Alive During a Wicker Man-Style Ritual." Taylor clearly leads the citizens of Stars Hollow in some kind of bizarre ritual of renewal every 18 years.

3 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+151 Vote up Vote down

catmanscrothers · 544 weeks ago

Swallows His Own Tongue Trying To Keep Up With Witty Quips, Chokes To Death

+26 Vote up Vote down

Claudia · 544 weeks ago

Oriental Express one! Agatha Christie/GG crossover event! Holographic Peter Ustinov there too. Ultimate decision on his part that the police don't need to be involved - they have all suffered enough. (That is how the original ended, right?)

1 reply · active 544 weeks ago

+51 Vote up Vote down

BobOfSeals 138p · 544 weeks ago

I have arrived at his return in Season Five and it is RUINING my enjoyment of Luke being the best human/sexiest man on earth, for I know what lies ahead.

"Beaten to death by a loan shark," seems so eerily plausible, as does the murder suicide with Jess.

uurrghh the worst he is the worst.

+85 Vote up Vote down

mrtafadhali 113p · 544 weeks ago

XVI. Murder-Suicide With Jess Mariano For Some Reason

Yes, please.

21 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

MeredithL · 544 weeks ago

I accidentally read this the whole way through as Hayden Christensen (because who reads every word of a title) and it worked just fine for him as well, no problemo.

+35 Vote up Vote down

hussified 119p · 544 weeks ago

I would laugh at the waterfall one all day long.

+83 Vote up Vote down

katiemcgillicuddy 125p · 544 weeks ago

I like that this isn't just Nicole, or just Mallory, rather it's a team effort, because the death of Christopher Hayden should definitely be a team effort.

+73 Vote up Vote down

BobOfSeals 138p · 544 weeks ago

Also could see Emily and Richard murdering him. Everyone has had enough of you Christopher.

7 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

catweazlol 142p · 544 weeks ago

All excellent choices. We need to decide on a demise for Richard Gilmore though because the main thing I am learning from my current rewatch is that he is a dark horse for The Absolute Worst.

9 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

catherinevmcguire 60p · 544 weeks ago

I love the tag of beauty for this. So appropriate

+3 Vote up Vote down

tekkah 115p · 544 weeks ago

This is perfection.

+32 Vote up Vote down

ladyhumungus 107p · 544 weeks ago

I'm just going to hang out here all day and +1 every comment while cackling merrily to myself...

+31 Vote up Vote down

gravity_is 102p · 544 weeks ago

Ugh I really want to draw a dumb beard and moustache on his smarmy face. Rarely has online reading been so frustrating.

3 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+109 Vote up Vote down

editorialeyes 135p · 544 weeks ago

XI. Falls Over Waterfall Immediately After Shouting “Hey, Guys, Watch This”

Takes Logan with him in a fatal act of multigenerational rich-bro bonding.

2 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+58 Vote up Vote down

Atalanta_Is 103p · 544 weeks ago

Can his death reverberate backwards through the show's timestream as he retroactively takes Dean with him, plucking him wholesale out of Season 2? Because that would be pretty cool too.

11 replies · active 458 weeks ago

+119 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 544 weeks ago

Found "Accidentally" Asphyxiated in Miss Patty's Bed

2 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+50 Vote up Vote down

RuncibleSpoon 107p · 544 weeks ago

"VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years"

I would be completely OK with a movie version of this. There don't have to be good guys who stop the ritual, they don't have to win. Stars Hollow just gets to keep sacrificing scummy/mediocre men every 18 years and the town stays whimsical and sweet forever.

+57 Vote up Vote down

femaelstrom 122p · 544 weeks ago

SERIOUSLY HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS WHEN I FIRST WATCHED THE SHOW

But like, almost all of Rory's boyfriends seem to be like this? like if she puts a toe out of line or doesn't inform them of her whereabouts and friendships and plans down to the second they get really scary and ask why she's lying to them. I don't remember if Logan is like this (I just remember that he is The Worst) but Dean and Jess are.

Edit: Supposed to be a reply to Atalanta_Is's comment about Dean being awful.

4 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 544 weeks ago

"Crushed In Mosh Pit At The Offspring Concert"

This is literally the worst death I can imagine.

+30 Vote up Vote down

othersidewrites · 544 weeks ago

YESSSSSsssss. If the writers had the gall to give hermit/angel Luke a long-lost daughter, I see no reason why we loyal viewers shouldn't be rewarded with the untimely (and preferably violent) death of Christopher. It might be the second most cheered-for TV death after a certain blond king on Game of Thrones.

2 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

ponykins 105p · 544 weeks ago

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen on a Monday.

+8 Vote up Vote down

middlemarch 137p · 544 weeks ago

Can we please do one of these for Logan, too?

+38 Vote up Vote down

eegghh 108p · 544 weeks ago

plus Matt Czuchry is SO CHARMING. All her other boyfriends were wet dishrags. He makes up for the fact that alexis bledel is basically a just a tree branch with slow blinking blue eyes (Because her acting is wooden).

Also remember when he offers luke the bracelet? He's a generous guy. Sure he's a dick to marty, but I stand by my feelings that, his friends are the more dickish ones and two, marty is terrible.

6 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

eegghh 108p · 544 weeks ago

Remember when Christopher makes fun of Max Medina's music collection?

CHRISTOPHER: Well, what's his CD collection like?

LORELAI: Don't read into his CD collection.

CHRISTOPHER: Jazz, classical, what's the story?

LORELAI: It's a kind of a general collection.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh.

LORELAI: Uh, Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER: Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan, plus a generic fifty?

LORELAI: I said don't.

CHRISTOPHER: Alanis Morissette?

LORELAI: Hey, a lot of people knee-jerked and bought that first one of hers. Cut him some slack.

CHRISTOPHER: Dave Matthews?

LORELAI: A couple of his things are good.

CHRISTOPHER: Buena Vista Social Club?

LORELAI: Stop it.

CHRISTOPHER: Enya?

I want Christopher to live forever, count of monte christo style. In a dungeon, with only these cds.

+30 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 544 weeks ago

"Drowns in the same Dragonfly washroom where Digger met his doom"

2 replies · active 544 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 544 weeks ago

Aww, Digger.

ETA: meant as reply to @raquinsey

+36 Vote up Vote down

A la mode · 544 weeks ago

XI Ensuring the continued succulence and superiority of Jackson's vegetables via the oldest small-town harvest tradition

+35 Vote up Vote down

Bob Fowkes · 544 weeks ago

I. The Motorcycle Crash

"When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy a motorcycle. But my mom said no. Y'see, her biological dad, Christopher Hayden, died in a horrible motorcycle accident while driving through Stars Hollow... and I could just have his motorcycle."

- Lorelei Gilmore III

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