Songs You’ll Never Hear On A Sufjan Stevens Album -The Toast

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michigan“Let’s Talk About A Holiday That’s Not Christmas Or About A Minor Polish Civic Hero”

“Colorado, Now That’s An Interesting State”

“A Guitar, A Bass, And A Drum, That’s All The Instruments I Need On This Song”

“The Gender Of The Person I’m Singing About Isn’t Ambiguous At All”

“No Biblical References Here”

“Let’s Have A Party, Not A Crisis Of Faith”

“This Song, Like All The Others, Clocks In At A Tight 3:15”

“I Have A Complicated Relationship With My Brother, Not a Serial Killer I’ve Never Met”

“My Stepmother Did Her Best; No Use Complaining”

“Let’s Bring This Instrumental Passage To A Close”

“People Who Went Insane In The Past Don’t Remind Me Of You At All”

“Lick It Up”

“Characters From Persian Mythology And Flannery O’Connor Stories Have No Place In Rock Music”

“This Dying Bird Is Not A Christ Figure”

“The 1883 World Fair Has No Relevance For Our Modern Lives”

“I Had A Pretty Good Time At Bible Study And No One Is Dead”

“No Parentheticals”

“You’re Not Going To Have To Look Up Any Greek Theological Terms Or Ancient Near Eastern General Names After You Finish Listening To This Song”

“We Actually Touched Each Other Instead Of Just Dreaming About It In The Late Afternoon”

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Everything is a Christ figure, up to and including dying birds.
6 replies · active 541 weeks ago
please, no speaking ill of our nation's greatest holiday, Casimir Pulaski Day.
7 replies · active 541 weeks ago
I'm Not Whispering
I have forwarded this article to my brother, which should ensure I don't have to see him this Christmas.

A lot of Sufjan Stevens fans, in my experience, are even more humourless than a lot of Radiohead fans. Just the thought of them all being annoyed by this column fills me with delight
6 replies · active 541 weeks ago
I love this and I'm a fan (or was, a decade ago).
I live in Chicago and now every Casimir Pulaski Day I can't stop thinking about osteosarcoma. THANKS SUFJAN.
4 replies · active 541 weeks ago
"I Prefer Sex To Cuddling"
My boyfriend borrowed my ipod this weekend and came back with "why is there so much Suhf-jann Stevens on here?"
I Didn't Cry--I Didn't Cry at All
Aaaand this is when I find Seven Swans on Spotify and cry at my desk instead of in my high school car.
2 replies · active 541 weeks ago


how great would a sufjan concept album of heathers quotes be?

fuck me gently (with a chainsaw)
chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling
i love my dead gay son
what is your damage?
heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town
5 replies · active 541 weeks ago
Now do Iron & Wine!
1 reply · active 541 weeks ago
I love Sufjan and this is very accurate.
"I went to a city and it was just a city not a metaphor for faith."
I request Songs From A Bruce Springsteen Album Where Nobody Wants To Escape Their Suburban Hometown:

Born to Run A Small Accounting Firm
Everybody Has A Happy Heart and a 401k
Jungleland (Time To Trim The Hedges)
6 replies · active 541 weeks ago
Man, these posts just really make me understand that I do not listen to music very thoroughly and, in particular, am terrible at spotting anything that's about religion.
1 reply · active 541 weeks ago
"Is this Sufjan song gay or is it about Jesus?"
2 replies · active 541 weeks ago
Well this post has taught me that I'm here for this series with equal enthusiasm whether it's about something I love (everything up to this point) or something I think is hot garbage (this asshole and his goddamn orchestral bullshit).
All The Marimbas At Your Local High School Plus Their Lower Tier Concert Choir

Wait that's not the song subject...I'll see myself out.
Why would anyone write about the 1883 World's Fair when they could write about the far superior 1893 World's Fair?
1 reply · active 541 weeks ago
The 50 States Project is one of the most disappointing abandoned projects ever*. As soon as I heard about it though I knew it was probably overly ambitious.

*The second one being A Topiary, Shane Carruth's movie that he spent years on but never raised enough cash to produce.
1 reply · active 541 weeks ago
"This Song Is In 4/4"
It's always fun to contemplate the timeline in which Stevens commits to the 50 States Project and spends the next seven decades turning out increasingly desperate and resentful hyperlocal concept albums.

#5: Pennysylvania: Sufjan Stevens Doesn't Particularly Care for this State (It's Not Fair or Rational, He Just Doesn't, That's All) So Let's Get It Out of the Way Early! (2018)
#17: Sufjan Stevens Presents...Pretty Much Just Straight Covers of All the Songs From Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska (2024)
#25: In the Middle of the Journey of Our Life, Sufjan Stevens Found Himself in Vermont, the Granite State (2037)
#26: It Turns Out that Sufjan Stevens had Vermont and New Hampshire Mixed Up Last Time Around, So Here's The Actual Vermont Album (2038)
#31: Mississippi God Fucking Damn It (2043)
#42: Sufjan Stevens was Halfway Done with the Alaska Album When the Lord's Republic of Siberia Conquered the State In Question, So, Uh, Have an Obsolete EP, I Guess (2049)
#43: Sufjan Stevens Held Off On Doing Washington State in the Perverse Hope that the LROS Army would Obviate His Commitments Again, But the Stupid Bastards Haven't Made It Past Edmonton in Six Years of Total Warfare, So (2055)
#48: Climate Change Has Rendered Georgia Absolutely Inhospitable to Plant Life, But Guess What? You're Still Getting Two Dozen Winking Ditties About Peaches and the Trees They Grow On (2060)
#50: Sufjan Stevens Detests Arkansas and the Flesh Cults Who Hold Sway There! (And You Penn Staters Have Done Nothing to Change My Mind About You Either) (2078)
7 replies · active 540 weeks ago
"This Is Not an Obscure Christmas/Holiday Song"
cat-thirty-five's avatar

cat-thirty-five · 541 weeks ago

It keeps the Ancient Ones out of your realm, with the help of its pigeon army. Go and leave an offering of paczkis on March 2 to ensure the spiritual protection of your family.
My Life Is Nothing Like a Highway, and This Car Is Just a Car and Does Not Represent My Soul In Any Way
I Get Along Quite Well With My Dad, Actually
I Have A Steady Job And Always Pay The Bills On Time
I Do Not Yearn For An Unattainable Woman Of A Higher Social Class
A Nice Town Where Most People Have Jobs and Are Fairly Content!
No Xylophones or Banjos Here, No Sir
"Trimming a Tree Because Of An Insect Swarm Not Because Of A Holiday."
Okay so this probably won't make much sense if you didn't read long-running baseball parody The Dugout before it became only accessible through archive, but Sufjan has already made a Colorado album! It's called "Colorado is Colo-Radical!"
https://web.archive.org/web/20091111070007/http:/...
Andrew Bird Didn't Feel Inspired to Develop A New Concept Album About Tumors Based On Any Of These References
dear god this is the best article i've ever read

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