Women Resisting Heterosexuality In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · December 10, 2014

bride15

oh, a dog!
oh. a man.

bride17

what’s got you so happy, darling
what are you smiling about?
my hat
my beautiful hat over there

bride19

not me not me not me please God not me let him pick anyone but me, not me, not me, not me

bride20

what i need
is a throne so big
i can’t see any men from it

bride18

maybe it won’t be so bad
getting married
maybe it w –
DON’T

bride16

if I played my cards right
I think I could make it look like an accident

bride13

wouldn’t you find it easier if we danced the normal way?
face to face, i mean
oh no 
i always dance this way 
i always have to look at something else when i’m dancing

bride11

what’s that
I said, I —
oh no
i’m sorry
i simply can’t hear you 
my hat’s on too tight 
you’ll have to talk to someone else
why don’t you go talk to George
he hasn’t got on any hats at all

bride10

at last
they were so close to their goal they could almost taste it –
a dress so big that men couldn’t get close enough to talk to them

bride9

her own drink
a cigar
and no one  —
she found herself starting at every sound, as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her

bride8

she envied the cat
as only a woman who was never left alone could

bride7

i don’t know
it’s fine
they’re all fine
i have to get back to running my abbey now

bride6

“what if this wall weren’t here,” she thought suddenly to herself in horror 
“he’d probably step right over”
“i probably wouldn’t even be able to finish my book in peace”

bride5

not so much fun now, is it
not so much fucking fun when you’re the one who has to listen to the lute for fucking hours, is it

bride2

mmhmm
yes that’s very weaving
very interesting while i’m trying to weave here, i mean

bride1

thank you!!
thank you so much for the grapes that’s so sweet
you can just leave them here and go
i can take it from here, grape-wise

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146 Comments

    4. Es_Petal +19

      On the one hand, we ALL need these. On the other, if we all have them, we’re going to block out the sun with our giant thrones.

      1. Redcrow +18

        “The Unsmiling Tsarevna”/”The Princess Who Never Smiles” (Wikipedia tells me that’s how she’s called in English-speaking countries) by Victor Vasnetsov. A Russian fairytale character. She eventually married some guy who made her laugh, which other suitors failed to do. Jessica Rabbit would approve, I guess.

    4. Ethylbenzene +67

      Same. This is why I’m such a terrible party guest. “Oh no, do go on, I’m totally listening while playing with this dog/cat/guinea pig/chinchilla, totally listening, yes.”

    6. StarFootSneech +34

      I’m pretty sure this is also my dogs religion. She is so excited to see other dogs but then a stranger tries to pet her and she gives clear, no, no thank you, I don’t know you like that signals. The people who seem to ignore her signals the most are small children (understandable) and grown men who should know better. One man persistently tried to call her and told me that dogs love him even when my dog was clearly not having it.

    10. Unreadaethel +12

      I’ve actually thwarted several pickup attempts by guys who thought they could use my interest in their dogs as a way to start a conversation. Joke’s on them, though, as I tend to ignore [male] dog owners almost entirely in favor of the dogs themselves.

  4. CaroWR +40

    The woman in the second painting should just hex the dude, because she’s clearly a witch. That’s the only explanation for why she can balance on the edge of a hammock like that.

    1. hugpunch +50

      Honestly, looking at the thighs and the shoes and the hair and the blush, I’m convinced that is just a dapper butch woman and they are the picture of homosexual contentedness.

  5. houblonchouffe +137

    her own drink
    a cigar
    and no one —
    she found herself starting at every sound, as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her

    I am currently relating to this SO HARD and reminiscing about those lovely times when it was just me, a pack of Camels, and a glass of whiskey. And the state of constantly watching the door of wherever I was so that I could hide if needed.

    [sigh]

    1. noodge4lyfe +79

      yes, my version is “my own beer, a piece of pie, and a half-finished crossword puzzle” – the locals a my pub know to just nod at me and move on, but there are still others who feel that I MUST want some company.

      2. Kettir +6

        “It is a truth universally acknowledged by men, that a solitary woman in possession of a good book must be in want of a man to talk to her.” (with apologies to Jane Austen)

      1. maggiegrift +10

        Do you know who the artist is? I want to track it down and buy a print! I love it so much!

        Oh, found it lower down: Madeleine. L’absenta or Au Moulin de la Galette by Ramon Casas i Carbó

    3. amygriz +32

      This was 1000% me when I used to live with my garbage ex who had the face-meltingly irritating habit of bounding through the door saying “Hello HELLO!” upon his arrival home and then would immediately begin talking at me about his day.

  6. hannah519 +50

    “her own drink
    a cigar
    and no one —
    she found herself starting at every sound, as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her”

    I mean, that IS me IRL.

    1. Loony_Lovegood +25

      For me it’s usually tea and a book. But sometimes beer and Netflix. But yeah–OMFG my solitude. Stay away from my solitude or I will claw out your eeyyyeeess!!

    2. marxalot +15

      A table
      A small, slightly wobbly table
      That she can lean on and keep in place
      Just large enough for the drink and the ashtray
      “Oh, no, no one is using that chair, please,
      Take it.”
      Take it for your noisy table over there,
      And leave me be.

    1. hugpunch +30

      There were hardly as many people around back then. Oh god, what if life was like a small high school, and you just knew everyone, because they were the only other humans….the horror

  8. zombiemockingbird +46

    The abbess is clearly in shudder of revulsion, there. The eerie tingle is like half way down her spine

  9. Kat +72

    her own drink
    a cigar
    and no one —
    she found herself starting at every sound, as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her

    this is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever read

    1. betsymore +35

      “This is the ‘Isn’t It A Tragedy She Was Widowed So Young’ Betrothed, is what it is.” YES FOREVER

      1. NotThatAmy +9

        “I’m totally boning the potrait painter just to thumb my nose at my Betrothed, I mean, I don’t even like this painter.”

  11. winterbymorning +67

    All the women in if “if I played my cards right” are super foxy. I’m going to need to borrow that fan to cool myself off.

    1. vesperer +17

      I particularly enjoy how the one on the right is so tired of pretending to listen that she can’t even stand upright.

      1. Unreadaethel +6

        I love the lace that almost but not quite covers her cleavage. It just highlights the whole boob situation.

  12. Frumiosa +130

    Oh thank God
    I fell off my ship and into the sea
    and managed to swim to this wall.
    Quick, help me in.

    Oh gosh I would
    I mean I would love to
    But I’m in the middle of a book, so.
    You should swim to a section of the wall where there’s nobody reading.

    1. Mrs.HoublonChouffe +10

      He’s *awfully* young to be a full post-captain, never mind of a first rate of 90 guns.

      What do you mean that’s your ship?
      You haven’t even started shaving,
      I’m sending for a file of marines.

  13. beakbreath +224

    I would gleefully purchase the coffee table art book version of Women ____ing in Western Art History by (New York Times Bestselling Author) Mallory Ortberg.

    2. Alli525 +17

      I will fight anyone … I mean, any MAN … for first-in-line of the pre-order. Please please pleeeeeease *grabby hands*

  14. somebees +18

    Ahh, the autoplay ads with sound make sneaking The Toast at work very difficult!

    Also this is excellent.

      1. 1sic1 +4

        The Fall, episode 4 of the second season (how sad is it that I can identify it from just the screengrab?)

  16. zachariahary +75

    The look on the women’s faces in the one where they’re contemplating turning that poofy red doofus into a poofy red splat on the courtyard bellow can only be described as “arch as fuck.”

      1. zachariahary +15

        It really is very satisfying. Although I realize now that if the phrase ‘murderous moxie’ were used, that might be good too.

        Also just noticed my bellow/below typo. So. That’s a fun thing that’s def not going to drift painfully into my head during every idle moment for the next week. Because that, after all, would be silly.

        1. CordeliaFitz +6

          Hahaha, I wouldn’t have noticed bellow/below had you not pointed it out. And you get an A+++ for vocabulary choices regardless!

      1. zachariahary +11

        It’s a pretty good goal. I work at it daily.
        ‘Alright, I feel like you might be pulling off enigmatic while folding this laundry, but arch? And if arch, arch as fuck? Now step up your game and match up these socks!’

  17. literaltrousersnake +12

    Truly this series is the successor to Misandrist Lullabyes for which my heart has been singing.

  18. littlehuntingcreek +29

    what i need
    is a throne so big
    i can’t see any men from it

    This is the dream of my heart, articulated at last

  19. redheadedwolf +56

    This is glorious again

    (and I love your inability to identify different types of needlework)

    They’re all so perfect (matching their expressions perfectly), but the “a dress so big that men couldn’t get close enough to talk to them” is possibly my favorite.

    Also I’m pretty sure that all three women on that balcony are conspiring together to push him off.

      1. redheadedwolf +11

        Yeah, I was thinking that it doesn’t even fall into the “needlework” classification, but I couldn’t think of the right word. 😛 Which is why I only gently tease, because my knowledge is also limited.

          1. blunderbusst +35

            “Willful Refusal to Identify Various Fiber Arts Correctly, Even When Knowledge of Same Is Innate or Similarly Easy to Attain.”

    1. zachariahary +62

      ‘Can I buy you a drink?’
      ‘Oh I think I can take it from here, grape-wise.’
      ‘…but… what?’
      ‘I said I’ve got all the grapes I need, Christ. Did I stutter?’

      You know your rejections have just the right amount of dadaism to them when they leave dudes silently blinking in complete bemusement.

      2. alahmnat +12

        “Grape-wise” could also double, in this circumstance, as a bitter, maybe-insulting-but-maybe-not-I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-here-type pejorative nickname for your would-be drink-buyer. Like “sunshine,” but with more tartaric acid.

        2. marxalot +26

          Listen, grapewise, I came here for a brief diversion from the endless ennui of daily life, not to listen to you talk about apps.

  24. shahea +18

    her own drink
    a cigar
    and no one —
    she found herself starting at every sound, as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her

    Does anyone know the name of this painting and the artist? because I feel like if I buy this print a dozen times I have Christmas gifts for all my Toastie women.

    1. GruntledDave +21

      Going to see a lite player of your own free will: very cool, and probably a great time

      Having someone inflict their malicious will upon you via stringed instrument (like, every dude with a guitar on campus or in coffee shops, ever)*: not cool at all

      *exception: Phoebe Buffet is always cool. Also, not a dude.

      1. tragicallyludicrous +12

        I honestly think I went because of all the lute talk here. I’d never heard a lute before.

      2. donkeywork +7

        My first thought on seeing that painting was, “Oh, she’s gonna bust out with some ‘Smelly Cat’ on that lute!”

  27. lesliejroot +104

    At this point Mallory is trolling us by referring to all textile art as weaving, right? After people corrected her in the comments that one time?

  28. Penny +34

    Enormous drress + throne = ULTIMATE MAN SHIELD ACTIVATE!

    It would probably kill from half a mile away, although I’d never know. It would only register as intermittent popping sounds.

    1. Apollonia +10

      I’m thinking there could be some kind of Voltron-style dress/throne combination which could be distributed to all women so that when interlocked it actually creates a whole other plane of man-free existence.

  29. hannah519 +22

    I use a combination/rotation of whiskey, coffee and tea, along with books, Netflix, and the Toast. And Autostraddle, if I’m feeling particularly gay that day. GOD BLESS THE INTERNET.

  30. mkpatter +30

    “a dress so big that men couldn’t get close enough to talk to them”

    I’m pretty sure this informed all of Elizabeth I’s fashion choices, and also about a million fashion trends hereafter. (Hoop skirts, panniers, etc)

  31. teresamackadoo +27

    “oh, a dog! oh. a man” Me, any time there’s a dog in an otherwise terrible OK Cupid profile. Do you think guys would mind if I just asked to hang out with their dog instead?

  32. Either_Ada +66

    “as if someone was going to come and take her solitude from her”

    As if? Someone will. SOMEONE WILL. And they’ll fill it with piles of unsolicited opinions about which cigars she should be smoking if she were REALLY SERIOUS about smoking cigars.

    1. Unreadaethel +9

      And then they’ll order her a brandy, certain that she was already drinking that, or that if she wasn’t, she should be.

        1. Unreadaethel +5

          And then take it off to a separate corner to make sure that nobody bothers it while you’re spending quality time with it.

  36. blunderbusst +8

    Lute girl: pretty much why I learned to play guitar. “No, I do not want to hear you play “Silent Lucidity” anymore. Give me that thing and watch me shred some classical fingerstyle and then some Screeching Weasel.*”

    *Pre-Ben-Punching-Girls-in-the-Face Era.

  38. greyduck72 +2

    Mrs Envied The Cat is sporting the Platonic ideal of the “…welp. this is it then” expression.

  40. somenerdygirl +18

    The third woman on the balcony is totally the lookout. In a moment, she will scratch her nose, signaling to the others that the coast is clear. Then it’s pushing time.

  42. 5bells +4

    Hat-lady’s facial expression!

    oh no
    i’m sorry
    i simply can’t hear you
    my hat’s on too tight
    you’ll have to talk to someone else
    why don’t you go talk to George
    he hasn’t got on any hats at all

    Mallory how do you nail these so perfectly?!?

  44. houblonchouffe +5

    MrChouffe points out that Swimmer Naval Guy At The Wall looks awfully young to be a full post-captain in command of a three-decker.

  46. Unreadaethel +14

    Hesitant Betrothed was in another list, wasn’t she? Women Who Are Not Excited about Proposals, or something?

    And in the next one, Snow White there is clearly acting as a lookout while the other two figure out how to nonchalantly push Sleeves McQueen off the parapet.

    1. merrillworks +6

      I thought I was thoroughly enjoying every ounce of this post and comments, but when I got to Sleeves McQueen I lost it. Critical Giggle Mass was achieved. Thank you, kind stranger.

      /flies off in her roflcopter

  48. Erica_H +11

    Mallory, this is the post that is going to make me show up outside of your window wearing a trench coat and lifting a singing Peter Gabriel over my head.

  49. superabound1 +1

    So glad that casual misogyny and sexual orientation phobias are so in vogue right now! Bigotry is cool again

  51. Gigi +1

    I just stumbled upon an art theme that I had never heard of before, even though I studied art history and am a museum professional now. Please Google “Roman charity.” WHAT?! No no no.

    You’re welcome.

  52. Jacqui

    she envied the cat
    as only a woman who was never left alone could

    Definitely relate to this one, but unfortunately cats get bothered by people too

  54. Ilana Walder-Biesanz

    Those sleeves and that hat on the balcony guy. I'll take him if you won't, ladies in paintings.