Women Being Inexpertly Groped In Western Art History -The Toast

Women Being Inexpertly Groped In Western Art History

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on February 10, 2015 in Western Art History

Previously in this series: Gleeful mobs of women murdering men in Western art history.

how about this
is this good
yes
im just going to tonelessly stare into the middle distance for a while
but this is good though right
yes
when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right

THIS WOMAN APPEARS TO HAVE NO NIPPLES
HOW CAN YOU PARTY AT A TIME LIKE THIS

buddy why would you touch it like that though
like you’re trying to snip my areola clean off

the title of this painting is “Woman Selling Vegetables”
breasts are not a vegetable, friend

can you believe this shit

is that his –
yes
and he just –
leaves it there?
yeah
all the time?
all the time

it’s not that bad, honestly
he’s not like this all the time
sometimes he’s asleep
i get a lot of reading done then

no that’s
yes that’s just right
put your whole hand on my neck and then stare at something else that suddenly distracted you, that’s the ticket
that’ll get me going every time

HAVE ANY OF YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS EVER EVEN SEEN A BREAST BEFORE

yes
I know it’s impressive
now get your hand off it

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (109)

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+72 Vote up Vote down

Ethylbenzene 119p · 529 weeks ago

Ok no fair making me make such strangled, weird sounds while trying not to laugh at this at work.

ALT TAB ALT TAB FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ALT TAB

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+58 Vote up Vote down

projectbeks 119p · 529 weeks ago

In other Western Art History news: FAT CAT

PS - this post resonates with me in ways I'd rather not discuss, and is a goddamn delight all at the same time.

22 replies · active 526 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 529 weeks ago

The woman in the hat being groped by the monk is giving the best COME ON WTF BUDDY face ever.

1 reply · active 520 weeks ago

+108 Vote up Vote down

archivesjulia 140p · 529 weeks ago

CHUCKLEFUCK.

+84 Vote up Vote down

editorialeyes 135p · 529 weeks ago

Day's goal: working "chucklefucks" into at least two conversations.

2 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

lazycassowary 97p · 529 weeks ago

Third from the bottom: I'm pretty sure he's trying to get her to swallow a pill. Maybe wrap it in cheese first?

Anyway this reminded me of a site that had hilariously bad examples of medieval/renaissance artists trying and failing to depict women's bodies, especially breasts. edit - I couldn't find it, but I did find this somewhat related, very interesting brief article about Michelangelo's depictions of women: https://renresearch.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/men-...

6 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+51 Vote up Vote down

catweazlol 142p · 529 weeks ago

I love the fifth picture because at least in my mind the one lady is distracting all the dipshit men with her boobs while that other lady gleefully steals their coin purses.

+111 Vote up Vote down

Lizzie_Sidds 150p · 529 weeks ago

Also, no inexpert groping is complete without Gabrielle d'Estrées and Her Sister:

(finally a use for my art history degree)

11 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

Mrs_Peel 117p · 529 weeks ago

The perfect companion piece to "Mobs of Women Murdering Men in Western Art History".

The guy in #3 looks like some kind of monk or friar or something-- he probably really *hasn't* seen a breast before.

+17 Vote up Vote down

RoseCamelia 123p · 529 weeks ago

The first woman is gritting her teeth, it seems to me. Anyone else see that?

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+125 Vote up Vote down

vmartinipie 113p · 529 weeks ago

Nice to see men have not known how to touch boobs since possibly forever

+112 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 529 weeks ago

Like any skill, groping takes practice. A novice could simply ask a woman what she likes, but this would involve talking to women. Where is an artist supposed to find the time for that sort of research? The Duke wants that triptych for his personal chapel done by yesterday! Years of exposure to highly toxic pigments probably also enters into it. Where exactly are the female breasts located? Does anyone really keep track of these things? We can say with some certainty that they are usually located on the front torso area, though they tend to drift around a bit. Look, perspective is a new technology, how about cutting a little slack?

4 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+88 Vote up Vote down

BourneApprox 113p · 529 weeks ago

I feel like the caption for half of these paintings could be "HONK HONK!"

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+42 Vote up Vote down

citystillbreath 96p · 529 weeks ago

Aughhh looking at these makes me so uncomfortable! HOW CAN YOU GRAB HER LIKE THAT??? this is in response to every single one!

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 529 weeks ago

The dude in the "it’s not that bad, honestly" one looks a lot like my dad

*cringes*

*stares away into the middle distance*

+106 Vote up Vote down

redheadedwolf 115p · 529 weeks ago

My favorite:

it’s not that bad, honestly
he’s not like this all the time
sometimes he’s asleep
i get a lot of reading done then

ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH FOR SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS

4 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+76 Vote up Vote down

perianwen 105p · 529 weeks ago

when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right

Oh dear god it's a significant portion of my dating life *sigh*

+20 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 529 weeks ago

ART MAJORS: Why are do these paintings exist? Was this a style?

3 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

Alger · 529 weeks ago

There is a LOT more going on there with Athena and t Hephaestus than his groping her arm.

2 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+69 Vote up Vote down

deleted7410012 111p · 529 weeks ago

no joke, the dialogue for the first piece is nearly the exact same dialogue that accompanied my own first groping experience. except instead of talking about staring into the middle distance, i just said, "well, i mean" and gestured towards my face, as if to say, "i am clearly not in the throes of ecstasy here, so, you figure it out."

6 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

typewriterandgramophone 124p · 529 weeks ago

Did anyone else see that "Avengers" episode where Emma has to infiltrate a modern-day Hellfire Club and dresses up in a spiky leather Queen of Sin outfit and all these supposedly really depraved men just...sort of nuzzle her breasts, the way guppies nuzzle up to food when you put it into the bowl? Some of these make me think of that:

"Is this how debauchery works?"
"Guess so, Lorenzo!"

4 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+112 Vote up Vote down

elsamac 121p · 529 weeks ago

I like that so many of the women are making eye contact with the viewer, as if to say "I know, right?"

2 replies · active 529 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

heckyeahjess 96p · 529 weeks ago

the fifth one made me almost guffaw at my desk. all of these speak to me a little too well.

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

aurorabirdialis 109p · 529 weeks ago

The one in #3 looks like a monk. Like this is literally the first time he's ever seen a boob and he's possibly having a religious experience.

+17 Vote up Vote down

CordeliaFitz 121p · 529 weeks ago

Picture 2 is Monk 1 demonstrating his expert technique. Monk 2 is just out of frame, failing to comprehend, as usual.

+47 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 529 weeks ago

Let's take a moment to note that almost all of the groping is carefully done so as not to actually obscure the breast from the viewer. Because then only the man in the painting would get to enjoy it, and not the men outside the painting.

I assume this is what's behind "scissor grope" and "grab the boob that isn't hanging out of her dress."

1 reply · active 525 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 529 weeks ago

All of these paintings are every sexual experience I have ever had.

+24 Vote up Vote down

captainbartlet 89p · 529 weeks ago

I think the first time I was groped went something like this:
*making out*
Boy: Can I touch your boobs?
Me: Idk man
*making out resumes*
Boy: But no really
Me: just don't be weird
*hesitant boob touching*
Boy: WHOA
Me: um
what
what is this

1 reply · active 529 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 529 weeks ago

breasts are not a vegetable, friend
New favorite quote!

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Johanna · 529 weeks ago

Regarding the woman selling vegetables: in Spanish (at least Mexican Spanish) the word for practically any vegetable (or fruit) is used to mean "breast," "penis," "testicle" or "genitalia." If you actually want a vegetable or fruit (or egg), it is safest to point!

+13 Vote up Vote down

zwdavis 0p · 528 weeks ago

Number 7 ("It's not that bad, honestly") is a painting of my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, so I can personally guarantee his move worked at least twice.

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Peter G · 526 weeks ago

The second-to-last one... that's the Statue of Liberty, isn't it?

+1 Vote up Vote down

Misst_123 94p · 525 weeks ago

breasts are not a vegetable, friend

Hey, speak for yourself.

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