Two Monks Invent Religious Iconography -The Toast

Two Monks Invent Religious Iconography

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on September 24, 2015 in Two Monks Inventing Things

MONK #1: the saint Mary Magdalene
what was she made of, chiefly?
MONK #2: hair
more hair than woman, they said of her

MONK #1: saints in general
how do they look?
how does one draw them, I mean
MONK #2: silver-grey skin like a trout
and mummy hands
that’s the sign of one beloved by God

MONK #1: what would you look like, if the Lord entrusted you with the Keys of Heaven
MONK #2: furious
MONK #1: thank you!!

MONK #1: this is so ridiculous
MONK #2: what is it
MONK #1: aaaghh no it’s so embarrassing
like
i should KNOW this
MONK #2: its fine
there are no bad questions in monks
MONK #1: so if you were going to try to communicate, like, praying
how would you depict that, art-wise
MONK #2: trying to stretch your arms wider than Jesus
like two big pterodactyls fighting
MONK #1: ahhh of course
haha thank you i feel so stupid
MONK #2: no its fine
dont worry about it

MONK #1: what was the birth of Jesus like
MONK #2: gold box
bunch of rocks
small roof, no walls, sad Joseph, curious twins
pretty basic
MONK #1: ahh tytyty

MONK #1: Jesus’ head, did it end in a neck, or…?
MONK #2: no

MONK #1: what does baptism look like
MONK #2: mm
a goose is near
two very small women in a bowl
thats pretty much it

MONK #1: how best to depict the suffering of the Crucifixion
MONK #2: Jesus with one shoe off, one shoe on

MONK #1: how best to represent the inspiration of the saints as they wrote Holy Writ
MONK #2: small cow in the sky

[Images via and via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (168)

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+184 Vote up Vote down

Perdita McLeod 112p · 496 weeks ago

there are no bad questions in monks
monk #2 so magnanimous! <3

7 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+98 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 496 weeks ago

My hair like Mary Magdalene wore it/Hallelujah, I adore it

1 reply · active 496 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

daisymerolling 120p · 496 weeks ago

"ah tytyty" made me snicker in Dramatic Leadership.
WORTH IT

17 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

John · 496 weeks ago

You save me.

+142 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 496 weeks ago

When I work on my art pieces now, I'll ask myself,
"Does this piece need a small cow in the sky?

YES IT DOES

11 replies · active 494 weeks ago

+25 Vote up Vote down

Eris · 496 weeks ago

Okay but why does Mary Magdalene have shovel feet.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

tragicallyludicrous 115p · 496 weeks ago

more prayerfights thnx

+57 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 496 weeks ago

Interestingly enough, I had a history teacher who said that the earliest forms of prayer did, in fact, involve spreading your arms wide as though invoking a spirit of the heavens, and it only changed to the hands-in-front-of-your form to accommodate the feudal system, such that you could pray and your lord could put his hands on top of yours to affirm the feudal hierarchy.

I don't know if this is true, maybe someone else knows better, I just thought it was an interesting idea.

17 replies · active 462 weeks ago

+43 Vote up Vote down

perianwen 105p · 496 weeks ago

I like that Jesus is also wearing something akin to a bee costume in that birth picture.

3 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

darthvadersmom 119p · 496 weeks ago

Not to be "that" person... but if it's a female saint covered in hair, it's Mary of Egypt, not Mary Magdalene. The Magdalene's attribute was oils.

8 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+189 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 496 weeks ago

To be honest, I've lost a shoe at a party before and it was pretty traumatic, so I guess what I'm saying is I know how you feel, Jesus.

5 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+181 Vote up Vote down

Andrew · 496 weeks ago

I think the one-shoe Jesus is actually Saint Wilgefortis, the bearded-lady saint. The fallen shoe is one of her signifiers; the fiddler playing at her feet is another. Also known as the Uncumber, she was the saint you prayed to if you wanted to escape your abusive husband.

Wilgefortis was a beeyootiful princess whose father wanted her to marry a pagan king. She prayed to be saved from such a marriage and God made her grow a beard overnight. This put the kibosh on the wedding but her father, furious, had her crucified.

Saint stories, man.

24 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

LadyPoopjokes 123p · 496 weeks ago

TWO MONKS TWO MONKS TWO MONKS

2 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 496 weeks ago

I'm trying to read the Nativity one to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire," and it's pretty amazing. Like, it would be amazing anyway, but it's even more so when set to Billy Joel.

+54 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 496 weeks ago

I would definitely be furious if someone entrusted me with the Keys of Heaven. Who wants that kind of responsibility?

1 reply · active 496 weeks ago

+100 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 496 weeks ago

a goose is near

that's a dire warning if I've ever heard one.

6 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+52 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 496 weeks ago

more hair than woman, they said of her

Mary Magdalene and I have an understanding. We really do. I mean, between this and reclining naked near skulls and repenting absolutely nothing.

4 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

leslieellenjones 109p · 496 weeks ago

The text of #2 reads like early Irish gnomic verse, except it needs the initial "ceist [question]" and, for the response, "ni ansa [not difficult (to answer)]".

+37 Vote up Vote down

deleted7541601 123p · 496 weeks ago

I'm praying to Sky-Cow from now on.

2 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 496 weeks ago

Could all my writer's block issues be a mere matter of lack of sky-cows?!?!

1 reply · active 496 weeks ago

+92 Vote up Vote down

aspeide1 139p · 496 weeks ago

"small cow in the sky"

So...bovine inspiration?

+22 Vote up Vote down

graveyardmind · 496 weeks ago

I'm reasonably sure one of the very small women in the bowl is a man.

4 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

ashley · 496 weeks ago

If you squint your eyes just right the Sky-Cow is saying "snacks".

2 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+37 Vote up Vote down

Goomaly 113p · 496 weeks ago

Wait a minute... I was just reading Norse myths last night and I'm pretty sure there was a cow involved in the creation of the world, or humans, or something.

[internet search of "odin cow"]

THERE WAS A COW AND HER NAME WAS AUÐUMBLA

[odin was not involved but the search still worked, somehow, god bless the internet]

6 replies · active 496 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

blanka · 496 weeks ago

No the last saint is also ambidextrous, a sign of "bo"vine inspiration?

+13 Vote up Vote down

aquamarinaveen 115p · 496 weeks ago

speaking of women covered in hair, i just finished this book: in the night garden, which was very good and i think people here would enjoy it. basically it is just fairy tales + feminism + general weirdness

+14 Vote up Vote down

redheadedwolf 115p · 496 weeks ago

MONK #1: how best to depict the suffering of the Crucifixion
MONK #2: Jesus with one shoe off, one shoe on
Definitely the worst part.

1 reply · active 496 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

floridagal1 102p · 496 weeks ago

"small cow in the sky"

You guys! At the Victoria & Alberta museum recently I learned that St. Luke was often depicted as a guy with a book and winged ox, or just a winged ox with a book! So I think that one is supposed to be St. Luke writing his gospel? It was exciting seeing that motif "in the wild", or in a Two Monks post, which is basically the same.

7 replies · active 494 weeks ago

+52 Vote up Vote down

Deborah · 496 weeks ago

This is all to be expected. A friend of mine is entering religious life, and discovered a black scarf covered in rainbow cannabis leaves in the liturgical arrangements cupboard. She remarked to one of the sisters that someone clearly didn't know what this was. 'Oh that's me!' the sister said cheerfully, 'I've been putting it out for years!'

+18 Vote up Vote down

zoyamars 85p · 496 weeks ago

How did they just?? Keep getting better? This is my favorite one so far, I think.

In other news, at first I felt very cheated, reading the one about baptism, because there were no geese at my baptism. But then I realized I've never even seen pictures of my baptism, so perhaps the whole church was just lousy with geese, as God intended.

+7 Vote up Vote down

winfailjapan 116p · 496 weeks ago

I find sky cows pretty inspiring though...

+2 Vote up Vote down

layrl 60p · 496 weeks ago

FYI http://io9.com/did-this-man-kill-two-queens-simul...

The picture at the top: two monks invent regicide?

+5 Vote up Vote down

brendafromflatbush 2p · 474 weeks ago

Incredibly, here it is February 2016 and I have only just now discovered "Two Monks" and this Mallory person. The freshest, most insane and hilarious lovely thing that I could never have imagined. Thank you!

0 Vote up Vote down

Kryss · 463 weeks ago

The really funny part is that St Lucas, with the small cow, is in the middle of erasing whatever he's just written. I wish I could make it out.

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