Adult Beverages to Pair with Your Halloween Candy -The Toast

Adult Beverages to Pair with Your Halloween Candy

ByJohn Leavitt

on October 29, 2015 in Food

Twix – Irish Cream, as they are largely the same thing to begin with.

Pumpkin/Ghost Peeps – Vodka and cranberry so as to not immediately die of sugar shock.

Smarties – Mateus Rosé. Both are slightly fizzy on the tongue and a Rosé won’t overpower the Red Dye No.3.

York Peppermint Patty/Junior Mints – A Castilla y León that you can buy at a gas station.

Dum Dums – An Old Fashioned. Skip the garnish and use the lollipop as a stirrer. You’re the fun parent!

Red Hots – German Riesling. The brightness cuts through the treacly sweetness and cinnamon burn.

Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.

SweeTarts – Literally any Italian red. Does it have olive trees on the bottle? A stone church tower? You’re good.

Kit Kat/Three Musketeers/Butterfinger – South American Malbec.

Snickers – Beaujolais. Did you know Snickers were sometimes included in Sundries Packs given to Vietnam War platoons? Explain this to your disinterested children as they battle for the full-sized bar.

Atomic Fireballs – Tequila.

Almond Joy – That Chardonnay that comes in a tetra pack at about $8.99 a liter. Assertive and blunt enough to dull the cardboard coconut edge of an Almond Joy that’s been sitting in the back of a storage closet for six months.

Swedish Fish – Gin and tonic. Contemplate how adult you are for preferring a duet of sour and tart to the baser pleasures.

Whoppers/Milk Duds – Dry stout beer. Guinness will do.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins – A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry. Serve on the rocks.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Minis – Tawny port. We don’t know why it’s different than what you drink with Reese’s pumpkins, it just is.

Twizzlers – Cava or any non-champagne sparkling white. Champagne only if it comes in a can.

Candy Corn – Give your candy corn to someone who actually likes candy corn. Drink their shameful enjoyment like an ancient herbal liquor.

John Leavitt is a cartoonist, writer, director, and illustrator, His cartoons and illustrations have appeared in: The New Yorker, The Chronicle Review, The New York Press, The Common Review, The Journal Of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Narrative Magazine and elsewhere. He has worked with Molly Crabapple to produce posters for The Electronic Frontier Foundation and others.

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+75 Vote up Vote down

Onymous 113p · 491 weeks ago

Just because candy corn somehow became the cliched punching bag of Halloween doesn't mean we aren't:
A) completely justified in our love of it
B) the super majority

11 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+58 Vote up Vote down

alliana07 128p · 491 weeks ago

Gummy Bears: a bubbly sweet wine. I like to pour a glass of bubbly moscato d'asti, and then put a small handful of gummy bears into it. You know, like an adult. The gummy bears add a nice taste to the wine, and then once you've finished the wine, you have slightly bubbly, squishy alcoholic gummy bears to eat!

3 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

thebeagee 127p · 491 weeks ago

The Amontillado goes with the Reese's Pumpkins because that's the way Poe wrote it. *nods sagely*

+16 Vote up Vote down

thewhelk 139p · 491 weeks ago

Actual photos of my extensive research progress for this list
https://twitter.com/leavittalone/status/659753834...

+5 Vote up Vote down

turanga_leela 121p · 491 weeks ago

I'll be having a nice Scotch with my Swedish Fish, thank you very much.

1 reply · active 491 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

Jordan · 491 weeks ago

This is amazing. Bless your ministry.

+14 Vote up Vote down

Either_Ada 139p · 491 weeks ago

There used to be a restaurant down the street from me that served something called the Blue Lagoon, which I believe was mostly vodka and blue curacao and had a Swedish Fish garnish. I went there just once before it closed, specifically to get this miraculously terrible cocktail, but wimped out when I saw all the other hideous candy cocktails arriving at the tables. This post is making me regret my cowardice.

4 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+67 Vote up Vote down

halloweenjack64 115p · 491 weeks ago

A medium to dry sherry, like an Amontillado. You probably have a bottle in the pantry.

Actually... it's downstairs. Why don't I take you there so you can have a taste?

1 reply · active 491 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 491 weeks ago

Tootsie Rolls – IPA or pale ale.

Interesting. Until now, I've been guided by the Brown Candy/Brown Liquor principle. For Tootsie Rolls, that means a Lowland single malt, or occasionally a nice Armagnac.

1 reply · active 491 weeks ago

+25 Vote up Vote down

uowen 126p · 491 weeks ago

"You’re the fun parent!"
*weeps into old fashioned*

+20 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 491 weeks ago

Circus Peanuts: Malört, to match the bitter heart of whoever gives out Circus Peanuts as Halloween Candy

2 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

celtadri 122p · 491 weeks ago

This all seems legit except pairing Atomic Fireballs with tequila. First, actual Fireball Whiskey exists, and second, why would you ruin expensive tequila?

(This comment presupposes that you would never buy shitty tequila.)

(Although oddly it supposes that you might buy Fireball?)

3 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 491 weeks ago

I think candy is different in Canada. I haven't heard of some of these, and now I'm curious. (Although if it isn't chocolate it can screw, IMO.)

13 replies · active 491 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 491 weeks ago

I would argue that a vodka cranberry could hasten your death from sugar shock, seeing as most juice is mostly sugar anyway?

1 reply · active 491 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

jtradke 117p · 491 weeks ago

Starburst - vodka
100 Grand - vodka
Gummy Worms - vodka
Pixie Stix - vodka
Fun Dip - vodka
Mounds - vodka

+3 Vote up Vote down

Hana Solo · 491 weeks ago

get your vile sugary artificially coloured death away from my booze.

(says the diabetic with a food dye allergy)

+8 Vote up Vote down

kingstitcher 83p · 491 weeks ago

Y'know, Skittlebrau?

+7 Vote up Vote down

whollyword 99p · 491 weeks ago

Can any liquor stand up to Sour Patch Kids? Asking for a friend.

0 Vote up Vote down

Brie · 491 weeks ago

oh man. I want to try almost all of these. <3

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