John Keats’ La Belle Dame Sans Merci -The Toast

SOME GUY, KEATS PROBABLY: my god, sir knight
what has happened to you?
you look like some sort of lake without sedges
a sedgeless lake
if such a thing can even be imagined
no sedges on you
a sedgeless man

A KNIGHT, RUINED FROM SEX: i met a sex monster
it was awful
i got a fever from doing it

KEATS: I don’t think that’s a

A KNIGHT, RUINED FROM SEX: i met her in a seething sex-lawn

KEATS: the forest

A KNIGHT, RUINED FROM SEX: whatever
she sucked the roses right out of my face skin
and now my brow’s got lilies on it
sex is terrible but you have to have it all the time

KEATS: that’s not
you don’t have to have sex
at all
who told you that

SEX KNIGHT: she did me titviolence

KEATS: what is that

SEX KNIGHT: it’s of when you don’t want to have sex because on how it would ruin your life but you have to because sex isnt optional

KEATS: i
that’s not true

SEX KNIGHT: no it is true
even if you hate sex if you want to have it even a little you have to do it, so

KEATS: it sounds like maybe you wanted to sleep with her
even though you didn’t like her
it sounds like maybe that’s what happened

SEX KNIGHT: impossible
she magicked my leg-between parts
with her bitch wizardry
she sucked out my fever dew with her breast-mouths
and now I must die

KEATS: of what?

SEX KNIGHT: of
of
of her
cunt-bitchery

KEATS: I just don’t think I understand what it is you are dying of

SEX KNIGHT: UGH
OK
SO
I saw her in the fuck-garden where the leaf-dicks grow

KEATS: the forest

SEX KNIGHT: WHEREVER
and she had long hair so i gave her some bracelets i made

KEATS: sure

SEX KNIGHT: and then I started following her around because she looked at me like she loved me

KEATS: what does that look like

SEX KNIGHT: just that look
of like
“i can’t talk but i hope you follow me to my house and plow me up from my inside folded parts”
that some women give you

KEATS: did she say anything

SEX KNIGHT: no she just kept riding her horse and moaning a bunch

KEATS: so you gave some bracelets to a silent woman who looked at you and started wailing

SEX KNIGHT: well sometimes she sang

KEATS: what did she sing

SEX KNIGHT: oh definitely not any human words
who knows, honestly
she fed me some roots, idk what she gave me but i ate it for sure
then she said something that i have no idea what it was but it FELT like she was probably saying ‘I love you so much, come to my house and definitely kiss my eyeballs four times at least’

KEATS: so what happened then

SEX KNIGHT: i fell asleep

KEATS: then what happened

SEX KNIGHT: well I dreamed of what would happen if some pale guys were sad
they looked awful

KEATS: then what happened

SEX KNIGHT: I woke up

KEATS: and?

SEX KNIGHT: it was sort of cold out

KEATS: ok

SEX KNIGHT: and I was on the side of a hill

KEATS: right

SEX KNIGHT: the hill….was cold
so now it’s only a matter of time