High-Water Marks For Heterosexuality -The Toast

In no particular order, and don’t get cocky. I’m just giving credit where credit is due.

The work of Nora Ephron, specifically the fact that she made Billy Crystal a plausibly fuckable male lead in When Harry Met Sally (it’s the scene where he says “I would not be good for anyone right now” in that faux-French/Eastern European voice, is where it starts)
Gomez and Morticia from The Addams Family, specifically as portrayed by Raúl Juliá and Anjelica Huston, more-specifically when she starts speaking French and he says, “Oh, Tish, that’s French“
The scene in Magic Mike XXL where Channing Tatum sacrifices his entire physical body to make a woman laugh, then gently releases her back to her girlfriends without kissing her
After Jack reads Liz his sexual thank-you note from Avery and Liz exclaims, “Oh, no; she likes that?” and Jack says, “No, but she respects it when it’s done correctly”
Love & Basketball; more specifically all of it, most specifically, “I’ll play you for your heart“
Fran Drescher; specifically Fran Drescher as The Nanny. Most women I can imagine being improved by at least a slight increase in queerness; The Nanny should stay exactly as heterosexual as she is for all time.

Fry and the Top Bureaucrat from “How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back” (it should go without saying this does not include Fry and Leela)

fry

Zapp Brannigan and Leela, specifically from “Love’s Labours Lost in Space” (ONCE AGAIN THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE FRY AND LEELA)

Jessica Lovejoy
The redheaded girl from Archie Comics who was always busting in on Archie-Betty-Veronica and instituting sexual anarchy
Charles Durning’s love for Tootsie in Tootsie
Every scene where Maureen O’Hara mutters something disdainfully at a man, any movie
Rogelio and Xiomara but only when they’re performing on a cruise ship together, Jane the Virgin
The Mayor and that busty lady on The Powerpuff Girls; this is exactly the size straight men should be in comparison to straight women, some please resize humanity
Lana Del Ray mostly for confirming the existence of the heterosexual death drive?
Johnny Bravo but only when he’s being sexually rejected, end of list

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Add a comment

Comments (282)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

+190 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 472 weeks ago

The busty lady from Powerpuff Girls was named Sara Bellum. She was the brains of the operation.

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+237 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 472 weeks ago

The entirety of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (except Mac, whom I also <3). It's my "heterosexuality is acceptable and sometimes even fun" detox show when I get too deep in queer theory or start worrying about being pan.

Report

24 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+189 Vote up Vote down

Pygmalion24 118p · 472 weeks ago

"Most women I can imagine being improved by at least a slight increase in queerness."

seconded.

Report

+109 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 472 weeks ago

Roslin and Adama.

Clara Clayton and Doc Brown, specifically the part where he tells her he's from the future and she thinks he's fucking with her.

Report

8 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+167 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 472 weeks ago

ROGELIO MY BROGELIO

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

Nimona 125p · 472 weeks ago

You will have to explain Rogelio to me.

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+77 Vote up Vote down

tabbylavalamp 149p · 472 weeks ago

Lola in Run Lola Run because of course she would run so fast she'd travel through time to save her screw-up boy friend. But not Manny, because come on. Pull yourself together, Manny, and stop screwing up.

Report

4 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+98 Vote up Vote down

angrypedestrian 135p · 472 weeks ago

I'm just going to casually throw out there that I am running an imaginary (BUT ALSO VERY REAL IN MY HEART AND MIND) presidential campaign for Fran Drescher, and I'm going to add "high watermark for heterosexuality" to her list of accomplishments. http://drescherjepsen2016.tumblr.com

ETA: I also paid money to make campaign stickers. Because I might have a problem.

Report

5 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+130 Vote up Vote down

Social · 472 weeks ago

Elizabeth Swann from PoTC and her whole situation with Will and/or Jack depending on the movie certainly made heterosexuality look fun. Or maybe it was just the piracy.

Report

7 replies · active 471 weeks ago

+86 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 472 weeks ago

hahahah Rogelio is my favorite part of that show. It's gross when a person is a completely self-involved narcissist, but somehow if a guy is so completely and unapologetically a self-involved narcissist it comes all the way back around and now I want to be bros 4 lyfe

Report

7 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

green 113p · 472 weeks ago

I wish I was free of all pretence to maintaining user anonymity so that I could post a photo of my joy-brimming face here.

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

falcofield 135p · 472 weeks ago

1. Harry Burns is annoyingly fuckable, totally. Until he starts getting using his body for things like kissing (awful) or running (ugly).

2. Nora also made a strong case for Jess and Marie. So much so that I eventually married a Jess. Occasionally smug, sports-obsessed, and terrible at trivia. BUT we lay in bed together and gossip about our other couple friends and it's all I wanted!

Report

4 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

chaarulatha 131p · 472 weeks ago

also, speaking of Gina Prince Bythewood movies, this delightful moment from Beyond The Lights : https://media.giphy.com/media/Q8w8rYqfk2EaA/giphy...

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+134 Vote up Vote down

popelizbet 109p · 472 weeks ago

All of the Addams Family yes yes I said yes

Report

9 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+140 Vote up Vote down

relaineatwell 154p · 472 weeks ago

personally i think the only thing that can save heterosexuality is if we parent trap ryan gosling and rachel mcadams.

Report

2 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

PierrePoutine 126p · 472 weeks ago

Harold and Maude!

Report

+257 Vote up Vote down

zachariahary 147p · 472 weeks ago

Uh this is... not really related, but I was blanking on other things Angelica Huston has been in aside from the Royal Tenenbaums, and then I started googling her, and then I found this photo, and um. I guess it just felt like I should share:

Report

27 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+112 Vote up Vote down

EnchiladaTaco 123p · 472 weeks ago

Gomez and Morticia are #baegoals, as the children say . Also, my God, Anjelica's whole *situation* in that movie is to die for. I despair that while I have the requisite bone white skin, I am way too blonde and wholesome to pull off that aesthetic.

Report

+313 Vote up Vote down

angelartoscano 164p · 472 weeks ago

That scene from "10 Things I Hate About You" where Julia Stiles backs her car into Andrew Keegan's and Heath Ledger's character just stands on the sidewalk and laughs, totally into her having just done that but not offering any other commentary other than laughter.

Report

5 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+96 Vote up Vote down

readerbeth 124p · 472 weeks ago

Interestingly, as a self-identifying cis mostly-straight girl, Angelica Huston as Morticia Addams remains a high-water mark for me in bisexual self-awareness. And her relationship with Gomez remains perfection personified to me.

Report

+27 Vote up Vote down

JoelleVanDyne · 472 weeks ago

"The redheaded girl from Archie Comics who was always busting in on Archie-Betty-Veronica and instituting sexual anarchy"

OMG you just drew up some long buried memories of reading and rereading Archie comics

Report

+168 Vote up Vote down

radiantsqui3d 101p · 472 weeks ago

Zoë and Wash.

Report

5 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+110 Vote up Vote down

Ferocity · 472 weeks ago

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+93 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 472 weeks ago

I'm not sure if this fits the mood but Lyra and Will of His Dark Materials, possibly the only time I've felt anything for any heterosexual couple, fictional or otherwise

Report

9 replies · active 471 weeks ago

+47 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 472 weeks ago

As someone who named her black cat Gomez, I approve highly of the image at the top of this post. The Addams Family is the apex of everything good in this life. (And afterlife.)

Report

+46 Vote up Vote down

caatness 98p · 472 weeks ago

The Addams Family is the terrible, wonderful, and only reason I gave Mr. Catherine a testdrive.

Morticia is my guide in all things.

Report

+71 Vote up Vote down

JGlows 120p · 472 weeks ago

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT ON MY BEDSPREAD LEELA? IT'S REAL VELOUR.

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

rolotomassi5 103p · 472 weeks ago

Movies: Margie & Norm.

TV: Molly & Gus.

Fargo FTW.

Report

2 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

ScarlettHairdye 125p · 472 weeks ago

Frank and Sadie Doyle from The Thrilling Adventure Hour deserve to be on this list.

*clink!*

Report

7 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

contemporarycontempt 61p · 472 weeks ago

"Charles Durning’s love for Tootsie"
Ah, yes. Enduring to the last.

Report

+37 Vote up Vote down

anonymous · 472 weeks ago

JAMES TIPTREE ALREADY CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF THE HETEROSEXUAL DEATH DRIVE THAT WAS LIKE HER WHOLE THING sorry I'm not angry this is a great article I just get really pumped up and excited about James Tiptree

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+64 Vote up Vote down

anthemyst 125p · 472 weeks ago

Motion to include James Marsden's performance as Prince Edward in Enchanted on this list.

Report

1 reply · active 466 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

TosaAmyLee · 472 weeks ago

Maureen O'Hara and her disdain. Yes, yes, yes.

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+198 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 472 weeks ago

It just hit me: Bob and Linda Belcher are normcore Gomez and Morticia.

Report

5 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

StoatCat 138p · 472 weeks ago

I would also like to add Sigerson Holmes' and Jenny Hill's Kangaroo Hop scene from Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YBfuOWK1sw

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

builtahouse 123p · 472 weeks ago

Bollywood additions:

Shahrukh's eyes in the gazebo scene in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Kajol always, in everything.

The love song/scene in the AWESOMELY DECORATED BEDROOM in Jodhaa Akbar.

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Mikey · 472 weeks ago

i am so glad Cheryl Blossom was mentioned (the red headed sex-pot of Archive comics)

Report

+257 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 472 weeks ago

Um also MICHELLE AND BARACK OBAMA

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+56 Vote up Vote down

Ferocity · 472 weeks ago

I'm really surprised no one has mentioned Jamie and Claire from Outlander yet. I mean...

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

AKA · 472 weeks ago

Without deliberately intending to do so, I married a woman who is as close to Franny the Nanny as we non-fiction dwellers get. It will forever be my greatest accomplishment.

Also nominated: Brock Sampson and Molotov Cocktease.

Report

2 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

Fleurdamour · 472 weeks ago

The scene in the middle of the dance in A Royal Affair where Mads Mikkelsen and Alicia Vikander fall in love with each other.

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+251 Vote up Vote down

Pola_Negroni 129p · 472 weeks ago

Several years ago Señor Negroni was kissing up my arm. I thought he was doing it as an Addams Family homage, so I gasped "Oh Gomez!"

He stops kissing me and you can practically hear the record scratching to a halt. He looks up and asks "Who the hell is Gomez???"

And that, boys and girls, is how I learned that in the Spanish dubbed version of The Addams Family, Gomez is "Homero."

Report

2 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+101 Vote up Vote down

AOpp 107p · 472 weeks ago

Anastasia and Dimitri (more specifically, that moment when she's in the navy blue dress and he bows to her, but also just the two of them all over)

That moment in "Helpless" where Hamilton sings "As long as I'm alive, Eliza, swear to God you'll never feel so..." and LMM's voice does that growly thing.

Report

3 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+77 Vote up Vote down

bread_and_roses 123p · 472 weeks ago

Lord Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane. Always and forever.

Report

5 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+54 Vote up Vote down

AKA · 472 weeks ago

The banner ad for this post, just now?
Straight Talk wireless.

Never change, Internet...

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+53 Vote up Vote down

eegghh 108p · 472 weeks ago

Nick and Nora Charles! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1h2XxnoC68

Report

6 replies · active 472 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 472 weeks ago

ILANA AND LINCOLN.

Report

+5 Vote up Vote down

Helen_Damnation 101p · 472 weeks ago

That bit in Homeland where they beat up Nazis together. So romantic.

Report

+21 Vote up Vote down

mrtafadhali 113p · 472 weeks ago

Just the mention of Archie Comics made me feel I have to note high marks in ASEXUALITY, which is that Jughead is #confirmed and I bought four issues of the new run this week (and got slightly side-eyed by my lovely* comic shop clerk, but nothing Archie has done since I was a kid has made me regret my childhood attachment to them, so her side-eying will not deter me)

* I've been shopping there for 15 years, and she actually is really lovely, Jughead-skeptical opinions aside; right after this we had like a 20 minute chat about Faith and how exciting it was to have fat positive superhero comic

Report

1 reply · active 472 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

High-Water Marks For Heterosexuality

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

Forgot password?

Comments (282)

Post a new comment