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Soon, perhaps within a matter of hours, the Duchess of Cambridge will give birth to the newest heir to the British throne. News of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy has captured the public’s attention ever since she was hospitalized with acute morning sickness back in December. The royal baby buzz has been building steadily throughout the week outside of Kate’s maternity wing at St. Mary’s Hospital.

Every single one of Kate’s actions during her pregnancy have been heavily analyzed and scrutinized, and the birth of her son or daughter–the future King or Queen of Great Britain–will only focus the attention of the media all the more sharply on the Royal Family.

With the Duchess of Cambridge due at any moment, palace security is out in full force, while the Royal Family has drafted extensive preparations in the eventuality of almost any emergency. The Toast has received a copy of what we can confirm is an official palace document detailing the steps to be taken in one of these situations.

If the royal baby is found to be a changeling (a false child, usually the offspring of an elf, brownie, or troll, left in place of the original human child, who has been spirited away to work as a servant to the Little Folk), the entire House of Windsor will meet at Tintagel, the historical seat of British power, where Queen Elizabeth will confer with the full-blooded members of her family and determine the terms of their counteroffer to Queen Mab.

A source in Buckingham Palace, speaking on condition of anonymity, says that the child will likely be tested with the touch of iron, the sound of harps, and the rays of the sun in order to determine whether it is the genuine offspring of William and Kate or the hideous, grey-skinned progeny of a mischievous lilith, sent to torment the Windsors for neglecting their yearly tithe to Hell.

A royal press conference held earlier this afternoon involved a rare public speech by the normally-reserved Prince Philip, who held the stage for over forty-five minutes.

Nobody talks about this. Nobody likes to talk about this. But most of the children in the family are changelings. I was a changeling, and Father never minded. Don’t look at me like that. How you’re looking at me. I can see you from here, you know, Charrrrlie. Everyone knows it. We all know it. They’re not so different. We’re not so different, you know, even if we are different. Is there more Pimms? Have we got Pimms here? (Pause). For my Pimms Cup. My cup of Pimms, damn you. If I had enough Pimms for a Pimms Cup, I wouldn’t be asking you for Pimms, would I, you stupid woman? (Pause). It’s not so different. All you have to remember to do is on their…their…thirteenth! S’thirteenth. Birthday, you must find a black cockerel and…something its heart. You do that to its heart, and you’re home free; they can’t come for the poor devil. Very important to remember to do it. Can’t remember what. Father did it, I know that. Very important to remember to do it. Anyhow. More Pimms? Where’s the damned butler. Must be off. Harry was a changeling.

Buckingham Palace has released an official statement to the press categorically denying that Prince Harry is now, nor has ever been, a changeling. “He is not capable of flight under the power of the waxing moon,” the statement reads in part, “nor does he use devilish speech in his midnight Sabbats, nor has he a carriage pulled by grey cats that rises from the sea on Whitsuntide. He cannot conjure spilled blood into horrible, twitching mannikins capable of doing his bidding. He has never eaten the liver of a swan, nor enchanted a tree. He is a human man, with normal human abilities, and has never been bound with iron to keep him from turning the Thames into a swollen torrent of bees and pitch.”

Bookkeepers familiar with these situations estimate that the Queen is likely to offer the elf-mother holding their true Christian-blooded child her prized lavender fields, the sunny half of the Orkney islands, seven of her best Corgis, and forty male virgins for its safe return.

Should this fail to pacify Morgana le Fay and her Trembling Army, the task shall fall to either William or Kate to find the entrance to the Land of Shadow under the Topless Hills and do battle with the Unseelie Court.

If William or Kate fails to return, the Royal Family is prepared to execute British Prime Minister David Cameron upon the Stone of Unknowing.

Should the Prime Minister’s blood  prove insufficient, the entire House of Windsor (excluding Fergie) shall retreat to Sherwood Forest and disguise themselves as peasants, in the hopes that this will confuse their fey enemies and save them from detection. According to the Queen:

We shall consult our oldest wives. We shall fell our oldest trees, and with them raise walls as high as the chalk cliffs of the southern seas. We shall work our strongest magicks, we shall gird ourselves with iron and with stone, we shall invoke the power of the Holy Rood and the spirits of noon, we will slay any bird that makes a sound within the confines of our holy forest. We shall raise the bones of the old and mouldering saints from the consecrated soil for protection. We will hide, we will draw strength from the earth, and we shall return on a wave of power the likes of which this land of England has not seen in ten hundred hundred years, nor ten thousand thousand neither. No changeling will sit on the throne of England while any of us draw breath. Harry is not a changeling.

Prince Harry could not be immediately reached for comment, although sources close to him say he’s “very excited” to be an uncle. “Deeply excited. Not demonstrably excited, but in a dark and a slow and a quiet way. He smiles a lot. All the time, really. He grins even in his sleep.”

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