Soon, perhaps within a matter of hours, the Duchess of Cambridge will give birth to the newest heir to the British throne. News of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy has captured the public’s attention ever since she was hospitalized with acute morning sickness back in December. The royal baby buzz has been building steadily throughout the week outside of Kate’s maternity wing at St. Mary’s Hospital.
Every single one of Kate’s actions during her pregnancy have been heavily analyzed and scrutinized, and the birth of her son or daughter–the future King or Queen of Great Britain–will only focus the attention of the media all the more sharply on the Royal Family.
With the Duchess of Cambridge due at any moment, palace security is out in full force, while the Royal Family has drafted extensive preparations in the eventuality of almost any emergency. The Toast has received a copy of what we can confirm is an official palace document detailing the steps to be taken in one of these situations.
If the royal baby is found to be a changeling (a false child, usually the offspring of an elf, brownie, or troll, left in place of the original human child, who has been spirited away to work as a servant to the Little Folk), the entire House of Windsor will meet at Tintagel, the historical seat of British power, where Queen Elizabeth will confer with the full-blooded members of her family and determine the terms of their counteroffer to Queen Mab.
A source in Buckingham Palace, speaking on condition of anonymity, says that the child will likely be tested with the touch of iron, the sound of harps, and the rays of the sun in order to determine whether it is the genuine offspring of William and Kate or the hideous, grey-skinned progeny of a mischievous lilith, sent to torment the Windsors for neglecting their yearly tithe to Hell.
A royal press conference held earlier this afternoon involved a rare public speech by the normally-reserved Prince Philip, who held the stage for over forty-five minutes.
Nobody talks about this. Nobody likes to talk about this. But most of the children in the family are changelings. I was a changeling, and Father never minded. Don’t look at me like that. How you’re looking at me. I can see you from here, you know, Charrrrlie. Everyone knows it. We all know it. They’re not so different. We’re not so different, you know, even if we are different. Is there more Pimms? Have we got Pimms here? (Pause). For my Pimms Cup. My cup of Pimms, damn you. If I had enough Pimms for a Pimms Cup, I wouldn’t be asking you for Pimms, would I, you stupid woman? (Pause). It’s not so different. All you have to remember to do is on their…their…thirteenth! S’thirteenth. Birthday, you must find a black cockerel and…something its heart. You do that to its heart, and you’re home free; they can’t come for the poor devil. Very important to remember to do it. Can’t remember what. Father did it, I know that. Very important to remember to do it. Anyhow. More Pimms? Where’s the damned butler. Must be off. Harry was a changeling.
Buckingham Palace has released an official statement to the press categorically denying that Prince Harry is now, nor has ever been, a changeling. “He is not capable of flight under the power of the waxing moon,” the statement reads in part, “nor does he use devilish speech in his midnight Sabbats, nor has he a carriage pulled by grey cats that rises from the sea on Whitsuntide. He cannot conjure spilled blood into horrible, twitching mannikins capable of doing his bidding. He has never eaten the liver of a swan, nor enchanted a tree. He is a human man, with normal human abilities, and has never been bound with iron to keep him from turning the Thames into a swollen torrent of bees and pitch.”
Bookkeepers familiar with these situations estimate that the Queen is likely to offer the elf-mother holding their true Christian-blooded child her prized lavender fields, the sunny half of the Orkney islands, seven of her best Corgis, and forty male virgins for its safe return.
Should this fail to pacify Morgana le Fay and her Trembling Army, the task shall fall to either William or Kate to find the entrance to the Land of Shadow under the Topless Hills and do battle with the Unseelie Court.
If William or Kate fails to return, the Royal Family is prepared to execute British Prime Minister David Cameron upon the Stone of Unknowing.
Should the Prime Minister’s blood prove insufficient, the entire House of Windsor (excluding Fergie) shall retreat to Sherwood Forest and disguise themselves as peasants, in the hopes that this will confuse their fey enemies and save them from detection. According to the Queen:
We shall consult our oldest wives. We shall fell our oldest trees, and with them raise walls as high as the chalk cliffs of the southern seas. We shall work our strongest magicks, we shall gird ourselves with iron and with stone, we shall invoke the power of the Holy Rood and the spirits of noon, we will slay any bird that makes a sound within the confines of our holy forest. We shall raise the bones of the old and mouldering saints from the consecrated soil for protection. We will hide, we will draw strength from the earth, and we shall return on a wave of power the likes of which this land of England has not seen in ten hundred hundred years, nor ten thousand thousand neither. No changeling will sit on the throne of England while any of us draw breath. Harry is not a changeling.
Prince Harry could not be immediately reached for comment, although sources close to him say he’s “very excited” to be an uncle. “Deeply excited. Not demonstrably excited, but in a dark and a slow and a quiet way. He smiles a lot. All the time, really. He grins even in his sleep.”
Tags: changelings, eventualities, house of windsor, kate middleton, prince of wales, queen elizabeth, royal baby, royalty, unseelie courts
Look, I’m not saying it wouldn’t be cool if the future Monarch of England had supernatural powers or anything…
I’d also recommend the planting of yew and hawthorn in the royal gardens to prevent the changeling’s powers coming to full fruition.
Source: I’ve dealt with many changeling babies.
Did you use a doula?
The last tine I used a Doula she got some blood in her eye and gained the true sight.
The father put out her eyes.
Please write for us immediately.
Well, I was going to send you a short story in a few days…
It’s everything I ever wanted, melis. :’)
it’s so beautiful ::sobbing::
What if Fergie was a changeling and everyone was just like “meh, just leave it.”
Ah, now we know why the Queen keeps so many corgis. They are the mounts upon which the fairies ride, therefore excellent trade goods. (The patch of hair above the shoulder blades is called the “Fairy Saddle” for a reason!)
Are there fairies in the U.S., specifically Boston? It would explain a lot about my corgi, honestly.
I think there must be some kind of fey spirit in Alaska at least, because why else is mine barking out the window at the empty goddamn street all the time?
This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. It brought a tear to my eye. A tear that came from laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. CHANGELINGS. I love it.
THIS IS AMAZEBALLS
Okay, but clearly gin and not Pimm’s, amiright
I’ve always assumed ‘The Nation’s Racist Granddad’ drank meths.
No-one in England calls it a Pimms Cup, to my knowledge. It’s just plain Pimm’s, or Pimm’s and lemonade.
Still, I think it’s whisky all the way for Phil.
Okay this is amazing, but random aside – it’s stupid, but I feel kind of bad for the baby. Baby’s just going about his/her fetal business, hanging out, getting fed, napping, listening to a nice heartbeat and it has no idea – NONE – what a morass of gossip and weirdness and insane privilege he/she is about to be born into. Unless he/she is a changeling, I suppose. Then everything is going according to plan.
But she/he can become BFFs with Blue Ivy Carter and North West! Actually, that might be part of the changeling’s plan as well.
OMG, what if future Royal Baby ends up marrying either of them? ALSO AMAZING. “Queen Blue Ivy Carter Cambridge Mountbatten-Windsor” or “Queen North West Cambridge Mountbatten-Windsor”
[I need to stop coming up with ridiculous life scenarios for other people’s babies.]
EDIT: sorry, I couldn’t remember which last name they use when they bother with last names.. Windsor? Wales? Cambridge? Apparently google says Mountbatten-Windsor.
Is this a safe space to share how intensely I want Blue Ivy to marry Princess Fetus? Lesbian Queen x Black Hip-Hop Heiress = all my hopes and dreams
THIS TOO IS WHAT I WANT! I’m, I guess it’s cool too if Royal Baby is a boy, but I think that Lesbian Queen x Black Hip Hop Heiress would be amazing.
Wills registered at St Andrews and Sandhurst as “William Wales” – I expect he’ll be “William Cambridge” now, though. IIRC Mountbatten-Windsor was something Mountbatten was trying really hard to push but the actual royals were like “Yeahhhhhhhh, sounds great, maybe (NO).”
Let’s stop for a minute and bask in the greatness that is that medieval changling painting. The freakishly adult-like faces on both those babies! If only the parents would stop holding hands and looking lovingly at each other, they would have noticed that swap happening.
Obviously this is why cosleeping has caught on in the 21st century: changeling protection.
An underground Mommy Blogger network discusses Best Ways for Breastfeeding Your Changeling in Public: “Tell onlookers that Changeling Horns are all-natural, and it’s only an affront to the eyes because Society has brainwashed them into thinking it!”
If William or Kate fails to return, the Royal Family is prepared to execute British Prime Minister David Cameron upon the Stone of Unknowing.
That seems like a fair trade to me.
I’m kind of hoping we can do it anyway.
<3 <3 <3
That second pic is an Arthur Rackham, right? I love me some dark and knobbly little folk stories.
nope, John Bauer! a similarly awesome illustrator 🙂
Changelings always remind me of that classic (to my sister and me) late-series episode of “So Weird” in which Jack and Annie have to deal with babysitting a changeling and Jack sings the world’s cheesiest lullaby to a cackling super fake-looking puppet. Anyone?
Come away, O [royal] child!
Not a changeling? Then tell me why, during his tours of duty with the RAF, Prince Harry was transported exclusively on ragwort stems excepting rescue missions, in which he grasped onto the back of a bird? The Commonwealth deserves the truth!
Also, could Buckingham Palace please address the widespread rumors that the child is in fact a piece of enchanted wood, or the sighting of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth on the footpath to Mên-an-Tol, presumably to do parley with the Pobel Vean.
But seriously, Harry is totally a changeling.
I love this new genre of magical journalism MORE FOREVER
Seconded! Also, more anything to do with Faerie, please.
This is magnificent.
Fantastic! Could you ID the two (wonderful) paintings you’ve used to illustrate?
If the royal baby is a changeling, it’s definitely because of some weird deal King Arthur made. I think the corgis actually EXPLAIN that this is gonna happen, seeing as how they’re fairy mounts <a href=”http://(http://www.omg-facts.com/Animals/Welsh-Folklore-Says-The-Corgi-Is-The-Pre/56228),” target=”_blank”>(http://www.omg-facts.com/Animals/Welsh-Folklore-Says-The-Corgi-Is-The-Pre/56228), and the Queen has SO MANY OF THEM. I mean, you’ve gotta be preparing for a lot of fairy warriors with that many corgis.
If the royal baby is a changeling, it's definitely because of some weird deal King Arthur made. I think the corgis actually EXPLAIN that this is gonna happen, seeing as how they're fairy mounts <a href="http://(http://www.omg-facts.com/Animals/Welsh-Folklore-Says-The-Corgi-Is-The-Pre/56228),” target=”_blank”>(http://www.omg-facts.com/Animals/Welsh-Folklore-Says-The-Corgi-Is-The-Pre/56228), and the Queen has SO MANY OF THEM. I mean, you've gotta be preparing for a lot of fairy warriors with that many corgis.
Came late to the party but could not possibly pass up a chance to lie worshiping at Melis’ feet. I love it.
(Spellcheck says it’s worshiping, not worshipping. English language, just fuck you.)
This is brilliant and makes a TON of sense after all the reading I’ve done lately about the War of the Roses and how everyone totally believed that the White Queen & her mother were witches.
I thought that was pretty much what happened.
Seconded! Also, more anything to do with Faerie, please.
Today The Express is running the headline ‘Royal Baby: The Truth’, choosing to believe it isn’t just an article about the queen going on holiday or whatever.