Concept and text by Mallory Ortberg. Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: artwork, catcalling, flawless victory, matt lubchansky, my little pony, pretty pretty princess, sexism, street harassment
OKAY GUYS THERE IS NO POINT IN CREATIVE ENDEAVOURS ANY MORE. we’re done here, last one out turn out the lights.
aka, this is perfect and magical.
That was exactly what I was going to say. PERFECTION.
This entire article, and everything therein is absolutely absurd.
Absurdly PERFECT I think you meant to say
Way to reframe, friend
These would make my every day life so much better and more magical.
Can we also have a thing where obscene gestures make their hands shrivel up into little, delicately jeweled leaves, which I can wear as chic and stylish earrings?
And one where men who stand in a group on the sidewalk, forcing women to walk between them while they leer, become columns of silent, shimmering, scented light (scents available include lilac, fresh laundry, office supply store, well-cared-for old leather). Particularly egregious offenders will be on-call whenever a woman is uncomfortable walking alone in the dark (with her consent, of course).
Only if ‘old book smell’ is also among the options.
Mmmm, I knew I was missing at least one.
It’s an option here!
http://etsy.me/14XxHBl
old book smell is the smell of mould!
Teenage boys who lope along 5 abreast and snicker at you under their breath become 1 foot tall and made of spun sugar.
That teenage boy I passed the other day near the Boston Museum of Science, the one talking about some “dumbass f****t”? He turns into a lovely bridge ornament that the tourists can admire and photograph from the Duck Boats.
It’s so beautiful.
This is maybe the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.
This is hilarious. Also: I talked with your boss recently and she does *really* respect you.
You had me at mouth spewing out not misogyny but Lisa Frank stickers.
I’ve never wanted magic to be real so badly in my life.
This reminds me that my adult life is noticeably less Lisa Franked than I intended when I was 7.
I currently have a very large Lisa Frank kitten angel magnet on my fridge.
*googling this immediately*
If you google “Lisa Frank Kitten Angel”, it’s one of the first ones that pops up. It has the banner at the bottom that says LOVE. My roommate put it in my Christmas stocking several years ago. best. gift. ever.
Something kind of similar happens to me. Men have shouted “Hey, how you doing?” And I smile and say “good, thanks!” and keep walking, end of interaction. Also, men have complimented my hairpin (ha!) that has a peacock feather attached. Just “oh, neat hair decoration!”
cool cool cool
congratulations, how wonderful
Ah, I forgot, I’m not supposed to share hopeful stories about the times when things aren’t horribly shitty! I stupidly thought this might give someone hope. When will I learn to just shut up?
I’ll show myself out.
I liked your comment!
Oh no! I do think that ‘not all interactions are bad’ is a hopeful message to share (which can be true without invalidating the also true statement ‘street harassers should spew only brightly colored stickers’).
OMG you mean the majority of men are actually NOT complete scumbags! Obviously this can’t be true! What world do we live in that this double standard stereotype isn’t true?
lol mras
Of course it’s fine to share pleasant stories! Many men do not harass women; many folks of all sorts of genders have lovely encounters with one another throughout the day. “Something kind of similar happens to me” just makes it sound like you already dwell in this magical world, and it fills us with jealousy (give us the key to your magical world).
The key to the magical world is my mind, where I like to imagine that those good interactions are somehow attributed to magic and good will. To be fair, I’ve also been harassed plenty, but I’ve also learned to be so mentally oblivious to other people that I sometimes don’t even recognize that people are speaking directly to me. I just sort of assume that they have some sort of Tourette Syndrome, or are talking on some hidden bluetooth device, and since it would be rude eavesdrop or comment on someone’s affliction, I just sort of block it all out. I like to let the good stuff get filtered in though.
I wasn’t trying to make anyone jealous or unhappy. I’m not good interacting with people, which really sort of explains the weird mental walls I put up to block out the bad stuff. So I guess that’s the key, just be sort of a nutter, like me.
Humans, your rules of interaction are frightening and strange to me, I do not understand them! Apologies all around for any offense caused by this confused one.
Pfft, whatevs. I love your perspective. The world needs more nutters like you.
I don’t see how anyone could take your comment negatively. 😀 I loved it. A guy commented on my shirt in a non-sexual way. He said “Wow, that’s really nice and stylish!” I wish I was as well-disciplined as you so I could tune out the mimbos.
haha, sorry if I was a bit bitter! It just sounded like you were saying the bad version never happens to you, only the lalala wonderful magic version. That does sound like a nice hairpin 🙂
That does sound like a neat hair decoration!
I’ll be honest, I get really excited when a stranger says something nice to me that isn’t creepy. “Thanks for being totally respectfully nice to me, stranger! PROGRESS!” I think to myself. Usually these comments amount to “that is a sweet cyberman tote bag you have there,” “awesome hoodie,” or “cool necklace!”
I wore a bad-ass, rainbow-striped, shoulder-and-cleavage-revealing dress when I was in Oakland and all the comments were about how awesome it is rather than my breasts. It was a magical trip that has yet to happen again.
I never know whether to be happy or even sadder after leaving a street encounter with a man in which I wasn’t treated terribly. Like, ‘Oh how nice! After he told me I was pretty and I said thanks, he didn’t continue walking alongside me!’ or ‘Hey he just whistled and didn’t comment on my breasts while I was doing my groceries – what a gentleman!’
I want a sweet cyberman tote! <3
I was on a train one morning on the way to London, doing my eyeliner. Some guy in his early 50s (I was 21 at the time) was on a seat next to me (the aisle between us). So I spent a while doing make up, just some eyeliner and mascara, general things to look good for a job interview. He obviously noted my efforts and in the nicest, friendliest way as he got up to leave at his stop, he paused and said “you look lovely”. Gave me the warmest smile ever and then just got off the train.
I was so heartwarmed by that, you have no idea. That was just a kind person saying something to give you a boost, with no ulterior motives. Nothing pervy, nothing dodgy. Just a nice gentleman on his way to work one morning complimenting another person. I wish all my interactions with stange men on trains were that nice.
The moral of the story… they do exist. The nice, magical and kind ones are out there and are where you least expect it, so they can blindside you with kind words one nerve-racking morning :]
Some guys really don’t seem to realise that a pleasant, nonsexual compliment might be more appropriate and nîcer to receive than ehhhhhh nice tits darlin’.
It’s good to be reminded that some DO.
peacock feathers are bad luck — look it up
PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS JEWELRY! I died.
…because you were crowned with the black tiara?
No. They don’t die. They never die. They just become invisible to human eyes and immaterial. FOREVER.
Think about it. It’s the best.
Won’t they just creep in bathrooms, invisibly?
And you ruined it.
I can’t believe other people remember this game! My cousin used to cheat at it when we were really, really small.
I thought this couldn’t be any better, and then got to the Pretty Pretty Princess reference and realized just how wrong I had been.
I can’t decide what I love most: that rendering of the jeweled nightingale, the little sockets left after the ponies have been removed… no, it’s totally the Grim Reaper in a tiara.
My favorite part is OH WHO AM I KIDDING ALL OF IT
I know! I was trying to pick my favorite image to repost on facebook or something and I CAN’T DECIDE. It’s like a Hyperbole and a Half post… just can’t pick a “best.”
Yeah, every time I want to share funny/relatable/profound parts from a H&aH post with someone I end up telling them to just read the whole thing.
I am left speechless by the perfection of this, but I am nodding emphatically.
<3 you, The Toast. <3 you forever.
Good cans? Plural? What are cans referencing, boobs or butts? I am not an expert on cat calls, giving or receiving, but I thought “nice can” meant “nice ass”. And jugs are boobs. These are not appealing sounding names. “Hey guys, let’s call women’s body parts different everyday generic items. That’ll degrade them enough so that I can touch them, bring em down to my level.”
I feel like a can holds less than a jug, so maybe it depends on whether your breasts or posterior are more prominent? Or perhaps the volumetric size of either/both? WHAT CONTAINER ARE YOUR BODY PARTS (in this month’s issue of Cosmo)
A canned ham and 2 jugs of sarsaparilla is my ideal woman.
I’ve heard “cans” used in reference to breasts before, but never butts.
I have heard can (singular) as butt and I have heard cans (plural) as breasts!
I think this should clear things up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSfrbqCQr78
Oh wow, my life would be sunshine and rainbows if this were the case. What about the guy who gropes you on the dance floor when you’re in a circle with some girlfriends and insults you as you push his hand away – he dissolves into a glittering, faintly eucalyptus scented mist?
That would make clubs more bearable, too, since they’d stop smelling so bad.
Isn’t Pretty Pretty Princess a board game though, not a book? Just sayin’.
I feel like this would have to be less an adjustment of the vocal chords, and more a neurological chip, a la Spike on Buffy, so they can’t type shit like this either.
That looks like a box to me.
The reddit polo on the groping fedora guy is icing on the cake.
I am glad someone caught this! A last glimmer of joy before i am assassinated by a roving MRA hit squadron
You’re good people, Lubchansky. Stay here with us.
It’s okay! The fedora-hate will put you in touch with some of the best people you’ll ever meet.
Perfect!! (I know everyone else has said it but I have nothing else to say.) Also, I love that every single person who has liked it on facebook (including me) has also shared it.
So wonderfully perfect. Just so good.
Also, this is so amazing, can we also do one for racists? Last night, a bunch of strangers on the street made “Chinese noises” at my guy. I would like to have seen their eyeballs fall out of their heads and turn into delicious, delicious steamed buns.
Any time someone tries to make a racial slur all that comes out is the opening theme to “The Muppet Show”
Or this.
PERFECT
Body parts turning into food related to the slur was also something that came to my mind! Delicious, delicious food.
Yeah! And then replaced by “Asian eyes”
If a catcaller was going to use a racial slur or any racialized term was going to be used in the catcalling, then they’ll find themselves belting out “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” All three verses of it.
The other option that comes to mind is that they find themselves compelled to give you delicious croissants that have appeared in their hands, but that might just come out of my current obsession with croissants.
This is amazing! I want to frame it and put it on my wall! (no seriously, can you make a print of this?)
A little bird (well, a sculpture of a little bird made of bathroom drain hair that Mallory threw at me) tells me that an online shop with prints may be in the works. Stay tuned!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! Please! I need beautiful, clever decorations for my walls and it would make me exceedingly happy to support the Toast n’ friends!
oh my GOD seconded.
Men who holler shit out of their cars before roaring off will be startled to find their tires all go flat at once. Well-organized hoodlums emerge as one entity and descend upon the immovable vehicle. They dismantle the car with unerring precision and speed: engine, doors, frame, all the contents therein. The driver is left futilely clutching the steering wheel and pressing the inoperable gas pedal frantically, screaming that this isn’t fair, eyes rolling in sheer helplessness.
Revenge fantasies are just the best.
It’s like a reverse pit crew and I love it.
This is almost perfect but it needs the pleasant dash of whimsy at the end. I think after the car has been thoroughly disassembled the cloud of dust will settle and he will be sitting precariously on top of a red tricycle with rainbow streamers in the handlebars.
I love you.
On the one hand, a street harasser vomiting Lisa Frank stickers is a mental image I will treasure for the rest of my life. Rest. Of. My life.
On the other hand, I think it’s really important to recognize that not all men are street harassers. I know, I know, I’m getting a little pedantic, but in the first panel the text suggests “Surgically alter all men’s vocal cords.” I know plenty of men who are just as appalled and upset by street harassment as I am, and I think it’s unfair to assume that all men have some underlying instinct to shout things at strange women on the street.
I propose a toast (pun intended) to the awesome dudes in my life who would never, ever, ever, ever need this type of surgery.
Also to the torrent of Lisa Frank stickers. Good lord that is wonderful.
(I overanalyze everything, I’m not great at controlling that tendency.)
To be fair, all men’s vocal cords could be altered but the ones who never harass would never experience these effects. (Unless they wanted to give you Lisa Frank stickers, perhaps.)
Sure. I just think that assuming the worst of stand-up people is a crappy thing to do.
(… a startlingly optimistic statement to come from me)
That’s fair.
I raise my glass to your toast to the good and awesome dudes in all our lives! May they put the smackdown on those who are not.
While it’s true that not *all* men are street harassers, this surgical alteration [if hypothetically done to all men] would hilariously preempt vocal street harassment.
A friend just told me about an elderly man in her neighborhood who would shout to women, “You’re prettier than ten thousand flowers!” And once a thuggish-looking fellow in a passing car shouted that he liked my shoes—which were battered brown clogs. Sarcasm? Better than the exaggerated kissing sounds I usually get, at least.
Old man street harassment is the best. My friend and I once passed a man who was chuckling to himself about how tightly together two cars were parked (“Tighter than a crab’s ass–and that’s WATERtight!”) when he noticed us, and yelled “Y’all look like you fell off the yum-yum tree!”
That man need not be turned into a jeweled nightengale. His mind is already all gems and birdsong.
Is there a way for you to bring up the black jewelry from pretty pretty princess more often? Not just here but in everyday conversation please, thank you.
I always wanted to walk down the street wearing leather work gloves and carrying a bag of live lobsters and crabs. Some guy gets in my face and I pull one out and attach it where it would do the most good.
Guys, I would like to encourage you to read my friend Jon’s plan to end street harassment. It involves swords.
http://flavorcountry.tumblr.com/post/58803431035/…
Also, I shared this on facebook and now am in an argument with a dude. (He has daughters! I expected better of him, though I don’t really know why.)
OH NO. Details please.
I think it ended up not being quite as bad as I thought it might turn out to be. His issues were: 1) The obesity epidemic will take care of street harassment, hurr. 2) I think sexy thoughts about ladies but I don’t say them out loud – street harassers are just creeps who can’t stop the words from coming out. 3) Street harassment can’t be about exerting power over women because gay men get street harassed, too.
I think maybe he was given some things to think about – he was more stubbornly obtuse than aggressive about it – but I don’t think I really convinced him.
hahaha – tell your friend he is great!
The construction worker in the final example has turned into a Pretty Pretty Nazgûl!
The guy who shouted “Sit on my face!” when I was sixteen years old, instead offers me a nice chair and says, “Hey! You look tired. Would you like to sit here? I have a cup of tea and a dozen copies of “Love and Rockets” for you to read. I’ll just stand here and block the sun from your shoulders.”
Cannot deal.
https://www.facebook.com/amy.andrews.94/posts/498…
Well, the comic DOES say “all men” in the first panel, something I didn’t notice until I looked for it, which is kind of screwed up. This should just be “all people” if you want to get down to real equality. It should also show asshole women having things happen to them.
Example: The other day at work, an old, crabby, overweight woman harassed one of my coworkers on the sales floor, telling her she was a nosy, fat, b*tch. Now, I don’t have a problem with people being overweight in the slightest, but the woman then turned around and treated me very sweetly, and I’m almost positive it’s because I’m a tall, white-looking, skinny woman. The hypocrisy of telling someone of your body-type to lose weight nearly made me lose my sh!t.
Women also oppress women, and that’s my point. Catcallers are bad, but so are mean people in general.
But this comic is specifically about cat-callers and street harassment. If this were about ‘mean people’, then I could completely agree with you that there would need to be more of an equal footing here. But it isn’t.
And I’m fairly certain female cat callers are less prominent in most societies. I could be wrong, but the comic seems to be pointing out the problem with cat-calling (and males tend to be the aggressors in that).
pretty pretty princess doesn’t have a black tiara 😐
Has… has Pretty Pretty Princess changed since I had it as a kid? Because there wasn’t a whole set of black jewelry, just a black ring that you couldn’t win if you were wearing it :/
Aaaaaand now I’ve revealed too much about the amount of time I spent playing Pretty Pretty Princess as a kid. Usually with my little brother, actually, now that I think about it.
don’t feel bad, it ruined the joke for me too
In the early 1960s, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) acquired property in a rural area outside Poolesville, Maryland. The facility that was built on this property housed several research projects, including those headed by Calhoun. It was here that his most famous experiment, the mouse universe, was created.
In July 1968 four pairs of mice were introduced into the Utopian universe. The universe was a 9-foot (2.7 m) square metal pen with 54-inch-high (1.4 m) sides. Each side had four groups of four vertical, wire mesh “tunnels”. The “tunnels” gave access to nesting boxes, food hoppers, and water dispensers. There was no shortage of food or water or nesting material. There were no predators. The only adversity was the limit on space.
Initially the population grew rapidly, doubling every 55 days. The population reached 620 by day 315, after which the population growth dropped markedly. The last surviving birth was on day 600. This period between day 315 and day 600 saw a breakdown in social structure and in normal social behavior. Among the aberrations in behavior were the following: expulsion of young before weaning was complete, wounding of young, inability of dominant males to maintain the defense of their territory and females, aggressive behavior of females, passivity of non-dominant males with increased attacks on each other which were not defended against.
After day 600 the social breakdown continued and the population declined toward extinction. During this period females ceased to reproduce. Their male counterparts withdrew completely, never engaging in courtship or fighting. They ate, drank, slept, and groomed themselves – all solitary pursuits. Sleek, healthy coats and an absence of scars characterized these males. They were dubbed “the beautiful ones”.
The conclusions drawn from this experiment were that when all available space is taken and all social roles filled, competition and the stresses experienced by the individuals will result in a total breakdown in complex social behaviors, ultimately resulting in the demise of the population.
Calhoun saw the fate of the population of mice as a metaphor for the potential fate of man.
Did he happen to notice that people are not mice?
….. Did the Mice gain sentience and go on to escape and live in thorn valley?
I know a guy who says this kind of stuff, and it don’t work too good for em YANOWATIMSAYIN
This cartoon reminds me of a segment from “Henry Rollins’ 50th birthday party”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJVEbvVDk7s&fe…
“Positive abuse” as Rollins calls it.
This is so perfect. I was checking out a woman on the street today who I thought was 100% cooler than me and as we passed she tilted her sunglasses down and said, “That’s a cute dress!” I’m still smiling about it. There’s nothing better than fellow lady compliments
Guys, I hate to be That Guy on such a brilliant post, but my inner Pretty-Princess-obsessed seven-year-old know-it-all would never forgive me if I don’t say it –
There was only a black ring in that game! Not a full set of black jewelry.
So freakin AWESOME~!
I would say, “Not to burst anyone’s bubble…” but that’s exactly what I plan to do. What about the premise of the comic is fair or equal? I hate street harassment as much as I abhor hate speech, but I stand with Voltaire on this one. I defend their right to say it. Censorship is never the answer to anything.
The argument that it hurts people is asinine. There should be a punishment for hurting someone’s feelings? Grow up. The real world isn’t grade school. Don’t let your self-esteem depend on the opinion of others, period. Especially the caliber of people who holler at you on the street.
With that out of the way, my remaining argument is this: is your endgame equality, or replacing the patriarchy with the matriarchy? Equality won’t make a happy-go-lucky theme park world for women, it just levels the playing field so all of us greedy, hungry, scrabbling animals can fight for a place at the top fairly. If the world you envision makes things easier for you, that’s called control, or dominion, not equality.
So suck it up, remember that you’re a great bitch/badass/goddess/princess/whatever no matter what anyone else says, and I’ll see you on that level playing field one day.
I think there’s middle ground between wishing women faced less street harassment within a fantasy scenario and being a censorious tyrant promoting a crypto-fascist agenda through humorous webcomics. Is it “fair or equal” of you to assume the author secretly has matriarchal intentions? Is it fair that you have to ask if she isn’t the feminist boogeywomyn that all the reactionary ideologues warned you about?
The point of freedom of speech, at least for thinkers like Voltaire, is to allow freedom of thought. Street harassment doesn’t really express a thought or even anything meaningful at all. This speech is already “free,” yet you go further and ask that it be protected. This is nothing new, but an old story. As Richard Dawkins once said, “How unreasonable people are! They never use the freedoms they have but demand those they do not have; they have freedom of thought—they demand freedom of speech.”
Delightful!
I hope this is only the beginning for the Pretty Pretty Princess tag…
The comic strip was funny, sure, but isn’t it a bit sexist?
Indeed, there are men out there who don’t know how to treat a lady. There are men who feel totally content with harassing and disrespecting women. Truth is, though, most of us love women. In fact, a lot of men will go out of their way to treat strange women better than themselves or their male peers. On the flip side, how do women typically treat strange men? If a man who was decent-looking (but just not your type) asked you out, would you ignore him? Reject him? Maybe belittle him by saying you’re out of his league? See, it’s fun to joke about society and the roles it imposes on us, but women can be every bit as cruel and disrespectful as men can. Comics like these only work to divide us more by reinforcing this ridiculous notion that men are rude, horny scumbags who only care about what women have on the outside.
……………………………………………..you are missing the point so hard that its hilarious.
1st of all, no, this isnt sexist. You can’t be sexist against men because the world and patriarchy are set to benefit us, dudes.
2nd, What you’re basically saying is: “I don’t care that women are harassed and threatened – multiple times every day of their entire lives since they turn 12 and they live in fear of those men escalating those advances and reacting with anger and entitlement which often leads to violence or rape or more harsh verbal harassment(‘nice tits!’ *woman ignores* ‘hey whatever you fucking cunt!’) and then having those women be told that they were “asking for it” if they were too A) accommodating to the creepy stranger(which means they ‘led them on’ nevermind that they tried to let them down gently by smiling because the situation so often escalaets to violence as previously stated) or B) angry and dismissive of the men, meaning that they ‘angered a “”””NICE GUY””” who just wanted to give the ‘stupid broad a compliment’ – I dont care about any of this because in my world, I imagine some women might not find me attractive and shun me out because of THAT and not because im being a disgusting creep who feels entitled to yell obscenities at women I do not know.”
…like, you see this comic: a reaction and demonstration of how women find these advances scary, annoying, downright degrading, and that these are things they have to live with for their entire lives. and things their DAUGHTERS will grow up in.
And AFTER ALL OF THIS, all you can say is: “WOW, THIS IS TOTES REVERSE-SEXIST, YOU GUYS! THINK ABOUT TEH MENZ!!!!”
Please go bash your head repeatedly against a wall and go spend 10 minutes in the timeout corner until you stop being such an ignorant idiot.
— a feminist dude who gets it.
You *do* get it, Aleksander! Thank you so very much for this post.
I’ve seen men do that kind of stuff in movies and heard cliches about it but I didn’t realize it actually happened. Pathetic.
All my friends have had things like this yelled at them…WHILE IN SCHOOL UNIFORM…WHEN THEY WERE 13.
And it only gets worse from there. No matter what country you’re in, men feel entitled to yell at, grope, follow, stalk, annoy young girls and women and if you dont reply by bending over and saying “please”, you’re a “fucking cunt.”
Go straight to invasive surgial mutillation? I thought the point was to *stop* things like female circumcision.
this is SATIRE. -_- like you could make people throw up Lisa Frank stickers or have tongues turn into birds?
You’re latching onto the most ridiculous part of the post.
If you’re going to get technical, no matter how you sever someone’s vocal chords, you can’t make them say something they’re not trying to say. The whole comic is satire and a joke in reaction to women’s anger to being catcalled all the time. If you seriously can’t even get that, you need to go have a sit for a thousand years.
*(unwarranted and offensively ignorant comment about “double standards” or something else ridiculous from sexist male commenter)
Oh yeah, fuck freedom of speech. That’s an evil nasty thing to have.
Theres a way to use our freedom of speech. Its called being kind to others and controlling your impulse to make an insulting comment.
Translation: I’m too much of an infant to take responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth. I think that I am entitled to other people’s approval when I do/say stupid sh*t. I fundamentally misunderstand the concept of “freedom of speech” by thinking that it only applies to only me. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you, but freedom of speech goes both ways! You have the “freedom of speech” to yell inappropriate things at strangers and everyone else has the “freedom of speech” to make fun of you for being terrible! Yay freedom!
Yeah, I agree with some of the other comments here that there are some problems with this, i.e. assuming all men are harassers, freedom of speech, etc. On the other hand, there’s nothing like a good revenge fantasy, and that panel with Death in a tiara is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Also, Jeweled Nightingale FTW.
So… you think that the author wanted to, what, legally mandate that people vomit Lisa Frank stickers? That the Magic Police replace their hands with My Little Ponies? That's what you think is going on here?
YES! I LOVED PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!