For reference.
“Excuse me,” he asked quietly, “Is this seat taken?” She looked up, lusciously, from the New York Times (but in German) and blinked, still lusciously, before smiling.
“No, please go ahead.” He sat down and smiled back.
“So,” he said, “is the coffee any good here?”
She let the Times (still in German) drop to her (still luscious) lap. “No,” she said. “And I blame–”
“–the Internet,” he finished, almost unconsciously, until he realized they’d both spoken in unison. They laughed, and something warm knit the air between them together.
“The coffee here was much better before the Internet,” she said. “I’ve been to Germany.”
He scooted his chair closer to hers. “Oh, have you? I love Germany. It’s so uncool.”
“If you say you’re taking a trip to Germany, you’d better be able to explain what specifically you’re planning to do there,” she said, “or else people will wonder why you’re not going someplace where life is beautiful. Even now, Germany insists on content over form. If the concept of coolness had existed in Kraus’s time, he might have said that Germany is uncool.”
“Wow,” he said.
“I read that in a magazine,” she said by way of explanation.
“I wrote that,” he said.
“Get out of here.”
“I did, I wrote that.”
“Where did I read that?”
“The Guardian.”
“I’ve never quoted anything from a magazine in my life,” she said. “That’s amazing. Don’t you think that’s amazing?”
“Look,” he said, “It spoke to you, and that pleases me.”
“Do you find the thighs of Lena Dunham inexcusable, too?” she asked.
“I do. I do. I can find no excuse for them anywhere in the works of Karl Kraus, the Great Hater, nor in the writings of any of the lesser haters who came after him.”
“Did you know that Martha Stewart went to prison, and that all of rap music has betrayed its roots because P. Diddy hosts a costume party every year?”
“I did not know this,” he said gravely, “but I have been watching a lot of those new Mac vs. PC ads lately.”
“Computers,” she said.
“Computers,” he said. They drank their coffee.
“Have you ever noticed,” she began, then halted.
“What is it?” he asked.
“No, it’s stupid,” she said.
“Impossible.”
“Have you ever noticed,” she continued, “Have you ever noticed that everything important on television is about people our age?”
He nodded slowly. “I had noticed that,” he said. “I had noticed that, because all of my friends who own television sets have told me that.”
“Not like how the Internet is,” she said, laughing a little. He laughed too. The coffee was warm and dark.
“I’ve heard of Fifty Shades of Gray,” she said, not a little proudly.
“Hmm,” he said. “Everything is wrong.”
“Facebook,” she said knowingly.
“Yes, Facebook,” he agreed. “What should the young people do?”
“The young people should rock bands,” she said, banging her fist on the table so emphatically her coffee spilled a little. They laughed a little then, because she was so full of life, just as her cup was full of coffee.
“The young people should not Jeff Bezos. Nor Amazon,” he said, then poured like half a thing of the sugar shaker into his coffee. “They should not shout ‘Whoa!’ at Mentos.”
“There is no system to harsh to stop genius,” she said.
“You’ve made a claim,” he said.
“I have, haven’t I?” she smiled.
“But of course–” he began.
“The Internet,” they finished together in chorus.
“Between piracy, and China, and digital, Hollywood is just all messed up,” she said.
“And Salman Rushdie keeps sending me emojis,” he said. A single tear fell into his sugar mound.
“Everything should be intense,” she said. “Like Led Zeppelin, or escalators, or dying inside of a forest.”
“Like King Lear,” he said. They both flung their coffee in each other’s open eyes.
“That was so intense,” she breathed, blinking. “I can’t see.”
“Could you ever see?” he asked, bleeding a little bit out of his eyes.
“Let’s go to Germany,” she cried. “Let’s go to Germany at once.”
“We are already there,” he said. And they were, and it was wonderful.
Tags: affectionate teasing, bleeding a little bit out of your eyes, did you spot the when harry met sally quote, elizabeth wurtzel, fan fiction, friendship, germany, i blame the internet, jonathan franzen, led zeppelin, literature, you crazy kids
I tried to think of a witty comment and the only thing in my head right now is “I love you.”
“And Salman Rushdie keeps sending me emojis” nearly killed me
From the linked article: “inexcusable thighs” (re Lena Dunham, apparently in earnest?)
ah I missed that you hit that one, of course you did.
The linked article might as well be a thousand words of “me me me me me, me me. Me me? Me. Me me me; me me, me me me me. But enough about me. What do YOU think of me?”
In terms of the dozens of passing turd clods flying through the air in that article, that one may have left me the most aghast. (It’s somehow even worse because she’s being really complimentary of her work! But, you know, it can’t pass without comment that her body is “inexcusable”)
“Her success, like all success, is fairly won”
I did spot the quote! AND I LOVED IT!
Of course we spotted it, Mallory. Of course we did. What do you think we are, monsters?
Well, praise the Lord, Jonathan Franzen got his shot at the hot girl in Germany after all. Thus definitively answering, once and for all, the enduring question of whether or not he could have had sex with her. I’m sure I speak for us all when I say that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
hey hey HEY
this is a FRIENDSHIP fanfiction
not a sexy fanfiction
Only because he CHOSE not to bang her. He totally could have, you know. banged her, I mean.
can i throw a large coffee at this- or like, three espressos in rapid succession
also this line:
“Have you ever noticed,” she continued, “Have you ever noticed that everything important on television is about people our age?”
makes me want to DIE
Led Zeppelin stole all of their music from lesser known blues artists and sued them when they tried to claim rightful authorship. John Lennon was a wife beater.
ANYWAY this article is great and makes me less angry about dumb assholes being dumb assholes.
PREACH
It’s so beautiful it hurts to look at it.
Franzen throwing emojis to the ground for elderly women to pick up
There are only two good things in the world right now and this is both of them
This was the best thing I’ve read this year.
““Could you ever see?” he asked, bleeding a little bit out of his eyes”
DYING.
I’m just worried about Harry. He’s very sensitive, he’s going through a rough period, and I just don’t want you to reject him right now.
“Between piracy, and China, and digital, Hollywood is just all messed up,” she said.
I just assumed you made this up, because of how absurd it is, but nope, it is almost a direct quote. Amazing.
Okay also WHAT:
“A lot of people believe they are doing things when they are interacting online. ”
and
“Fall in the forest and die for all anyone cares, because if you can’t let people know you matter, you are just another tree.”
Did someone overhear her sleeptalking, and just wrote that down and published it? This is dream-logic, this is.
And this: ” If you don’t know what I mean, listen to Led Zeppelin II. Not just because it makes my point better than I just did, but also because it’s wonderful.”
…She had a point??
Also, Mallory, this is brilliant. I snorted and chortled through the whole thing. In a good way! 😀
I just wanted to interact with you to let you know that you matter.
There’s plenty about Franzen that’s ripe for mockery, but to suggest that he puts sugar in his coffee like some kind of goddamn animal is a bridge too far.
Wow this is so… oops looks I’m fresh out of superlatives. Sorry Mallory. I ran through my whole supply last week.
I appreciate this interpretation, as the original Daily Beast article is unreadable. It’s like she was hijacked by a bitter and smug Horse_ebooks.
MALLORY
Umm, if Wurtzel is looking for a twentysomething success story in the world of high art and entertainment, I humbly nominate one Mallory Ortberg.
Of course we spotted it, Mallory. Of course we did. What do you think we are, monsters?
The linked article might as well be a thousand words of "me me me me me, me me. Me me? Me. Me me me; me me, me me me me. But enough about me. What do YOU think of me?"
So Elizabeth Wurtzel is only a few years older than I am, and on behalf of our shared generation (ugh), I’d like to apologize to all the Youngs out there for her rambling crapfest. We’re not all like this, really.
I’m four years older than Wurtzel and she sounds like an old fart to me. She and my David Brooks-worshiping in-laws should get together.
So Elizabeth Wurtzel is only a few years older than I am, and on behalf of our shared generation (ugh), I'd like to apologize to all the Youngs out there for her rambling crapfest. We're not all like this, really.
Is there another band that would make that Wurtzel word-thing funnier? I really don’t think so. Like, maybe Dream Theater? The Original London Cast Recording of Starlight Express?
Is there another band that would make that Wurtzel word-thing funnier? I really don't think so. Like, maybe Dream Theater? The Original London Cast Recording of Starlight Express?
You quoted the annoying best friends meet cute in When Harry Met Sally – Love!
I also wrote…”pesto is the quiche of the 80s.”
The Wurzels.
I'm four years older than Wurtzel and she sounds like an old fart to me. She and my David Brooks-worshiping in-laws should get together.
"Her success, like all success, is fairly won"