Patina Miller Appreciation Time -The Toast

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Let’s all take a few minutes out of what is sure to be a busy day to appreciate that we were born into the historical era with unprecedented levels of Patina Miller access.

First: from 2008, her performance of “The Temp and the Receptionist” with Anderson Davis.

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Anderson Davis personifies “terrified determination” in a fashion so profoundly likable that he almost succeeds in distracting me from Patina Miller. Excellent work, Anderson Davis. There is so much to love here! His furtive eyebrows, her increasingly confident growls, the way she sings “Microsoft Excel,” and the dear little hand-holding at the end.

Also from 2008, her version of “Random Black Girl”:

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It astonishes me that this video does not have ten million views. Everyone should have to watch this video once a day before they are allowed to log into their Deadline commenting accounts (I will never tell you my handle there). She sings like a surgeon. She never makes mistakes; she carves chunks out of the air and turns them into perfect notes of music in her lungs before heaving them precisely at the audience. Her face is perfect and also her arms are perfect and also she is perfect and I love her.

Were you disappointed that Sister Act didn’t do very well? Do not be. It was never going to be very good — Sister Act the movie wasn’t very good either; your memories of it are clouded by nostalgia — and Patina Miller was always going to move on to better and brighter things.

Here she is winning a Tony in the most beautiful dress a non-mermaid woman has ever worn. It’s a classic acceptance speech: she’s breathless, she talks about “the big city” and the Broadway community, she oddly over-enunciates the word “crew,” she loves her stepdad Tim.

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A religion could be founded on the strength of that dress alone. If you did found a religion about it, would you name it Patinism, or Patinasticism?

She is also — as you undoubtedly already know — going to be in the final two Hunger Games as Commander Paylor, which means that we should start talking about those. Do you have strong feelings about the Hunger Games movies? Could I have some of them?

Your day will be long, and your day will wilt the freshness out of your soul, but there is a woman named Patina Miller with eyes like warm gemstones and a voice that frightens away demons, and you can watch her on YouTube anytime you like.

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