“It is my belief that an acute [NOUN A] of (the) [NOUN B] is the cause of your [BODY PART] [NOUN C]. The only possible treatment is to apply [NOUN D] [LENGTH OF TIME], otherwise avoiding [OBSOLETE/MADE-UP DISEASE] may prove impossible.”
NOUN A
Paucity
Surfeit
Buildup
Drying-up
Heresy
Corruption
Exacerbation
Pulsing
Stirring up
Persistence
Wandering
Somnolence
Agitation
Overabundance
Suppuration
Moistening
Softening
Infrigidation
Inflammation
Lassitude
Rheumatism
Festering
Dislocation
Accumulation
Want
Sympathy
Lack
Vagabondery
Aggregation
Wistfulness
Excess
Migration
Folly
Stagnation
NOUN B
Black bile
Old blood
Choler
Serosal excretions
Green bile
Sexual activity
Menstrual forces
Vital salts
Sperm
Lesser vitamins
Skull
Lungs
Neck
Lymphs
Joint
Minerals
Moral fiber
Womb
Anti-vitamins
Pulsing enzymes
Electrical impulses
Arteries
Leg
Mucous
Spleen
Cool blood
BODY PART
Neck
Earlet
Skin
The Globe of Ares
Nerviles
Membrane
Spinal column
Brain sheath
Flanks
NOUN C
Lugubriousness
Failure
Congealing
Milk leg
Asthenia
Dipsomania
Goiters
Miasmas
Numbness
Demagnetization
Fits
Irritation
Disenfortitude
Giantism
Lumbago
Night fevers
Partial polio
Decrepitude
Ulcerations
Delinquency
Paroxysms
Insalubriousness
Too much salubriousness
Morbidity
Enfeeblement
Rising of the Lights
Morning complaint
Ague
Rebellion
Grotesqueries
Flux
NOUN D
Emetics
Tobacco smoke
Bed rest
Copper
Trepanning
Peppermint tea leaves
Vigorous massage
A trained haruspex
Grape skins
Lots of opium
Vigorous paddling
Corsets
Mormon wafers
Burnett’s Extracts
Nerve and brain ointments
A Roman bath
Hot ashes
A heroin belt
Ice water
Sawdust
Tapeworms
Chloroform
Four drops of mercury
A sound beating
Sulphur
Cocaine
A sweating cure
Electricity
LENGTH OF TIME
At once
Before Whitsuntide
Immediately
After Michaelmas
Posthaste
In a fortnight’s time
Apace
For at least an hour every day
OBSOLETE/MADE-UP DISEASE
Apoplectic rinderpest
Throat rage
Vestibulitis
Pubic reversal
Liver shortage
Nightingale eyes
The bilious chokes
English dropsy
Syphilitic splenitis
Festering mania
Triple rickets
The fisherman’s malady
Weird ankles
Elbow whimsy
Night dropsy
Wandering heart
Yaws
Membranous croup
Quinsy
Gentleman’s abscess
Tingling ligaments
Dracunculiasis
Partial death
Please post your selections in the comments.
Tags: mad libs, obsolete diseases, quackery, things mallory does for no reason, this is how medicine works, victorian doctors
My tank mate in gross anatomy worked tirelessly to trick the ancient (seriously, they were all 80+ and carried steak knives in sheathes on their belts) anatomy lecturers into debating the merits of balancing humors with him. He would have been INSUFFERABLE had he had these around to facilitate conversations.
“It is my belief that an acute HERESY of (the) SKULL is the cause of your MEMBRANE DELINQUENCY. The only possible treatment is to apply A TRAINED HARUSPEX FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR EVERY DAY, otherwise avoiding PUBIC REVERSAL may prove impossible.”
If we weren’t supposed to post our versions in the comments, I’m sorry, but what else did you expect?
The last line of the post suggests that she may be less than shocked by your effrontery.
Ah, I didn’t see that. Thanks for pointing it out!
I decided to try and double it up for twice the fun (that’s how everything works, right?)
“It is my belief that an acute moistening vagabondery of the womb arteries is the cause of your skin flanks’ partial polio delinquency. The only possible treatment is to apply cocaine tapeworms immediately after Michaelmas, otherwise avoiding weird ankle throat rage may prove impossible.”
I don’t know what cocaine tapeworms are but I’m into them.
“It is my belief that an acute VAGABONDERY of (the) MENSTRUAL FORCES is the cause of your BRAIN SHEATH DECREPITUDE. The only possible treatment is to apply LOTS OF OPIUM AFTER MICHAELMAS, otherwise avoiding THROAT RAGE may prove impossible.”
“It is my belief that an acute [somnolence] of (the) [womb] is the cause of your [membrane] [night fevers]. The only possible treatment is to apply [Mormon wafers] [apace], otherwise avoiding [Dracunculiasis] may prove impossible.”
interesting illustration choice. i like it.
maybe more 17th/18th-century than Victorian?
It is my belief that an acute [HERESY] of (the) [MUCUS] is the cause of your [NECK] [LUGUBRIOUSNESS]. The only possible treatment is to apply [VIGOROUS PADDLING] [POSTHASTE], otherwise avoiding [GENTLEMAN’S ABSCESS] may prove impossible. I further recommend sound squeezing of the Gentleman’s Protuberance upon the hour on the next full moon.
For anyone who wants to auto-generate these, I made a quick PHP generator (with credit to Mallory and a link to The Toast, so I’m assuming it’s okay, but yell at me if it’s not and I’ll take it down in a flash): Victorian Doctor Mad Libs
“It is my belief that an acute Persistence of the Choler is the cause of your Neck Miasmas. The only possible treatment is to apply Mormon wafers at once, otherwise avoiding Gentleman’s abscess may prove impossible.”
That was the first one that came up randomly and it is delightful.
“It is my belief that an acute Pulsing of the Cool blood is the cause of your Neck Goiters. The only possible treatment is to apply Vigorous paddling at once, otherwise avoiding Elbow whimsy may prove impossible.”
Yeah this is highly entertaining.
“It is my belief that an acute Sympathy of the Sexual activity is the cause of your Membrane Miasmas. The only possible treatment is to apply Grape skins Immediately, otherwise avoiding Nightingale eyes may prove impossible.”
SYMPATHY OF THE SEXUAL ACTIVITY. So that’s what the kids, etc.
It is my belief that an acute Pulsing of the Menstrual forces is the cause of your Earlet Milk leg. The only possible treatment is to apply Bed rest Apace, otherwise avoiding Festering mania may prove impossible.
“It is my belief that an acute Inflammation of the Lymphs is the cause of your Earlet Congealing. The only possible treatment is to apply Grape skins in a fortnight’s time, otherwise avoiding Elbow whimsy may prove impossible.”
I may start referring to all of my maladies as whimsies. Carpal tunnel? Oh, those whimsical wrists!
“It is my belief that an acute Stagnation of the Sexual activity is the cause of your Nerviles Giantism. The only possible treatment is to apply A heroin belt Posthaste, otherwise avoiding Pubic reversal may prove impossible.”
The logic this employs is weirdly internally consistent.
I’m throwing this into an excel spreadsheet and using a random number generator, so it looks like I’m working. BRB with results.
It is my belief that an acute Rheumatism of (the) Green bile is the cause of your Nerviles Rising of the Lights. The only possible treatment is to apply A Roman bath After Michaelmas, otherwise avoiding The fisherman’s malady may prove impossible.
Not bad, random number generator!
For some reason I really like this one:
It is my belief that an acute Exacerbation of (the) Electrical impulses is the cause of your Membrane Lumbago. The only possible treatment is to apply Grape skins Immediately, otherwise avoiding Partial death may prove impossible.
Every time I hit F9 it changes. I’ll be doing this all day.
It is my belief that an acute Want of (the) Serosal excretions is the cause of your Brain sheath Rebellion. The only possible treatment is to apply Four drops of mercury After Michaelmas, otherwise avoiding Gentleman’s abscess may prove impossible.
This is list is also great if you’re starting a Victorian Black Metal Band.
This is list is also great if you're starting a Victorian Black Metal Band.
This is delightful. My boyfriend and I were enjoying looking up ICD-10 codes yesterday (real code: GHOUL HAND) and code A66.9 is “Yaws, unspecified.”
If anyone is interested in old-timey medicine, the Sawbones podcast is great! It’s one of the brothers from My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and his doctor wife.
It is my belief that an acute Pulsing of the Menstrual forces is the cause of your Earlet Milk leg. The only possible treatment is to apply Bed rest Apace, otherwise avoiding Festering mania may prove impossible.
Ugh, don’t get me started on the vagabondery of my menstrual forces. Menses, you scamp!
Ugh, don't get me started on the vagabondery of my menstrual forces. Menses, you scamp!