Previously in our Allison Janney coverage: Things That Are Universally Liked Within A Particular Demographic.
My name is Allison Janney. I am — I was — an actress. I don’t know what I am now.
I have been here, I think, a little less than a year. It’s difficult to tell. There is no light in this building. At least there is no light that reaches me.
I tell others to thrive, but every day I remain here, I pray for death.
***
I do not know who I write these for. Perhaps for the one who comes after me, perhaps for no one at all.
I know that others will come, after I am gone. There will always be someone to read the lines. I thought I was coming in for an audition, the first day I came here.
“Tell them to thrive,” they hiss at me, over the hissing of my own fried and sizzingly skin. “Tell them about hugs, and tell them to walk in French. Put a smile in your voice.”
Kaiser Permanente means Eternal Ruler. No one will stop them. No one even realizes that they ought to be stopped.
I wonder if anyone in my old life has noticed I am missing.
***
There are others here, I know, although I cannot see them. No doubt this is deliberate. To remind me of their strength, to remind me of the impenetrability of this voiceover fortress.
I believe it is John Corbett’s screams that I hear in the cell next to mine. He — he tried to escape through death. They…corrected him. He speaks for Walgreens and Applebee’s both, now.
“FRIENDLIER,” the knife voices shriek through the pipes. “MORE NEIGHBORLY.” He flings himself against the walls. “TELL THEM ABOUT THE SAUCE. THE JACK DANIELS SAUCE. THE JACK DANIELS SAUCE AVAILABLE ON BOTH THE RIBS AND THE CHICKEN. TELL THEM ABOUT THE FLU SHOTS, JOHN. TELL THEM ABOUT WHAT WAITS FOR THEM, ON THE CORNER OF HAPPY AND HEALTHY.”
There is no corner of happy and healthy. Happy and healthy never meet.
***
My name is Allison Janney. I will never get out. They will never let me out.
I will thrive until it kills me.
Tags: a day in the life, allison janney, commercials, endorsements, kaiser permanente means “permanent Caesar” and that’s terrifying
I refuse to believe The Jackal could ever be imprisoned. *buries head in sand*
nothing has ever broken my heart more than this.
I like to believe that being trapped in The Kaiser’s Permanente means she has plenty of time to work on her novel. I’m dying to find out what happens with Reginald’s quivering member.
“Judith! What’s another word for ‘engorged?'”
I’ll look it up.
I do not know what exactly this is referencing, but Allison Janney-related ANYTHING makes me smile, even if Jack Daniels Sauce torture is involved, so I am pleased.
Allison Janney, my ultimate girl crush <3
There is something so satisfying about the way this is written. It encapsulates my existential horror but makes me laugh at the same time. I would like to hear this voice again.
Perhaps I am always hearing this voice.
nnnooooooooooooooooo
This is creepy. I literally thought to myself as I fell asleep last night “I wonder what Allison Janney’s doing now? I haven’t seen her in a while and she’s so good.”
Is it suddenly colder in here?
Go watch “Masters of Sex” immediately. Her arc with Beau Bridges is one of the best and most honest things ever on television.
I mean, anything to get her off of a Chuck Lorre show
I hate Chuck Lorre and his uncanny ability to find great actresses and trap them in crappy shows. First Melanie Lynskey, then Melissa McCarthy, now Allison Janney. When will he stop?
I know I’m in the minority but … I can’t stand her voice. When those Kaiser ads come on, I have to grab the remote and mute. Something about the quality of her voice on those ads, the smarmy tone, but I .. I just …can’t. Seriously, the way she says “Th-r-ive” brings on my gag reflex. I know I am a terrible person for saying this.
“I heard you! I was just trying to get you to change your mind. Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes while she was flying through the air like a goddamn lawn dart!”
ohgodohgodohgod.
i don’t think canada has these ads? maybe canada doesn’t have these ads. i don’t think i ever want to see these ads.
send help.
Another upside of single-payer healthcare: no creepy health insurance ads.
So, I’m a huge nerd who doesn’t have cable and thus only got the V for Vendetta part (and was pretty confused). I guess I should be glad the only Allison Janney in my life is CJ Cregg?
In a cell six floors below, John Krasinski, formerly Jim of The Office, endlessly recites a list of the things technology can help you save: your marriage, sanity, time, money. Your marriage, sanity, time, money. With Esurance, thirty percent of the money you spend on car insurance can be saved. But John Krasinski cannot be.
I am glad I am in the UK and have no idea what this is actually about, because frankly I’m already scared enough.
She’s the prettiest, ya know. Best damn tapper. The most smartest.
Oh this is from a real thing? I thought it was whole-cloth Mallory’s brain and was just like, ok, sure.