“I can tell she really cared for me. She didn’t make me a pallbearer.”
If you really love someone, you will never ask them to participate in your wedding or funeral, buy candy bars for your kid’s basketball team, or help you move anything.
Girls with long brown hair and beat-up army jackets are universally adored.
“And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?”
“Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I’m going to marry her!”
Always be a Lisa, never a Ralph; never allow someone who is aggressively vulnerable to intrude into your personal life. Pity is the enemy.
“She certainly tamed that horse!”
“Yes, but what man can tame her?”
Everyone loves a girl with a good seat.
“This is nothing but dead white male-bashing from a PC thug. It’s women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband.”
I mean, she’s not wrong.
“She’s like a Milk Dud, Lise: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.”
Never do anything for anyone; never eat Milk Duds.
“Domi-nique -nique -nique s’en allait tout simplement, Routier, pauvre et chantant.”
All-female societies are the answer to every problem.
“What kind of little boy has a tea set?”
“I think we both know the answer to that: a lucky boy.”
Don’t place too much importance on gender roles; keep the lewdness to a minimum.
I’m not quite sure how this relates to my larger theme, but the way Homer yells “No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!” breaks my heart every time.
And this: nothing is more meaningful, challenging, or ultimately rewarding than the slow development of Martin and Nelson’s friendship.
“Hark to the tale of Nelson and the boy he loved so dear! They remained the best of friends for years and years and years!”
“Here you are, Nelson!…Here you are, Nelson!…Here you are, Nelson!”
Never give up, Martin Prince.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.