Awful Scenes in Otherwise Great Movies

by Matt Lubchansky · March 19, 2014

Hey you! Do you like movies? Have a couple you love? Great, have a seat. I’ve got some news. Movies are trapped here on Earth and made by us awful humans, and they’re all bad. Yeah. Even the good ones.

1. GHOSTBUSTERS (1984): DAN AKROYD HAS A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH A GHOST FOR SOME REASON

INT. Ghostbusters Writer’s Room

RICK MORANIS: Okay, so what do we have here?

HAROLD RAMIS: Well, my idea here is a montage, where we show the Ghostbusters’ business picking up after they capture the ghost in the hotel.

RICK: Alright, standard stuff. Casey Kasem mentions them on the countdown or whatever, you see their commercial on the tv-

DAN AKROYD: alright what if i’m asleep and a ghost sucks my dick

HAROLD: Wait, wh-

DAN: no no, stay with me here. Like, i’m snoozing, yeah? Fast asleep. And then WHAMMO, a ghost just undoes my belt, whoopsie-daisy, and goes to town and I make a “WAZOOO!!!” face or whatever, right at the camera

*

2. THE DEPARTED (2006): EVERYONE IS A RAT

Yeah, yeah. So the point of the movie is everyone is a big rat, right? Rats everywhere. They say the word “rat” 40 times a minute in this movie. So what if, after the final scene, a RAT just walked right in front of the camera! To stand in front of the Massachusetts state house? GET IT?! Great. I was going to put a photoshopped image of Marty Scorcese with hams for fists here, but I think that might be too subtle.

Oh, is that not your favorite Scorcese? Fine, it’s a little late in the game and it’s not his strongest. How about:

*

3. GOODFELLAS (1990): JOE PESCI SHOOTS YOU WITH METAPHORS

Henry Hill made it out alive right, but he’s really dead, you know? BLAMMO! Does Marty know how to end a movie? I’m worried.

And screw Sid Vicious and all, but that cover of “My Way” rules.

*

4. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (2002): LEGOLAS INVENTS SKATEBOARDING

This is fine when Marty McFly does it because he is FROM SKATEBOARD TIMES. I’m not comfortable with the idea of such radical elves.

*

5. PULP FICTION (1994): QUENTIN TARANTINO GETS AN ENTIRE 120 SECONDS OF SCREEN-TIME

This actually might have been a merely outdated scene with a better actor? It’s got that soft ‘n comfortable dialogue cadence that makes Tarantino movies special. But it’s beautiful QT, begging for us to love him.

Every morning, Quentin cradles in his arms and kisses a little trophy he made himself that says “I SCREAMED THE N-WORD AT SAM JACKSON”

*

6. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980): VADER’S DINNER PARTY

how was he eating

*

7. THEY LIVE (1988): THE WHOLE DARN THING

They Live is a really extraordinary movie, in which it’s the greatest movie of all time and yet is composed of the worst scenes ever put on film. I love it .

Let’s go on a journey together, sheeple.

Either put on these glasses, or start eating that trash can.

*

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102 Comments

  1. shahea +28

    YES. YES. I adore LotR, I am an unabashed fangirl with tattoos and posters and I nearly bought YET another edition of the book because it was a DIFFERENT leather-like cover. I watched that scene with Legolas riding some sweet, sweet waves on the backs of oliphants (not to be confused with Timothy) and seriously went, “Oh for fuck’s sake. FINE WHATEVER JACKSON. YOU GET ONE.”

    And then he did it again, as osutein pointed out.

    1. osutein +40

      Think how much better DESOLATION OF SMAUG would have been if the love weird dwarf/elf love triangle was actually between Legolas, Kili, and Timothy Oliphant.

      1. JocastaCarr +8

        That would have been approximately 10000X hotter than the real (“real”) one. Although Timothy Olyphant tends to have that effect.

      2. mbculver +9

        Think how much better the Desolation of Smaug would have been if Jackson hadn’t taken the worst 40 seconds of Two Towers and repeated it for, like, half the movie.

    2. tekkah +19

      HELLO YOU ARE MY PEOPLE, oh ye who must show restraint when seeing editions of LotR you do not yet own.

          1. osutein +15

            I don’t really like smoking, but I will buy a pipe and some tobacco for the occasion.

      2. shahea +13

        My boyfriend nearly walked me out of Barnes & Noble because I kept drifting towards the display.

      3. apple_pi +9

        I think I am down to four editions, ONLY because I have started giving them to my kids.

        Wait, no, five, because I have the terrible movie-themed-covers edition because I NEEDED ONE I COULD WRITE IN.

        For super-important fanfiction writing purposes, obvs.

          2. SarcasticFringehead +5

            But not, you know, literally. Unless you’re into REALLY angsty fic, I guess, but that’s what Aragorn’s for.

  2. tubatoothpaste +28

    How does Darth Vader eat, ever? Only in his pod thing with his mask off? *mind blown*

          1. bumbleblu +2

            I have been carefully choosing my spirit animals and waiting and still nothing.

            But I will be ready.

  3. osutein +68

    As Ralph Wiggum so wisely pointed out, in that scene in The Departed, “the rat stands for obviousness.”

    I’d forgive the Legolas skateboarding thing if it hadn’t then gotten a callback in The Return of the King with Legolas SURFING THE TRUNK OF A GIANT ELEPHANT HE JUST MURDERED.

  4. tubatoothpaste +35

    Actually, can you share the Scorsese-ham-fists picture with us? I want to use it to troll my significant other when he starts going on about what a genius ol’ Marty is.

      1. tubatoothpaste +8

        Too late.
        The only possible defense for Hugo is that it’s supposed to be a kids’ movie and children are notoriously dense and need to be beaten over the head with concepts in order to grasp them? (j/k, HAMFISTS.JPG)

        1. osutein +18

          True, and man do kids ever go fuckin’ apeshit over the discovery of archival Georges Melies footage.

          I mean, the movie extensively used comedic dog reaction shots, which even the director of PAUL BLART: MALL COP thinks are hacky. Oh, also, WHY DOES SACHA BARON COHEN SPEAK IN A FRENCH ACCENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SPEAKS WITH A BRITISH ONE AND THEY ARE ALL FRENCH?!

          1. roboticaquatic +9

            THANK YOU THE ACCENT THING BOTHERED ME SO MUCH. The whole thing is a mess but that was was the last straw for me, I was just sitting there, arms crossed and grumbling after that point.

            When will we ever get over the whole “if it happened in the past, then they obviously have British accents” thing?

        2. EPWordsnatcher +2

          All the people I know who went crazy for that movie (adults, even!) saw it in 3D. I saw it in 2D and was whoa unimpressed. I SEE YOUR GAMES, HAMFISTS.

    2. SarcasticFringehead +12

      Plus he made Wolf of Wall Street, of which I hated every minute (and there were oh so many minutes of that movie)

  5. SarcasticFringehead +15

    Okay plus that Legolas skateboarding scene is like the scene in Holy Grail where the guy is running and they cut away and he’s back down the hill again. Those stairs did not take that long to slide down.

  7. tekkah +51

    I kind of love how Quentin Tarantino has to know by now that he is always, without fail, the absolute worst part of his own movies, and yet he still keeps right on with putting himself in them and giving himself speaking lines. Lots of them.

    1. shahea +18

      I figure that if I’m going to get paid truly hideous amounts of money to make my movies despite the fact that I shouldn’t even walk by a camera, let alone speak, and yet I keep doing it…. well, I’d keep doing it. In fact, I’d keep doing MORE of it just to see how much it will take before people stop giving me gobs of money to fulfill my 7th grade theater nerd delusions.

      I predict we will eventually have an entire movie of QT monologuing and it will STILL open at #1.

      1. tekkah +18

        What’s really unsettling is how he either doesn’t try at all or tries WAY TOO HARD to come up with an accent/character. He’s either “Oh god Quentin Tarantino just really wanted to say the n-word on film didn’t he, what is he doing?” or he’s all the way on the other end trying way too hard to “act” and you’re just sitting there going, “oh god Quentin Tarantino is trying to do an Australian accent, what is he doing?”

        1. shesascreamingsuffragette +4

          The entire continent of Australia is still waiting for our apology, Quentin.

  8. annecara +33

    That Legolas skateboarding scene was amazing, and my fifteen-year-old self and I will hear no arguments to the contrary.

  9. cuminafterall +39

    I see that you didn’t include any scenes from My Cousin Vinny, why not?

    Oh, that’s right, because My Cousin Vinny is IMMACULATE

    1. shahea +5

      Not that this has anything to do with anything, but her skin is so damned flawless and I feel compelled to hate her a little for it.

      1. Standard Tuber +5

        Australians. They lather on the SPF.
        Also I think* when you’re a “MOVIE STAR” you get access to the magic potions that they keep in the back rooms at the dermatologist’s office. Like, there’s the shelf of regular stuff for the plebes that makes your lips chap and poisons your blood, and then there’s the fancy shelf with the stuff that makes your hair glossy and your skin look cheesecloth-y.
        *I think…

  12. Zueignung +3

    The scene in “The Departed” is execrable, no doubt, but I love that “goodfellas” scene. I don’t think it has one obvious meaning, and it’s an homage to “The Great Train Robbery.”

  13. mattielubchansky +14

    REGARDING The Goodfellas scene being an homage to “the great train robbery”:

    I was talking to a movie buff pal about this while I was writing it and he TOLD ME about the great train robbery homage. And then I asked “okay, why is it in the movie then” and he said “oh, no reason!” SO

    Anyways I love goodfellas and Scorsese IN GENERAL so leave me alone with your precious facts

    1. mbculver +7

      I’ve only ever seen Goodfellas dubbed in French,and it was amazing. “Henry! Tu as l’air gangster!!” Don’t tell me all the nuances of the original script, because I just don’t care.

    2. Zueignung +16

      Ok, I’m sorry! Here’s not a fact, but my interpretation of it: that shot reflects the aestheticized, particularly cinematic (with the nod to cinematic history) glamour of Henry’s lost gangster life, what he wanted as far back as he could remember–a glamour that is synonymous with the movie’s (arguably) most violent character, who was born into the life and was killed by it. I love “Goodfellas” because I think it deconstructs “The Godfather” trilogy’s figuring of the mafia as a grand tragedy (which I also love), and explores the ugliness and pettiness behind its fetishization, the kind of pettiness Henry associates with suburban life. It also highlights the complicity of the movie industry (and Scorsese himself) in that fetishization of violence.

    1. elsamac +23

      In the imagination of the Ghostbusters writers, even in the eternity of the afterlife women are pleasure objects. So there’s something to look forward to!

      1. tjdubya +9

        And if you’re not an afterlife pleasure object you’re totally a lesbian or a misandry lovin’ feminazi ghost

    2. katzenklavierr +7

      If I was a ghost slut, Dan Ackroyd would not be my first choice of ghostbuster to blow (Egon>token black ghostbuster>Venkman)!

  15. JocastaCarr +29

    I love me some skateboarding Legolas. In fact, I really wish The Hobbit movies had continued the trend of scenes of Legolas surfing/skateboarding increasingly elaborate and dangerous things. He could’ve surfed Smaug in the last one, and it would have been glorious. GLORIOUS, I tell you.

    1. tekkah +7

      Well to be fair we DID get pirouetting ballerina Legolas in exchange for not seeing much skateboarding? I’m OK with it.

      5. sassysnail +9

        If we have dirtbag Legolas, I demand dirtbag dad Thranduil. Just, that head turn in that first movie. It is just fabulous, and I see where Legolas gets it from.

        1. msjinxie +3

          OMG I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT! Amazing and I have a new favorite thing on the internet <3 <3 <3

    3. osutein +42

      I’d love it if Mallory did a Dirtbag Lord of the Rings with lots of increasing ridiculous Legolas skateboarding scenes.

      1. JocastaCarr +37

        That would make me absurdly happy. And the last scene is Legolas skating down Mount Doom while it’s erupting, flipping Frodo and Sam the double bird as he glides past. I need this in my life.

      1. tubatoothpaste +10

        If it doesn’t have extreme sports in it, you have not made a good fantasy movie.

      2. EPWordsnatcher +32

        Goodness that movie was silly.

        LET’S KILL A DRAGON

        How, Thorin?

        WELL DRAGONS BREATHE FIRE SO PROBABLY SOME MOLTEN METAL OF SOME SORT.

        Sure, Thorin, that sounds swell and reasonable!

        YE GODS IT DIDN’T WORK WHAT HAVE WE DONE

          2. Goatse Fanfiction +8

            I saw this after a day of working in a foundry and was all OH WOW THEY’RE JUST GONNA HANG AROUND THAT APPARENTLY BAJILLION-DEGREE FLAME AND SIT IN THE TWO-THOUSAND DEGREE GOLD HUH

            oh don’t worry he’s fine so long as he’s sitting on that protective layer of SHEET METAL

        2. osutein +27

          Seriously want someone to make a YouTube cut of that scene with a cut to Dany Stormborn (after her brother gets an actual molten gold death) saying “Fire cannot kill a dragon” … and then a sad trombone sound.

  16. meganjm +19

    My contribution to this is the awkward massacre-intercut-with-Eric-Bana’s-climax scene in Munich.

    1. tubatoothpaste +2

      Oh god, I forgot about that. Although I’d be hesitant to call Munich “otherwise great”…

      1. meganjm +2

        Yeah, I thought about that as soon as I posted! I’ll save this for the “completely inappropriate scenes in otherwise blah movies” post.

        1. tubatoothpaste +5

          Definitely in the upper echelons of “incongruous and ill-advised sex scenes”

          1. ToTheIsLand +11

            I would like to also submit the “Watchmen” scene with Laurie and Dan in the Owlship for that list. It has Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” playing in the background throughout and some painfully on-the-nose timing of a flamethrower blast…

  17. mandarinmarie +29

    I know it’s first on your list and everything but FOR REAL, I think that Ghostbusters scene might be the most insane gap of bad scene to good movie ever created.

    1. mattielubchansky +8

      aha yeah! it was actually the impetus for the whole piece after a recent watch.

      1. Standard Tuber +5

        What about in Trading Places (another Aykroyd “film”) when things get all boobie up in the house party for no damn reason? There must have been a screenwriter in the 1980’s who was commissioned by Aykroyd to just find a spot in every movie he did to make it obnoxiously gross.

  18. rustyspatula +14

    The thing about the Vader Dinner Scene is that, as the “I am your father” thing has kind of passed into general cultural knowledge, it still catches people by surprise. I’ve had the privilege of watching Empire Strikes Back with a couple people seeing it for the first time, and nobody was that into the father reveal, but both gasped when the door shot upward to reveal Darth Vader.

  19. lostliddell +11

    Can we talk about the incredibly unnecessary tree molestation scene from The Evil Dead? I love that rest of that film to death, but nothing will ever adequately explain to me how the heck that got made in the first place, let alone how it somehow made it into the final product. What the heck, Sam Raimi.

  20. roboticaquatic +6

    I’m pretty sure that fight scene in They Live took more time than it took me to file my taxes this year. Yes, I probably filed my taxes wrong, but still.

    HOWEVER it is so delightful that despite having seen They Live a number of times I watched it back to back just now.

    “Either put on these glasses, or start eating that trash can.”
    “Not this year.”

    I MEAN. <3<3<3<3

  21. AH

    If we have dirtbag Legolas, I demand dirtbag dad Thranduil. Just, that head turn in that first movie. It is just fabulous, and I see where Legolas gets it from.

  22. brigidkeely +9

    The version of Ghostbusters that I grew up with and watched a million times was taped off the tv, so it lacked the ghost fellatio. The first time I saw an uncut version of Ghostbusters, that scene was JARRING. It felt SO incredibly out of place. Especially as earlier in the movie Venkman says a bunch of sexist stuff to the librarian and both she and the men call him on it.

    1. sofie_fatale +1

      omggg this was totally me the first time I saw Beetlejuice (a movie I watched ENDLESSLY as a kid) on a real VHS and/or DVD. the version I’d grown up with did NOT have Beetlejuice going “Nice fuckin’ model!” and honking his crotch.

  24. yrpretendfriend +20

    I’m gonna be honest and say that I watched the departed but couldn’t really tell the difference between mark wahlberg and ben affleck and whatever other brown haired white guys were in the movie so I was really confused the whole time. “Wait, why is he shooting him? What is he doing? Oh, he’s the other brown haired guy ok.”

  28. Alex +2

    The skateboarding bit in “The Two Towers” presages the continuous parade of cartoonishly stupid action scenes Peter Jackson used to pad “The Hobbit” out to the length of three movies when the book could easily have been adapted as a single feature film. (Hell, it HAS been adapted as a single feature film — and a live-action version using the animated film’s screenplay would have been a lot better than what we got.)

    Also, I would say that “They Live” has the greatest action one-liner of all time, rather than that it’s a good movie. It does have a nifty theme, one which is only more topical today than when it was made, but the actual film kind of sucks, do to the persistent awfulness of the scenes of which it’s composed.

  29. Allegro +2

    The Ghostbusters scene threw me too, until I watched it a few times a figured out that it was Ray Stantz dreaming (hence the next shot him falling out of the bed).