Hey you! Do you like movies? Have a couple you love? Great, have a seat. I’ve got some news. Movies are trapped here on Earth and made by us awful humans, and they’re all bad. Yeah. Even the good ones.
1. GHOSTBUSTERS (1984): DAN AKROYD HAS A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH A GHOST FOR SOME REASON
INT. Ghostbusters Writer’s Room
RICK MORANIS: Okay, so what do we have here?
HAROLD RAMIS: Well, my idea here is a montage, where we show the Ghostbusters’ business picking up after they capture the ghost in the hotel.
RICK: Alright, standard stuff. Casey Kasem mentions them on the countdown or whatever, you see their commercial on the tv-
DAN AKROYD: alright what if i’m asleep and a ghost sucks my dick
HAROLD: Wait, wh-
DAN: no no, stay with me here. Like, i’m snoozing, yeah? Fast asleep. And then WHAMMO, a ghost just undoes my belt, whoopsie-daisy, and goes to town and I make a “WAZOOO!!!” face or whatever, right at the camera
2. THE DEPARTED (2006): EVERYONE IS A RAT
Yeah, yeah. So the point of the movie is everyone is a big rat, right? Rats everywhere. They say the word “rat” 40 times a minute in this movie. So what if, after the final scene, a RAT just walked right in front of the camera! To stand in front of the Massachusetts state house? GET IT?! Great. I was going to put a photoshopped image of Marty Scorcese with hams for fists here, but I think that might be too subtle.
Oh, is that not your favorite Scorcese? Fine, it’s a little late in the game and it’s not his strongest. How about:
3. GOODFELLAS (1990): JOE PESCI SHOOTS YOU WITH METAPHORS
Henry Hill made it out alive right, but he’s really dead, you know? BLAMMO! Does Marty know how to end a movie? I’m worried.
And screw Sid Vicious and all, but that cover of “My Way” rules.
4. LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (2002): LEGOLAS INVENTS SKATEBOARDING
This is fine when Marty McFly does it because he is FROM SKATEBOARD TIMES. I’m not comfortable with the idea of such radical elves.
5. PULP FICTION (1994): QUENTIN TARANTINO GETS AN ENTIRE 120 SECONDS OF SCREEN-TIME
This actually might have been a merely outdated scene with a better actor? It’s got that soft ‘n comfortable dialogue cadence that makes Tarantino movies special. But it’s beautiful QT, begging for us to love him.
Every morning, Quentin cradles in his arms and kisses a little trophy he made himself that says “I SCREAMED THE N-WORD AT SAM JACKSON”
6. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980): VADER’S DINNER PARTY
how was he eating
7. THEY LIVE (1988): THE WHOLE DARN THING
They Live is a really extraordinary movie, in which it’s the greatest movie of all time and yet is composed of the worst scenes ever put on film. I love it .
Let’s go on a journey together, sheeple.
Either put on these glasses, or start eating that trash can.