The Secret “Ronbledore” Pages of Harry Potter Revealed By Court Order

by Mallory Ortberg · April 15, 2014

ronbledorePreviously in the Ronbledore saga: J.K. Rowling “regret[s] pairing Ron and Hermione together (because Ron is a time-traveling Dumbledore).”

J.K. Rowling has long attempted to downplay the existence of Ronbledore in early drafts of the Harry Potter books. A recent court order has released these never-before-seen drafts that have only been the stuff of legends. Until now.

“In OotP, Ron is nearly strangled by some purple wizard robes while cleaning up Grimmauld Place. Who do we know wears purple robes?”

“Where were you, Ron?” Harry asked. “We’ve got to finish cleaning up before the rest of the Order get back.”

“I’m not Dumbledore,” Ron said quickly. “I’m Ron. And we’re two different people, living in time normally, from back to front, as is our wizard custom.”

“I know,” said Harry. “I know that.”

Ron pulled the purple robes back over his head. “Just out of curiosity, what year is it and also what name do you typically use when referring to me?”

***

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are,” Dumbledore said, “far more than our abilities.” Harry tried to smile, nodded and turned to leave. “Thanks, Headmaster.”

“Help me,” came a frightened whisper from behind him. “I’m Ron.”

“What?”

“I said…” Dumbledore hesitated. “I said…” A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I said, ‘I love Tron.’ I love the movie Tron.”

“Right, then,” Harry said, and left the room.

“I’m Ron,” Dumbledore whispered after he’d gone.

***

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to travel through time and get trapped as Ronbledore.”

***

“In the last chapter of PS/SS, Dumbledore tells Harry that he lost his taste for Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans after eating a vomit flavored bean in his youth. There is one problem with this…Bertie Bott was born in 1935. While Dumbledore is over 150 years old, and for him, ‘youth’ is a relative term, he could not have possibly eaten a Bertie Bott Every Flavor Bean until the 1950′s, most likely even later, making him well over a hundred years old. Even in Dumbledore terms this is hardly his ‘youth’.”

Harry stepped into the Chamber of Secrets. There was a message written in blood.

BENGHAZI WIZARDS DID 9/11

“Ronbledore,” Harry gasped.

A voice emerged from the shadows. “Ronbledore is dead,” it said. “There is only Dumbleron.”

***

“Of course the CIA invented AIDs,” Ron said impatiently. “As a favor for the Trilateral Commission. Also, Hagrid doesn’t actually exist; he’s an advanced computer simulacrum that’s part of a government plan to eradicate native Latvians. But that’s not the point.” His face melted into a clock. “Oh, God. It’s already happening.”

***

Ron’s face appeared suddenly over Harry’s bed. “You’ve got to help me,” he whispered. “They’re coming. Or going. I’m not sure which. Maybe they’re already here.”

“Is it Azkaban you’re worried about?”

Ron shook his head. “Azkaban was a false flag operation. No, this is the Federal Reserve.”

“I don’t understand,” Harry said. Ron thrust a book with Protocols of the Elders of Gringotts written on the cover into Harry’s hands and hissed, “Read it underwater. Check the Clinton Body Count.” and then he was gone.

***

“Harry, you’ve got to listen to me,” Hermione pleaded. “We don’t have much time.”

“But I still don’t understand,” Harry said.

“Do I have to spell it out for you? Why is “Quidditch” an anagram for Ron Time Child? Why is Cho Chang an anagram for Weasley Time Prison? Why is Neville Longbottom the temporal opposite of Professor McGongall?”

“Is that why Neville and McGonagall are never in the same room together?”

“They’re always in the same room together. They’re never in the same time together.”

“Oh, my God,” Harry said.

“Then you see,” Hermione said in visible relief. “You see that Ron is Dumbledore.”

“Correction,” Ron said from behind her shoulder. Hermione screamed. “It’s the other way around, I’m afraid. Dumbledore…is me.”

***

“The only way to save your friend…is to follow him through the Ronble Door.”

***

“Mysterious thing, time. Powerful, and when meddled with, dangerous. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of the dark tower. You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen, and you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss. If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared. Three turns, should do it, I think…Oh, by the way. When in doubt, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin. Good luck.”

I have to go,” Ron said.

“Go turn into Dumbledore, you mean,” Harry said.

Ron turned white. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hello,” Dumbledore said cheerfully when he walked into the room five seconds later. “Did I miss anything?”

***

“Hermione, I can’t marry you,” Ron said. “Because I’m –”

“Because you’re a time-traveling Dumbledore,” Hermione said. “I know. I’ve always known.”

[Image via @darth]


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53 Comments

  1. Fluffernutter +114

    I see Nicole has given up on stating: “No really, THIS will be the last Harry Potter piece we run for the rest of the year!” And I’m so not complaining!

  2. safvn +105

    “Harry stepped into the Chamber of Secrets. There was a message written in blood.

    BENGHAZI WIZARDS DID 9/11″

    NOPE
    WE’RE DONE HERE
    let’s all go home The Toast has scaled the mountaintop of eloquence and wisdom and planted its flag firmly in the soil

  3. unshored +88

    “Is that why Neville and McGonagall are never in the same room together?”
    “They’re always in the same room together. They’re never in the same time together.”

    BRB revising the foundations of everything I know

  4. grandma_nancy +47

    I successfully read most of this piece without snort-laughing into my desk, but then I scrolled up and took a closer look at the picture.

  6. anninyn +38

    I can’t wait till this one attracts the same tone-deaf rabid fans as the last one did.

      1. anninyn +5

        Only a couple, but I do definitely recall a couple of ‘This is stupid what are you an idiot’ kind of things.

        1. leider_hosen +26

          Beautiful. I don’t know how people still maintain this level of aggressive crazy feelings about Harry Potter, but I admire their effort.

          1. anninyn +14

            They maintain it for so many things too! Once, on Mark Watches, a commenter said they were ‘shaking with rage’ and accused Mark of lying because Mark had forgetten he had a vague idea about a plot point in Buffy, and the commentor assumed that meant he was prejudiced against a character and there was some huge conspiracy.

            Even in my rabid fandom days I never quite managed that!

          2. Es_Petal +9

            I have just discovered MarkReads – the Diana Wynne Jones email list alerted me to his reading Deep Secret, and I am totally hooked, but most of the commenters terrify me.

          3. leider_hosen +3

            …dang. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, because I, too, have spent a lot of time on the internet, but still. Wow, no. Impressive!

  8. leider_hosen +9

    HELP I can’t get past that picture, what is HAPPENING?!!?!! Horrified laughter!

  12. rangiferina +55

    “The only way to save your friend…is to follow him through the Ronble Door.”

    …I almost screamed with laughter here. ALMOST.

  13. Sean_Sullivan +108

    4 Privet Drive
    August 13, 1994

    Dear Sirius,

    Things are the same as usual here. Dudley’s diet isn’t going too well. My aunt found him smuggling doughnuts into his room yesterday. They told him they’d have to cut his pocket money if he keeps doing it, so he got really angry and chucked his PlayStation out of the window. That’s a sort of computer thing you can play games on. Bit stupid, really, now he hasn’t even got Mega Mutilation Part 3 to take his mind off th

    Harry’s quill skipped. He glanced at the date, then stared at the words he’d just written. August of 1994? But the PlayStation wasn’t due out until December–and then only in Japan. Hell, Mega-Mutilation 2 wasn’t even in development yet!

    “You know an awful lot about industry timetables for a fourteen-year-old wizard,” said a whining, sibilant voice behind him.

    A pain flared up in Harry’s brow; pains, rather, an illimited mille-fueille of hurt, like a million scars overlain and freshly inflicted. And they knew their inflicter. They remembered his voice.

    “Voldudmort,” whispered Harry, and the quill snapped in his fingers.

    1. mollyculetheory +28

      (whispers) Why do you think I liked you in the first place. SingulaRon? is a prat. But Ronbledore… phwoar.

      1. dakimel +30

        Seriously – would anyone with all of Hermione’s excellence take a half-formed sprig of a wiz like Ron, unless she knew he held within him the complex facets of a warlock like Dumbledore?

  16. effablecardinal +32

    Honestly, I’m going through one of the worst periods of my life. One of the only things getting me through it is The Toast. Thank you for helping me smile, and sometimes laugh. 🙂

    1. niamhlovesbooks +6

      Hey, I’m the same. Hope you’re alright. I’m at a low ebb right now but Mallory’s pieces – especially Ronbledore – am keeping me together. That, and spreading the word of The Toast with an evangelical zeal!

      1. effablecardinal +6

        Hang in there! We – along with anyone else here going through a difficult time – will get through it. We’re all stronger than we think we are. It’ll be better soon. 🙂

        And yes, The Toast is the shit.

        1. niamhlovesbooks +6

          Thank you! I love this place, so many people seem to share my brain here. You are all awesome. 🙂

  17. Samk12345 +28

    “Sisterhood of the Time-Traveling Pants” featuring Ron/Dumbledore sounds like a good fanfic to me somebody make it happen

  19. laylapalooza +27

    Oh God I love this so hard. The picture. But also this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day: “Why is Cho Chang an anagram for Weasley Time Prison?”

    Wheels within wheels, mofos!

  20. Rosie +5

    The Ronble door
    Oh my god Mallory
    Snort-laughing on the bus right now
    Also that picture will haunt my nightmares

    Please don’t let Nicole stop you from posting more HP articles!

  21. Loony_Lovegood

    He also reminded us that the Denver Airport is EVIL. That is where they will hide, in the end times, when they resurrect Reagan and release the virus.

  25. cooperlewes +7

    I’m a little embarrassed by the amount of times that I had to reread Quidditch/Ron Time Child.