“According to the Phantom Time Hypothesis theory, the period between 614 AD and 911 AD didn’t exist; the history normally attributed to that time is either a misinterpretation or a deliberate falsification of the evidence. If this were true, Charlemagne (reigned 768-814) never existed and the year 2012 is actually 1715.”
Of course. Of course. The very fact that this possibility has never once occurred to me seems now to be the greatest argument in favor of its veracity. Childishly simple, yet profound. This explains everything, from the fact that “Charlemagne” is an anagram for “LOST TIME CHAP” to the inexplicable loss of 20 minutes in the middle of every Medieval Times floor show, when the whole room goes dark and every participant’s memory of the time immediately after the soup course until just before dessert becomes a throbbing, empty pulse.
“The idea was created in 1990 by a man called Heribert Illig and has since been developed by other German historians as well as conspiracy theorists.
- Arguments in favour of the theory are as follows: The apparent stagnation in the development of architecture, ceramics and thought as well as the lack of substantial documentary evidence – this is why the first part of this period is called the ‘Dark Ages’ – suggests this period simply didn’t exist.”
IF ADVANCED CERAMICS DO NOT EXIST;
YOU MUST ACKNOWLEDGE TIME-LAPSE SCHIST
- There is very little archaeological evidence which can be reliably dated to this period; our account is based on a quite limited number of written sources (which could be faked or just wrong).
[in a broad, period-inaccurate Cockney accent]
“S’it Wednesdai or Fursdai todai?”
“Neivver, luv. It’s 1191.”
“Wot, 1191 already and me thinkin’ it’s still Whitsuntide of 697?”
“697 never ‘appened, mate.”
“Never ‘appened! Then me ol’ dad must be long dead.”
“If ‘e ever existed, poppet.”
“Bless moi soul, bless it indeed.”
- The Pope introduced the new Gregorian calendar in 1582 to replace the Julian one, when it was 10 days out of sync. If the error had been building up since the introduction of the Julian calendar in 45 AD, it ought to have been 13 days out – so the intervening period must have been overstated by 300 years. Mainstream historians have a simple explanation, though: the purpose of the change was to bring the calendar into line with the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD, not with 45 AD – which accounts for the discrepancy.
“What shall I tell them, your Holiness?”
“Tell them…tell them it’s 1582.”
“My Lord, I –”
“TELL THEM THAT IT IS 1582, AND DEATH TO THE MAN WHO CLAIMS OTHERWISE. AM I NOT POPE CHARLEMAGNE TIMELORD?”
“Yes, my Lord.”
“Tell the people the next 300 days do not exist. I command them to ignore the next 300 sunsets.”
“But the people will drop dead of exhaustion in the fields –”
“What is one extra day of work?”
“But it is three hundred –”
“It is what, Cosimo?”
“I — it is but one day. As you say, my Lord, it is but one day of extra work. I obey you.”
“See to it that you do. See to it that you do, lest you find yourself on a Venetian time-ship this time yesterday afternoon.”
- Architect, astronomer, educator, philologist, folklorist, lawmaker, statesman – the range of achievements credited to Charlemagne is so great that it implies he is a mythical figure.
If Phantom Time Hypothesis holds up, who created the fake, and why? Perhaps the Holy Roman Emperor Otto III wanted to be on the throne at the time of the Millennium, 1000 ad, so he got chroniclers across Europe to invent and document an extra 300 years.
Illig’s followers face many difficulties of course: the theory has yet to explain how it would fit into the history of the world outside Europe, or into astronomical records, or into the tree-ring data.”
“Oh, and Cosimo?”
“Yes, my Dread Lord?”
“…Enlist the trees.”
Tags: conspiracy theories, crazy old maurice, i’m into hard sci-fi, the middle ages, time travel, travel
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I have always loved this theory, always. Mainly because it sounds like the sort of thing imagined by your perpetually-stoned third boyfriend, but ACTUAL HISTORIANS BELIEVE IT.
Well, actual ~discredited~ historians. My history minor is very sensitive to the way that word is used.
I would not be surprised if these actual historians are indeed perpetually-stoned third boyfriends.
I am an actual historian, in that I have read articles on the internet about history. That counts, right?
I only know as much about this as Wikipedia has told me but I was under the impression that they are “Actual Historians” in the same sense as creationists sometimes round up “Actual Scientists”
Just ask this scientician!
Yep, as a medievalist who starts spitting like a cat at the term “Dark Ages,” I have to object to the description “actual historians” as well.
Every medievalist I have ever known (many for some reason?? I am not anywhere near history) has gone way out of their way to spit like a cat at the term “Dark Ages.” I am deeply impressed by your consistency.
So will some of us early modernists-turned-modernists.
It’s like the winner of a contest to come up with the most absurd conspiracy theory nobody could ever really believe or, if they did, care about.
OK, ok, ‘actual’ historians.
.. it’s even more dramatic or fun : http://checkthis.com/humansareonly366yearsold
130 animals in the BIBLE are more evidence,
that Humans are only 366+x years old
http://checkthis.com/sohumansareonly365xyearsold
incl.
‘revised ‘nu|chronology’ of “language” vol.0005′,
incl. ‘nu|chronology’ of Hebrew/Hebraic,
only as old as //1650.4, //1650.6, //1650.8, //1653.0 etc.
(//1653.2, //1654.2)
incl. The ‘GREEK_OP’-platter etc.
– ‘updated mini ‘nu|chronology of mathématique’ etc.
#notallactualhistorians
happy 1717 everybody
BREAK OUT THE RUFFS AND DOUBLETS
eeehh, ruffs always make me look like a plate-swallowing bird. (HEY-O!)
I’ve always wanted one of those giant powdered wigs.
I can’t believe I have lived 36 years on this planet and never knew about this.
HAVE you lived 36 years tho
It’s even worse when you realize you’ve actually been alive for 336 years without knowing, because the Illuminati got tired of waiting for y2k so they added an extra 300 years to the date.
Oh, my god, is that why my memories of New Year’s Eve 1999 are kind of blurry?
No wonder I’m so goddamn tired all the time.
*puffs pipe* Has Es_Petal REALLY lived 36 years? Of course, that’s what mainstream historians would like you to believe — but if you look closely at their so-called evidence, it becomes clearer and clearer that something is amiss.
turns out it’s aliens who knew
Did middle school really happen, or was it just a long and complicated nightmare that I had one night during the summer between elementary school and high school?
I really want to see what the mainstream historians will have as so-called evidence of my existence. Because with the pink spotty pony and general shenanigans, it’ll be fairly shady.
Pfft, you mean LAMEstream historians amirite?!?
Sorry Es_Petal, the only way to be sure is to cut you in half and count the rings.
Well, if it’s for science…
So I’m working on a book, trying to actually do it right this time, plot things out, write character descriptions, etc., and then I see Mallory off-the-cuff come up with a fully realized hero for the ages like “POPE CHARLEMAGNE TIMELORD” and I want to just give up and flip burgers for the rest of my life, because what’s the point?
I call dibs on Pope Charlemagne Timelord for my DJ name.
Unless Mallory wants it of course, I would never stand in her way
nor could you
I mean, it’s just Occam’s razor at work.
NB I was on this train some months ago and it led me unto the Reptoid Illuminati Hollow Earth rabbit hole… so we must hope that’s the direction this #truthing is heading toward. #believe
It being 1717 certainly is the most believable hypothesis I’ve seen lately re: why conservatives keep trying to take away birth control access.
Ha! Yes.
The Toast is just making up the best fictional premises today. Now I want to write the novel that invents the reason for this calendarian chicanery, and how it was pulled off like some kind of time-heist.
What do you mean, “making up”? This is REAL, obviously. FACTS.
I would preorder that novel today!
[in a broad, period-inaccurate Cockney accent]
This section deserves to be re-enacted by Frank and Cyril of Slings and Arrows.
So what you’re saying is Charlemagne was a time traveler and therefore, according to Ortberg’s Doctrine of Sexual Orientation and Temporal Dislocation, became gay.
“Doctrine” implies that it’s something she invented, rather than a fact that she discovered. A more accurate name might be “Ortberg’s Law of Sexual Orientation and Temporal Dislocation.”
Good point!
As long as he only time-traveled once (and, of course, assuming he was straight to begin with), as it is my understanding that Ortberg’s Law dictates that the orientation of the traveler reverses with each temporal dislocation incident.
But if it is the year 1717 then isn’t every human on earth a time-traveler and thus now gay? Maybe the spectrum of sexual orientation is caused by the varying effects of time travel as it bounces off cosmic rays (obvs).
Ronblemagne?
I want to put the guy who came up with this in a room with whoever came up with the Maya calendar conspiracy theories, because if I’m not mistaken that calendar would have been developed during the very years that are alleged not to have happen. It would be the ultimate pseudoscience kook-off.
Also, how did they get the Chinese and Islamic worlds into line? Like, wasn’t the period that never existed the period of Muhammed and the early spread of Islam?
Yesterday afternoon I first read about this hypothesis. This morning I make random comment about this hypothesis in comments section. This afternoon this glorious piece of work appears. You are making my head spin Ortberg.
Mallory’s a time traveller. It’s how she can create such glorious work so fast.
“Charlemagne” is an anagram for “LOST TIME CHAP”
*mic drop*
This is the most REALEST and TRUEST explanation for ANYTHING EVER OF ALL TIME. I bet JK was inspired by the great Pope Charlemagne Timelord when writing Ronbledore.
To me, my Ronbledores! We go IN SEARCH OF LOST TIME
uuunnnggghghh *nerdgasm*
how did you know that I, a former French minor, would be hanging around here at just this moment? you are the best!
also, perhaps we should investigate THE PERSISTENCE OF MEMORY in light of these discoveries. why do we remember things that clearly have never happened, given this revelation? *rimshot*
The Empire Never Ended. This is, in reality, isomorphic to a theory propounded by your stoned third boyfriend’s (thanks, CBB, for that) favorite author, Phillip K. Dick.
I’d be delighted to know what Mallory makes, if anything, of Time Cube.
I think we already know:
IF ADVANCED CERAMICS DO NOT EXIST;
YOU MUST ACKNOWLEDGE TIME-LAPSE SCHIST
Oh man, the crazy only gets deeper. Here’s Cecil Adams on the Soviet version of the Phantom Time Hypothesis:
The Russocentric hypothesis, known as the New Chronology, is even bolder. Devised by the mathematician Anatoly Fomenko, a professor at the University of Moscow, and based on the ideas of the eccentric Bolshevik Nikolai Morozov, the New Chronology holds that everything we think we know about historical dating is wrong. Virtually all events associated with the ancients — the Greeks, the Romans, and everybody else — actually happened after the year we think of as 1000 AD.
Fomenko “also claims that Jesus lived in the 12th century A.D. and was crucified on Joshua’s Hill [in Istanbul]; that the Trojan war and the Crusades were the same historical event; and that Genghis Khan and the Mongols were actually Russians.”
This makes my brain hurt.
So really, it’s no wonder that the vast time-inventing conspiracy managed to pull the wool over my eyes for so long.
Oh come on I only just barely made sense of lysenkoism and now they’ve come out with a new version for time
That cats are actually dogs; that Neptune is actually a small village west of Odessa; that not only Ron but Raskolnikov are time-traveling Dumbledores
the Charlemagne anagram proves it but of course you know Heribert Illig is an anagram of I, Hitler Gerbil
that would cast some doubt on the enterprise to my way of thinking
Man, when both Ryan North (http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2608) & Mallory throw their weight behind a crazy hypothesis, I’m reallll tempted to espouse it.
As someone with two actual medieval history degrees, I am shocked and appalled that I have never heard of this.
Or wait! Wait! Maybe that just proves it’s true. They’ve been keeping it from me all along!
WAKE UP SHEEPLE
Is there a single conspiracy theory that would have less impact on the nature of the world?
The Crazy Old Maurice tag is one of the best things to happen to the Toast. Wake up, sheeple, indeed.
When Stephen Fry first told me about this I almost lost my friggin mind just thinking about it. Thanks for reminding me.
CHARLMBLEDORE
I just love the world and the sun is shining and the cat is skipping merrily down the street whistling a sea shanty, because that’s the kind of joy this piece inspires.
But if it is the year 1717 then isn't every human on earth a time-traveler and thus now gay? Maybe the spectrum of sexual orientation is caused by the varying effects of time travel as it bounces off cosmic rays (obvs).
“Illig’s followers face many difficulties of course: the theory has yet to explain how it would fit into the history of the world outside Europe…”
The Eurocentrism, it hurts.
So will some of us early modernists-turned-modernists.
#notallactualhistorians
Ronblemagne?