“Thanks so much for coming! Tonight was really fun! Drive careful! Be sure to get home safe.”
you go to hell
you’re not the boss of me
i’ll get home however i want
i hope i crash
“You’ve just got to meet [X.] You remind me so much of one another. You guys will love each other.”
i hate [X]
[X] is nothing like me, i bet
[X] is human garbage and im a masterpiece like a waterfall or a painting of a dragon
how dare you suggest we’re anything alike
when we probably aren’t
[said in an open, conversational, non-judgmental fashion] “Have you read [Book]?”
NO AND I NEVER WILL
[My cat looks at me]
i dont love you at all
“This was pretty good.”
HOW DARE YOU QUALIFY YOUR PRAISE FOR ME
YOU ARE AN UNLOVEABLE HACK AND I AM A DIRECT DESCENDENT OF THE SUN
THE DEEPEST FEARS YOU HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF, THE ONES THAT WAKE YOU IN YOUR BED AT NIGHT CHOKING IN FEAR, ARE TRUER THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD
“I know what you mean.”
no you don’t
“I don’t care where we go. Anywhere is fine.”
why do you even exist
“I think I’m in love with you.”
well if you’re not sure then why are you bothering me about it
“Hey, do you have a minute/can I ask you a quick question?”
NO
“Hey!”
NO
Tags: human interactions, relationships
amaze-town
😀 😀 😀
As much as I think this is glorious, it also looks to me like the dragon is using the toilet? The cliff-face stone waterfall toilet, but a toilet nonetheless.
HAHAHAHAHA I was also thinking “that dragon totally does 8-minute abs every day!”
oh no now i cant unsee a dragon going #2
I think that sheep is a hero-sheep, renowned in sheep legends and celebrated in sheep sagas. I want to read an entire series of books about her.
It’s fun to look at that picture as though the sheep is the main point, and the dragon is just elaborate set dressing, like “look, now The Sheep is in a place with dragons, but whatever.”
I feel like this picture must be some kind of psychological test, and I really want to know what it means that I want to be that sheep.
brb, tracing my lineage back to the sun.
Famous offspring of the sun:
Pasiphae (had sex with a bull, gave birth to the Minotaur, died in prison)
Phaedra (propositioned her step-son, falsely accused him of rape, committed suicide)
Phaeton (tried to drive the solar chariot, fell out of the sky)
Nothing terribly bad happened to Circe, though, and there’s something to be said for turning everyone you meet into a pig, I suppose.
Hell yeah there is. Oink, you motherfuckers, oink!
Plus more bacon.
Bootcamp coach, during a hard workout: “You got it, hugpunch! Almost there!”
hugpunch: “fuck off don’t look at me”
or
dog: *staring at me to let him out at o’dark thirty in the morning*
hugpunch: “i will roast you on the grill, i swear to g.”
(*disclaimer: would never roast my dog)
If threatening your dog with wholly excessive punishments you never intend to follow through on for minor transgressions is a crime, then LOCK ME UP. While we walk, I will tell her that I’m going to “get my GIT STICK and rough talk her” if she doesn’t act right. I have also told her I’d sell her to the rendering plant if she didn’t stop eating cat shit. And then she’d end up in dog food and be an unwilling participant in dog cannibalism. THIS DOES NOT STOP HER THOUGH.
I tell my dog often that if she weren’t so cute, she’d be either dead or in a different house. This statement is usually preceded by her wanting to come and in and out of the house every 2 minutes, or by barfing up goose poop.
My childhood cat was a gem, but he did occasionally claw the couch, and when he did, my dad used to threaten to dropkick the cat over the back fence.
I tell my horses I’m going to beat them all to death at least twice a week.
I frequently tell my mare how gorgeous and buttery-soft I think my buddy Jeremy’s horse-leather shoes are, and that she is worth more to me dead than alive. Then she behaves better and I smother her with kisses.
I just told my horse today that he’d better start paying attention or he’ll be REAL sorry; then I brushed him out and gave him a disgusting amount of alfalfa cubes while whispering sweet nothings in his ear.
I used to have a roommate who would periodically threaten to make his dog into a hat. “You wouldn’t even be a very good hat! Your fur is too short and not warm enough! But you know what you would be? You would be a SILENT hat.” (*dog, oblivious, continues making whatever annoying dog noise set this off*)
I routinely tell my cat that I’m going to cook and eat her. This does not stop her from incessantly begging for food and licking everything in sight like an ASSHOLE.
Me too! I have a song I sing her “Gonna cook a kitty cat, put her in a pan, heat and eat her when she’s nice and hot” and yet I am a vegetarian.
I can’t stand how great that song is. I keep giggling to myself at my desk, so, thank you.
<3
A friend of mine visited a town where a very common dog name translated to Soon-to-be-Mitts. My cat would only make one mitt, but I tell him I’m considering it because it’d be so warm and fluffy.
Ah yes, I too have made the Mittens Threat to my cat. (She’s a longhair, and new people meeting her always comment on how very, very soft her fur is. She would be excellent mittens.)
“I WILL SEND YOU TO THE GLUE FACTORY,” I say menacingly to my dog as she licks my face.
I have repeatedly told my dog, and I quote, “I swear to god, you fucking piece of shit dog, I’m going to punch you right in your stupid dog face”
*i have never punched her dog face
I frequently explain to my cat that she only cost ten dollars and I could get a different cat at any time. It has no noticeable effect on her behavior.
This thread is making me feel much better for frequently threatening to send my dog to live on the open prairie and for casually asking my husband, “Can you go murder the dog?” whenever he’s whining about something.
Haha when the dog is being a PITA, I always tell my husband, “YOUR dog is a pain in the ass.”
(Which is totally unfair because I spearheaded the Dog Project, but still satisfying to say.)
I am absolutely going to start suggesting that my husband go murder our (beloved, beautiful, perfectly charming except for those times she’s a PITA) dog.
One of my dogs has been convinced that Canadians eat dogs and that she is perfectly pan-sized by Canadian standards (they have very very big pans in Canada).
Are you perhaps a terrifying Canadian dog roaster?
I’m half Canadian, so our little dog could go in a pan, I suppose. The big one will have to go on the bbq, which will have its revenge for all the times he’s peed on its propane tank.
My cat regularly gets called a little whiny shit, but to be fair, he’s often one.
File HOW DARE YOU QUALIFY YOUR PRAISE FOR ME under things I have actually thought
My dad hates whenever anyone tells him “Have a good day.” HAAAATES it. “How DARE they command me to have a good day!” And he always responds with “I HOPE you do also!” as if to drive home that he will not ORDER them to have a good day.
I tell him this is a problem only because we don’t have the optative as a single case in English.
We have one friend who, if he is leaving a party and someone says, “See you soon!”, will soberly respond, “We can only hope.”
Jesus Christ, that’s funny.
Stealing this.
My boyfriend’s grandfather goes off on a mostly-incoherent rant anytime someone answers “Would you like some of this [whatever thing]?” with “I’m okay” or “I’m good, thanks.” Apparently the only acceptable answer is “No, thank you” because kids these days, or something.
He is 100% a crotchety old dude with a lot of Crotchety Old Dude Opinions about stuff literally no one else cares about, though.
OH my god my grandfather used to do this and I hated it so much. He would also tell you, “say when!” when he was pouring you a drink, and then not stop if you said “that’s enough,” or “stop now thanks,” no, you had to literally say “when”! and he would ruin your food for you by continuing to pour whatever it was until you figured it out (as a five year old). I guess it was funny to him?
I am always upset by this when I am having a bad day, and want to yell “NO I WILL NOT.”
I have to restrain the urge to snap at the Walgreens employees when they (are forced to) say “Be well!” at the end of a transaction. IF I WERE WELL I WOULDN’T BE AT THE PHARMACY.
“Can we talk about something?”
No. You are unworthy of my time. You are a worm. The truths I would speak would shatter you.
“I’d love to meet up!”
I would not. I would rather burn all your things.
“I like your hair.”
My hair is not for you. It is mine. Your feelings about my hair are akin to a corpse floating in the endless void of space,
“Your feelings about my hair are akin to a corpse floating in the endless void of space.”
LET’S BE FRIENDS.
Oh! Me too! Be friends with me, too!
I’ll happily be freinds!
Me too, please!
I love you.
Oh! Darl. You said you write things, personalized things, for moneys. Would those things potentially include children’s stories? For say the three year old market? (see where I’m going with this?)
hmmmm. Writing for kids is a very particular skill, but I’d be willing to TRY. No promises, though.
OK! I’ll have a think. Can you email me at iceberg dot hairpin at gmail? so I have your email when I have a moment to think?
“Can I ask you a quick question?”
JUST ASK THE QUESTION. JUST ASK THE QUESTION. JUST ASK THE QUESTION.
My dad usually says, “You just did” in response to this.
that’s worse
Completely true. However, it did teach me from a young age not to say it, so there’s that.
I do that, but only to annoying people and students. Then I say, “Oh, did you have another question?” Because I’m a jerk.
“Obviously, you’ve just done so. You may ask me one more thing, however.” – Ronbledore
sometimes I say some shit like “I have a question for you, but before I ask it let me preface it with some clarifying remarks so that you may use them as a basis for your answer” but only cause I am trying to get murdered
Let us clasp hands, my fellow preambler! My husband, who mistakenly thinks preambles are craven apologies rather than nuanced introductions to the subject at hand, gets visibly impatient during my preambles, which only means I go on longer.
You’re both going to a special hell. One where they torture you WITH THINGS THAT HAVE POINTS.
Nah, we’re awesome. No need for a preamble there.
But HERE’S A POINT ahahahahahahaha yswidt: if the preamble is a “Hey, I have a question, do you have a few minutes?,” you’re setting parameters on how long it will take and I’m on board; if it’s “Hey, I know [thing previously determined] but [reason this would be a reasonable exception],” you’re trying to preempt the obvious flat “No” and I’m also on board with it.
But if the preamble is just time-filling “Hey, hi, hello, I have questions, these are questions, there are questions coming,” I dislike that and cannot co-sign. Doubly so if someone leaves me a message/text/email to say “Hey, I have a question for you, get back to me,” because NO. Leave the question in the message/text/email; if you don’t, either you are a spaceshot who doesn’t understand how communication works or you actively want to gain an advantage by asking me on the spot.
I work with someone who will ask if it’s okay to send an email. “bookwormV, I was hoping to send you an email with a quick question later. Is that okay? Are you sure?” JUST SEND THE EMAIL.
How about the many people who send me an email then CALL ME TO MAKE SURE I GOT THE EMAIL. They get the SPECIAL place in hell.
I have a co-worker who sends me email and then not infrequently beats the email to my desk. Dude, if you are going to come talk to me, just come TALK to me. Don’t make me try to talk to you and read at the same time.
but if you leave out the preamble, they might give the wrong answer! I am not about to ask for someone’s opinion before carefully establishing what it is allowed to be.
[see also: ” I am going to ask you a question and the answer is going to be yes. Will you do something for me?” and then you refuse to tell them what the thing is until they first answer the question. correctly.]
Oh, my preamble is usually to establish the urgency/lack of urgency of a request or otherwise frame a discussion in its proper context.
I have, however, started framing news (not requests) for my mother, who otherwise often misses the point or tone, since our lives are so different. That might go something like “Hey, I have exciting news! I’m [thing she doesn’t understand]! Let me tell you what [thing she is unfamiliar with] means,” which means she gets to hear both what my news is and why it’s good, which I guess is a way of telling her what her opinion should be. AND I AM FINE WITH THAT.
I had not considered using this tactic with my mother. This will require some practice but I see it becomming very useful. Thank you for the insight.
I just mistakenly tried to upvote this twice, and couldn’t, so I wanted you to know that I reread it and liked it again.
You are consistently the best.
If you come across someone who doesn’t just turn around and walk the hell away at sixty seconds in, hang onto that person.
They will be the only one.
My supervisor (who appears noticeably reluctant to deal with anything complicated or requiring a lot of effort) always tries to cut me off mid-preamble. But he needs the information I’m trying to impart if he wants to deal with the issue!
My daughter often says, “Question” as a preamble to asking me something, and I always reply, “Answer,” because I’m That Annoying Mom, Jeez.
I’ve never met anyone else who does that! And I thought I was being so witty…
I also do this.
Yesterday I was watching Doctor Who and one of the Daleks said: “You told us to imagine…and we imagined your irrelevance.”
And I was DELIGHTED.
Sometimes I find my dog looking at me with… well, dog eyes, and all I can think is “WHY do you put so much PRESSURE on me” and then I feel awful. I mean, he’s more demanding than a plant, but still ranks *very* low in the demanding scale…
Responding with cooing condescension is the only way I know how to handle that situation.
“Oh my goodness, your life is so miserable, no one has ever fed you anything ever and this burrito I’m eating would be your very first meal”
“Oh gosh, those previous belly rubs were like two hours ago and there have been no belly rubs for like six hours and this burrito I’m eating is the only way to make the pain stop for you”
Hahaha yes! That is how I talk to my stupid loud cat basically always. “Oh, it’s been a whole 30 minutes since you last ate? That is truly terrible for you, I am so sorry that we are literally starving you to death.” Also I like to talk to her at length in gentle tones about how she is the stupidest cat that I have ever seen in my whole entire life.
We have a smart, anxious cat and her larger, permanently snuggle-seeking brother who picks on her. Most of the cooing he gets is about how much I know that he is a good-looking, charming asshat whose behavior would likely not be tolerated except for his adorable little ears.
Ahaha, yes, I do this too. Mine is usually to berate myself for being a monster. “Oh I know, why on earth would stop petting you? My heart is so cold and so dead! I’m so sorry you don’t know what love feels like! It’s not your fault I’m such a villain! Your life is so empty!” And then I give her 1/3 of my sandwich.
My dog is looking at me with Dog Eyes right now, the bitch.
https://twitter.com/dakimel/status/46449899929090…
In my grouchy defense, “You need to meet X, you remind me of one another” is usually code for “I know another person who wears fun glasses, too”
My knee-jerk reaction to that kind of thing is “Really? You think you know me? Because you don’t know me AT ALL. I am mysterious and unknowable and only I decide who resembles me.” Also applies to “you would like x book/movie/band/tv show.” Don’t tell me what I like.
“I understand you need to know a pale inferior version of me to sustain you while I am otherwise engaged, but I don’t need to meet it.
“We have a new grad student coming in January! Your interests overlap a lot and I think you’ll like each other” was, in retrospect, code for, “You are about to meet your academic archnemesis! Everyone will compare you to her and find you wanting. Then you will have to spend the rest of your career pretending to like her because you are in the same field.”
WELL GUESS WHAT I’M IN A DIFFERENT FIELD NOW HA HA HA GUESS I SHOWED YOU ALL. (I may have some lingering resentment.)
I always, always hate [x]. A surprising number of times it’s turned out to be “you’re a feminist! You’ll love meeting this bisexual woman who loudly objectifies women over dinner in a way she calls empowering.”
[please note that my objection is not to bisexuality, just the second part!]
“Oh, that looks delicious!”
fuck you
“Are you guys busy today?”
seriously, fuck you
“Any good plans for the weekend?”
fuck you straight to hell, why are you talking to me, human interaction is the poison that will eat through the heart of the universe and kill us all
“Any good plans for the weekend?”
yeah not giving one single fuck about you lot byeeee
“Any good plans for the weekend?”
“I’m probably just going to get drunk.”
And then they laugh like I’m joking?
People do the same thing to me. And I’m like…”okay, so I know I’m a funny person, but that thing I just said was not funny.”
Because seriously, if your idea of having a good time is not related to being somehow chemically altered 90% of the time, it’s best that we remain Not Friends.
It is a knowing laugh of recognition.
Not just a good plan, THE BEST PLAN
This is 1000% how I feel whenever strangers talk to me in public, ever, for any reason.
Comments on my food, be they positive or negative. I cannot abide them.
Srsly. Don’t passive-aggressively “share” it, and do not speak of it EVER.
Literally 75% of the time when I have had a job that involved phones:
[phone rings]
NO
(level of frustration that day impacts likelihood that NO will be verbalized)
My response to the phone ringing is usually “go away”.
I’m impressed it’s only 75% of the time, frankly. When I’m covering the reception desk at work, I have to really watch myself to make sure I’m not accidentally saying “jesus christ, WHAT” out loud every time the phone rings.
This is why we put “Thank you for calling [Company], how may I help you?” on a note in front of the reception phone, just to help out the people covering the desk* who are sorely tempted to speak a little less politely.
*me
My officemate left the company and so now I say those things out loud. Sometimes I forget to stop doing so when other people are nearby, so now I am the eccentric in the office. This suits me.
[phone rings]
WHAAAAT
[level of frustration indicates {how intently I was working/how crucial timing is to this segment of the videogame/how much my butt doesn’t want to leave the couch} when phone rang]
I actually did this to my boss once. He was not amused. Now I try to answer the phone very politely and happily while holding up two fingers (guess which ones).
ahahahahaha oh yeah, NO, I don’t say it into the phone. I say it to the phone when it rings, but before I answer/decide not to.
For a number of reasons, I let all outside calls at work go to voicemail. Occasionally, I’ve had people call my number and hang up without leaving a message, and repeat that process every fifteen minutes.
Me, to the ringing phone: “I am obviously not in the office today! Leave a message or stop calling!”
(If I haven’t picked up any of the seven times you’ve called today, I’m certainly not picking up the eighth time you call, because you are obviously cuckoo-bananas.)
YES. This drives me crazy. I work at a tiny museum/nonprofit and we all eat together in the dining room of the old house we work in. My office is in the kitchen, and we all laugh and roll our eyes when my phone rings 26 times in succession during the noon – 1pm hour. I mean, I am OBVIOUSLY at lunch, it’s 12:30.
Do any of them leave a message? Maybe one out of 50 leave a message. And then when they call back later they inevitably say, angrily, “I couldn’t get ahold of anyone earlier!”
I haven’t figured out the tactful way to tell them they are idiots and should never call a business during the lunch hour.
I ignore phone calls about 70% of the time. A guy from another organization I was working with on a project once called me while I was in yet another organization’s office. I ignored it, of course. (I use Google Voice to pretend that we’re having discussions by email instead of using voices!) Five minutes later, he called the guy sitting next to me and apparently mentioned that he’d left me a message.
Guy: “Oh, yeah, she’s actually sitting right here!”
Nooooooooooooooooo.
I worked at a job that was 100% phones, all day, for eight whole months.
Now I’m at a job where my phone rings once per quarter and I FREEZE WITH RAGE AND FURY HOW DARE THEY
You’d think I’d have like, gotten used to it? Nope I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND MEANS SORRY CAN’T HELP YOU
When I was 18 I got fired from a job because I jumped noticeably every time the phone rang. It was a very aggressive ring, I couldn’t help it.
“Oh, you’re a grad student, what do you study?”
The souls of the weak
What, other grad students?
I hate “You’ve just got to meet [X],” and I act similarly irrational when someone suggests I network with someone professionally. “Oh you should talk to [x] about your work. They could help you! They’d be a great contact.”
[X] will NEVER help me. I need no professional contacts ever. I never want to talk about my job to anyone.
[X] will NEVER help me and almost certainly lacks the capacity to do so; you are an amateur and a fraud for believing otherwise and should be cast into darkness for this mistake.
I fail to see any inappropriateness in these.
I hate people asking about how I slept. Like it’s okay if I’m a guest at your house and you want to know if your couch is lumpy, but it’s a weird question if you come to visit early or if you’re seeing me at work in the morning. Why the fuck do you care how I slept? It’s none of your business. Also fuck your “sweet dreams” (looking at you, college roommate)
Yeah, saying sweet dreams to anyone who isn’t a child or in a schmoopy romantic relationship with you is a big ol’ NO.
Same girl also said “yummy!’ every goddamn minute (one of my least favorite words) and spent hours on the phone in our room literally making kissing sounds at her boyfriend. You think it’s gross to hear people kiss in front of you, it’s so much weirder when you’re hearing/seeing it one-sided. JFC.
One of my ex-BFs would ask me that almost every morning. Seriously and for real it was a major factor in our break-up.
“You look great!”
why are you saying that NOW and not always? you’re allowed to say that always or never, and either works for me because i know i look great literally all of the time and do not need validation from the likes of you or anyone.
(during any workout class) “Keep it up!”
no. i’m quitting now, only because you said that. if you let me quietly go through this routine by myself in a room of people, i would’ve continued forever. but now you broke my concentration and i hate you and everything you’ve ever thought, done, or said.
I kind of need to be yelled at during a workout for motivation, because it fuels my rage and makes me do whatever we’re doing harder. And mentally I try to figure out how I’d pick up my instructor and throw her to the ground and pin her there, but they’re all jiu-jitsu MMA fighters, so they’d all kick my ass.
“Text me when you get home!”
No, when I get home I will sleep and you will not send out a search party, showing that you never really cared.
If I am even going home, which is none of your business. Why do you need to know where I am?
I find this tolerable from my mother and grandmother only.
(Except I always forget, and my mom knows I always forget, so she doesn’t actually worry, she just sends me an ‘ahem..’ email/text the next morning)
I guy I was dating once said this as I was leaving his house (at like 11 in the morning) and I straight up told him “Nope.”
My other half says this to me, but I do live a 5 hour drive away from him, so the likelihood of dying in a fiery crash is a bit higher than most.
I say this, but that’s because the distances driven to my relatively remote house are large. I do however get irrationally mad when they agree and then DON’T just text me ‘home safe. night.’ because I totally will stay up all night worrying and waiting for an acceptable time of the morning to check to make sure they’re not dead.
YOU DON’T KNOW ME
My favorite response is
“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom!”
And then storm out the room.
Me and my husband, both internally and to each other, like, every day:
OMG OMG I was just waiting for someone to say something about this. I want to say this to everyone 1000 times a day.
Hah, I also yell “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!” to people when they tell me to do stuff. Sometimes at my actual mom, which she thinks is hilarious.
I may or may not have gotten in trouble for using it in a meeting with a client.
I also like to yell “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” at my boss. (We are bros so it’s cool… I think.)
In all seriousness, I use “you’re not my real mom” a couple times a week, at least, with my SO.
Mine is “my dad’s not a phone! Happy birthday to the ground!”
>_>
But I am the sort of yout that thinks that calling up your mom and singing “Mother Lovers” is an acceptable Mother’s Day gift, so perhaps this is unsurprisingly.
Mallory’s Inner Dirtbag Monologue.
“Be safe” FUCK YOU I KNOW HOW TO COMMUTE ON A BIKE I DO THIS EVERY GODDAMN DAY
THIS IS WHY I’M NOT COMING HOME FOR OUR BIRTHDAY
BECAUSE YOU TELL ME TO BE SAFE WHEN I’M GOING TO WORK
(edited to add: i have a lot of emotions at my twin sister that are not entirely warranted)
“Keep your eye on the ball!”
I am going to rip your eye out of it’s fucking socket and staple it this goddamn ball if you fucking ever utter those words to me again.
My favorite is
“Fly safe!”
AS IF I HAVE ANY CONTROL
…OR DO I….??
Well, you know, if I neglect to say the Special Bittersweet Flight Safety Prayer at the beginning of any flight I’m on, it will of course explode in a fireball and fall out of the sky. But things might be different for you.
I am there with you in this matter.
Yuuuuup. Fly safe! Oh really is that what I should do? Should I not be on a plane that crashes in a fiery way? Because that’s not what I was already hoping for, thanks for reminding me that it is a possibility, definitely behave as though no one ever has any anxiety about flying, that’s working out really well for me right now.
Do a barrel roll!
OH OH OH So at this work everyone says good morning to you when you get to your desk and I HATE IT
shut up I haven’t even had breakfast yet I need to wolf down leftovers at my desk and stare at the internet for twenty minutes before I can even BEGIN to be human shut up shut up shut upppppppppppppp
“Do you wish me a good morning, [you can’t tell me what to do] or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not [I can say with utmost sincerity that I do not]; or that you feel good this morning [how nice for you. I hope you drown in your coffee.]; or that it is a morning to be good on [ you should know by now that I am never good when I don’t feel like it, and especially not to you]?”
Ugh, I have a coworker who insists on saying hi to me whenever she walks by my office, which is often, since my office is on her route to the bathroom. Not necessary! You don’t have to keep saying throughout the day! That’s enough greeting me now!
Uuuggh yes I have to walk past the secretary every morning when I get in and I wonder if we really, absolutely have to always say “good morning” to each other or….?
“Good morning!”
FUCK YOU TOO ASSHOLE
I feel like someday I will be part of a girl gang that surrounds and protects the High Priestess Mallory at all times, and when people say things like, “I think I’m in love with you,” to her, I will laugh and say, “You THINK?? Hahaha!” as I literally bounce them away from her with my bosoms.
Is that weird?
Is that weird?
Only because I asked how one would bounce someone away with one’s own bosoms, then pictured myself doing it and thought “… yeah, that would work pretttttty good.”
I shouldn’t have had that breast reduction. I just didn’t know what other use they served, until you told me!
My feelings when some Y chromosome life form tells me to smile
you go to hell
you’re not the boss of me
yes, this is all of us.
One unlucky guy, who I expect will not be telling strange women to smile for a long time yet, did that to me as we passed on the street just days after my dad died.
I wheeled around on him, leaning precariously close as I hemmed him into the little nook of the building beside which we both walked, and told him at some length why I wasn’t smiling, why it was not his business to make me smile, and how he should not presume that random women were ornaments to his commute rather than individual people with feelings and lives just as rich and varied as his own.
It felt really good, at a time when feeling good was pretty hard to come by.
BOWS DOWN TO YOU AS TO A GOD.
Also, sorry about that special hell comment, above. You are obviously a worthy creature and deserving of a paradise full of kittens and cocktails even if none of them have a point.
It’s one of the great regrets of my life that I developed the cheerful willingness to holler at “smile, beautiful!” types just around the time that I aged out of the “smile, beautiful” target demographic.
Now I want some sleeze to tell me to smile just so I can relay those sentiments to him.
I bet that if just one out of ten of us did it, the fuckin’ smile-sayers would start to think twice. GOD I HATE THE SMILE-SAYERS.
I do it, not probably less articulately and more swearily than you did. It is often ‘how the fuck do you know I’m not on my way to a funeral, motherfucker? Leave me the fuck alone and I’ll fucking scowl if I fucking want to.’
PREACH IT
The dude who once told me I’d get fat as I was walking round a horse show eating a cheeseburger may never speak again. I think he’s still sitting in a corner rocking and apologising.
That is too kind a fate for him; I admire your mercy.
This is perfect and beautiful. When I am having bad days (and I have had SEVERAL lately) and am walking around with my “don’t fuck with me” face on, I sometimes wish someone would dare tell me to smile.
JUST TRY IT, MOTHERFUCKER. I DARE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO WOMANKIND.
My wretched “niceness” training is so strong that I nearly always mechanically smile before the affront has actually reached my brain and by the time my true expression of rage and despair has surfaced he’s walked past me, happy in a world he believes to befull of smiley women who think being told to smile by men is great. I always told myself that one day, a guy would tell me to smile when something dreadful had happened and I would let him have it. Then, one day, I was walking around in the rain, slowly recovering from physical illness, unemployed, nowhere to live and recently bereaved. And it happened. A man told me to smile. It was the moment. It was perfect.
Reader, I fucking smiled.
I’ll smile as I carry your soul to hell!
I’m going to start using that one.
Anytime anyone (doesn’t matter who) recommends something to me, I think “YOU DON’T KNOW ME” and then refuse to investigate further. Without variance, it ends up being something that I love. See: Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights. (I can only thing of real-life television example apparently but it spans like everything – food, drink, media, people, art, everything.) Apparently lots of people know me. But the worst part is it takes me years to get past my you-don’t-know-me impulse. Like sometimes half a decade. Or more. Also I know I’m doing it and I can’t stop. Why am I like this.
“Triplets! You must have your hands full!”
*Nam style PTSD flashbacks to most recent child’s tantrum* *murder-glare*
For some reason I just could not parse this for a minute, and kept reading it as a command TO the triplets. WHY ARE YOUR HANDS EMPTY, TINY CHILDREN. WHY ARE YOU NOT BRINGING OFFERINGS FOR YOUR MOTHER.
I am stifling my laughter so hard that my stomach is in SERIOUS PAIN
Abs of steel
SHE IS YOUR MOTHER, YOU INGRATES. FILL YOUR HANDS WITH FLOWERS AND DRAWINGS AND ADULT BEVERAGES THAT YOU WILL THEN PLACE GENTLY AT HER SIDE BEFORE GOING OFF TO FILL YOUR HANDS WITH MORE THINGS FOR HER. YOUR MOM NEEDS A SANDWICH! NONE OF YOU IS GETTING HER A SANDWICH!
You deserve to be heaped with praise for every time you resist the urge to reply “NO SHIT”
My dad recently did a university project interviewing parents of triplets (of which he is also one) and one of the things he asked about was stupid things strangers say. “You’ve got your hands full” was a frequent offender. My mum had a particular hatred for the term “instant family”. (Best/worst: “We had triplets in my family! But they died“.)
Sometimes I find myself muttering “Phatic communication, phatic communication” under my breath to keep me from dismantling people’s patently unsound pleasantries with robotlike logic. Obviously, I am a delight to be around always.
“Do you have a minute?”
NOT FOR YOU
Not for the polar bears, either! (That was the big one on my grad school campus, for some reason. “Do you have a minute for polar bears?” They’d always waylay you at a crosswalk while the light was red, too. Eventually I grew perfectly comfortable saying, “Nope!” and then just standing there waiting for the light to change, obviously having a minute but refusing to spend it on them and their bears.)
Oh man, there’s one particular charity where they must have been instructed to try “different” phrases… which means I have been accosted by strangers in pink vests saying “Are you a nice person?”
“NOPE!” I cheerily reply, not even breaking my stride. It makes me feel AMAZING.
I have been known to say, “I have my entire life for the environment” to street donation requesters, because I work in environmental stuff and I know better places to put my money.
“Do you have a minute for polar bears?”
“No, but I own two Priuses!!” *strides merrily away*
Actual conversation with Mallory:
Me: “Hey do you want to go see [Pixar Movie]”
Mallory: “THAT’S A KID’S MOVIE. I’M NOT A KID. DO I LOOK LIKE A CHILD? I’M DRIVING THIS CAR, A CHILD COULDN’T *DRIVE* WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
It would make a cute Pixar Movie, though, if kids could drive….
This is also much how I respond when people are surprised I haven’t seen the latest Pixar/Disney/whatever movie.
I’m a 36 year old spinster – why would I have seen Frozen?
ITS A CROSSOVER HIT!
j/k No adult needs to watch Frozen.
I work for the Japanese government. My highest boss is the Minister for Foreign Affairs. He answers to the Prime Minister, who answers to the Emperor, whose authority is traditionally derived from Amaterasu-oomikami, the sun goddess.
So, while I am not a direct descedent of the Sun like the Emperor or Mallory, I am technically an employee of the Sun.
These are all totally appropriate!
…said by someone who is so innately contrary that she can’t see promos for So You Think You Can Dance without going ‘No I DON’T. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE’ at her TV.
“How’s work going these days?”
[FLAMES, FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE]
“What’s new with you?”
YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND TUMBLR. EVERYTHING NEW WITH ME HAS ALREADY BEEN POSTED OR IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
EXACTLY.
I had dinner with 2 friends recently who I hadn’t seen in maybe 6 months but we are extremely in touch on Twitter and Facebook. It took a full half hour for them to move past the stuff we already knew about each other.
Gosh, maybe you should try to take it easy?
You have to watch/read/try [X]! You’ll love it!
I have decided, this very instant, to hate it.
Oh man! This reminds me of my husband (I’m sure you would hate each other and immediately engage in a fist fight the second your eyes met). He also hates it when people* say “guess what!” as a precursor to sharing exciting news.
*by people I mean me:(
The cat one. I have been known to coo at the Witchess “I don’t even love you at all.”
We’re meant for each other.
This was pretty good.
*ducks frantically*
My Nan: “Drive safely”
My dad: “No! We’re going to crash!”
My Nan: “Don’t say that! Not even in jest!”
Every. Single. Time.
“Whatcha reading?”
I usually just flash the cover at them and get back to my business, but am completely seething inside.
YOU’RE INTERRUPTING ME
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO YOU
DO YOU WANT A FUCKING BOOK REPORT
I WAS READING THIS.
NOW I AM TALKING TO YOU.
TALKING IS NOT READING.
ONE IS CLEARLY BETTER AND IT IS NOT THE ONE THAT INVOLVES YOU.
UGH this happened at work today.
“Whatcha reading?”
[muttered] “Wolf Hall.”
“What?”
“Wolf. Hall.”
[pause]
“…is that the name of the author?”
Mallory, do you want to build a snowman?
*Statement about some thing or other*
“RIGHT?”
wrong
Now I’m racking my brain trying to remember if I said any of these thing yesterday. #paranoid
omg AMBER
i would NEVER
“Have you seen this Youtube video?”
#CAPSCAPSCAPS
My mom is my number one favorite human because she responds to “drive safely” with a booming “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.”
Or if I say “drive safe,” it’s “YOU CAN’T DRIVE A SAFE, [DAUGHTER]. Who raised you, anyway?”
This is how I got so magnificent and witty, yes.
My honorary mom always tells me to drive recklessly (OR IS IT WRECK-LESS-LY) and I like it every time. Maybe that’s just because I like her a lot.
Thank you, Mallory, for putting so much, into such words, for so many.
“I will get my one minute of small talk. And it will be CASUAL. And it will be AMICABLE.”
[My cat looks at me]
i dont love you at all
“But you love that cat!”
actually nope not in any way whatsoever
why do people even have cats these things are the goddamn worst
the absolute worst
I've been told "Oh, you always eat so HEALTHY!" YES BECAUSE I RESPECT MY BODY AND LIKE TO NOURISH IT RATHER THAN PACK IT FULL OF LEFTOVERS FROM THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
There was a thing on NPR this morning about how much more most people enjoy coffee if the person making it tells them all about the single-sourced fairly-traded beans and the guy who roasted them fresh that morning and about how it’ll be the greatest cup of coffee they ever had. I thought to myself, “You know, if someone said all of that to me, I would HATE their coffee, just out of spite.”
Not in Latin it isn't!
(That response really doesn't get me invited to parties very much though.)
“im a masterpiece like a waterfall or a painting of a dragon”
This will hang above my mantle. This will be on my headstone.
Also, when someone taps on my desk at work and asks “Do you have a minute?”
I HAVE A MILLION MINUTES AND NONE OF THEM ARE FOR YOU, YOU MISERABLE BLACK HOLE OF A PERSON.
I hate it when someone says, ‘I trust you will enjoy…’ It sounds like – and probably is – an instruction. Drives me crazy.
Ugh yes. Someone who regularly emails me says “Recall that…” and I’m like I KNOOOOOOOWWWWW I DID NOT FORGETTTTTT, nor have I ever given you reason to think I might have forgotten!!! “Recall that we had planned to see a movie.” “Recall that Christmas gifts should be sent to this location.” I AM CONSCIENTIOUS DAMNIT