How Lesbian Sex Works, in Haiku -The Toast

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Illustrator credit: Kelsey Beyer

Picture foreplay that
lasts longer than a few minutes.
Now, add crying.

Depending on Who You Ask, Scissoring Is
“Real, damn it!”
“Only happens in porn.”
“Something I once saw on South Park.”

I can’t give away
the secrets but will say it
involves dreamcatchers.

It’s like girl-girl porn,
but we don’t compliment
each other’s landing strips.

It’s like straight sex but
afterwards we ask each other
“We had sex, right?”

We don’t have sex, silly!
We just pet each other
‘til a man shows up.

It’s exactly like
straight sex, except our penises
glow in the dark.

A brief note about haiku. In the West, we associate haiku with poetry that is three lines, following a 5-7-5 syllable format. But Japanese haiku isn’t based on syllables. It’s based on onji, which are units of sound that don’t correlate with Western languages.

The Haiku Society of America (which is a thing that exists!) gives a pretty loose definition here:

The definition of haiku has been made more difficult by the fact that many uninformed persons have considered it to be a “form” like a sonnet or triolet (17 syllables divided 5, 7, and 5). That it is not simply a “form” is amply demonstrated by the fact that the Japanese differentiate haiku from senryu──a type of verse (or poem) that has exactly the same “form” as haiku but differs in content from it. Actually, there is no rigid “form” for Japanese haiku. Seventeen Japanese onji (sound-symbols) is the norm, but some 5% of “classical” haiku depart from it, and so do a still greater percentage of “modern” Japanese haiku. To the Japanese and to American haiku poets, it is the content and not the form alone that makes a haiku.

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