No really, what would
Tilda Swinton do? I am
super curious.

Are you real? Well, yes. Is it raining outside now? ...I'm in a basement.

*

The Dali show, from seven years ago, I missed. Can I still go now?

*

Who replaces your American flags? May I speak with them? URGENT.

*

  We close at five. If I arrive at five, when would I need to leave? Five.

*

I found a Miro in my attic. Can you buy…

Anna Pulley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here. 

Fifty Shades of Spay

Our heroine finds

herself enslaved by the CUTEST

tripod tabby.

*

Fifty Shades of Stay

Surprise! That “contract”

you signed was for a time-share

in Provincetown!

*

Fifty Shades of Gay

A bisexual

is born and no one questions

her identity.

*

…

Girl has sexual

awakening with teacher/

roommate/friend. Dies.

*

Girl has horrible,

traumatic past, present, and

future. Then she dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening with drug addict.

Drug addict dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening. Kills her

mother/lover for “funsies.”

*

…

Petite Red Head and Caliente Latina Roommates Surprise the Pizza Delivery Man

With a lecture on

how his employer should

compost pizza boxes.

*

Two Blondes Engage in Some Much-Sought-After Pussy Play

Susan and Chris knew

…

Where are all the real people?????

Open-minded,

non-judgmental girls only please!!!

No bisexuals.

*

Why is a good friend so hard to find??

We must free the

libido from orgasmic

tyranny! Namaste!

*

…

Picture foreplay that
lasts longer than a few minutes.
Now, add crying.

Have we met? The way
we navigate this far, tired
planet is the same