The play scene in Hamlet, 1897, Edwin Austin Abbey
hey so
how are you liking the play
are you noticing anything about it or something
Leda With the Swan, Hugó Poll
so how does this work exactly
Richard, duke of Gloucester, and the Lady Anne, 1896, Edwin Austin Abbey
hey
hi
so i know
i know you’re busy right now
i just wanted to ask you something
if you have a minute
about getting married
i’m sorry could this just
could this just possibly wait
until after my husband’s funeral
The Unequal Marriage, 1862, Vasili Pukirev
hooray we’re getting married
hooray
Wedding of Maria de Medici and Henry IV of France, 1600, Jacopo da Empoli
ahhhh we’re getting married
i’m going to get to look at your face like
all the time now
im so excited
no i’ll smile later we don’t have time for smiling right now
but i will
for sure
Tristan and Isolde Sharing the Potion, 1912, John William Waterhouse
okay just don’t even worry
like don’t even think about it okay
like i just want you to clear your mind and then drink from this cup
without thinking
one two three go
The End of the Song (Tristan and Isolde), 1902, Edmund Blair Leighton
do you think he suspects
whaaaat
no
we’re being so careful
i mean he’s right behind us
stroking his beard
he just likes that
he just likes the way his beard feels
you’re being paranoid
Who Is Sylvia? What Is She, That All the Swains Commend Her?, 1896, Edwin Austin Abbey
hey
hey over here
its me
idk if you can see me
im over here by the pillar
im the guy who’s looking at you a lot
oh you’re too good to look at me
is that it
come on just look over here for a second
i have a mustache
Romeo and Juliet, I forget who painted this
is this ok
yeah its fine
the kissing i mean
yeah youre good
you just don’t seem
you’re not smiling
or kissing me back or anything
yeah well
what can you do
Jealousy and Flirtation, 1874, Haynes King
ahh well i’m so glad you guys are getting along so great
this is so great now we can all be friends
instead of before
where he was just friends with me
now we can all be friends
at the same time
and that’s a good thing
Samson and Delilah, 1630s, Matthias Stom
no babe just go back to sleep
just keep sleeping
no one’s touching you or like
taking away parts of your body
you’re having a dream
Charlotte Corday, 1860, Paul-Jacques-Aimé Baudry
okay well
enjoy your bath
omg enjoy your blood bath
its a literal blood bath now
ugh i can’t believe no one alive was around to hear that
i’ll never have a chance to say that again
damn
La Belle Dame Sans Merci, 1901, Henry Meynell Rheam
oh my god
are you dying
are you okay
what should i do
how could this have happened to you, i wonder
this is so sad
La Belle Dame Sans Merci, 1926, Frank Cadogan Cowper
oh no you are dying
guess i’d better do my hair
Phaedra, 1860, Alexandre Cabanel
weve been here all day we have to go out
its too late to go out
my back hurts from lying down
well im not getting up, so
Soldatenscene, Albert Joseph Moore
what
Caritas Romana, 1538, Georg Pencz
WHAT
Tags: artwork, having fun at western art history’s expense, mallory captions western art history
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I HAVE A MUSTACHE.
That was my favorite, too.
That guy looks like James Franco to me. I’m not sure if there actually is a resemblance, but the thought popped into my head and now I can’t unsee it.
I see it!!
I think it might be more of a resemblance in terms of general philosophy than physical appearance
I LOVE YOU MALLORY
in all caps
that’s a lot of love.
what
*yoink*
I imagine that’s a very accurate portrayal of the models’ facial expressions.
……………………………………boop
what
who’s the sad lady in the background being left out of the nipple play?
French Wikipedia says that she is a seamstress or possibly a nursemaid, because apparently the nipple play is meant to symbolize that the pinch-ee is pregnant or recently gave birth. A larger/higher-res photo of the painting shows that there’s also a painting of a naked dude in the background.
English Wikipedia notes unhelpfully that “This painting is peculiarly biased toward left-handedness” as if that is what’s peculiar about it.
It’s true; I’m left-handed, and practically all I do is pinch nipples. Just pinch, pinch, pinch, all day long. The pay isn’t great, but it’s steady work.
‘I guess I’d better do my hair’
DYING. And I want her dress!
That is a case of BIG HAIR NO HEART if ever there was one.
YES, I’m so glad someone is on top of this.
I was just coming here to mention how much I want that dress.
Likewise, that dress is MAGNIFICENT.
Awesomesauce.
ugh i can’t believe no one alive was around to hear that
*dies laughing*
*dies laughing in a bath full of blood*
man I am such a sucker for old timey slice-of-life art that makes me realize people were always the same for time immemorial. I mean “Jealousy and Flirtation” looks like it could be happening today! Even down to the dude’s doofy haircut!
Makes me think of the Daisy/Ivy/footmen subplot.
“You’re a god right? You can turn into anything? Yeah, no, it’s…fine, I guess. Do your wings work?”
Dat poppy dress though.
There sure are a lot of ugly old men marrying young women in this one
By “this one” you mean “the entire history of time,” right?
Sadly, I do.
FUN FACTS: Leda and the Swan was so popular because swans have, essentially, a dick-shaped sex organ, and while the damn Church won’t let you display art of actual people fucking, you can make do with the allusion of some well-posed ladies and waterfowl.
The wikipedia article is quite entertaining/horrifying, and also links to the article for I Modi, my favorite book-I-checked-out-to-write-my-BA.
Oh.
OHHHHHH.
I always wondered how that worked. Now I kind of vaguely wish I didn’t know.
OMG totally using swans as oblique phallic imagery in all my future creative endeavors
The More You Know…
For other things you don’t want to know, have you guys seen the “true facts about ducks” video? I hold that it is the same for swans. http://ashow.zefrank.com/episodes/120
YOU CAN”T UNSEE IT!!! uh, that’s my warning
Do any paintings faithfully depict Marat’s nasty skin condition, the whole reason he was in the bath in the first place? It’s an important part of the story!
I’ve never seen one showing the gross skin condition. He usually just looks noble and corpse-level pale (of course).
Team Charlotte Corday
Rafael Sabatini offers a bit of a corrective in his literary treatment of the assassination. Tell us how you really feel, Rafael!
In a mean, brick-paved, ill-lighted, and almost unfurnished room of that house in the Rue de l’Ecole de Médecine, the People’s Friend is seated in a bath. It is no instinct of cleanliness he is obeying, for in all France there is no man more filthy in his person and his habits than this triumvir. His bath is medicated. The horrible, loathsome disease that corrodes his flesh demands these long immersions to quiet the gnawing pains which distract his active, restless mind. In these baths he can benumb the torment of the body with which he is encumbered…
In his bath, then, sat the People’s Friend on that July evening, immersed to the hips, his head swathed in a filthy turban, his emaciated body cased in a sleeveless waistcoat. He is fifty years of age, dying of consumption and other things, so that, did Charlotte but know it, there is no need to murder him. Disease and Death have marked him for their own, and grow impatient.
…sick burn, yo.
I wonder how long it took people to figure out that baths work better if your take all the clothes off first
The turban was soaked with vinegar to treat his blistered scalp. No clue about the waistcoat. Maybe Marat just felt fancy.
That horn/bugle is at Quite an angle.
The Phaedra one is SO EXACTLY the conversation they are plainly having. Hooray.
I recently got to go to the Louvre, and all I wanted while I was there (besides better air conditioning) was an audio tour narrated by Mallory. Or maybe written by Mallory and narrated by Two Monks. Whatever form this takes, please make it happen. I don’t know who you need to contact, like, the Louvre Foundation or something, but I need this next time I’m in Paris.
I would pay good money for this
can you imagine art museums around the world being taken over by females wearing headphones and cackling gleefully
SOMEONE CALL FRANCE
OMG I have actually dreamed of this before realising it was a possible thing that could happen
This is a series of podcasts waiting to happen. BRB calling Kickstarter (that’s how it works, right?)
Hamlet looks like a blonder 1970s Jimmy Page, and damn, that is a nice head of hair he’s got going on.
Ophelia looks like she’s thinking “I will not snap his neck, he is the prince. I will not snap his neck…”
This is seriously one of my most favorite series on the Toast. Mallory, may I humbly request, if you haven’t already done a post on this, a collection of art history’s most terrifying Christ children?
Yes yes yes! This is my most favourite gallery game.
Infant Christ or shrunken modern politician: a game to unnerve the whole family!
Best part is how the only women who are smiling are also doing something devious.
And is this true/false for the rest of Western Art?
Smiling women are, historically speaking, up to no good. It’s why the patriarchy keeps women down, for easy identification of devious and criminal inclinations.
“Good heavens, Charles, that woman over there is smiling. What do you suppose the matter is?”
“Well, it can’t be her lot in life. Our fine society has made damn sure of that. Officer, arrest that woman at once. She is up to no good.”
These days, though, what with advances in civil rights and healthcare whatnot, it’s getting harder and harder to tell when a woman is about to murder you or is just otherwise happy.
The Lady Anne’s mourning outfit is the most baller thing ever. (It was even better when I thought that was her hand holding the giant halberd or whatever behind her head, but it’s still awesome even if she’s not carrying an enormous weapon behind her towering headdress.)
That’s not her hand? I thought she was just a badass lady heading off to war to take care of Business!
but what about the MEN (kissing)???
I’d give ANYTHING to know more about that second-to-last painting. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!
I’m delurking! Look at me! This treatment is the only thing that makes much of this style of fine art appealing to me. So, thank you, for making me laugh. And for allowing me to excitedly point to the pictures and read the captions while I cackle.
I love this series but dislike the things it makes me find out like that painting is of a woman barf breastfeeding barf her barf father barf.
Ugggggh and of course a bunch of male artists were into that and made their own depictions. Adding this to the list of things I can never un-know.
This series, forever. Please and thanks.
I have no clue how to insert an image into a comment because I am an art historian and that’s how we roll, BUT can we just take a moment for this glorious painting? http://www.museumoflondonprints.com/image/138263/…
‘auugh my sweet-ass breeches’
no, sure, just walk right into my wet mop but I guess it’s my fault for being a woman in public
ALSO check out Artemisia Gentileschi’s ‘Judith Slaying Holofernes’ because it is possibly my favourite misandrist painting ever, in which she depicts herself as Judith murdering her rapist (Agostino Tassi) as Holofernes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Slaying_Holof…
Yo Holofernes, the problem we have is that we’re being overrun by your Assyrian men.
”Babe, not all men-”
DID YOU JUST
Oh, THANK YOU for that back story! (it’s sad though) I saw that painting in the Uffizi and knew there had to be some legit misandrist rage behind it…
Oh my god, that is just
Fuck yassss
That’s some tasty immortal revenge tho.
Fierce truth telling ladies in history making my face leak.
excellent. right up there with lolcats
ahh well i’m so glad you guys are getting along so great
this is so great now we can all be friends
instead of before
where he was just friends with me
now we can all be friends
at the same time
and that’s a good thing
ha ha haaa *throws self away*
I went to the Met this weekend and couldn’t look at any paintings without imagining Mallory captions and loling. The Toast has ruined all art museums for me. And by ruined I mean “vastly improved.”
I need this so much. I teach Art History and I mostly have to amuse myself.
OMG, I love the posts themselves, but the comments just add to the wonderfulness of it all!!