Jen Melchert last wrote for The Toast about perfidy.
Things you will need:
* Electric clippers, full-size or of the “personal area” variety
* Mirrors, lots of them
* A lot of time. More than that. Like, eleven times as long as that.
* Absolute solitude
* 2-8 cups of tea, depending on how many times you repeat step 4
So you’ve seen pictures of Natalie Dormer on the set of The Hunger Games on Tumblr, and you don’t have a full set of tactical gear but you’re pretty sure you can at least rock the hair. Good, you’re with me. Let’s get started.
1. Prepare your space. Lay a towel on the floor, remove all objects from the vanity that you don’t want covered in hair shrapnel, and put on a buttondown flannel which can be whisked off directly into the laundry at the end of this process. You know which towel and shirt these are. They live on the bottom shelf and remind you of every hair experiment you’ve ever undertaken, from the time you soaked your head in laundry bleach with Darla when you were eleven until now, when shaving just one side of your head suddenly seemed like a good idea.
2. You know hat bin of random hair stuff that you never use but can’t throw away? Get it out of the cardboard box in the back of the closet from the last time you moved and go through it for stuff that might be useful, like weird clips or pointed combs. Hey, is that a tube of neosporin?
3. Haul out your clippers, plug them in. Brush your hair while staring at your head in the mirror. Is this really a good idea? It will take forever to grow back. What if the side of your head is a funny shape?
4. Go make some tea. Drink it while patting your head, wondering if it will feel lighter after shaving the side.
Oh no, what if you shave the wrong side and everyone laughs at you? Don’t worry. People who don’t understand that Natalie Dormer’s hairstyle is now a legitimate sexual preference will laugh anyway. They’re not your real friends. You will grind them into the earth with the awesomeness of your hair.
5. Go look at Natalie Dormer on the internet again, but don’t bring your laptop into the bathroom. You’d never get all the hair out of your keyboard. For good measure, look at Skrillex, too, and then Cyndi Lauper.
Stand in front of the mirrors. It is time to do this. For real. Let’s go. Do it. Do it now.
6. Just start shaving.
7. Ha ha, just kidding. Better plan more first. Get some combs and use them to draw out the lines on your head, delineate the “shaving area”. Use clips and hair binders to tie the rest of the hair way over on the other side of your head. Once you turn on those clippers, no telling what will happen, and you don’t want to look like that time Sally DeLong put gum in your hair but you refused to get a pixie cut so your mom said “fine” and took a scissors to the gummed-up part.
8. You can get the lines a little straighter than that. Just that one tiny section, see? Pull those twenty hairs out of the clip but leave the rest. That didn’t quite work right, so take down that whole clip full of hair and rearrange it. Maybe the one next to it, too.
9. Now you’re really ready! Hold the clippers in your hand. Stare at them. Look in the mirror. Now back at the clippers. Take a deep breath, hold it, and push the power button.
Gosh, that’s loud! Maybe get another cup of tea.
10. At this point, your eyes might stray to the pink safety razor on the bathtub edge. Don’t try it. The razor is fine for armpits and sideburns in a steamy shower but it is no match for dense, powerful head hair. Just trust me on this one: Daisy razors are for daisies and your head is more like kudzu.
11. Try the safety razor anyway. There, you see? Didn’t work, did it? Now trust me. The best thing for the job is that little teeny shaver from Hammacher Schlemmer that didn’t work for the bikini area and was probably going to languish in the cabinet under the sink for another twenty years because it’s “perfectly good” and you can’t throw anything away and THANKS MOM for passing down those hoarder genes.
12. You want to shave up from the temple first, then progressively further back to cover the main area. Don’t worry just now about the bit around your ear, you can come back to it at the end after you get the edges straight. No, don’t — I said not to worry about that yet! Okay, so minor ear wounds can bleed quite a bit, but stick a little wad of tissue on that sucker and keep going. Don’t try to put Neosporin on it until after the bleeding stops.
13. When you get to the region that is more back-of-the-head than side-of-the-head, that’s when you’ll need a truly elaborate mirror set-up. If you have one of those “tri-fold” medicine cabinets, it will be easy, but if not, you’ll have to try hanging them on the walls, dragging in a full-length one and propping it up on the toilet, hanging one from the ceiling, anything to reflect the back of your head in a way you can see. If necessary, move to a new apartment with better mirrors in the bathroom.
Oh, sure, you could just ask a friend to come and help hold a mirror for you, but then they’ll think it would be helpful to take the clippers and shave your head for you and then you won’t be in absolute personal control of every single hair on your head, so obviously that’s right out as an option.
14. Getting a straight up-and-down line in the back is tricky, so take your time. Shave, like, five hairs at a time and don’t be scared to use a ruler for reference. Just be careful to stop and move your neck and shoulders frequently so they don’t lock up that way, because you’re already going to get a killer headache from all the anxiety and you don’t need postural distress on top of that.
15. After you’ve finished, and put your shirt in the laundry, and showered all the bits off itchy hair off your shoulders, and swept the bathroom twice, peer deep into the mirror some more. Compare it to Natalie Dormer’s perfect head. You look good! But you didn’t really shave a big enough section, did you? It could go just a little higher on top and further in the back, couldn’t it, or the hair is just going to sweep down over your ear and no one will ever see the shaved section.
16. Get out your supplies, lay down a towel, and get ready to shave at least another four square inches of your head. Should you really, though? Maybe this is extreme enough. But you want it to be perfect! Get a glass of wine and think about it.
Tags: advice, beauty, hair, jen melchert, natalie dormer
DIY?! Girl I made a hairdresser do mine. You are awesome & brave!
I made my hairdresser do mine too, but I maintain it myself
Oh me too, I shave it like every 2-3 days. Just knew I wouldn’t get that clean line myself!!!
Yeah, I’ve screwed up my line because my hand twitched. Gonna get the hairdresser to even it out and push the line up a couple of centimetres on my next visit.
Thanks!
DIY haircuts: like cutting, but with less bleeding!
oh
my
goodness
You just explained why I became unwholesomely fascinated with the challenge of cutting my own hair right around the time I gave up a destructive habit. Even in the grip of it, I thought my preoccupation was a little unreasonable, and now I know why.
Yeah, I sort of deliberately shifted to cutting and dyeing my hair as a somewhat healthier habit. It does not diminish my quality of life but lets me have the illusion of control over my body! Good for you for giving up a destructive habit.
icebergmama has Natalie Dormer hair?!?!?! 😀 😀 😀
Sorry to be weird, but I remember you from The Hairpin and I love all your stories of the babbies, and also I love non-babby-related comments, and I don’t know, even though I haven’t the foggiest idea what you look like, knowing you have Natalie Dormer hair fills me with affection and glee! YOU ARE THE COOLEST MAMA.
In short, I am A Fan.
I wish I had a job that would allow me to dye my hair purple. This is so awesome.
I work freelance, but my last in-office job let me have a little bit of pink or purple hair. The first time I wanted to do it, I didn’t tell my boss. When she breezed in the office just before lunch, saw it, and started making a face, I said, “oh my god, your hairdresser is the BEST! I went to her for these highlights and she did the greatest job!” It worked.
Ha! Brilliant!
Ughhhh I still have to grow out my…forelock, I guess? Is there a human word for it? And have my husband re-buzz the back of my head before lake vacay in a couple of weeks. GPOY looking ridic hot:
Your forelock rules.
Thanks! I love how I can just let it hang over my eye and still see fine. (Well, nearsighted-astigmatic fine.)
an excellent part of this picture is the ghost cat watching you through the door
Yes, I love that too!
I love your hair color! How can I replicate it, like, now?
I wish I knew! Got it done at a student salon, and sadly it’s all faded six weeks later. But I feel like this shade of burgundy is my real natural hair color.
I would just like to jump in here and say
1) this haircut is, in fact, the BEST haircut
and
2) with the exception maybe of shaving BOTH sides so that you have a super-long mohawk, which is the haircut that I have been wearing quite successfully for months now and have never been happier with.
(I am a dude, so that is worth being mindful of, however in my opinion this haircut is ideal for both men and women)
In high school I shaved both sides and called it my mullet-hawk. My mom wouldn’t let me put glue in my hair.
It is only a mullet if it’s short in the front! Otherwise, it is a MANE.
In my high school that might have been worse? Not sure, though. I never knew when I was being mocked.
you just got to start karate-chopping people, that’s how I got through high school
I’ve had this (or very similar) haircut for about a year now. Rakes in lots of compliments. I had no idea it was a thing.
So if you part to the right, do you shave the left side, or the right? Is it just a matter of preference, or does one side really look better? Like, I part right normally, but if I flip it over to the left, it has more volume, do this change anything? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I parted on the opposite side to my regular part because it gives the flip more volume. It also makes it easier the brush the hair over to cover it for job interviews and stuff.
That’s along the lines that I was thinking. Only problem now is that it’s actually cooler to wear all my hair up, so I rarely have it down, and have lost all skill at styling it down. It’s also so fine it may look really weird and thin if I did brush it to cover the shaved side.
When I put my hair up with teh undercut I do a side bun, or a high ponytail brushed tight so you can see the shaved bit.
like this
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oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd, please don’t let me get tipsy and break out the clippers tonight…
Don’t do it when tipsy or you’ll end up bald
BUT do do it on a whim, the best hair styles are done on a whim
So hot!
Thanks!
Stop being so hot, please. It’s distracting.
i’m sorry
I parted in the middle before this hairstyle, and picked a side to shave based on which side was easier to get at with the shaver.
I’m not going to lie, I am not a fan of this hairstyle because it reminds me of Skrillex and dubstep and all those other newfangled trend things I hate, and I also hate the Hunger Games because I’m a big ol’ bag of hate I guess, but you look ridiculously rad and so does Natalie Dormer.
Valid. And thanks!
I love this haircut, but cannot forgive the Hunger Games for its constant comma splices. SEMICOLONS ARE A THING, USE THEM, MS. COLLINS.
Audiobooks solve this problem and many others.
Aaaaaa, you look fab!
I have a client-facing job in a relatively conservative industry, so I’m not allowed to do anything really crazy with my hair; one of my great future job goals is to work in the sort of place I can do this and nobody will bat an eyelash.
Alternatively, if you feel like you haven’t shaved enough but you’re tired and you just want to go to bed because you started this project ten minutes before bedtime even though you knew it would take substantially longer, rest assured that every time you shave, you’ll catch just a little more hair and the line will migrate out, slowly but surely.
I mean, so I’ve heard.
Either that, or you’ll end up with this little fringe of partly-grown-out side bangs.
Uh, or so I have also heard.
(and I like your username!)
Thanks! (It’s actually a fish, but I figured it was appropriate with the sarcasm & the short hair)
This is a haircut that I’ve been considering, and I like the idea of being able to flip the hair back over to cover the shaved section for work and whatnot. HOWEVER, I am concerned that when I do flip the hair over, the part covering the shaved area will look limp and weird compared to the other side. Does anyone have pics of their undercut successfully hidden with not-weird-looking hair, or advice on how to pull this off?
I think it helps if you have naturally thick hair with a side part, because when I part it back to cover my shaved side just looks like normal hair
Natalie Dormer has done this! But she’s magic/has fancy hairstylists, so who knows if it’s possible for mortals?
Shaved scalp covered: http://media2.s-nbcnews.com/i/MSNBC/Components/Vi…
And revealed: http://mockingjay.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/…
Depends on hair type – I’ve got wild hair so it worked for me http://instagram.com/p/cU6XPtkpo3/ and http://instagram.com/p/cU6XPtkpo3/ (one day and the next) and my daughter has insanely thick straight hair and it worked for her http://instagram.com/p/fyax7hEpku/ and http://instagram.com/p/ft5nJEkpm2/
That said, when it’s really short it’s like velcro.
I like it but I was all excited for this to be a tutorial on shaving the front half instead of the side half, Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam style. it’s a good look. come on, young people, don’t make me start this trend myself.
Brush your hair while staring at your head in the mirror. Is this really a good idea?
Yeeeeah noooo, this is a stumbling block, this thinking thing. When I last shaved my head, which was long enough ago that A. I was living in a dorm and B. it was Not A Done Thing outside of punk circles, I just got sick of all the New England boarding school repression and suddenly decided to express that fury as only a teenager can: through a dramatic, unconsidered change of hairstyle. Fortunately/unfortunately, as a teenager I was not given to thinking things through: I just did it.
I had to shave without the benefit of wine but I did have the benefit of peer-pressure: nothing draws a crowd of sheltered WASPy upper-middle-class girls around you faster than the rallying cry “WHO WANTS TO WATCH ME SHAVE MY HEAD?”
It looked pretty great, even after I let it grow in a bit. However, the director of our school production of Streetcar Named Desire, who had to put me on as Blanche DuBois at the last minute when our Banche ran away from home*, was not too keen on it.
*Yeah, that boarding-school repression got to us all in different ways.
As someone who went to a new England boarding school and knew many Repressed people, 3 of whom shaved their heads I appreciate all of this.
My response was to become every more WASP-y looking while raining down what I at the time thought of as feminist hellfire. And drinking a lot of tea.
I cannot pull this hairstyle off myself, but I am extremely happy that this post made me go look up pictures of Natalie Dormer.
Ahh I’ve almost done this several times, but my roommates keep asking how it would grow out, and I’m not sure how to answer. So: how does it grow out? Is there a way to do that with minimum weird hair length discrepancy?
My plan for when I’m ready to grow it out is to just part it over that side for a while to cover it. Then I’ll probably cut the rest shorter eventually to meet it. I might at some point pay a professional to mess around with it. Or I might just shave the whole thing and start over.
I had this haircut, went a little shorter over time, then recently decided to go the “shave the whole thing and start over” route. Now I’m growing out a buzzcut and it’s a tiny bit awkward? Totally tempted to just keep the shaved head because growing it out is so bizarre…
KEEP IT! Totally shaved heads are so much fun! Or, if you can just wait a couple of weeks, it’ll look awesome instead of awkward.
I shaved my head in March and again in April because it looked so weird with about three and a half weeks’ growth. The second time I powered through and now I have the most adorable buzzcut ever. I’m going to keep it this way for a while–we have clippers at home, and DIY haircuts are right at my favorite price point. Put on the #7 guard and go. Get spouse to inspect the back and tidy up any remaining shaggy bits. Repeat as needed. Love it.
I’m now almost 10 months after the last time I shaved my hair and I can promise you *it’s not that bad!* I went all the way from my forehead to my neck, so there was a time when I had a tiny mullet in the back that I chopped off, but otherwise I used a lot of side braids and rockabilly-style bandanna headbands. Also, once it was long enough I just started pinning it back and you can barely notice.
Now go, do, release your inner [insert favorite celb with an undercut]!
I cope with it by having naturally ridic hair, so odd short bits poking through doesn’t make much of a difference!
I couldn’t pull this off, but everyone here looks amazing!!
I did this a few weeks ago and this post is just too real for me. The only advice I can add: put your tea in a travel mug so it won’t get bits of hair in it. I didn’t do this and it’s the only regret I’ve had about this whole shaving-a-third-of-my-head thing.
Good point. Toastfriends, take heed!
The hair looks just like the hair of a whole bunch of other people I’ve seen recently. Such a copy cat.
Also, whomever gave you/allowed you to steal that necklace has excellent taste in jewelery.
noooooooooooo, I did it in a FASHION VACUUM!
Did you give me that necklace? I love that thing, it makes me so happy! OH WAIT I remember now, I stole it when we were cleaning your room that one time, right?
A fashion vacuum, just like everyone else.
All the things you have spirited away from my home over the last 9 years have left during a cleaning spree. Look into your heart. You know this to be true.
*looks in my heart*
*finds some pirate nail polish I stole during a cleaning spree*
I guess you’re right.
I wish I had this when I was 19 and tried to do an undercut (on the back of my head) with A. Nail. Scissors
That is an impressive adventure you had there!
Rofl I <3 you Jen
<3 you too!!
*looks in my heart*
*finds some pirate nail polish I stole during a cleaning spree*
I guess you're right.
That is an impressive adventure you had there!
<3 you too!!
*highfive*, you badass, sexy, purple-haired beast!
^5 😀
^5 😀
Jen, you are one of a kind. The best.
One of my all-time favorite Toast pieces. <3!