A Grounded Goth Teen Angrily Renames Household Items

by Mallory Ortberg · August 20, 2014

gothIt’s not a bathroom, it’s a PISS GRAVEYARD.

They’re not pants, they’re an ASS CAGE.

It’s not a vacuum cleaner, it’s a CHOKING ROBOT.

It’s not an alarm clock, it’s the METAL AWAKENING.

It’s not a door, it’s a WALL COFFIN.

It’s not a freezer, it’s a DINNER SARCOPHAGUS.

Those aren’t stairs, that’s a MUTILATED FLOOR.

That’s not a toothbrush, it’s a MOUTH INVADER.

That’s not a phone, it’s a VOICE PRISON.

That’s not a teakettle, that’s the LEAF COMMUNION.

That’s not a spice rack, that’s a FLAVOR CATACOMB.

Those aren’t Band-Aids, they’re SKIN LIES.

That’s not a sink, that’s a PIPE VOMITORIUM.

That’s not a comb, that’s a HAIR PIERCER.

That’s not a duvet, that’s a TAXIDERMIED BLANKET.

That’s not a litter box, it’s CAT SHIT JAIL.

They’re not boots, they’re FOOT CORSETS.

That cat isn’t fixed, he’s INTO HARDCORE CASTRATION BODY MODS.

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42 Comments

    3. thewildland +15

      YEP, totally came down here just to say that this is like a beautiful, eternally pissed-off Tom Haverfoods and I love iiittttt

  5. deleted3602194 +27

    I’ve always thought of dentists as mouth invaders, and called them as such in one of my teenaged English essays.

  6. Hth +26

    I own a FLAVOR CATACOMB, and I have never been happier!

    Maybe the suburbs won’t be so bad after all.

  8. superscones +12

    I’m going to try really hard to use “FLAVOR CATACOMB” in normal conversation today.

  10. anninyn +108

    I take this opportunity to show you 18 year old goth me

    (I am still a goth, but a little more relaxed about it now)

    15 year old goth me was totally this teen

    3. katiemcgillicuddy +42

      While I’ve never been goth myself (I could never pull it off) I am jealous of everything happening in that picture. I mean, the hair alone. You rock that shit.

    4. radventuretime +32

      My mom didn’t let me shop at Hot Topic because she DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ME so my 14 year old goth self is totally going to write a poem about how jealous I am of your outfit, and then place it between the pages of her copy of Johnny The Homicidal Maniac to use as a bookmark.

  11. WriteOn +6

    I won’t live in your microwave oven world any longer Mallory! You have carpet on your heart!

  13. SarahDances +144

    I was recently at a restaurant where they offered creme brulee under the name FIRE PUDDING.

  14. catrontgen +77

    it’s a stunning coincidence that tonight I debut my all-lesbian german noise band, Katzescheisse Gefängnis

  17. CleverManka +10

    I had no idea angry teen goths were so awesome. If I’d known, I might have had one of my own.

  18. desperica +13

    It’s like you wrote this from inside my teen-goth bedroom. If I knew how to post pictures in the comments, I would do so. Instead, just picture a slender teen, who is 95% hair and red lipstick, standing in front of a wall of posters, pouting and wringing her hands.

  24. maccrocodile +76

    From my friend, who is reading over my shoulder:

    “It’s not a toaster, it’s a BREAD CREMATORIUM.”

  28. yrosemoonartandshit +5

    I’M DYINGGGG-

    CAT SHIT JAIL

    SKIN LIES

    SKIN LIES……

    LEAF COMMUNICATION-

    I–

    I’M DYING

    LIKE

    I THINK I WOULD TALK TO MY TEA LEAVES

    BUT LIEK
    D KDFK GFOGJ;CGXGL;KL;FH

    i meant…. but i don’t like tea….. tea……….. bleh……

    also nice pic-

  30. EasterSundae +2

    This is hilarious. Each of those re-names could also be band names. “Tonight at Club 44, it’s Choking Robot, with Ass Cage and Mouth Invader.”