Listen, as a father of daughters, I’m really against this kind of behavior, this kind of treatment of women. The kind where they get hurt or they can’t vote or we don’t give any money to them. You know the kind I’m talking about. The kind I don’t want my daughters to experience, and then I just sort of extrapolate out from there.
It didn’t always used to be this way. I used to only have sons. Things sure were different then. How merrily I used to drive down country lanes in my old Ford, periodically dodging off-road to mow down female pedestrians (you must remember I had no daughters then). Was what I did wrong? How was I to know? I had no daughters to think of.
Before I had daughters — Stimothy and Atalanta are truly the apples of my eye — I would follow women into voting booths and knock their hands away from the lever whenever they tried to engage in the democratic process. Who knew having daughters would change all that? Not I.
Personally, now that I have daughters, I don’t think anyone should do bad things to women, especially the ones who are my daughters. I think we should treat every woman in the world like she was my daughter, except for my wife and my mother, who I will treat slightly differently.
Did you know that when you have daughters, it’s like making a woman you have to care about out of parts of your own body? Well, it’s true. Now that I have daughters (two of them, to the best of my knowledge), I’ve got all sorts of new ideas about how to treat women. Now that I’ve got daughters, it’s time for the whole world to make some changes.
I’m not proud to admit this, but before I had daughters, I sometimes used to harvest women for their organs to build Liver Pyramids in my backyard. I just didn’t see a problem with it. I sure do now, though. What if someone killed my daughters just to make a pyramid, or even a ziggurat, out of women’s internal organs in their backyard? I sure wouldn’t like that at all. They’re my daughters!
Boy oh boy, do I regret all the women I paid an illegal sub-minimum wage to, then cannibalized before I had daughters. If I could take that back, you can sure bet I would.
Before, I wasn’t sure what women were. I’m not a scientist. Who was to say they weren’t holographic projections sent to fool me by some sort of evil demon? But now I know what women are: different versions of my daughters, running around the planet in all sorts of different faces and hairstyles. If every woman in the world is sort of like my daughter, then that makes me everyone’s dad, sort of. And we should all be nice to my daughters.
After all, I’m their father.
[Joke inspiration to @thebestjasmine, who truly is the best Jasmine]
Tags: as a father, family, women
Definitely naming my future daughter Stimothy now. But since she’s my future daughter and I don’t have any daughters yet, I obviously can’t read the rest of this piece or respect your opinion. See you in a few years when I have daughters.
I know a real live Trevin. (male)
Stimothy.
Lost it at Liver Pyramids.
Mallory, oh my God, Liver Pyramids.
is that not what you’re supposed to do to women
Well, I don’t have any daughters, so I really don’t see the problem with liver pyramids. Until I have daughters or someone with daughters explains to me why it’s wrong, I’m just going to keep on making liver pyramids.
I have plans for a dome of kidneys, but that’s going to take a while.
well, ziggurats are more traditional, if that’s what you’re asking
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m totally on board with ziggurats.
This is AMERICA, Mallory. We build fucking obelisks out of the livers here, get it straight.
OR EVEN ZIGGURATS
Choked on my gum at liver pyramids.
Please tell me “Atalanta” is a Numenor joke. Please please please.
it’s a greek mythology joke
Well, now I have learned something today!
Atalanta had a real jerk for a father, so I’d hate to think what he was like before he had her
“apple of my eye” I GOT THIS REFERENCE
“Atalanta Corporation is a multi- national food importer specializing in meat, cheese, groceries, fruit juice concentrates and fish products from around the world.”
That’s not specializing, Atalanta Corporation!
Everything I know about Atalanta I learned from Marlo Thomas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuyRi2yWWSQ
<3
THIS IS WHAT I WAS THINKING
I just copyedited a YA novel with a main character named Atalanta. It was marvelous.
Sometimes you’re a father to some daughters, but you wish they were more protected and less able to make independent (I.e. wrong) choices, and you’d like to enlist the government in helping you to do so :http://feministing.com/2014/09/11/missouri-lawmaker-sues-to-deny-his-daughters-birth-control-access/
Because Dads know best what is good for their daughters. The mom who helped her daughter though- she goes to jail.
This is so puzzling. If this guy’s beliefs are so right and so strong and he’s a great father who imparted his daughters with these beliefs, why would they even consider taking the evil, evil birth control?
Because you can never not browbeat other people into total submission until they’re dead inside, I guess.
Freedom!
is this like a sequel to the dirtbag timetravelers story
“I think we should treat every woman in the world like she was my daughter.”
From now on, whenever a woman needs a lift home from choir practice, or someone to test her on her spellings, I’ll be there. I will let the women of the world have pizza for supper while my wife’s away. I will ask every woman in the world why they’re not thinking about law school, and tell them that if they ever have a boyfriend, I’ll chase him away from the house with my shotgun, but in a jokey way, because they know I don’t have a shotgun.
BRB, telling all the women in the world how much I love Steely Dan
Okay, this is a years old comment, but it still just made me burst out laughing for a good 5 minutes. Cheers dear.
A joke repeated long after it becomes clear there will never be a boyfriend, in an increasingly disappointed manner.
Wasn’t this a Russ Douthat column?
Clearly plagiarisms; Have read this exact article hundreds of times
I think you are a liar
what are women? we just don’t know.
We can’t know. That knowledge is simply not accessible to True Human Beings.
Let’s Talk Women!
Even more fun to read if you say it in Peter Serafinowicz voice ala Look Around You.
My love for the Toast is similar to my love for Tom Hiddleston. Just when I think I can’t love them any more than I already do, something comes along to prove me wrong.
YEP
In fact I am a holographic projection sent to fool men by some sort of evil demon. How did you know??
How strange, the byline says Mallory and not Gripyfish’s Dad; maybe a typo?
oh, wait, having daughters has to this point provoked no changes in his behavior, alas.
This was frighteningly reminiscent of the critical thinking involved in most arguments with my late father, too. Yikes.
A few months ago, my dad wrote a thing about how he was shocked (shocked!) by the fact there are states where one could be fired for being LGBT, this is completely new information.
I should’ve mentioned he’s got a daughter who lives in one of them.
Be careful of your liver then.
I don’t have daughters but I do have a female cat, so I’m going to treat all women like they were my cat. “Who’s a stupid pretty baby? Who’s hungry? Who doesn’t know how to convey what she wants but won’t stop meowing at me incessantly? Who hates moving apartments? It’s you!” and then scratch them under the chin.
YES. BRB telling all women that they are the smartest prettiest softest little fuzzy boo-boo except why are their butts so stanky like how do you even fit all that stink into such a tiny precious package, ew stop licking my leg you’re gross.
Aaaaand this is exactly why I cannot hang with people calling their pets “my children”.
& I thought *I* was the only one who crooned lovingly to my cat how stuuuupid she is; “Pwecious widdle stuuuuupid cat!”
Oooh I just love you so much YOU ASSHOLE YOU POOPED IN MY SHOE! Yup, this scans, legit.
I mean I used to go around castrating all Men willy-nilly until I had sons, so I kind of get this guy’s point.
I am sorely tempted to create new accounts just to thumbs-up this comment some more.
Related: Does the term willy-nilly actually refer to castration? Like, nil on the willies? o.0
Nope! Comes from will he, nill he, i.e. whether you will it so or not.
DARN. But also, yay knowledge! Thank you!
Sure, technically, but we all know the other is the better explanation.
I think “will he, nill he” may come from “nolens volens” in Latin, meaning “unwilling or willing”. V was pronounced W.
Thank you for that. Now I have to wipe up the coffee I just spit all over my keyboard.
One cool way to try caring about the experience of another person is to create another person
This is basically the best thing ever.
I mean, I laughed but I also D:
Related: Does the term willy-nilly actually refer to castration? Like, nil on the willies? o.0
I love how firmly this piece clarifies how daughters are the only women who count, because this is always something I’ve wondered about. But this makes it obvious. Wives and mothers aren’t women! They give up that title when they marry/give birth to a man. In fact, they become imperceptible as soon as they associate themselves with a man in this way, which is why a man obviously can’t learn anything from wives or mothers. Only once a man has put his own genetic material into the making of a woman can he begin to perceive her and her place in the world.
Like, you obviously wouldn’t make a liver pyramid with a liver you were responsible for creating. That’s just wasteful.
Of course wives & mothers aren’t people! That’s why they are legally obligated to take their father’s/husband’s last name. I mean, that’s why there’s all the pushback for at least 40 years over the every idea of a woman keeping her own name (excuse me, the name she got form her father) when she marries!
I refuse to take down my Liver Pyramids made of men’s livers until I have sons and I will never have sons so my Liver Pyramids will continue to grow to unwieldy heights.
Fortunately, the livers at the bottom of the pyramid will begin to rot and compact before too long, so the smell is likely to be a problem before the height gets to be too much of an issue. Unless you are being *very* efficient in your liver harvesting, of course, in which case I congratulate you.
Oh god, you’re right, I’ve been wondering what that horrible smell is. I couldn’t quite place it – did I mention I’m not a scientist?
I think the answer here is to build a perfume moat around the pyramid, to drown out the stench with an alluring fragrance that will attract more men to your property. If you make the moat deep enough, they may even manage to drown themselves, like fruit flies, reducing some of that pesky labor out of your liver-harvesting process.
nooo, clearly the solution is PICKLING. Livers stack much better when individually packed in jars.
I like the practicality of this, but I don’t know when I’m going to have time to pickle the HUNDREDS of livers in my Liver Pyramid. I mean, I can probably start doing it for future livers, but ugh, I really don’t want to take time away from liver harvesting to pickle all the old livers…
The other advantage of pickling is portability and the ability to pass on the livers to other misandrists, thus solving the unwieldy height problem once and for all! You could continue to maintain your Liver Pyramid for your own pleasure and sell the excess at your local farmers’ market, for those city-dwelling misandrists who lack the space to build and maintain a Liver Pyramid of their own.
I do like the idea of building a Misandry Moat…
The solution, once you’ve hired someone to clean up this liver pyramid (and donate his own liver to get the next rung off to a good start), is CATS. Many cats are fond of liver and will tidy up just when you’re bored with the old pyramid, so you can get back to THE THRILL OF THE CHASE.
So they will be livertiginous?
Omg. Yes.
That is exactly how that unfortunate business with the Tower of Babel started and if your liver pyramid collapses and we all forget how to speak English, I am going to make a very strongly worded complaint that neither of us will be able to understand.
Requesting an iteration of this excellent, excellent piece told from John Mayer’s POV
Cannot like this ENOUGH
“Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls contain livers
But don’t make a liver pyramid
Mothers are fair game maybe”
~ A SONG BY JOHN MEYER, A GOOD DAD, YESSIRREE
THANK YOU KELLY!
“BOYSSSS you can break
Boys are just really strong
They’re really good
boys are the best
But boys would be gone without the warmth of a woman’s
good
good
liver”
“I can’t be her angel now (I can only have two girlfriends at once),
You know it’s not my place to hold her down (that’s society’s job)
And it’s hard for me to take a stand (against her different faces and different hairstyles)
When I would take her anyway I can (even if she doesn’t know how to vote properly)”
This is inconsistent with the Official Toast Stance on Dads, is it not?
The way I see it, Fathers are a very separate thing from Dads. Dads are cool and awesome. Fathers? Well, any jackass can be one of those.
Oh, that’s actually really good.
Oh man. I love this so, so much.
Scrolled down hoping for an NBC Hannibal gif or two and found none; were I not on my work computer I would provideth such; alas someone else must do it for me….
Mallory, every day I read you and every day I open my heart to you more, and I’m so, so scared that you are going to hurt me à la Lindy West/Ricky Gervais. I want to trust you—I DO trust you—but there is still part of me that can’t believe a love like this can last. Please never do anything racist or transphobic or sanction GMOs or talk about how the US has a right to Canada’s water under NAFTA or get finnicky about the historical accuracy of the knitted garments on Outlander–because obviously the knitted garments MAKE Outlander, who cares if they are accurate–or what have you.
Oh no! I don’t know which of this Lindy West did. Do I want to know?
Mallory is perfect, though. I KNOW IT.
Did you hear her voice? You can only have that voice if you are 100% right.
NONE!! No no. Ricky is the problem. http://jezebel.com/ricky-gervais-broke-my-heart-1…
Yes Mallory is perfect.
Oh, so glad it’s not Lindy. And also fuck you, Ricky, that shit is not clever.
christ I haven’t been paying attention I hadn’t realized Lindy West had broken the SJW code somehow
Oh! Well, I mean, I’m so glad that you like my work, but I think it will be okay if you and I ever disagree about something, and you will be fine.
idk, mallory, like if i gotta go, i’d like to go as a liver pyramid, you know?
This is a side note, but last night I dreamt that I was hanging out with Mallory and Nicole (and by hanging out I mean just standing around and listening to them talk and goggling about how lucky I was) and it was the BEST DREAM EVER. And I was so sad to wake up. But then I got to come read this, so, okay, I’ll take it, and be grateful.
Never regret cannibalism.
Do they float on water, like ducks? If so, burn them.
<img src=http://www.eurweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/tumblr_inline_mtydk7dXYK1qgxybb.gif>
A Paper Moon fan, I see.
Seriously, though, why not just add mens’ livers to the pyramid? You get all the benefits of having a liver pyramid without the crushing guilt.
Paper Moon: great movie, ties in neatly to Madeline Kahn Monday, and Tatum & Ryan O’Neal as a header image works here on multiple levels.
wow that is so many extra degrees removed from actually knowing anything about anything.
"one time sperm came out of me and then it became a human that I have no legal obligation to do anything for! AND I even gave it to some other humans to take responsibility over since they did not possess this arbitrary biological capability. so. I have AUTHORITY."
"one time sperm came out of me" –> patriarchy, distilled
At this point, the only way I’m getting through life/its endless bullshit is The Toast. Thank you for making everything cathartic also goddamn hilarious and also having throngs of awesome commenters who make me feel less crazy/angry/alone in the world.
~blessblessblessblessbless~
there was this bullshit article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bret-spears/10-things-no-one-ever-told-me-about-having-a-daughter_b_5745710.html) that said “No one ever told me that having a daughter would automatically turn me into a feminist,” but didn’t elaborate on this point at all?? Like, your partner shits out some little screaming sack of flesh and suddenly you care about gender inequality????
The one thing no one ever told me about clicking that link is that I would become genuinely concerned for the daughter’s safety. That dude sounds super-creepy! He calls his wife “childlike,” for starters. But, more importantly, if I ever got word that my father had not only discussed my vagina in public, but referred to it as a [whatever creepy word he used, “hoo haa,” I think], I would be forced to disown him, and I have an excellent father, so it would be with a heavy heart. But I’d have no choice.
I can’t wait till a man says something about how great this post is so I can go ahead and admire it totally.
This post is so great, thoroughly enjoyed. I lol’d so much. I don’t have any daughters so maybe I don’t get it entirely, but it makes me lol anyway. Maybe because I have 2 sisters. Sharing to social media.
I get so irritated by people who feel the need to indicate their authority with ” as a father of ” or ” as a mother of” Every living thing with gonads can potentially make this claim. If you’re going to claim to be an authority on something, how about referencing an accomplishment that is not as universal as the ability to breathe oxygen.
I think you are a liar
I don’t know; as the son, brother and husband of one or more women who was thus already a feminist BEFORE my wonderful daughter came along, I thought this was pretty hilarious.
I don't know; as the son, brother and husband of one or more women who was thus already a feminist BEFORE my wonderful daughter came along, I thought this was pretty hilarious.
My least favorite trope in media AND THE WORLD! Amazing.
< <a href=”http://;http://cognoscenti.wbur.org/2016/04/12/equal-pay-for-equal-work-monica-galizzi-beth-humberd-kimberly-merriman>” target=”_blank”>;http://cognoscenti.wbur.org/2016/04/12/equal-pay-for-equal-work-monica-galizzi-beth-humberd-kimberly-merriman>
Halfway down Galizzi links to articles on an actual Daughter Effect on the behaviour of CEOs, Supreme Court Justices, and Legislators.
Ugh, I can’t make the link work, but it’s at WBUR’s Cognoscenti page under the title Mind The Pay Gap
Oh Mallory, please rewrite with the gender roles switched.
Like, “Until my son got his girlfriend pregnant, I never internalized the key role that men play in procreation. Now I am in awe of the amazing bodies of all the men I meet, and how they have the potential to generate LIFE.”
or
“Now that I have a son, I realize that every man that I manage at work is someone’s son. Every time I prepare for performance reviews I keep this in mind, and try to treat them all with the gentleness yet tough love that they deserve.”
There was one! http://the-toast.net/2015/08/04/loco-parentis-aba…
“Who was to say they weren’t holographic projections sent to fool me by some sort of evil demon?”
What Descartes really meant was filias ergo sum
“Anyway, my daughters are both grounded because they tried to eat a neighborhood cat, so what I’m saying, women, is that you’re all grounded, too.”
Everything about this is brilliant, but I can’t stop laughing at Stimothy.
As I didn’t comment the first time, this is still 100% ridiculously, fantastically, horrifyingly relevant.