Previously: Dirtbag Zeus.
APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot
DAPHNE: i’m so sorry
have we met?
APOLLO: we havent met
but you know me
DAPHNE: sorry?
APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN
DAPHNE: what?
APOLLO: youre welcome
hey let me touch your skin for a while
DAPHNE: i have to
no
[DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him]
APOLLO: so do you
turn into trees a lot
i’ve always thought that trees were the sexiest plant
never did it with a tree before but
[APOLLO emerges from the cave at Delphi with the body of the slain PYTHON]
APOLLO: people of Delphi
rejoice
you shall be troubled no more by this beast
I have slain the giant snake that could not be brought low by mortal hands
VILLAGER #1: thank you, Apollo
VILLAGER #2: yes thank you, Lord
[APOLLO drops the snake and stretches]
APOLLO: you know what other giant snake cannot be brought low by mortal hands
APOLLO: babe i love you so much
HYACINTHUS: i love you too
[a jealous ZEPHYR blows APOLLO’s discus off-course, killing HYACINTHUS]
APOLLO: i will never forget you
HYACINTHUS: i…
APOLLO: oh fuck real quick before you go what was your name
so i can remember it forever
[HYACINTHUS dies]
APOLLO: im going to call you
Hank
you look like you were probably a Hank
LETO: i’m so upset
ARTEMIS: what is it, mom
APOLLO: yeah what’s wrong
LETO: it’s Niobe, she’s insulted me
because she has fourteen children and I only have two
she thinks she’s better than me
APOLLO: she doesnt have fourteen children
LETO: what?
how do you know that?
APOLLO: because i just killed like
six of them
so she has AT MOST eight
seven
hang on i think i can pick off the rest from here
APOLLO: man its hot out
sun’s really doing his job today
better take my shirt off
[APOLLO takes off all of his clothes]
i see you noticed me taking my shirt off
NYMPH: i didn’t say anything
APOLLO: you probably recognize me
from statues
guilty
its me
NYMPH: i dont know what you’re talking about
APOLLO: how would you like to have a flower named after you
Tags: apollo, dirtbags, greek mythology, oh my god i hate this guy so much
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babe
babe ur so hot
babe wat r u doing
oh ur a tree
k, im still into it
ahahaha Apollo is THE WORST, what an asshole. This is my favorite thing.
Sorry my arms are trees now.
other snake
APOLLO: hey
hey
hey
wanna bone
CASSANDRA: uh
no
thank you
APOLLO: WOW UGH fuck EVERYTHING you are the WOOOOORST i am going to ruin everything you love!!!!!
and give you the ability to predict the future BUT no one will ever believe you
before they die
like i said everyone will die
CASSANDRA: …
APOLLO: quick q
in the future
do you see us boning
APOLLO: ugh wtf
seriously, friendzoned again
or maybe enemyzoned
idk
whatever, bish
[puts on fedora, slouches out of Troy]
OFFICIAL REQUEST FOR ILLUSTRATION
“in the future, do you see us boning” – DEAD
Got me on that one too.
APOLLO: artemis
artemis
i know you’re in charge of the moon, and it’s supposed to be waning crescent tonight, or whatever
but
i think it’s time for a full moon
if you know what i mean
ARTEMIS: [sigh]
HOLY SHIT
WHY WAS IT THE APOLLO PROGRAM AND NOT THE ARTEMIS PROGRAM?
Just realizing this now. Fuck NASA. Goddamn it.
For starters, I request a remake of Apollo 13 as Artemis 13 with an all-female cast.
Mentally casting this has occupied me for the last 15 minutes. It’s surprisingly hard! The only lock I’ve settled on so far is Tilda Swinton replacing Ed Harris.
Jody Foster, Signourney Weaver, Tilda obvs….hmmm…Jennifer Hudson and Halle Berry. Let’s get this thing made.
Sarah Shahi (Shaw from Person of Interest) as Gene Kranz (Ed Harris). Remember how his staff all addressed him as “Flight”? Sarah Shahi could totally work that.
I have always wondered that myself.
In “Superman II”, it was Artemis. (At least until the Kryptonian villains killed them all on the way to Earth.)
Because Artemis was a massive dick, too. She helped Apollo murder Niobe’s children, she had a bear hunt Atalanta (a girl she helped raise with further help by bears) because others said she was a better hunter, and she had the goddess Aura raped by Dionysius, because she complimented Artemis on her breasts.
Massive, massive dick.
APOLLO: see this wreath in my hair
cool, right?
yeah, she and I used to have a thing
you seem good at sports
want one too?
Oooh a fellow Dorothy L. Sayers fan! *waves*
Oh! Hello! I do love Sayers. I wrote half my MA dissertation on her last year, and got to read her letters to her lover at Harvard University. They were incredibly interesting, and the best bits weren’t relevant to my dissertation at all, but wow, glorious. What’s your favourite?
Ooooh I’ve often toyed with the idea of writing sth academically about Golden Age detective stories but never actually done it. What was your dissertation title?
My favourite Sayers…hmm…I guess probably the short story collection Lord Peter Views the Body but among the novels, I think if I had to choose, it woudl be Have His Carcase. One of the more tightly plotted ones and I think the development of Peter Wimsey and Harriet’s relationship is at its most interesting. What about you?
Lord Peter Views The Body was one of the first ones I read, but it’s a weird way to start, because no matter where I am in the series I can’t forget that he once found an electroplated woman being used as a sofa. How does that not come up more in his life? Also, the story that gives him the ability to say ‘hey, I’m Lord Peter. You might know me from my knowledgable tongue. For wine!’ But I do love it. (It also could be the title for worryingly detatched Edwardian porn.)
I wrote on marriage, engagements and social boundaries in ’20s Christie and Sayers. It was interesting but it should have been better–too much to cover in the word limit. I should have just done Sayers and been happy, because I missed Have His Carcase entirely. I think my favourite is Strong Poison, which I did get to write about, although my favourite bits are the bitchy society letters that give the introduction to Busman’s Honeymoon.
Wow sounds like a really interesting topic. How long was the word limit? It does seem like a big topic since both Christie and Sayers’ works are so class-obsessed. I mean England (particularly in early 20th C) is class-obsessed but they’re even more so than most, aren’t they?
Hah, I agree it is a bit weird to have such out-there experiences and never mention it again. I mean, I guess one can explain both in that the sofa thing, he might be done for murder if he’s not careful and the wine thing, he’s far too well-mannered to blow his own trumpet but you’d think he’d mention the first to Harriet at least and that other people will refer to his amazing wine palate, unless you count Bunter fussing about crusted port.
APOLLO: hang on I think I can pick off the rest from here
[ARTEMIS skateboards in front of him, shooting seven arrows at once into the hearts of Niobe’s daughters]
ARTEMIS: yoink
Dirtbag Artemis is basically everything I aspire to be.
Artemis is my favorite goddess, so I’d never let an opportunity for her to show up her wanker of a brother slip by.
In grade 4 we studied Greek mythology and we were all assigned Greek “identities,” of goddesses or whoever, and I got to be Artemis. For a whole trimester I got to be Artemis! We even addressed one another as Artemis and it was THE BOMB.
OH DANG memory time–I took Latin in sixth grade (it was required at my school, bless those weirdos) and we all got Ye Olde Classical Identities too and I got Cassandra because it’s the closest they could get to my name. I did not appreciate it enough at the time.
but it’s the BEST NAME
Damn skippy it is. I have learned so much since then!
People call me Diana all the time but I just assumed it was because that’s my name. The possibility that this has been an elaborate secret Roman Mythology Roleplay this whole time intrigues me!
I basically picture Dirtbags Apollo and Artemis as Jean-Ralphio and Mona-Lisa from Parks and Rec.
RIGHT. Artemis = BAMF.
In my mind Dirtbag Apollo has the same voice as Sterling Archer.
APOLLO: LAAANAAAAAAAA!!!
I have to admit in my mind, most of the Dirtbag Series men are played by Sterling Archer.
Aaaaaaand now I know how I’m reading the rest of them.
WHAAAAAAAAAAT!?
I don’t know…that last one sounds exactly like Zapp Brannigan to me
Seems legit.
Didn’t Apollo have a son who taught people to, I don’t know, farm and hunt and keep animals and all kind of domestic-agriculture-y stuff? I cannot imagine those conversations.
APOLLO: ugh are you still going on about olives
APOLLO’S SON: dad, come on, olives are a great boon to humanity and
APOLLO: bored now
seriously
call me when you have a girl disguised as an olive tree
or a cow
i’d hit that
Jeez, you had to be careful as shit with what you said in Ancient Greece in case a jealous god was eavesdropping. Those fuckers were insecure.
Farmer: “You know, I really am proud of this year’s batch of olives. Some of the best we’ve had.”
[Moments later]
Messenger from the Gods: “Uh, yeah. So, your groves have been burned, the earth salted, you’ve been cursed to eat only olives for eternity but they’ll taste like ash, and your children are all goats now. And your wife is a giant eagle. And she just ate your kids.”
Farmer: “…but… why?”
Messenger: “Olive hubris, dude. Look it up.”
Did this briefly exist a week or so ago, or am I having deja vu/hallucinations?
you are hallucinating!
Wouldn’t be the first time!
Dirtbag Apollo is basically Dirtbag Zeus, only brattier and less successful.*
*successful by his definition, which equals banging everything in sight
Apollo: midas, what’s your fucking problem, we all know i’m a better musician than pan, literally everyone else agrees with this, are you ears fucking broken or something
Midas: agree to disagree??
Apollo: nope, you have donkey ears now, maybe be less of an ass next time HAHA GET IT, DO YOU GET THE JOKE MIDAS
Midas: dude omg wtf
I’d love to see this series cross over into Biblical figures as well, e.g., “Dirtbag David”.
David was suuuuuuccchhhh a dirtbag omg.
The Dirtbag Zeus comment section had some decent Dirtbag Yahweh attempts, if I may say so myself. But obviously we hope Mallory takes it on at some point.
I regret that I have only one like to give this comment.
Just Dirtbag Old Testament, all day long.
The Dirtbag Apple doesn’t fall far from the Dirtbag Tree, either. Let’s talk about Amnon, the asshole son of David.
[Phaethon’s mother and sisters crying over his body after he unsuccessfully tried to drive Apollo’s Sun chariot]
Apollo: Heeeeey ladies…yeah this is like really sad and all…but some little bros just can’t drive a real god’s chariot, if you know what I mean. [winks]
Phaethon’s mom: [crying] Why didn’t you save of our son!
Apollo: Whoooa! Whose son? Are you saying you and I boned? Naw bra, I remember banging Phaethon’s mom, and she was a lot younger and hoter than you.
So anyway, I know you’re sad and all, but your crying and moaning is really harshing my buzz. So I’m going to turn you all into weeping willows so you can be sad forever, but quietly, and away from me.
THREE HOURS EARLIER
[PHAETON shows up at the foot of APOLLO’S driveway. APOLLO is too busy applying a fourth coat of wax to a ’95 TOYOTA CELICA GT-FOUR to notice him.]
PHAETON: Um
APOLLO: jesus
kid
you almost got yourself waxed
PHAETON: sorry
APOLLO: lucky I wasn’t carrying my bow
cuz
pew pew
right fucking through ya
instinctual double-tap
PHAETON: yeah
APOLLO: you don’t even know man
PHAETON: um excuse me
are you
APOLLO: whatever it is
no
PHAETON: is your name Phoebus?
APOLLO: nope
PHAETON: mom said you might be going by
APOLLO: nope nope
PHAETON: by Hyperion
or Helios
or maybe Sol Invictus
or Απολλων
APOLLO: uh
can your mom make up her mind whether
her babydaddy
was latin or greek or a titan or some sort of abstract emanation or whatever
cuz how dark could it have been
PHAETON: but
but this decal on the hood of your convertible says
Apollo’s Baby
APOLLO: okay
wiseass
PHAETON: and your bumper sticker says
Phoebus Apollo
Lord of Wave-Girt Delos
Loves This Car
More Than He Would A Son
If He Had Any
APOLLO: alright
im gonna need like
two seconds cuz
do you want money
cuz i dont have any money
PHAETON: your house
is the sun
[APOLLO’S house is the SUN.]
I cannot adequately express to you how much I adore this.
He is an epic dirtbag in “Ion”.
So I got you pregnant when you were twelve, let you think the baby died, took the baby away to my temple and sent him to be your heir in such a way that he looks like your new husband’s kid who’s come to take your throne, only let you know about this when you’re about to kill each other, and then send my sister to explain everything because I don’t want to face you. I think Athena did some heavy sisterly sighing offstage in that play.
Apollo: *strums lyre* anyway here’s wonderwall
Let’s be real Apollo would probably fuck a wall if it came right down to it.
Nice callback.
I think he’s more of a champagne supernova type dirtbag
‘Dirtbag Apollo’ should *definitely* be a band name.
Can Tilda Swinton replace everyone? I mean, she could, she would be able to, but would that be a good idea, I see plusses and minuses.
There’s a statue of Apollo in the Louvre where it totally looks like he’s taking a selfie.
Fucking hell you’re right:
Did you find that by googling “apollo selfie louvre”???
Beyonce picked up on that, too:
http://assets-s3.usmagazine.com/uploads/assets/ar…
Can we agree that Athena is the only member of the Greek pantheon you would really want as a friend? Demeter would be boring. Hermes would be fun, but I think you’d wake up in a lot of places you didn’t remember from the night before.
Artemis would be good, I think.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemis#Intimacy
Nope. She left her own trail of bodies, and not all are your standard creeps. And heaven forbid anyone say that you’re halfway decent at hunting within earshot of her.
Damn, Artemis:
http://www.theoi.com/Olympios/ArtemisWrath3.html
I love how many of them are “and she killed this girl because… uh, I guess she must have pissed her off, somehow.”
Hades is pretty not-dickish. There is Persephone and the whole god of the dead thing, but he doesn’t interfere with mortals and start wars. Even when people die, it’s the other gods who devise punishments for those who tricked the gods, with everyone else he understands that the loss of life is punishment enough.
OH MY GOD, “there is Persephone”??? HE STOLE HIS NIECE FOR SEXING.
I guess if you enjoy not having sex and killing people with arrows or bears.
not having sex with men anyway
I mean, I could work with that.
So basically Katniss Everdeen then.
I can just picture Apollo being like, “Sun’s too hot for clothes, they’ll just burn right off me, that’s how hot I am.”
Also all of these paintings are SO DIRTBAGGY.
It all sounds like Straight White Boys Texting to me:
hey whats up
cool cool r u into gods
no reason i’m a god haha
no really im a god
you know what the celts call me
apollo cunomaglus
guess what that sounds like
Apollo: doesn’t it suck
that I’d win every music competition ever
because everyone else sucks too hard to challenge me
Marsyas: what the hay, I’ll challenge you
Apollo: this is going to suck for you when I win at music
And also being cute
*Marsyas wins competition by unanimous third party agreement*
Apollo: wow I’m pretty shocked
Actually really super shocked
Just one question though
Marsyas: Yes?
Apollo: How can you play a lyre if you don’t have any skin
Marsyas…wait, what?
Apollo: Exactly
athena in iliad: kill everyone lalalalala kill everyone especially that aphrodite ugh i hate her
Athena’s history of murdering her friends and stealing their names would make her way too risky to be buddies with. Also, while she doesn’t reach the heights of dirtbaggery achieved by some of the other gods, she still turned Arachne into a spider for being good at weaving, so she’s still pretty insecure/vengeful.
Only safe god/goddess is Hestia. look it up yo
Artemis: hey guess what i’ve been hunting with this guy Orion and he’s really cool
Apollo: oh yeah?
hey what’s that dot on the horizon?
bet u can’t shoot it
Artemis: the hell i can’t
Apollo: lol u just killed ur bestie
who’s really cool now?
Artemis: o_O
laughing so much right now
bahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa