Previously: The Bad Vibes Bible.
Genesis 2:15-17
“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for it is unchill to eat the fruit thereof.”
Genesis 7:1-3
“The Lord then said to Noah, ‘Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. Take with you seven pairs of every kind of chill animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unchill animal, a male and its mate, and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth.”
Genesis 31:24
“Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either chill or unchill.’”
Leviticus 4:13-14
“If the whole Israelite community sins unintentionally and does what is unchill in any of the Lord’s commands, even though the community is unaware of the matter, when they realize their guilt and the sin they committed becomes known, the assembly must bring a young bull as a sin offering and present it before the tent of meeting.”
Leviticus 15:18
“When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unchill till evening.”
Deuteronomy 23:2
“No one born of an unchill marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation.”
Esther 2:10
“Esther had not revealed her nationality and family background, because Mordecai had declared it unchill for her to do so.”
Isaiah 5:20
“Woe to those who call chill unchill and unchill chill, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.”
Isaiah 6:5
“‘Woe to me!’ I cried. ‘I am ruined! For I am a man of unchill lips, and I live among a people of unchill lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.’”
Acts 10:9-16
“About noon the following day as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the roof to pray. He became hungry and wanted something to eat, and while the meal was being prepared, he fell into a trance. He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by its four corners. It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles and birds. Then a voice told him, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.”
“Surely not, Lord!” Peter replied. “I have never eaten anything impure or unchill.”
The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything unchill that God has made chill.”
This happened three times, and immediately the sheet was taken back to heaven.”
Tags: bible verses, religion, the bible, unchill
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I think we’ve found the source of all guilt and anxiety in Western religion.
Augustine, Luther, and Calvin helped.
This happened three times, and immediately the sheet was taken back to heaven.
3 times, on my sheets? That shit is going straight to my 2-in-1 washer/dryer, proving, once again, that heaven is actually my 2-in-1 washer/dryer.
I had a friend from the valley who added “like” to every sentence, even when quoting Bible verses in our class.
“Jesus like, wept and shit”
“Thou shalt, like, not kill”
He was pretty chill. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhEUWobdXqY
*Imagines a man of unchill lips* Woe unto thee indeed, Isaiah.
It’s a very disturbing thought. I’m glad I was able to find a tube of that orange-mango Blistex yesterday.
Leviticus 15:18
“When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unchill till evening.” Does this mean I can only have sex in the morning and afternoon? I hate morning sex, but the dude abides…
I know! It always seems like a good idea, but the first thing I have to do when I get up is pee, and once I’m out of bed, I’m not going to go back in. Plus, sex makes me sleepy, so I’d just never get anything done.
It's a very disturbing thought. I'm glad I was able to find a tube of that orange-mango Blistex yesterday.
“The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything unchill that God has made chill.”” earned a really undignified hoot from me.
Words to live by.
I would purchase Mallory’s rewritten Bible. Just saying. It’d be sort of like the Lolcat bible but easier to read.
“Can you not call unchill anything that God has made chill.”
Just wanted to let you know that I just finished my first semester of seminary, and received comments from one of my (awesome) professors, which remarked that as a feminist leader, I can’t always have the luxury of hanging out in “unapologetically feminist spaces like ‘the-toast'” – I guess I may possibly have talked a lot about this site in my journal reflections, lol. Anyway, she’s right – gotta go out there and ram the truth down the throats of the masses when it comes to feminism – but I love that you got a shout-out from the professor. (An unapologetic feminist herself.) Here’s to more chill mentions of The Toast in seminary years to come!
This is my favorite in this series so far!
3 times, on my sheets? That shit is going straight to my 2-in-1 washer/dryer, proving, once again, that heaven is actually my 2-in-1 washer/dryer.