Previously: The Bad Vibes Bible.
“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for it is unchill to eat the fruit thereof.”
“The Lord then said to Noah, ‘Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. Take with you seven pairs of every kind of chill animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unchill animal, a male and its mate, and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth.”
“Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either chill or unchill.'”
“If the whole Israelite community sins unintentionally and does what is unchill in any of the Lord’s commands, even though the community is unaware of the matter, when they realize their guilt and the sin they committed becomes known, the assembly must bring a young bull as a sin offering and present it before the tent of meeting.”
“When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unchill till evening.”
“No one born of an unchill marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation.”
“Esther had not revealed her nationality and family background, because Mordecai had declared it unchill for her to do so.”
“Woe to those who call chill unchill and unchill chill, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.”
“‘Woe to me!’ I cried. ‘I am ruined! For I am a man of unchill lips, and I live among a people of unchill lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.'”
“About noon the following day as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the roof to pray. He became hungry and wanted something to eat, and while the meal was being prepared, he fell into a trance. He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by its four corners. It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles and birds. Then a voice told him, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.”
“Surely not, Lord!” Peter replied. “I have never eaten anything impure or unchill.”
The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything unchill that God has made chill.”
This happened three times, and immediately the sheet was taken back to heaven.”
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.