Bible Verses Where The Word “Philistines” Has Been Replaced With “Haters”

by Mallory Ortberg · November 17, 2014

Samson in the Kingstone Graphic BiblePreviously: Bible Verses Where The Word “Praying” Has Been Replaced With “Truckin.’”

Genesis 26:14
“He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the haters envied him.”

Genesis 26:15
“So all the wells that his father’s servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the haters stopped up, filling them with earth.”

Judges 3:31
“After Ehud came Shamgar son of Anath, who struck down six hundred haters with an oxgoad. He too saved Israel.”

Judges 10:7
“He became angry with them. He sold them into the hands of the haters and the Ammonites.”

Judges 14:3
“His father and mother replied, ‘Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised haters to get a wife?’”

Judges 15:6
“When the haters asked, ‘Who did this?’ they were told, ‘Samson, the Timnite’s son-in-law, because his wife was given to his companion.’ So the haters went up and burned her and her father to death.”

Judges 15:12
“They said to him, ‘We’ve come to tie you up and hand you over to the haters.’”

Judges 16:9
“With men hidden in the room, she called to him, ‘Samson, the haters are upon you!’ But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered.”

Judges 16:30
“And Samson cried, ‘Let me die with the haters!’ And he bowed himself mightily, and the house fell upon the princes and upon all the people that were in it. So the dead whom he slew at his death were more than they whom he slew in his life.”

1 Samuel 4:7
“The haters were afraid. ‘A god has come into the camp,’ they said. ‘Oh no! Nothing like this has happened before.’”

1 Samuel 7:13
“So the haters were subdued and they stopped invading Israel’s territory. Throughout Samuel’s lifetime, the hand of the Lord was against the haters.”

1 Samuel 14:20
“Then Saul and all his men assembled and went to the battle. They found the haters in total confusion, striking each other with their swords.”

2 Kings 8:2-3
“The woman proceeded to do as the man of God said. She and her family went away and stayed in the land of the haters seven years. At the end of the seven years she came back from the land of the haters and went to appeal to the king for her house and land.”

Isaiah 14:23-31
“Do not rejoice, all you haters, that the rod that struck you is broken; from the root of that snake will spring up a viper, its fruit will be a darting, venomous serpent. Wail, you gate! Howl, you city! Melt away, all you haters! A cloud of smoke comes from the north, and there is not a straggler in its ranks.”

Jeremiah 47:4
“For the day has come to destroy all the haters and to remove all survivors who could help Tyre and Sidon. The Lord is about to destroy the haters, the remnant from the coasts of Caphtor.”

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35 Comments

  6. deleted7410012 +227

    I can only assume that the line after “They found the haters in total confusion, striking each other with their swords.” is, “And the haters were crying, Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”

  9. LookItUp +3

    Okay, but isn’t this just a slight alteration/rip-off of a recent Reddit post? Another word (e.g., Pharisees) was replaced.

    1. NicoleCliffe +93

      Mallory did a post last week in which she replaced Praying with Truckin’, this is a sequel to that.

    2. badmuthahydra +15

      Don’t forget to tell Rebecca Solnit that there’s a ‘very important book’ she needs to read.

  11. katmarie13 +69

    Judges is just full of haters, man.

    Also, I would love a future post with “disciples” replaced with “bros”**

    **Not that disciples are always male in the Bible–I just think it would be a funny exercise.

  13. PonyAlong +17

    Honest to God, I didn’t think “trucking for praying” could be topped, but how wrong I was. How very, VERY wrong.

  14. Rillquiet +38

    “Screams from the Philistines, gotta nice ring to it; I guess every superhero need his theme music.” C’mon, Kanye, do this at just one live show and leave people wondering FOREVER.

  16. Unreadaethel +69

    Matthew 25:32-33

    “All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the haters on the left.”

  17. Sarah +30

    Amazing!

    I tried replacing “sinners” with “haters” (NIV Bible) and got similar results:

    “And here you are, a brood of haters, standing in the place of your fathers and making the Lord even more angry with Israel.” -Numbers 32:14

    “Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs haters in his ways.” -Psalm 25:8

    “Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of haters.” -Matthew 26:45

  18. Sophia +23

    Only 7 years in the land of the haters, pffft. Try a real life experience next time, lady from 2 Kings.

  19. lora7lf768 +2

    If it gets out ye word who cares where were we. metalheads. ?? And how bout diggin instead of truckin?

  21. loriersea +14

    I feel like this would work equally well with Pharisees:

    But when he saw many of the haters and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come?”

    And when the haters saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

    But the haters went out and conspired against him, how to destroy him.

    “But woe to you, scribes and haters, hypocrites!”

  22. W Sanders

    I’m reading “Constantine’s Sword” right now. Apply this to the Gospels, and this is actually fairly close to what Carroll says actually happened.