A Day In The Life Of Our Cavemen Ancestors

by Mallory Ortberg · December 3, 2014

cavemenEXT. DAY. Some sort of veldt or taiga or what have you. KRANDAR and UDASH, two CAVEMEN, are squatting in a position that maximizes hip elasticity and digestive health before we ruined it with our westernized “sitting,” and poking at a fire.

KRANDAR: So I’ve been thinking about asking Skirset to move in with me.

UDASH: Really.

KRANDAR: I…yeah. What, do you think it’s not a good idea or something?

UDASH: Why do you say that?

KRANDAR: I don’t know. Your tone of voice. Like you weren’t asking a question. Like you were disappointed.

UDASH: I mean, if you feel like it’s the right decision for you. I just —

KRANDAR: You just what?

UDASH: Her hip circumference?

KRANDAR: What about it?

UDASH: Exactly. What about it.

KRANDAR: Are you saying she’s too skinny or something?

UDASH: No. Not exactly. I’m just wondering how she’s going to successfully pass on your genes if your first attempt at reproduction ends up getting stuck halfway through and they both die.

[They are both silent. UDASH pokes at the fire.]

KRANDAR: What are genes?

UDASH: You know what I mean. You know what we’re supposed to look for. A big top part, and a little in-between part, and a big lower part, that’s what’s attractive. Because that means they won’t die, and that’s attractive.

KRANDAR: Are you saying I’m not really attracted to her? Because I feel very attracted to her.

UDASH: If you say so.

KRANDAR: She’s really smart, you know? I like talking to her.

UDASH: I don’t see how “smart” is going to help the two of you from surviving a cholera epidemic. But it’s your life.

KRANDAR: What’s cholera?

UDASH: Sorry, “blood sickness.”

KRANDAR: She is, though. Look at what she taught me.

[KRANDAR sketches several rudimentary symbols in the dust with his finger]

KRANDAR: Cool, right? This one here, that represents “water,” and this one over here, that means “the big rock by the tree where we make decisions,” and —

UDASH: That’s not good for you. You shouldn’t do that.

KRANDAR: What do you mean? It’s super helpful. Like, if I’m out gathering seeds, and Skirset wants to leave me a message but she doesn’t know when I’ll be back, she can just write me some of these symbols, and I’ll know what she was trying to say.

UDASH: Our hands didn’t evolve to make symbols in the dirt. They evolved to grab fish out of a stream. They weren’t designed for scratching out “here’s where the rock is.” You’ll ruin your hands.

KRANDAR: I think my hands can probably do all of those things, maybe.

UDASH: Do you think our Australopithicus forebears would have used their hands for dust-scrawlings? They weren’t even bipedal, man. We shouldn’t even really be walking. We should be using all four of our limbs to scrabble our way from tree to tree. This living on the ground shit isn’t natural. 

KRANDAR: I like living on the ground.

UDASH: It’s artificial.

KRANDAR: I don’t know what that means, either.

UDASH: It’s not what we’re supposed to be doing.

KRANDAR: What are we supposed to be doing?

UDASH: Honestly? If we were really authentic? Squatting over a hole and eating lice off of each other’s backs. Not using verbal language, because our tongues were originally designed —

KRANDAR: You keep saying that. What were we originally designed for? When were we at the right stage of evolving?

UDASH: This multi-cellular organism situation we’re in is bullshit. Did you know that when we were still unicellular we were practically immortal? Fuck these complex, multifunctional systems. They cause aging.

KRANDAR: I like being multi…multi things. I like that. Having arms, and so on.

UDASH: And our eyes weren’t built to look at dirt symbols, either. They evolved to scan the horizon for predators and that’s it.

KRANDAR: Let’s talk about something else.

UDASH: Fine.

KRANDAR: That field of wheat we found last year is back. Gronset found it.

UDASH: What?

KRANDAR: Remember? That field of stuff we found out tastes pretty good when you grind it up and heat it over the fire?

UDASH: Fire isn’t for cooking. Fire is for worshipping and for scaring away mammoths.

KRANDAR: I don’t even think there are mammoths anymore.

UDASH: Our great-great-great-great-great-great-forebears didn’t discover fire at the top of the sacred mammoth to heat a bunch of seeds in it.

KRANDAR: Okay, listen, I think it’s great that you’re so concerned about what people used to do better than how we do them, but it actually saved us a lot of time, to re-plant that field and check on it for food later. Having your food show up in the same place all the time is really helpful. I didn’t have to spend a month chasing down ibexes. Which, by the way, half the time doesn’t even result in ibexes. They’re really fast, and it sucks running all over the goddamn plains chasing something you might not even get to eat.

UDASH: So…you guys are farming.

KRANDAR: What’s wrong now?

UDASH: Nothing. Nothing. If you like diabetes, and cancer, and sitting.

KRANDAR: I don’t know what sitting is. Why do you keep bringing up —

UDASH: Humans weren’t meant to find all of our food in the same place.

KRANDAR: Jesus Christ.

UDASH: I don’t know what Jesus Christ is.

KRANDAR: It’s — that’s not the point. You just keep finding fault with goddamn everything. And you act like there was this one magical time when we were perfectly evolved into harmony with our surroundings, as if human evolution isn’t just a series of various tradeoffs and compromises with our constantly-changing environment, and this insistently regressive attitude is really shitty because it totally ignores our current circumstances and frankly I do not have the time or the resources to hang out in trees scanning the horizon for fish or whatever, because I don’t have that much spare time to recreationally reenact whatever our pre-cavemen ancestors got up to before getting gored to death —

UDASH: You know, the human mouth was not evolved for monologues; you should really be more careful about how you use your jaw and tongue placement.

[KRANDAR begins attacking UDASH with a sharpened stick.]

UDASH: You know, clubs are more ergonomic —

[He dies.]

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106 Comments

    2. zachariahary +73

      Being the least hip person on the planet, I read this comment and spent a full minute thinking, ‘oh, she must have a bunch of friends who are paleontologists, that’s cool.’
      (I lied. It took me at least five minutes.)

    3. maccrocodile +62

      What you should do is scrawl this in the dirt for your paleo friends; it’s better for you. We weren’t meant to email, you know.

    4. coloredlights +25

      I really want to email it to my paleo friend, who has loved every other Toast article I’ve sent him, but I think he would be legit offended. Fragile male feelings…

    5. gyrosplease +1

      OH I thought you meant your paleoanthropologist friends, and I was all DO IT! Then I read more comments and realized I’d made a mistake

  2. Ethylbenzene +99

    Ugh this guy. I’ve totally known this guy.

    True story: in discussing beer with This Guy once, he actually told me that he “doesn’t drink any beers that use hop varietals that start with a ‘c’.” Because that’s not what our ancestral British beer brewing gods did or something…..

    3. sansdromeda +109

      In that case, he shouldn’t be drinking hopped beers at all. Because that’s a fairly new thing. Actually, he shouldn’t be drinking beer at all. Too man-made. If he wants to get drunk, he should be sitting beneath fruit trees, waiting for fruit to fall and ferment naturally on the ground.

        1. Ethylbenzene +48

          I definitely think we’ve fully established that Toast commenters are basically the smartest, funniest people on the entire internet.

          2. Ethylbenzene +2

            You again! Now I must slink off because I’ve been shown up by someone much more clever than me! Fie!

      2. GoatseFanfic +64

        Well if you want to get down to it dude should be photosynthesizing; heterotrophy leads to bowel cancer.

      3. irishbreakfasttime +41

        All that boiling and adding preservatives, as if we didn’t evolve to drink whatever filthy pond water we find.

          1. Ethylbenzene +26

            Well actually, your gut bacteria evolved to handle the pond scum so really we should all do pond water enemas.

  5. middlemarch +163

    I will never understand how a diet based on a group of people who mostly died before age thirty has become such a craze. Also: toe shoes.

      2. middlemarch +74

        Also, the whole “cavemen never got cancer!” thing is so gross to me. Like, first, are your really going to shame people with cancer? And also, cavemen didn’t get cancer because they died of DISEASE, EXPOSURE, AND VIOLENCE at young ages.

          2. fromthelandwithlove +26

            Oh man, we have found bones of cavemen with SO MANY DISEASES, like arthritis and multiple breaks and all sort of things that indicated that they spent decades living in constant pain. It’s not like cavemen had cheerful lives.

          3. Unreadaethel +31

            I’m sure there were many freeing things about caveperson life (they never developed first-world internet addictions, f’r example), but really, constant threat of death and dismemberment seems like it would be a not-fun sort of lifestyle. This is why we spent the last several thousand years developing medicine and Inside and toothbrushes.

      1. GruntledDave +50

        my daughter says toe shoes look like someone killed a chimpanzee, skinned its feet, and put them on :/

        2. Apollonia +34

          I thought “toe shoes” was referring to pointe shoes and thought “Chimp feet? Wow, ballet must be getting really avant garde now.”

    3. grape_fruit +7

      For a minute I thought “toe shoes? Is there something wrong with shoes that cover toes? It gets cold in the winter.” Then I figured it out.

    4. RoseCamelia +18

      I’m with you, aesthetically, on the toe shoes. But I must add: they are a(n ugly) godsend for diabetics. I just try not to look at the feet of my Beloved Diabetic. Yes, Toastfriends, those are the sacrifices I make for him.

          2. maya +7

            well i for one am glad that we’ve decided this evo psych thing is nonsense because the information in your comment would really push down the valuation of my startup, an iOS app facilitating an economy based on the barter of babies

  7. ppyajunebug +70

    Let’s start a movement to place printouts of this in every CrossFit gym (box?) in the world.

    2. Ballerina Dentata +9

      There used to be a CrossFit gym at the bottom of my street that was literally a concrete shoebox. With the doors constantly thrown open and dudes throwing ropes around or some shit.
      It will now be a Goodwill donation center. This pleases me.

  10. connorjoel +52

    Even Neolithic libertarians appealed to their Paleolithic ancestry. Good to know, good to know.

  12. sednarea51 +143

    Mallory I am weeping with joy at this. WEEPING.
    “And you act like there was this one magical time when we were perfectly evolved into harmony with our surroundings” YES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Eat paleo if you want to, that’s great, but carbohydrates are cheap, easy to store long-term, and Goddamned delicious.

    1. maya +2

      my personal suspicion is that without the intervention of modern technology, things that last longer are almost always worse for you. because really, what is not rotting, if not the collective action of a bunch of bacteria and fungi going “ew, really?” and finding something else to munch on?

  13. aravisthequeen +62

    Mallory, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET? How do you consistently come up with such amazing, hilarious, cutting, on-point contact? TEACH ME YOUR WAYS. What do I have to do? How do I get to be like you?

  14. Linette +94

    My favorite part is where he just straight up ignores the question of where in our evolutionary history we were “ideal.”

    “Just…before now, okay? Like, lots before. Far enough that we can’t remember any of the associated inconveniences, but not so far back that we’re, like, amoeba. In there somewhere. Not now, anyway.”

  15. katiemcgillicuddy +184

    You know, the human mouth was not evolved for monologues; you should really be more careful about how you use your jaw and tongue placement.

    Jesus, if only I had thought of this line when that last Tinder hook up wouldn’t shut up about Paleo.

  16. sednarea51 +35

    “So many sore hands! When will the people of Sumeria wise up and stop carving symbols into clay? They should be getting sore knees by working 14 hours a day in their fields instead!”

    2. Teka Lynn +16

      “What’s with this cuneiform nonsense? The gods gave us memory for a reason! If they’d wanted us to ‘write’, they’d have made our hands a pointed stick.””

  17. zachariahary +153

    Ahhaaah yes. Like five lines into this I just thought ‘please let one of the tags be “fuck evopsych”.’
    It’s always so compelling when some dude starts in with “Well, our neolithic ancestors used to eat a lot of nuts and berries, ergo I really can’t help being a complete dickfuton.”
    I guess it’s not particularly surprising that someone invented an academic discipline oriented around coming up with ‘scientific’ explanations for shitty male behavior.

      1. zachariahary +51

        There’s really no justification for this, and I kinda don’t understand why I find it so satisfying, but I feel just inexcusably pleased with myself for dickfuton and will never stop believing it’s the most devastatingly dismissive thing you can call another human.

        2. sorrycassandra +62

          What makes it perfect is that the futon is such a disappointing piece of furniture. A mildly uncomfortable couch or a mildly uncomfortable bed? WHY NOT BOTH?

    3. GoatseFanfic +51

      You just know that, if the first thing people with no history education knew about eugenics wasn’t “Hitler”, these same people would be measuring skulls and devising convoluted explanations for how modern economics is explained by the different niches the races of man evolved into and pressing The Bell Curve sincerely into your hands like 24/7

  18. Linette +216

    ALSO DID ANYONE NOTICE MALLORY RIGHTLY GIVES CRÉDIT TO A WOMAN FOR INVENTING WRITING BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WE INVENTING FUCKING EVERYTHING FIRST AND THEN WE’RE TOLD IT’S ONLY FOR MEN. A+ PROBABLE HISTORICAL ACCURACY, MALLORY.

    2. littlehuntingcreek +25

      It’s true, women invented writing. The boys were “busy” hunting or some nonsense

  20. ladonnapietra +120

    Udash does seem like the sort of guy who is extremely confident that he knows everything about human evolution but doesn’t know the difference between the Aurignacian period and the Magdalenian.

  22. GreenGrasses +42

    I’m very sad that the Udashes of the world were not lost during our glorious and continuous evolution.

  23. Frumiosa +102

    You know, the human mouth was not evolved for monologues; you should really be more careful about how you use your jaw and tongue placement.

    This is why cunnilingus is the only legitimate vagina monologue.

  24. winterbymorning +45

    This is one of the ads I’m getting on this page:

    I’m guessing Lug is Krandar’s and Skirset’s firstborn?

  26. Frumiosa +75

    These guys just want to go back to a time when their white boy dreadlocks were cool.

    Not even then, fellas. Not even then.

  27. baradanich +40

    As an anthropology student, I can now redescribe myself as a DELIGHTED anthropology student.

    1. kwillmoreeldred +8

      I’m an ex anthropology student, and this fills me with glee.

      (Hi, anthropology student! ::waves::)

  29. irishbreakfasttime +61

    I’m now kind of curious about the size of the middle of the “likes to yell ‘evolution is true, intelligent design is a myth, it’s called SCIENCE’ at religious folks” and “regularly uses the phrase ‘we weren’t meant to…'” Venn diagram.

    1. grape_fruit +27

      Another circle there has to be “but men are SUPPOSED to have lots of sex coz evolution!”

  31. academianut30 +14

    YES. I once had to grade papers on evo psych, so much “this is why men are more aggressive and women are nicer” BS. All vindicated now.

  32. leahrobinn +24

    Oh, oh. All the paleo jokes. Send them this way. Keep them coming.
    Do you think Udash BACON-WRAPPED his ibex? And placed it tenderly between two sweet-potato patties? I do.

    1. Unreadaethel +9

      Cured meat isn’t authentic. Our ancestors only killed the food they were going to eat, and offered the rest to the gods. Preserving food isn’t natural, and storing food is for squirrels.

      1. leahrobinn +11

        *the sad and lonely sound of a thousand, thousand paleo cookbooks slowly tearing out their own pages*

        1. Unreadaethel +14

          If you didn’t lure it into a net, after which you and 5 of your friends worked together to stab it to death, I don’t want to hear about it. Half the lifestyle is the exercise you get from stalking and subduing the gazelle in the first place, god.

  34. Sophia +9

    I know this is rightfully about paleos but I would really also like to send it to the Amish except I cannot because, well, Amish.

  35. Just Lurkin'

    Actually it's a still from a student film from a small liberal arts college made about 10 years ago. I have seen it, but I don't remember much of it. The dude did an independent major in Men's Studies, I shit you not.

  36. Stacy

    OH I thought you meant your paleoanthropologist friends, and I was all DO IT! Then I read more comments and realized I'd made a mistake