Apollo’s mortal lover Hyacinth was struck in the forehead by a discus pushed off-course by the jealous god Zephyr. Here you can see him slowly dying of being “tenderly cradled,” with no visible head wounds from the golden Frisbee lying at his feet.
Here we see Hyacinth dying yet again, this time from having his hand held.
You have to look carefully to see it, but Adonis’ mortal wound is the surface-level scratch just over his beautiful mist-blue tunic. Oh babe, I’m dying…I’m dying real bad. Don’t bother calling the doctor. There’s no coming back from this one.
The Death of Adonis again, this time from sleepiness:
“My darling! What is it?”
“Oh, I’m dying. It’s awful, the amount I’m dying of.”
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
“MY HEAD HURTS A LITTLE BIT. ALSO I CANNOT FIND MY SHOES.”
Here lies Eurydice, died from slouching.
The sword is bloodied, and yet there’s not a single mark on Dido’s body. She just pulled her dress down a little bit.
uuugh theres like
a fire in the distance
just leave me here to die
there’s plenty of time to escape, my lady
no im already too far gone
i can barely point
leave me
save yourselves
The first of several paintings of Ophelia that demonstrate a near-total lack of understanding of what the physical process of drowning entails. “Drowning is just…it’s when the back of your legs get wet as you lounge against a tree branch, yes? Medically speaking, that’s mostly what drowning is about? Fantastic.”
It looks like a smudge on your screen, but that’s actually a very shallow fatal wound.
So close to actually drowning! Her face is very nearly submerged!
Half credit. Pyramus has slightly nicked his own neck and is being a real baby about it, but Thisbe stands a real chance of actually running herself through on that sword. 
[Images via]
Tags: artwork, exaggerated death, greek mythology, i am aware that the original painters took artistic license, you’re fine get up
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I was planning on trying out the “one boob in one boob out” look but based on some of these pictures I think it might be too dangerous.
It’s all the rage in Qarth.
That’s how I wake up every morning in certain sleepwear. I can’t decide if I’m a trendsetter or just being very dark and bleak and mysterious.
Please forgive the public schooling but was it like… okay to have your titty etc out? Did you only have to sort of try to wear a bolt of fabric, as long as it was satin? Was this how people went around town?
This post confirms my suspicion that the only way to die is tragically reclining with at least one breast out. If it’s good enough for Dido, it’s good enough for me.
This option is much better than for the mens: you can wear a scarf if you want, but your tiny pile of bangers and mash must be out for all to see.
“tiny pile of bangers and mash” bwahahahahaha
I need to use that as part of an insult at some point.
Speaking of tiny piles of bangers and mash http://themuse.jezebel.com/so-much-peen-at-the-ri…
This is the runway equivalent of toad in the hole.
God that looks good.
Good grief, it’s like the World Cup of Western art.
To be fair to Hyacinth, it is possible to die from head trauma without sustaining any external wounds. REMEMBER: if a wind god blows a discus into your skull hard enough to knock you out, see a doctor or a learned centaur as soon as you come to!
uuugh way to expose my lack of medical knowledge!!!!
how are learned centaurs with insurance? thinking about changing it up a little bit with the medical advice
“Mythical Figures Faking Their Own Deaths As A Cry For Attention In Western Art History.”
To be fair, even a very small wound can be deadly, especially if infected. When Elisabeth of Austria was assassinated, her stab wound was small enough that it was almost unnoticed. She quietly bled to death, even though she was able to walk around and appeared healthy until she fainted from blood loss.
On the other hand, if you’re an artist and you can make this super-dramatic fictional death you’re painting look literally any way you want and you choose the absolute least possible amount of gore to depict just because it’s not medically inconceivable, I’m gonna take issue.
She died from bleeding out when they removed her corset. It was so tight it was keeping the wound from bleeding. That’s why her last words were something like, ‘what happened to me?’ She didn’t even realize she’d been stabbed! (They discussed a similar thing in an episode of Sherlock.)
I was shouting at the screen while watching that episode, “It’s just like Empress Elisabeth! Why is this a mysterious unsolved case to you!”
Maybe everybody had deleted that information.
LOVE
They were dazzled by Dean Thomas’s buttocks and incapable of thought.
Two Western Artists, a la Two Monks:
WA 1: So how do people die?
WA 2: What do you mean? They fall to the ground and their clothes fly off.
i hope the “you’re fine get up” tag gets used again.
“you’re fine get up” = the extent of “coddling” from my parents and/or older brother (who, to be fair, was the reason I was usually on the ground)
Oh ditto (so much for tea and sympathy), with of course the added rejoinder, if you complained that he had nearly put your eye out, “Well I’m sure he didn’t mean to”.
WALK IT OFF
RUB SOME DIRT IN IT
Official Bittersweet family rejoinder after an accident or fall.
Let me just pour some hydrogen peroxide on that.
Oh Lana Turner we love you get up
Nearly-Submerged-Face Lady is rocking that uniboob.
To be fair, it does look like Eurydice might be suffering from the whole Bram Djikstra “Nymph with the Broken Back” thing, so she could have severed her spinal cord or something.
So, people in ancient times apparently:
-Just hung out with their nips and their danglies just… hanging about.
-Could die if you breathed on them (maybe related?)
-Had hair that does not obey the laws of physics or reality
– Had really small danglies and/or tits that looked like they were stapled on
One of my favorite paintings is Corot’s “Wounded Eurydice,” partly because look at it, it’s fucking gorgeous
and partly because Eurydice treats her tiny wound (we can’t even see the snakebite) exactly like a tiny wound. “Okay,” she’s thinking. “Let’s take a look at this sucker.”
(And I know I’m reading past the irony, but I can’t even believe she’ll die. Which makes me happy: she’ll have a good time at her wedding party, Orpheus won’t have his head ripped from his shoulders.)
wow I love that painting!
She really looks like she’s massaging a leg cramp.
love how disgusted the woman in the second adonis picture looks too, like “how dare you die from this, ughhhh”
The cherub is distraught. Venus(?) looks more annoyed than anything else. “That little scratch, Adonis? Pfft.”
“Take a jacket! You’re going to catch your death”. More evidence that nagging moms prevent unnecessary death by overexposure. Plus, some of these teeny wounds would probably have been blocked by a light chemise.
Dude, Pyramus didn’t even nick his neck slightly. He scratched his collarbone, which does not hide any major blood vessels or strategic humors.
At the time of my writing, the words “to be fair” have appeared 4 times in these comments. Long live the pedants, and the pedant-taunters.
THE MORAL: People who die from tiny abrasions should not drive chariots pulled by swans, nature’s pissiest birds.
Also, love the expression on Superman-caped Orpheus. “Oh, thank you, Gods! Thank you so bloody much!“
Winged babies: 6
Dogs: 4
The two dogs in #5 are really more interested in that boar, though. And the one dog in #3 is (very wisely, I think) keeping a weather eye on those swans.
Winged baby in #10 just doesn’t even care. “I’m OUTTA HERE!…”
We all know what the second to last painting is really all about. Center stage: The Boob
this series gives a whole new meaning to “dying of exposure”
fun fact, since Diablo (and I think college D&D from a decade before my birth) my mother has liked to name video game characters Hyacinth, so the twinky lead of one of our foremost gay classic stories has always sounded like he has a “girl name” to me
Whereas people in biblical times were not messing around.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_beheading_Hol…
One of my favourite paintings.
I love that painting!! I came across it as a young child in the family encyclopedia and was just enthralled.
I later found out that the artist is also pretty BAMF.
I do think the eighth one down might by dying from the stab wound under her left breast that her servant is applying pressure to. Just maybe.
keyword: MYTHOLOGICAL
I swear to god no male artists understand boob physics.
THIS
#PEDANTRYWARNING
In fairness, Ophelia’s death is described thusly:
“Her clothes spread wide,
And mermaid-like a while they bore her up.”
Maybe that’s the moment depicted in these paintings.
What larks, Pip…