Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body -The Toast

Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on February 12, 2015 in Writing

Part One here.

“Certain damp crevices were of great interest to them; other damp crevices were carefully avoided. There appeared to be little logic behind the distinction, but there it was all the same.”

“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.”

“Although both parties were close enough to one another to be heard using only a very quiet voice, they both insisted on speaking to one another quite loudly, preferring vague and meaningless vocalizations over specific words. Had they used words familiar to the both of them, things might not have become so confusing.”

“Fluid was produced in three chief areas, but consumed in only one.”

“They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”

“The warmth and movement produced in the appendage in question was the direct result of the blood lying just underneath the skin; blood that would cover the floor and the other party were there even the slightest breach of skin integrity. Later, the blood would retreat; eventually the blood would cease to circulate entirely, evaporate upon decomposition, and return its components to the greater ecosystem.”

“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”

“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”

“The hair on their lower bodies met, as if two eyeless friends found one another after a long and unexpected absence.”

“They put their mouths upon, but did not consume, one another’s flimsiest parts, as if they had forgotten what the process of eating looked like, and could only remember the very beginning of the act.”

“One of them spasmed a great deal sooner than the other, which appeared to cause a great deal of consternation. The other, when they did spasm, spasmed in such a way that suggested all was forgiven. Later they ceased to move at all, and lay prone for several hours without talking to one another or even opening their eyes, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (68)

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+152 Vote up Vote down

jekyllian 141p · 528 weeks ago

omg, all of sex described "as if hiding from a passing predator"

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

+124 Vote up Vote down

kilks401 119p · 528 weeks ago

“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.” too real, way too real.

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+128 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 528 weeks ago

Both partaking in the moist event offered verbal devotions to various deities, especially as spasming neared. All of their muscle striations flexed and breathing elevated yet shallowed, akin to a myocardial infarction.

"oh deity i am close to a spasm," he said.

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+111 Vote up Vote down

SarahDances 143p · 528 weeks ago

LITTERING.

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+72 Vote up Vote down

wakatopatopa 145p · 528 weeks ago

“They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”

Will forever be turned on by chairs now.

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

mbculver 114p · 528 weeks ago

Oh, Mallory. I now have to go over to archiveofourown to cleanse my erotica palate from all this (delicious, delicious) horror.

In other news, Damp Crevices is the name of my new feminist aggro punk band.

3 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

Cupcake Queen · 528 weeks ago

Bwahahahahaha! Oh, Mallory.

+53 Vote up Vote down

babblegail · 528 weeks ago

"Um, you gonna clean that up?"

"Nah, someone else will get it."

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+68 Vote up Vote down

protocoach · 528 weeks ago

At least everyone's spasming? That's good, right?

+35 Vote up Vote down

urspostrophe 122p · 528 weeks ago

You're really on a roll today, Mallory Ortberg.

2 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 528 weeks ago

“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”

“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”

!!!!!!!!

+43 Vote up Vote down

erma 145p · 528 weeks ago

"A great deal of consternation" is a generous description.

+32 Vote up Vote down

lemonadefish 112p · 528 weeks ago

They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”

Now I'm all hot and bothered at work.

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

+66 Vote up Vote down

Quinn_A 108p · 528 weeks ago

“The warmth and movement produced in the appendage in question was the direct result of the blood lying just underneath the skin; blood that would cover the floor and the other party were there even the slightest breach of skin integrity."

Totally on the alien's side with this one. I have told the "one time a guy TORE his FORESKIN INSIDE ME" story here before. It is not a nice story and I'm pretty sure it contributed to my lesbianism. (Which is fine, lesbianism is awesome.)

5 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+147 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 528 weeks ago

The other, when they did spasm, spasmed in such a way that suggested all was forgiven.

IT WASN'T THOUGH

+31 Vote up Vote down

Loose_Seal 85p · 528 weeks ago

This is a gold mine of ideas for the Valentine's Day card for my fiancé that I still need to fill out.

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

stowellwww 79p · 528 weeks ago

As the calamity wound down a terrible thought crossed my minds: where is the probe data? Was this subterfuge?

1 reply · active 528 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 528 weeks ago

So Tom Wolfe is obviously not of our planet:

Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "
http://www.theguardian.com/books/2004/dec/14/awar...

3 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

Ethylbenzene 119p · 528 weeks ago

Certain damp crevices were of great interest to them; other damp crevices were carefully avoided. There appeared to be little logic behind the distinction, but there it was all the same.

For some reason, this is cracking me up mightily.

+25 Vote up Vote down

alicia 114p · 528 weeks ago

Having recently seen "Under the Skin" I heard all of these read in Scarlett Johansson's voice.

+20 Vote up Vote down

redheadedwolf 115p · 528 weeks ago

“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”
THIS IS CLEARLY WHAT SEX IS ABOUT.

Love all of these. Especially the last, with the forgiving spasms.

+49 Vote up Vote down

liesandperfidy 158p · 528 weeks ago

“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.”

you're pretty fuckin judgmental, alien.

+54 Vote up Vote down

thedaela 124p · 528 weeks ago

Erotica Where The Terms For "Genitals" Have Been Replaced By "Vulnerabilities"

+18 Vote up Vote down

lauralyzer 105p · 528 weeks ago

“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”

Oh, I'm dying. This is so, so excellent.

+9 Vote up Vote down

trailertrashdeluxe 0p · 528 weeks ago

Quite hilarious. Very frustrating process of trying to enter a comment though. Please add one more vote for the greatness of "as if hiding from a passing predator."

+4 Vote up Vote down

RuncibleSpoon 107p · 528 weeks ago

I loved the last installation of this beautiful series (it's a series now!) so much, this is the best thing about this Thursday, hands down.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Sunshine · 528 weeks ago

I start to wonder how this alien's biology works, since it doesn't grasp human biology (in a very, well, alien fashion).

+27 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 528 weeks ago

OK we are making a *lot* of assumptions about how this alien does the sex but I'll go with it. I'm assuming this is a genderless grey blob type. Or a robot anthropolgist. If this alien has cloaca it has NO RIGHT TO JUDGE. Not that I have thought about this a lot.*

*I literally think about alien/human sex all the time

11 replies · active 528 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

sulagna0 121p · 528 weeks ago

This is horrifying. I am horrified. Please never stop writing. *recoils*

+25 Vote up Vote down

SultanaBrian 77p · 528 weeks ago

As an asexual, I can wholeheartedly agree with all of these sentiments.

+10 Vote up Vote down

soylouisebrooks 109p · 528 weeks ago

Amazing.

“Fluid was produced in three chief areas, but consumed in only one.”

WHICH ONE THOUGH WHICH ONE? More to the point, which three areas? ahhhh

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