Which Jane Austen Heroine Are You?

by Mallory Ortberg · May 5, 2015

Pride and prejudiceYou are not Elizabeth Bennet. Christ. That’s the only reason you clicked on this, isn’t it? You misunderstand yourself entirely. You have never been Elizabeth Bennet. No one in your entire acquaintanceship – in your entire life – has for even one second considered you to be the Elizabeth Bennet of your social circle. No one thinks of you at all.

You think that because reading Jane Austen makes you feel understood that she would have approved of or even liked you; nothing could be further from the truth. You are not playfully impertinent, you are coarse and often intentionally cruel. You say unkind things about friends who are not there to defend themselves and pretend you do not mean it; worse, you say kind things about people who are there to think well of you and you do not mean that either.

No one has ever called you “plucky” and no one will ever silently admire your good qualities while you play the piano. You should have been shot into the vacuum of space on your thirteenth birthday.

Perhaps you are silently congratulating yourself for setting your sights on a less obvious target. Stop it now. “I’m really more of an Elinor, or even a Fanny –” No. You aren’t. You are not even a third as reserved as you think you are, you have never suffered in silence, and what you consider to be “good earthy common sense” is in fact garden-variety self-absorption. You think of yourself as being practical and restrained because you are incapable of admitting you have ever behaved selfishly. Your nature is not passionate, it is self-indulgent. You are barely Caroline Bingley, and Jane Austen would have shot you with a handgun after ten minutes of playing whist together.

My God, I hate you. You barely deserve to be set on fire.

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187 Comments

  1. Eris +192

    I read this entire thing in Stephen Fry’s voice, and it made the last line twice as funny.

    1. slightlyignorant +28

      Agreed. Stephen Fry narrating the contents of The Toast would be wonderful. Then again, Dame Judy Dench or Emma Thompson would be amazing too.

      1. writingortyping +30

        As I have noted in the past, I met the man who would be my husband, dated him for a year, then we broke up for six years. After reconnecting, we married. So the structure of part of my life matches. I also have a father who resembles the Baronet in more than a few ways.

        But I don’t have any sisters and I’ve never been the retiring type, so that’s out.

  5. Tim +86

    This is fantastic and expresses my feelings for personality quizzes in a way I previously thought impossible for words alone.

  6. thelyesmith +71

    It’s true!
    I’m awful, and think that acknowledging it makes it better.
    But it doesn’t! It really doesn’t.

    1. JessieBeee +54

      I cycle between all three of those thoughts during my nightly Self-Administered Character Audit.

  7. cosetthetable +394

    Mallory, you are just so plucky to have written this. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

  8. erindubitably +66

    Okay but given the amount of time I spend watching cat videos online I feel that I at least fulfil the ‘delights in anything ridiculous’ criteria.

    1. thesaureye +87

      I always thought Austen was a bit too hard on Mary. Like, she was parented terribly, she is “plain” in a world where appearance is a big deal…but she just gets made fun of for being less good-looking and charming than her sisters.

      *hides under a rock, hoping ardent Pride and Prejudice fans are not offended*

      1. EnchiladaTaco +92

        I always hoped that Mary met a nice, non-Mr. Collinsy vicar or curate and was able to move far, far away from her annoying family. A place where she could teach pianoforte to plucky local children, and run the flower guild.

        1. Anna +57

          Jane Austen was asked by her nieces, iirc, and so there is a letter stating what happened to Mary: she married a law clerk in her uncle’s office (the Meryton lawyer, not the good one). This was not a socially beneficial marriage. Austen had a TON of contempt for Mary, and I agree, it wasn’t deserved.

          3. PhoenixEmber +10

            My cousin Rainy Kerwin plays Mary Lamblen in that movie! She is not Mormon, however, so it was interesting being part of a story with details she was learning about as they filmed. She writes and directs feminist films now. You can check out her work on Facebook. 🙂

          5. futureanthropologist +21

            It’s called Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy and it’s interesting… I watched it for a Austen adaptations summer course I took (YES I TOOK A CLASS THAT WAS JUST AUSTEN ADAPTATIONS). I don’t have much knowledge/experience with LDS so the mormon-y bits were just awkward add-ons/slight frame to a contemporary P&P. But it’s def worth a view.

      2. aurorabirdialis +84

        Mary irritated me on a few occasions, but I really felt for her when she just wanted to play the goddamn piano at the party and Mr. Bennet was like “that’s enough now Mary” and she ended up bawling all over him. Poor Mary. The piano was all she had.

      3. lunchinthepark +96

        No, Mary got the shaft, even in the epilogue, where Kitty goes to live with her sisters and improve herself and Mary has to stay home with her horrid mother. If Mary had been a modern woman, she would have gone to a women’s college on scholarship, gotten all of her pretentious epigrams out of her system and ended up a professor at a small liberal arts college. Like EnchiladaTaco said below, I hope she found a nice nerdy clergyman to be with. Away from her mother’s nerves and her father’s dismissive disapproval she could have read and played piano and debated theology and been very happy.

        1. Fancy_Pants +37

          YES. She deserves a better epilogue. I mean, what other personality choice did she have? Jane was the charming, pretty one. Elizabeth was the clever one. Lydia was the gregarious wild child, and Kitty was the…young one? I don’t know. But anyways the only slot available for her was the weird bookish introvert.

          I love what the Lizzie Bennett diaries did for her. Cool cousin Mary FTW.

          1. Unreadaethel +18

            And her father always quietly mocked her mother, while her sisters loudly mocked everyone else, so how was she going to develop a calm, even temper wrt her studies?

      4. JessieBeee +61

        Mary behaves like an actual teenager (though I know this was written before teenagehood was a thing), while her older sisters seemed thirty-five.

    2. beakbreath +51

      Yeah I’d assumed that by clicking the link, you were automatically a Mary.

  10. Jobrill +46

    Well. FINE.

    You can HAVE your silly Jane Austen Heroines!

    I always preferred to think of myself as a Jane Eyre anyway. >:[

    1. Trish +32

      “Poor, obscure, plain and little”, you mean? (Sorry. On the other hand, that comment proves that I’m a Caroline Bingley.)

    2. osutein +79

      I’m sorry, we ran the data, and… you’re a Bertha. Not WIDE SARGASSO SEA Bertha either. Just straight up pyromaniacal Bertha.

      1. mbculver +10

        Yeah, I often wish I were Jane Eyre, but I’m usually either Bertha or Blanche Ingraham at her bitchiest and most presumptuous.

        1. kokeefe11 +35

          Blanche is actually my favorite character and if I was ever to write a Jane Eyre fanfiction it would involve Blanche and Jane treating each other disdainfully but eventually falling in love and then setting up a commune with Jane’s cousins. #teamjanche

    3. builtahouse +8

      Mmmm I too have fiercely loved Jane since I was little.

      Imagine my dismay when, upon re-reading the book in adulthood, I match Blanche Ingraham’s physical description nearly entirely. (curvy/little overweight, black curls, dark eyes that tend to flash, and pale skin) It was horrifying.

      …obviously I should resign myself to my pre-assigned fate. And I couldn’t even pull off “bad bitch” though, so clearly I should go wander on the moor and die (only Jane could survive)

    4. grumblyqueer +17

      I am actually a Jane Eyre, in the sense that I am bookish, have a huge temper, refuse to date men for fear of losing my autonomy, and cannot evaluate a girl’s appearance without serious lesbianish overtones.

  11. Alliesaur +118

    Actually I was wondering if I’d get Lydia because I am a flibbertigibbet who makes poor decisions re: men.

  12. Nicole Callahan +342

    “You are not Elizabeth Bennet.” <–really harsh thing to say on my birthday tbh

  13. badmuthahydra +49

    I’ll have you know I play an excellent game of whist, Miss Ortberg!

    /flounce

  14. Jesse +34

    I’m pretty sure I’m Mr. Collins, but I might also be Mr. Woodhouse (without the money, obviously).

  15. sorrycassandra +111

    So I’m reading along smugly thinking Well, of course I’m not Elizabeth Bennet, that’s so clichéd… and then:

    “‘I’m really more of an Elinor, or even a Fanny –’ No. You aren’t.”

    Dammit, I fell right into that one. And Fanny wouldn’t say dammit, dammit.

    1. Munchlette_Belle +24

      It took me way too long to realize the “Fanny” in that sentence was Fanny Price and so I just kept thinking, “Are there really people who think of themselves as/aspire to be like Fanny Ferrars Dashwood?” Though that would probably be a more realistic quiz answer…

      I took a Buzzfeed quiz to find out how much like Marianne Dashwood I am the other day though. As suspected, I am A LOT like Marianne Dashwood. And I refuse to let Mallory or anyone else tell me otherwise! 😉

  16. irishbreakfasttime +137

    I appreciate that Jane Bennet’s name does not even deign to appear in this piece. Even if you clicked on this eagerly you knew you weren’t good enough for Jane.

    1. lunchinthepark +66

      No one is good enough for Jane. Even Bingley was just stupidly lucky to get her.

    1. mbculver +15

      Take all the worst of Catherine and Emma Woodhouse, mix with even more good intentions. Bake unevenly at alternatively 250 and 500 degrees. If it comes out all lumpy and weirdly cooked, that’s me.

      (I snagged a pretty amazing Mr. Knightley along the way, though, so I can’t be all bad.)

      1. Nicole Callahan +30

        honestly, Henry Tilney might be my fave Austen hero YES EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MET COLIN FIRTH

        1. depizan +15

          I love Tilney. After Wentworth he’s my next favorite Austen hero. Except, there’s a very small part of me that worries Tilney ends up like Mr Bennet, full of contempt and mockery for his silly wife forever.

          1. catcet +13

            Nah, Mr. Bennet married for looks and didn’t realize the extent of his wife’s silliness until it was too late. Tilney actually likes Catherine as a person and knew exactly what he was getting into.

          2. Roman +9

            I’m so happy to see all the Catherine/Henry love! Northanger Abbey is kind of the cult classic of the Jane Austen novels, I think. Like Mansfield Park is the one where Austen got lazy, P&P is the break out hit, etc.

          3. Nicole Callahan +21

            I’ve always loved Northanger Abbey, I think it’s just delightful, and everyone should come over and watch the super cute Felicity Jones/JJ Feild/Carey Mulligan TV adaptation at my house.

          4. silllarskitty +15

            This adaption single-handedly saved me from many an emotional breakdown during fevered dissertation writing – THAT FIRST KISS THOUGH – it’s so cute I want to cry just thinking about it

            Also, OF COURSE Tilney is the best hero – HE KNOWS ABOUT MUSLIN!

          6. ballisticjaguar +1

            Ah, I was just about to post and ask if you’d seen this! I love it, it has one of my favourite tv/film kisses ever.

          7. Roman +4

            Yaaasss! And then after maybe we can also watch Austenland, ALSO with the adorable JJ Feild??

          8. Nicole Callahan +19

            Nah, Catherine is young, she’s not silly. She learns a lot in the book, and Henry is no Mr Bennet – would Mrs Bennet have been the way she is if her husband had been different? I don’t think it’s fair to put Catherine in the same category as Mrs Bennet, and even she deserves a break given that she had five unmarried daughters and a spouse who was pretty indifferent to the very real challenges facing the family.

          9. leahrobinn +21

            My life and attitudes towards most things has been drastically altered since this Toast Official Stance on the Bennet parents first struck me.

            Like, OF COURSE Mr Bennet is an ass. It’s completely unfair of us all to laugh at and hate on Mrs Bennet when he’s there, stirring the fire, deliberately poking her in all her weak points, every day.

            I mean, their basic characters still stand: she’s annoying, he’s rather loveable, but realising the social implications of the way he behaves was a major moment for me, the avid reader who avoided English classes at all costs.

          10. EvaGR +4

            i’ll have to agree with catcet and Nicole. Tilney reads the books she reads and talks about her interests. Catherine may act silly but she’s not stupid. She grows and learns. She’s just a bit more immature and less sophisticated Austen heroine. She’s much more straightforward than the others without being coarse.

            Sorry but i jut looove that book and this romance. It seems less proper than the others.

    3. E. J. Jones +4

      Me too. Absolutely. And a little Emma Woodhouse because I like setting people up without saying anything to them and congratulating myself when the relationship works out even though I had less than nothing to do with it. 😉

  20. EnchiladaTaco +20

    I want to think I’m Anne Elliott, but I’m really more of a Charlotte. There has not been, and probably will never be, anyone remotely like a Wentworth floating around my life.

    1. Anna +13

      Have you seen the Lizzie Bennett Diaries? You’ll come away with a new appreciation for Charlotte! Charlotte rules!

      1. EnchiladaTaco +14

        Hell yes I have! I was one of those people frantically refreshing YouTube for new episodes. And you are absolutely right. They did right by a lot of the minor characters on that show. Obviously, Charlotte, but even Ricky Collins comes off as bumbling and well-meaning and not, you know, smugly, mundanely evil.

    2. lunchinthepark +29

      Captain Wentworth /sigh

      He’s really the best of the Austen heroes. So dashing and brave and self-made.

  21. osutein +120

    Heh, well I’m a dude, so I can go on continuing to believe I am a Darcy, sorry ladies… okay, maybe just a Colonel Brandon… fine, a particularly doofy Bingley on my good days… ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, I’M FREAKING MR. COLLINS AT BEST. Sheesh.

    1. kinbarichan +92

      I actually know a guy who has an I Am Mr. Darcy t-shirt. Every time he wears it, I want to stomp up to him and shout, NO, YOU ARE NOT. ( Or if he is, he’s 100% jerk Darcy-at-the-local-dance and 0% altered-by-love Darcy)

      1. irishbreakfasttime +72

        I can’t think of any motivation for wearing that shirt except that you know you come across as an asshole?

        1. kinbarichan +27

          I’m pretty sure this guy really thinks he is Mr. Darcy, and he’s exactly like what you’d imagine – too smug to be ironic .

        2. Grushenka +4

          i know sweet, nerdy guys who both have Darcy as their surnames. They are absolutely not ‘Mr Darcy’s except that they are. i suppose a joke about sharing the surname could pass as a reason to wear that shirt.

      2. osutein +136

        I’m almost positive that only Colin Firth is allowed to wear an I Am Mr. Darcy shirt. Like, legally.

      3. queen_bunnie +64

        one time at the end of high school a boy sat me down and very seriously offered to “be my mr. darcy” I sort of stared at him and then informed him “well this is awkward”

      4. cuminafterall +64

        Feeling the need to inform the world of your Darcyhood is the second least Darcyish thing in the world. (The first least Darcyish thing in the world is acting on that feeling.)

        1. Perdita McLeod +70

          Informing the world of your Darcyhood is actually very Mr. Collins-esque.

  22. Yarnybarny +33

    Fanny! Who would want to be Fanny? Jesus. That lady.

    ….Said Caroline Bingley. Obviously.

  23. ppyajunebug +70

    I refuse to believe that anyone has ever wanted to be Fanny. She is so far below the other Austen heroines she might as well be written by another author all together. She is a fun-killer. Emma would EAT HER FOR BREAKFAST.

    2. rukbat3 +2

      You should watch From Mansfield with Love! It’s the first version of Fanny Price I’ve actually liked!

      1. Trish +2

        I agree with you, Fanny/Frankie is a likeable character, but to me, she’s no Fanny Price. I somehow can’t believe that a modern Fanny would be so nerdy – which, in certain contexts, is regarded as a really cool characteristic, and ‘cool’ certainly is not a proper adjective for the original Fanny.
        Of course, I only watched until Ep. 24 and then gave up because I don’t really like the book, so I don’t know anything about her character development.

    3. sorrycassandra +56

      Yeah, somehow it’s hard to be ~~~~~feisty!~~~~~~ and ***SPUNKY*** when you’ve been emotionally neglected, shading into abused, for most of your life, and your family thinks you should be grateful to catch a douchebag dudebro sleazefest who probably has forty different kinds of the pox and has also been hitting on your cousin, in front of you.

      Fanny doesn’t suck. Fanny’s life sucks.

    4. Yarnybarny +5

      Yep. Fanny was the worst. And it killed me that her terrible, terrible relatives never got smacked. This was the first time I realized that I was not good because I burned with disgust when reading about Fanny Price. The movie is lovely, however.

      1. Tikabelle +11

        Hands up for knowing everyone’s business but my own.

        Let’s do lunch.

    2. maggiegrift +17

      Emma speaks to the Truth of Myself! And then people always say that;s their least favourite Austen book because the main character is so insufferable. Well, I think that means we’re not flattering ourselves to call ourselves Emmas!

      1. ballisticjaguar +14

        Amen to that. The best Emma adaptation is the Romola Garai one, I think she gave the truest portrayal of the character.

        1. mbculver +13

          Yes, that’s the best one, bar none. Everyone is perfect, especially Garai, Jonny Lee Miller and Michael Gambon. I may or may not have watched the last 10 minutes of that version more than *cough*20 or 30*cough* times.

  25. aurorabirdialis +19

    I went and found an actual Jane Austen heroine quiz and I’m afraid I’m going to be an Emma Woodhouse. I JUST LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE OKAY

    oh, nope, I’m Elinor Dashwood. I’LL ALLOW IT.

    1. projectbeks +16

      I always, ALWAYS get Elinor on those quizzes. Even people who know me say I’m an Elinor. I am resigned to my fate. But I do like that it means I am like Emma Thompson, personal heroine.

      1. aurorabirdialis +3

        I’ve never taken an Austen heroine quiz before. I wonder if I’d still get Elinor on other quizzes. I would be thrilled to be like Emma Thompson.

        1. projectbeks +3

          I would too! I think my first comment sounded a bit too self-congratulatory, but I really don’t think I’m grounded enough to be an Elinor. I’m too much of a weirdo for that.

    2. ladyimogen +20

      I get Elizabeth every time but that proud history has just been dashed away by MALLORY.

    3. eegghh +9

      I’m totally an Emma Woodhouse and I have no idea why you would be AFRAID, Emma is the best Austen of them all.

      1. aurorabirdialis +6

        Because Emma is charming and lovely but my gooood she makes a mess of things. I want to give better advice than that when I’m meddling, dammit.

  26. kay_hay +68

    “You should have been shot into the vacuum of space on your thirteenth birthday.”

    Yes! That’s meeeee!

  27. sigaloenta +28

    I didn’t know what this would be, but it exceeded my wildest imaginings.

  28. lesliejroot +18

    I had a lot of dramatic self-loathing going on in high school and I distinctly remember writing in my diary about what a loathsome self-absorbed Elizabeth Elliot I was and no wonder no one liked me. (Oh high school.) So I guess the Austen sword cuts both ways?

  29. bighairnoheart +23

    Oh, I already knew I was a Caroline Bingley at best. No Austen heroine comes close to my levels of bitchiness. I am fine with that.

  30. spectra37 +54

    This post seriously made my day because I had the hopeful thought as I clicked “Oh, I hope I get Elizabeth Bennet, even though In no way am I actually Elizabeth Bennet.”

    *reads first paragraph*

    *dies laughing*

  32. jenvega +112

    I am Mary FUCKING Crawford and all y’all bitches can hate if you want. Ain’t no feather from my Regency headdress.

  33. wheelofthyme +68

    I’m sort of a Mr. Woodhouse/Mr. Bennett hybrid. I’ll be in my study if anyone wants to marry my daughter.

    1. Lily B +5

      Hello Mother, I am Anne. Sad but true. I wear a great deal of luxury fabrics, I am constantly anaemic and ill, I have an extremly weak constitution, and so far, I haven’t found a man to want me. Of course, inside this pale, frail body, I am marriane dashwood. Passionate and joyful, filled with love for music and books. Also Whilst I wear luxury things, I can’t really afford them, i’m poor as a churchmouse. So to sum up, i’m a passionate, artsy weakling, with the worst health, living in a tiny apartment, surrounding myself with velvet and old furs.

  36. Smoot +33

    Well… yes. I’m not in possession of a fortune (either to offer through matrimony or deny by being an awful brother) nor am I a doting (or dead, or both) father. I don’t think I’d get a “yes, ma’ahm” (with the long ‘aah’) line in the film adaptation.

    Anyway, I’m clearly a member of the Starkadder’s estate up the road. You should see our woodshed sometime!

  37. phlippin +48

    Yes but where is The Toast quiz on which Disney princess you are, because I’m SURE I’m Jasmine!

    1. JessieBeee +52

      NO WE’RE ALL BELLE BECAUSE SHE LIKES BOOKS RIGHT? even though she otherwise stinks, and she really only reads romance novels, not even grown-up books

      (Rapunzel is the most intellectual Disney princess; when will she get credit for charting stars, doing math in her head, and playing chess with her animal sidekick?)

      1. sorrycassandra +51

        ew, romance novels, those are, like, girl books with girl cooties on them, maybe she should read hard SF or something else manly* in order to be a real geek instead of a fake geek girl

        *with explosions in it, because if there aren’t explosions, it’s not manly/serious enough

        2. JessieBeee +8

          Hey, reading is fundamental!

          Reading too much into things, however….

    2. craftastrophies +10

      Charlotte Lucas is my favourite Austen character. She’d be in my top 10 favourite characters of all time list. What i’m saying is, let’s be friends.

      I always get Elinor in the quizzes but lbr. I’d be Hill, or some other unnamed peasant person who doesn’t get to trim any bonnets at all, because she’s too busy washing other people’s ballgowns or whatever. Well I mean, MAYBE I could be Mrs Clay. If I’m lucky.

  39. Hannah +32

    I actually flinched while reading this brief, but accurate, summary of my life.

  40. Claudia +26

    Just got back from being told I need to have a breast biopsy (I’m totally fine – the number of times I’ve gotten freaked out by imaging tests to have everything be fine is ridiculous, so I’m trying not to freak out). Anyway, I needed this laugh and distraction.

    Also wanted to say that I just updated my resume and because of the nature of the job was told to put something relevant in the “Interests” section. Normally, I would never include Interests. So, I included the relevant thing and needed to put something else. My husband’s all, “Why don’t you put down, I don’t know, 18th or 19th century literature? Jane Austen?” Jesus, dude. Why don’t I just say that another interest is “Breathe air” or “Sleep.” Ooooh, Sleep. That might’ve been a good one!

    1. Tikabelle +28

      I can’t. I’m taking supper in my room because I’m ill and exhausted from not looking after my children.

  43. builtahouse +65

    Afraid I’m Mr. Bingley. I have too many platonic guy friends who I ineffectively try to make dance at weddings.

    (see, one THINKS one is Elizabeth, when you are friends with many Mr. Darcys, but then you realize that she wasn’t the only one close to Darcy, and you are in fact Bingley, and oh well, if you are going to be a platonic bff, you are going to make sure he doesn’t STAND STUPIDLY AROUND BY HIMSELF, by gum!)

  44. spillionaire +104

    “Mary had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached.”

    Said practically every teacher comment on every report card, plus all my college girlfriends.

  45. aiquale +42

    and no one will ever silently admire your good qualities while you play the piano.

    *sobs*

    1. danelleorange +19

      In my case, that’s probably because they’d be distracted by my playing the piano very poorly.

  46. caragreenham +26

    I am Emma Woodhouse, so I don’t have to care about what you think

    1. eegghh +12

      Those poor dears with all their cute little thoughts. It’s sweet really, but don’t worry, I’ll soon sort them out.

  47. amsfellowtraveler +14

    I am Mary Bennett, “deep in the study of thorough-bass and human nature.” I was relieved when my sisters and their girl-drama moved out of the house, leaving me in peace.

  48. amsfellowtraveler +71

    I am Lady Catherine, and I say this about many, MANY things: “If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.”

    Skiing… guitar… cooking an omelet… pitching a tent…changing a tire on my bike…

    1. Roman +7

      Are you me? I once told a guy who was putting air into my tires that exact quote. Not sure if it really impressed him tho…

  51. mslizwatson +50

    This needs to be required reading at orientation week for all women’s colleges (Source: Barnard alum). You are also not Belle or Jo or Beatrice from Much Ado.

    2. cosetthetable +18

      Hrm. I am now sitting here wondering how flawed characters ought to be before it’s appropriate to strongly identify with them. I mean, Jane Bennet and Beth March are clearly too good. So we tend to go with the protagonists that are just flawed enough- Jo and Lizzie and Hermione and such.

      It it less an issue that these characters are actually too good, or is really more the issue that, in high school, these characters make us feel understood, but at an AWC it all turns into cliche? Like, there are 20 women on the fencing team, you can’t all be Alanna?

      (Smith Alum)

    3. sishu7 +5

      Since I didn’t go to an AWC, can I insist on simultaneously being all of these people?
      (And also Alanna—thanks for the reminder, cosetthetable)

  52. bnharrison32 +8

    There was a terrible moment in my life not long ago when I realized that there was a more than decent chance I was Mary Bennet.

  54. typewriterandgramophone +6

    I’m Fanny Price, all right, but the one from “Of Human Bondage” with the messy blonde hair and the bad temper and the artistic ambitions beyond her talents.

    She’s another character who was *so* unfairly hated on by the author. She deserved her own novel.

  56. anninyn +12

    I am far too outspoken, sexually loose, inelegant, crude and over-indulgent of myself to be ANY Austen heroine. I know this of myself. The women I admire most in 18th and 19th century literature are nothing like me and would consider me vile and would not have me at their parties.

      1. anninyn +11

        I think I’m brighter and have better taste in sexual partners than Lydia.

        Aside from that, probably.

        1. Tikabelle +15

          Well, give Lydia some credit; she was not yet 16. Who among us picked good sexual partners when we were sophomores?

  59. Laetitia +19

    I AM MARIANNE DASHWOOD. I RUN WILDLY THROUGH THE RAIN AND CRY HYSTERICALLY AND GET SICK AND HAVE TO BE CARRIED IN BY ALAN RICKMAN. I GET WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT MUSIC AND LOVE. I PERFORM POETRY SPONTANEOUSLY. AND I’M NOT EVEN SORRY.

    I never wanted to be Lizzie. I always knew I was Lydia. Left with her arse of a father (yeah, I said it, Mr. Bennett was useless), and resigned to having to behave in the boring country with boring people and then being married off to some gross, respectable numpty? I would have run off with Wickham, too. And who cares if he spends too much? I’m now related to Darcy, who can just give us more money, and from a family who’s obsessed with looking respectable, I’ll be fiiiiine. And who cares if he strays? Why would I want to care about some nitwit husband when I have dresses to buy and balls to plan? Lydia married for freedom, freedom from the country, freedom from her father’s eternal disappointment, freedom from her boring elder sister Lizzie’s continual judgement, freedom from the restraints of being a woman. She broke the rules and won. It’s my headcanon, and I’m sticking with it.

    ………………Yes, I have thought way too much on this.

    1. Gatita +1

      You’re right. It’s why I didn’t like Lydia’s story in the Lizzie Bennett Diaries. Austen’s Lydia did exactly what she wanted and got what she wanted, while LBD Lydia was slut-shamed and manipulated.

  60. Jeanne Dumas +1

    Actually, I pretty often am playfully impertinent, but Elizabeth Bennett is not. She is a much more serious character.

  61. Dianne +5

    But I always knew I was more of a Mary Bennett, the kind of lame younger sister who isn’t as talented or amusing as she aims to be, but goddamn it, TRIES.

  62. enafucoy +4

    No one in your entire acquaintanceship – in your entire life – has for even one second considered you to be the Elizabeth Bennet of your social circle.

    I think the fact that Mallory found it necessary to explain what acquaintanceship is hurts more….
    I turn my chin up defiantly at you, Madam.

  63. Allison +23

    I am Kitty Bennet. Specifically, Kitty in the BBC production. The one who sees Mr. Collins coming down the road and declares, “I’m not gonna sit with him for anyone!” And then peers in through the window while hiding in the hedges to see if the coast is clear. The one who has to ask, “What is it, Mama? Why are you winking at me? Is there something I’m to do?”

    Oh yes, don’t just think you can wink at me and I’ll instinctively understand what you’re on about. And I won’t be sitting with obnoxious men for anyone.

  66. Stephanie +3

    I am not sure who I am, but I very much *want* to be Margaret Dashwood.

  67. Not Elizabeth Eliot +3

    I clicked on it thinking “please not Elizabeth Eliot, please not her!” So this was better. I live in fear of becoming Elizabeth Eliot.

  68. Ilana Walder-Biesanz

    Since I didn't go to an AWC, can I insist on simultaneously being all of these people?
    (And also Alanna—thanks for the reminder, cosetthetable)

  69. Jen Fure +1

    Bite me. I’m totally Emma. 😉
    Spoiled, rich, entitled, and yet somehow also caring and trying and failing to help my friends make good matches. 😛

  70. tanaudel

    Oh, Mrs Cadwallader! My heroine!
    (I'm sure she's an ancestor of Rachel Lynde)

  71. tanaudel

    I… think I just reached the age where these are my new literary heroines.

  73. susanintoronto +4

    I think I’m Margaret Dashwood. She has a whole unexplored future ahead of her.