Owl Faces In Order

by Mallory Ortberg · April 9, 2015

You’re gonna see a lot of birds in your life, my mens- and my womensfolk, and you have got to be prepared at any minute to look at em. Do I wish it weren’t that way? Heck yes I do. It’s not fair that we have to be on the lookout 100% of our days for skymouths, feather nuggets, reverse dogs, angel centaurs, whatever you want to call them, “air skunks.” The sky needs to calm down of birds.

Anyhow, I put all the faces that owls have in order so you know which ones to avoid from now on. Memorize and keep it with you always, thanes, for the world is full of birds and brigands.

owl2

This is a good owl face, got eyes like two dead beetles pinned to its nose, like how an owl should look. A good owl is scary the same way a skeleton girlfriend from a Tim Burton movie or an animatronic bird from a Disneyland ride that warns you you’re about to go over a waterfall but you don’t have any way of getting outta that log flume is scary.

owl1

NO. YOU LOOK DIRECTLY LIKE WHAT WHEN I SLICE INTO A MUSHROOM CAP AND THE FRILLY PART COMES SCREAMING OUT AT ME FROM UNDERNEATH. I DON’T NEED A BIRD THAT’S GOT MUSHROOM FACE WITH EYES. AND WHAT IS YOUR FACE OUTLINED FOR? YOU LOOK LIKE A NUCLEAR GHOST.

owl11

good face, good skull, looks like it would be real puffy if I wanted to pet it, big yellow eyes, points off for a beak that looks like a talon but overall fine

owl10

N/A

owl9

I like you, you look like a bird whisper, you can stay

owl8

it’s ASLEEP, that’s disrespectful to this process? come back when I can look at the components of your face properly, why are your feet in the middle of your body instead of one on each side though

owl7

lil bird-owl, I LIKE you, you’ve got a bee on as a hat and that’s sassy, you look open and ready for new experiences

owl6

I don’t like any of this, the bottom half of this bird is a waterfall and the top half (face) is folding in on itself? no no no, unbend your head

owl5

fine

owl4

this owl is a SCRAGGLY MESS. This is just a straight up REARRANGED CHICKEN. Do you have eyebrows? Do you have a PLAN for your face? This is not a bird, this is a reaction to a bird. Nope.

owl3

This bird looks like someone sliced down the front of an apple. That’s no way for a bird to look like. Jump away.

[Images via]

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204 Comments

      1. miprisci +111

        My favorite is that unassuming little chatterbox in the back. Just doin’ its thing.

        1. femaelstrom +195

          ummmm that’s the one chanting the Satanic rites, “unassuming” my feathery ass.

          2. historyfantasyfiction +8

            all birds have those! carnivores just have bigger ones 🙂 some birds just keep their horror mouth-blades a terrible secret 🙂 nature is beautiful

        4. beakbreath +96

          I clicked too and am personally DELIGHTED that those dopes secretly have vicious razor mouths. I assume this is what Al Capone looked like on formal occasions.

        5. Mira +59

          Am I alone in thinking that’s kind of cute? Like, it’s trying to be all scary but just looks adorably angry?

      3. rkfire +38

        It’s a testament to my self-control that I didn’t deafen my entire office with my laughter.

        …

        Still trying to hold myself together.

        1. tinypaperme +17

          I bet they’re best friends with the people screaming like goats screaming like people.

      4. rusty_spatula +24

        This kinda makes me think of cuttlefish? (Which are, themselves, terrifying.)

      7. StillT +11

        No. I like birds. I like birds a nerdy amount. But this is so many levels of not OK.

    9. roisindubh211 +39

      I kind of love the one on the left who waits, decides the biped with the camera isn’t going to do anything and hurries to finish his snack before the rest of the gang remember who has the vole….

    10. Sue +7

      The two hunched over, weaving back and forth freak me out – they look like some kind of furry animal with an owl face.

  3. Battle_Swine +156

    NUCLEAR GHOST

    SASSY BEE HAT

    AIR SKUNK

    I lost it at “straight-up rearranged chicken,” though. That’s when I had to get up and shut my office door.

    1. packedsuitcase +6

      I’m sitting next to my boss trying (and failing) not to laugh. I’m sending it to her tomorrow – she’s all for a bit of Friday levity.

  4. CCoops +18

    HAHAHHA I loved this. Owls are so neat! Have you seen the hungover owls tumblr? hungoverowls.tumblr.com

  5. sednarea51 +67

    How would we rank these Great Horned Owl nestlings? Are they awkward teens hiding out in the library, they seem very scruffy but nerdy
    hoot

    1. sednarea51 +45

      wait that one in the back’s definitely high, yes, I am voting nerdy teens huffing Wite-Out in the library’s back stacks

      1. projectbeks +27

        I keep coming back to this and trying to come up with a suitable caption, and I can’t, because I’m laughing too hard at the thought of the nerdy teen owls in the back of the library getting high.

  6. middlemarch +41

    Other birds to avoid: GRACKLES. My undergrad campus was infested with them and they have the deadest of eyes and sharpest of feet.

    2. bighairnoheart +34

      Ugh. Grackles are forever associated with the most unpleasant places I have lived in Texas. (So… three out of four places really.) The last time I lived there was while I was in my last bit of military training. There were trees full of hundreds of them, all shrieking at all hours of the day. But the worst part was that they kept dying of some mysterious obnoxious bird disease. Underneath the trees would be piles of mouldering grackle corpses, slowly decomposing in the rain as their still living brethren sat above them in the tree, shrieking and shitting on the dead ones while the piles got higher day by day.

      That smell will never leave me. Ever.

      1. GruntledDave +4

        San Antonio, maybe? I went to school there, and the grackles just swarmed from live oak to live oak. Ugh.

        1. bighairnoheart +10

          Wichita Falls. Armpit of the universe. (Semi-sincere apologies to anyone actually from Whichita Falls.)

    3. catoclock +55

      ONE TIME GRACKLES RIPPED OPEN MY TRASH AND SHREDDED A BUNCH OF USED PADS ALL OVER THE LAWN

    4. ehmgeebee +38

      GRAACKLES, a scourge! I once watched a one-legged grackle swoop down to a family eating fried foods on the patio at my restaurant. It hopped across their table, took a chicken finger out of the child’s food basket, and didn’t even fly off the table to eat it. It just locked a beady yellow eye on the kid and gulped down a cooked piece of another bird. Those dudes are ruthless, loud, and terrible.

    5. Mira +9

      Fuck grackles. They always chased any other birds away from my mom’s bird feeder! When I watched Sleeping Beauty as a kid, I decided Maleficent’s bird was a grackle, because no crow or raven could possibly be that evil. (One of the reasons I haven’t watched Maleficent is that I want to maintain that belief.)

    7. headfullofhoney +8

      GRACKLE FACT COMIN’ ATTCHA: They’re also the kind of dick bird that knocks the eggs out of other bird nests, lays their own, and lets the poor unsuspecting bird mum raise their bird babies.

      1. newglasses +12

        Grackles? The grackles around here can be annoying–they are (loosely) related to crows and ravens and other birds of that ilk, but they do not lay their eggs in other birds nests. They tend to nest in large groups, if there is suitable habitat, so they can be excessively loud and excessively poopy, but they do take care of their own babies.

        They will steal food and small objects if they are not stopped, so they are not without sin, but I still like them.

        Oh, and some people call starlings ‘grackles’ but starlings are not grackles, no matter what they (the starlings) tell you.

  7. deleted182847 +17

    Tarping the yard, car, roof and all in hawker-like bird waste. And of course…….the letters

      1. Justin +5

        The house, under drifts of letters, molting, and bird shit, now pushes the uncle to burn everything that is represented on paper.

    1. phlippin +5

      Daw, he’s at Blanford! (Or as we Michiganders say, blayn-ferd.) My dad took me there when I was little and I vividly remember seeing a little owl sitting on the bookshelf in their library.

  9. threatqualitypress +141

    here is a good image I found of how an owl’s face is really a lie:

      1. jennycieplak +20

        I’m reading the comments again because I love this post so much, so your followup was seen by at least one person!

  10. HandsInTheEyre +62

    Unlike in Twin Peaks, these owls are exactly what they seem.

    Two logs up!

  11. phlippin +38

    Mallory, I hate to break it to you, but Hedwig and her snowy owl ilk are freaking cross-eyed:

  12. celery +223

    The owl with the bee hat looks like it’s about to go on an adventure and learn the meaning of friendship with a random assortment of woodland species as supporting characters. There will be at least five musical numbers.

  13. flickspick +75

    The only thing I could think about when reading this was the episode of the podcast Criminal where a man is accused (and convicted?) of murdering his wife but then it turns out AN OWL PROBABLY DID IT.

    1. SunriseScholar +7

      Yeah, my sister is obsessed with that podcast so I put this on her page. The convicted man is Michael Peterson. It’s an interesting case.

    2. TheRenleigh +30

      Is this the Michael Peterson case or are there multiple owls framing men for the murders of their wives?

      ETA: I googled and it’s the same owl, proving that there are more creepy Petersons than creepy owls.

  14. Ordinarily +14

    Never trust anything that doesn’t blink.

    Correction: They do blink. Their eyes don’t rotate. My bad.

  15. grantimusmax +29

    Omg I just about had a heart attack trying not to laugh like a maniac in my office at this. Mallory, if I die of owl-laughter, I’m sending your dad the hospital bill.

    1. sednarea51 +26

      “death by owl-laughter” seems like a very Mallory sort of curse, doesn’t it

  17. RoseCamelia +5

    That first owl: did it leave blood on the branch? Did it wipe it’s talons after a recent kill?

  18. Blanche de Shambles +30

    “lil bird-owl, I LIKE you”

    You’re not like the other people here in the trailer park. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’re fine people- they’re good Americans…

    1. lschmeiser +14

      Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Everybody knows that a burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground! Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?!

      1. ehmgeebee +9

        They found his head
        Over by the snow cone concession

        Poor Bill Jr. A daredevil, just like his old man.

  19. salted_caramel +56

    mallory, your hatred of birds proves to me, unequivocally, that you get me.

    “The sky needs to calm down of birds” YES. THIS IS HOW I FEEL EVERY WAKING HOUR OF EVERY DAY.

  21. zolora +79

    I can’t find the picture I took because it’s on an old computer, but once a little screech owl landed on my porch and just hung out for like fifteen minutes. I sat down right next to it, and it did not care. It clicked its beak a little when I got too close, but that was it. Owls: occasionally very chill. Probably not often. Do not trust in the chillness of owls.

  22. YoungLeafedJune +45

    I saw an owl recently and I was standing there under his branch staring at him and he was staring at me and there was this blue jay screaming at him and dive-bombing his head, presumably because he was close to her nest, but he did not blink an eye. Just stared me in the face.

  23. laurenipsum +6

    Between today’s serious content (crying) and this (crying again, from laughter) I am very glad I decided to work from home today.

  24. perianwen +13

    I love owls. Especially snowy owls. But barn owls scare the bejesus out of me with those weird faces. No. No.

    1. LeastBittern +17

      They are subtly asymmetrical in the face only to find small mammals more efficiently via ear triangulation, and that hits you in the part of your human brain that is still thinking like a tree shrew. Also asymmetry. ASYMMETRY.

      2. Unreadaethel +3

        Also, they look as if they’ve been digitally resized, but the proportion’s weren’t locked, so they came out weirdly stretched on the vertical.

    2. bluenosegardener +12

      The worst is when you are watching a barn owl nesting box livestream and the biggest fluffiest owlet eats the tiniest owlet whole, and alive. The are seriously the ghouls of the owl world.

  25. Passing_Strange +145

    “Do you have a plan for your face?” is my new fave insult, thank you.

  27. wheelofthyme +57

    I have never been to a zoo with my husband and not had at least one owl go crazy upon seeing him and try to attack him. Zookeepers and other visitors notice. It has only happened with one other bird (a hummingbird that legit tried to pull his lips off), but since the hummingbird aviary in that zoo was next to the owl area, I figured the hummingbird was just owl wetworks.

    1. LeastBittern +47

      Does your husband have beautiful cherry lips and a either a deep baritone or a cigarette smoke and whiskey voice? Because hummingbirds like the red and owls do not like 1.) other owls, possibly in a human shaped tree, just hooting like it’s cool to be here and 2.) crows.

      1. wheelofthyme +26

        Yes! Yes he does! And also shiny black crow hair! Mr. Holmes, you’ve outdone yourself.

    2. wallofillusion +142

      Potoo birds have been one of my favorite birds ever since I realized what they remind me of:
      The way Allie draws herself in Hyperbole and a Half.

      1. femaelstrom +50

        Well now i don’t know how to feel because to me potoo birds look like demons that Hell itself rejected.

          1. h*** +90

            oh that was really really supposed to be a reply to the hyperbole and a half comment, now everyone will think i’m some sorta hell-denizen

    4. Kitling +22

      I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT IS A REAL BIRD. Google tells me it is but it must be a conspiracy. I’m not sure what for yet…doubtless we will find out what nefarious plans this trick is a part of soon.

    5. sednarea51 +19

      I just keep coming back to these images and laughing, quietly but helplessly

    1. vanadiumoxide +5

      (you click on Share about an inch below the video, then under the slew of icons and the URL tick the box next to “Start at:” and make sure the correct time is showing. Then it updates the URL for you!)

    1. projectbeks +2

      I had to cut and paste the link, but BURROWING OWLS! They are so stinkin cute. We had a nest near our house when I was growing up in the side of a nearby irrigation ditch, and every now and then a whole family would come and perch on our clothesline. The little ones were so tiny!!

  31. safvn +16

    I am not joking when I say this may be my favorite thing The Toast has ever published

  34. bighairnoheart +21

    Noooo. Thanks to a terrifying late night run in with Labyrinth as a toddler owls are now my kryptonite. I could write an entire piece on Things I Believe To Be True About Owls Despite A Complete Lack Of Evidence

    Taking a college ornithology course right now and my entire reaction any mention of anything even vaguely owl-like is a resounding “NOPE”

      1. moxycrimefighter +9

        I dunno, he looks like a go-go ’80s Reaganaut. I think he’d be down to clown.

  41. LeastBittern +89

    Latin for “Like sending coals to Newcastle” is “Like sending owls to Athena”. Delightful. Also the phrase is “ululas Athenas” which implies there’s a single Latin word for owling someone.

    Mallory just owled us.

    1. sansdromeda +26

      Wait. Is that where “ululate” comes from? (Wikipedias) Oh, no. Well, kinda. Its base and owl are related, but only distantly. THE MORE YOU KNOW!

        1. sansdromeda +12

          D’aww. *blushes, kicks dirt* Also, your username reminds me that bitterns are a thing that exists in the world and boy, do they look weird.

    2. juliadomna +33

      I’m so excited to tell you this! It’s actually ‘sending owls to Athens’ – the Athenian tetradrachm (one of the most famous coins in the ancient world) has Athena on the ‘heads’ side and a beautiful owl on the ‘tails’ side (obverse and reverse for my fellow numisma-nerds).

      FINALLY MY CLASSICS DEGREE HAS A PRACTICAL APPLICATION

      1. LeastBittern +5

        OK So like 100% of my Classics knowledge is Bullfinch and Wikipedia; is it true that Athena is only Athena in Athens, that in Thebes she was Thebe and in Mycene she was Mycena? That everywhere you go in Greece, the city is named after the goddess?

        1. juliadomna +22

          Ah, no, definitely not. Gods/goddesses had lots of different names and titles, but Athena was Athena everywhere. Plus, cities were often named for other things than deities, like their mythical founders or some significant nearby feature. This is complicated by the fact that some cities (including Rome) then just straight-up invented gods/goddesses for their cities retroactively.
          Thank you for the opportunity for Classics chat, I am here all week, try the fish.

      2. aurorabirdialis +2

        I love hearing about things like this.

        What is your favorite thing that you learned while pursuing your classics degree?

        1. juliadomna +21

          Gosh, what a good question… There are so many good things to be gleaned from a degree that involves ancient Greek and Latin and art and history and literature and and and, but the first one that comes to mind is that one ancient Greek slang word for ‘vagina’ was ‘tongue-case’.

          Favourite things people have learned from their degrees should be a running discussion here, I think.

  44. foxinthe_snow +31

    That owl’s got a bee in its bonnet.

    Or, more accurately, a bee as its bonnet.

  48. Joanna +6

    My fat calico kitten has eyes EXACTLY like the puffy acceptable one. Yes, she IS terribly adorable.

  49. bighairnoheart +9

    This is all just adding to my already firm belief that the most terrifying thing in the world would be a human sized owl.

    I will never sleep again.

  51. redheadedwolf +12

    “rearranged chicken” and “reaction to a bird,” ahahaha oh Mallory stop being so perfect

  53. msk +21

    I used to live on an orchard in Northern CA, and it was full of various rodent pests. Word had it that attracting an owl family could make a very great dent in these pests, so we put up an owl house. Big pole about tree height, little wooden shack on top. It didn’t work for a few years, and I kind of forgot about it. One summer night I was home from college, my older brother was visiting too, and we were up late talking, windows open. We hear this blood-curdling screaming sound, EXACTLY like a woman screaming would sound from a few blocks away. We jump up and run outside, and see in glimpses through the trees that there is an owl flying about, and it is MOST DEFINITELY making the sound.

    So along with everything else, barn owls scream like humans.

    Despite everything, I still think they are the coolest. Birds don’t bother me at all! How cool that we still have dinosaurs…

  54. kjschapira +41

    So this is obviously where I tell about Kirby the barn owl who lived in the house.

    Kirby was a foster barn owlet rescued by the two women who ran the Hudson Valley Raptor Center (I KNOW). She had her own room and her own chair in the living room, where she would perch. She’d imprinted on humans and could never live in the wild. My friend Megan worked for and house-sat for them at one point, and you could come over and see Kirby–full-grown at that point–sitting on her chair watching you. She put up with a lot of coming and going, but I saw her get upset twice, at which point she shifted her feet, puffed herself up, started creaking and hinging her wings, and HISSED.

    Kirby Freakout #1 was when Dire Straits came on the radio somehow. Kirby Freakout #2 was when she saw a big ball of yellow yarn that I was knitting with. My friend Dan: “Show it to her again!” Me: “YOU show it to her.”

    I don’t know how long owls live but I hope Kirby is still staring weirdly at her human moms from the back of the Barcalounger.

  56. Unreadaethel +12

    Not an owl story, but I was walking from the bus stop to work one day, and I was almost hit by a bird of prey swooping after some small bird it wanted. Literally 6 inches from my body. Light breeze, furious brown blur, and gone.

    So that was the day I was almost struck by a raptor.

  57. bird enthusiast

    IM LITERALLY CRTYING BC OF THIS ARTICLE LIKE WHO ARE YOU TO WRITE THIS OH MY GOD

    MY CHORTLING TRANSCENDS

  58. bucklemeswash +22

    This is one of my favourite Toast posts of all time! I have forwarded it to so many people! HELLO OLD FRIEND!

    1. CleverManka +10

      TBH, I’m enjoying scrolling back through the comments of these old posts. I know several Toasties better now and it’s charming to revisit the conversations and think “oh yes, she would say that” and such. Just…nice.

      1. sarahgundle +1

        I am finding so many comments now that I missed back then (particularly the comment about Latin slang for “vagina”) and howling with delight yet again.

      2. OoTheHumanities +1

        I was just thinking this! I was not yet a Toast! Now I recognize these people chatting a year ago, it’s like a hug from the internet.

    3. Rillquiet +13

      “The sky needs to calm down of birds” became part of my vocab almost instantly. Such classic post, very quality.

  60. grumblyqueer +10

    This reminds me of the summer camp I did at a bird rehabilitation center one year, where nobody was allowed near the nesting barn owls because if they got too stressed, THEY WOULD E A T T H E I R B A B I E S. Owls are fey in the old, otherworldly and bizarre sense of the word.

    1. anniekate76 +7

      “Sorry my youngling. A human came within 10 yards just now; it seems the world is too dangerous for one such as you. I shall re absorb you and one day birth you again.”

      1. halloweenjack64 +2

        “Or you’ll just be a pellet. Pellets are cool, though. Human kids like to pick them apart. So… circle of life, I guess?”

  61. safvn +8

    God, this is the best thing that could have re-entered my life today. I KNEW what was coming and still laughed out loud.

  63. daileinquent +1

    “Nuclear ghost” is the best combination of words I have ever seen in my LIFE, EVER. EVER.

    I wish I had the talent or inclination to start a death metal band, just so I could name it that. It is too beautiful a word combination to be wasted.