Previously in this series: Some Guy Named Tim Edits The Bible To Replace All Instances Of “Time” With His Own Name.
Genesis 4:11
“Now you are under bad vibes and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.”
Genesis 8:21
“The Lord said: “Never again will I send bad vibes because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.”
Genesis 27:13
His mother said to him, “My son, let the bad vibes fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me.”
Numbers 22:12
But God said to Balaam, “Do not go with them. You must not put bad vibes on those people, because they are blessed.”
Deuteronomy 27:16
“Bad vibes upon anyone who dishonors their father or mother.” Then all the people shall say, “Amen!”
Joshua 9:23
“You are now under bad vibes: You will never be released from service as woodcutters and water carriers for the house of my God.”
2 Samuel 19:21
“Then Abishai son of Zeruiah said, “Shouldn’t Shimei be put to death for this? He sent bad vibes to the Lord’s anointed.”
Psalms 102:8
“All day long my enemies taunt me; those who rail against me use my name as bad vibes.”
Proverbs 3:33
“The Lord puts bad vibes on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the righteous.”
Isaiah 24:6
“Therefore bad vibes consume the earth; its people must bear their guilt. Therefore earth’s inhabitants are burned up, and very few are left.”
Jeremiah 48:10-49:13
“Bad vibes on anyone who is lax in doing the Lord’s work! Bad vibes on anyone who keeps their sword from bloodshed!…I swear by myself,” declares the Lord, “that Bozrah will become a ruin and the source of some real negativity, an object of horror and reproach; and all its towns will be in ruins forever.”
Malachi 1:14
“Bad vibes for the cheat who has an acceptable male in his flock and vows to give it, but then sacrifices a blemished animal to the Lord.”
Galatians 1:8
“But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s bad vibes.”
Revelations 22:2-3
“On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any bad vibes. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.”
Tags: bible verses, religion, the bible, things mallory does for no reason
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Notes on a New Age Childhood
I keep envisioning these verses being uttered by my husband’s new age hippy aunt, and it works perfectly.
One time she said that the sixth chakra (the third eye) was closed in humankind when Adam and Eve left the garden of Eden. I engage in mild syncretism but I gave that statement a big ol side eye.
If only we were still in the garden of Eden, then you could have given her a side third eye.
You’re my hero.
shouldn’t there be a “bad vibes” tag?
Well, I know what I’ll be preaching on in a couple weeks. Thanks as always, Mallory!
How amazing would it be to do a series of sermons based entirely on the Gospel of Mallory. For my sake, she needs to do Leprosy next.
And then Jesus said unto them: “Dude, not cool. Could you not?”
I really want this on a t-shirt.
I really need to start keeping a list of things that people have said need to go on a t-shirt or embroidery sampler.
Once again I’m gonna call on Alan Rickman, this time as the Metatron, to deliver these messages.
I can see Jason Mewes slowly nodding.
Now reading these in the voice of Janice from the Muppets.
wait a minute does that Jeremiah verse actually contain the phrase “some real negativity” or
I had to look it up — the whole phrase replaces “a curse,” heheheh.
Oh, I love these. So much fun.
This gives me so many happy feels.
Heathen, frowning but nodding knowingly: Bummer.
I really want this on a t-shirt.