Previously: “Bring me my pain twin“/A movie star names things.
MUSICIAN: BRING ME MY IRON MOUTH
MANAGER: Do you mean your microphone?
MUSICIAN: BRING ME THE STEEL PRISON MY VOICE HIDES IN
***
MUSICIAN: BRING FORTH THE GHOST THROATS
MANAGER: I…backup singers
those are your backup singers
MUSICIAN: bring me the sound shadows who hide behind me
***
MUSICIAN: IT IS TIME FOR THE LIMB SLAVES
I DEMAND THEIR CAPERMENTS AND GIBBETING
MANAGER: Mmmm
we have had this chat before I think
they are dancers and also they are part of a union, so you cannot call them that
MUSICIAN: unleash the flesh puppets that move for me
***
MUSICIAN: MAKE WEATHER ON THE FLOOR
MANAGER: I’ll…I’ll turn on the fog machine?
MUSICIAN: YES, DIM THEIR SIGHT WITH FALSE STEAM
***
MUSICIAN: WHERE IS THE ONE WHO PUNISHES THE FLESHLESS SKIN BUCKETS
MANAGER: drummers have names
MUSICIAN: ENOUGH OF THIS
BRING ME THE MAN WHO COMMITS SOUND VIOLENCE IN A CIRCLE
HE HOLDS THE SECRET OF TIME IN HIS VICIOUS HANDS AND I MUST SEE HIM
Tags: humor, music, renaming things
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I feel like if music management was interpreting metaphors instead of massive logistics co-ordination, it would be the career for me.
“BRING ME THE MAN WHO COMMITS SOUND VIOLENCE IN A CIRCLE”
I saw Helmet about two years ago and their drummer for the tour had this permanent expression of shock, as though the sound violence that resulted from his punishing the fleshless skin buckets was novel and terrifying to him with each subsequent stroke, but he couldn’t stop. My boyfriend and I christened him “the drummer who was afraid of his drums” and refer to him often.
I originally read “Helmet” as “Hamlet” and was super-interested to hear about the production concept.
this is all amazing, but the jigglypuff picture makes it PERFECT
Would pay the price of a T. Swift concert ticket to hear T. Swift stage a dramatic reading of this.
I didn’t know Loki had joined a band.
See also: Conversations with Prince.
Well, now I know what I can call my baby brother’s high school drum practice from now on.
“WHERE ARE THE QUIVERING WIRES CAGED BY ELEPHANT BONE?”
“there’s…there’s no room for a piano on stage. I’ll get the keyboard set up.”
“AH, YOU THINK MY CONGREGATION CAN BE SATIATED BY A FALSE EUPHONIOUS PROPHET? YOU FOOL.”
Sadly, Brian Blessed’s prog-rock band broke up shortly thereafter.
I wish someone could get Brian Blessed–oh, I’m sorry, I mean BRIAN BLESSED–to do a dramatic reading of this.
I’m so glad that MrChouffe isn’t the only person who refers to BRIAN BLESSED in all caps, either in writing or speaking.
If the Doof Warrior had any lines, it would be these.
If I repeat these lines often enough, can I become the Doof Warrior? Because only then will I truly be living my #bestlife.
This is begging for an orchestra version of this from the perspective of the conductor and the Operations Manager.
CONDUCTOR: BRING ME MY CACOPHANY WAND
OM: Do you mean your baton?
CONDUCTOR: I REQUIRE THE SOUND SCEPTER, THE BRINGER OF TORRENTIAL MELODIES AND MIGHTY HARMONIES
CONDUCTOR: WHY HAVE THE SHINY MOUTHS NOT SOUNDED THEIR TUNELESS HOWLING
OM: There are no brass in this piece, did you forget?
CONDUCTOR: VIVALDI CAN SUCK A NUT, BRING FORTH THE METAL BUCKET CREATURES
CONDUCTOR: WHERE IS MY SMALL TOWER THAT I MAY STAND UPON IT AND LOOM, THAT THE VIOLAS MAY COWER BEFORE ME
OM: I thought we decided no podium today?
CONDUCTOR: I MUST HAVE A LOW WOODEN BOX UPON WHICH TO CAPER, THAT ALL MAY SEE ME AND DESPAIR OR ALTERNATIVELY BE ENCUED
I REQUIRE THE DEAD TREES OF AURAL PROPHECY
…are you asking for the score?
THE MARKS OF THE PUPPETEER WHOSE WHIMS DIRECT MY ARMDANCE, PRONTISSIMO!
CONDUCTOR: HAST THE ANGEL HORN SOUNDED TO BRING ORDER TO CHAOS?
Concert Master: Yes we’ve tuned.
CONDUCTOR: LET THE VOICE OF ANGELS SOUND AGAIN BECAUSE I FEEL THE PRESENCE OF DEMONS!
(Yay oboes!)
And a viola joke, please. No orchestra humour is complete without the viola joke.
Really, that’s the whole reason there are violas in the orchestra.
CONDUCTOR: WHERE ARE THEY, THOSE LOW AND UNWORTHY FOLK WHOSE ART HATH FORSAKEN THE KEY AND LO, THE TEMPO ALSO, THEY WHO SAW USELESSLY UPON THEIR SHINY WOODEN BOXES HUNG WITH INTESTINE? WHEREFORE IS THEIR PART MARKED WITH THIS ELDRITCH “K” UPON MY SACRED WRIT?
OM: I can make no excuses for the violas.
CONDUCTOR: RENDER UNTO ME THE PURE EUCLIDIAN FORM SUSPENDED BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH AND THE PEON WHO SMITES IT WITH A ROD
OM: Look, I’m not comfortable describing the triangle player that–
TRIANGLE PLAYER: No, I’m good with that, actually. You should hear what I’m usually called.
CONDUCTOR: NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT
CONDUCTOR: BRING FORTH THE ETHER-COFFINS GARLANDED WITH OVINE BOWEL.
MANAGER: the strings?
CONDUCTOR: I WOULD HAVE MY EARS PENETRATED BY THE RASPING OF HORSE EXCRESCENCES ANNOINTED WITH THE DESSICATED BLOOD OF TREES
$10 to the next dancer who names their recital “Caperment and Gibbeting”.
$10 to EVERY dancer who does so
Now that I’ve seen Mad Max Fury Road for the third time I can only read these naming posts in the voice of Immortan Joe
Every time the Doof comes into view I just hear Immortan Joe call out “GOTTA HAVE MY TUNES!”
Doof: “WHA? BRO I COULDN’T HEAR YOU OVER YOUR INFLATABLE PATRIARCHY SEASHELL.”
Was supposed to be a reply to renegadeoboe. Carry on
CHOIR MASTER: I REQUIRE SONOROUS BOOMING HENCEFORTH!
BASS SECTION: Hold on, we weren’t paying attention
CHOIR MASTER: AND MELODIOUS SOLOS ALL CRANING THEIR EARS SKYWARD
TENOR SECTION: We can do that!
CHOIR MASTER: BUT WHERE O WHERE ARE MY HOWLING DERVISHES, MY SHRIEKING EELS, MY ANGELS OF PIERCING VOLUME?!
SOPRANOS: WE HAVE BEEN GIBBETING IN CAPERMENT LO THESE MANY MINUTES
CHOIR MASTER: AHA! WE ARE ALL ASSEMBLED BEFORE THE GLORY OF THE BATONLESS HANDS AND BESPECTACLED STOMPER OF PEDALS AND IVORY, LET US COMMENCE THE RITE
ALTO SECTION: *sighs in collective resignation while holding a single A for fifty-eight and a half bars*
This is too real. Altos get no love 🙁
None whatsoever 🙁
My choir director, being a violist, is very good about picking pieces with interesting alto lines/writing interesting alto lines. Also, his mother was an alto.
BLESS HIM.
GASPING with restrained laughter omg, I definitely have sung pieces where the alto/2S line is the exact same note for the entire song.
I see someone has been doing Handel’s Messiah.
Shrieking eels. SHRIEKING EELS! I have never been more weirdly happy to be a soprano. *gibbers, capers, shrieks*
why does the word “flesh” make everything 1000x more terrifying always? somehow a back-and-forth with my friend turned into me saying “THE MOON HAS FLESH” and I’ve never been so afraid of words coming out of my own mouth.
(my friend was also very distraught. “But whose flesh is it?!” “well it’s the moon’s flesh NOW”)
I fail at guessing what MUSICIAN is actually talking about. A+
I hear all of this in the voice of Kevin McDonald from the “Bass Player” sketch. It’s much less imperious than the voices I imagine many of you are thinking of, but I am pleased with my choice.
I listen to a lot of crazy metal. This is not far off from the truth, just sayin’.
OMG, as a percussionist myself, I would LOVE to be described as THE ONE WHO PUNISHES THE FLESHLESS SKIN BUCKETS.
AHAHAHA, MALLORY. I cracked up laughing all through this, I only wish it were longer. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.
“WHERE IS MY CONDUIT TO ETERNITY?”
“Your what?”
“WHERE IS MY SHUDDERING TIME-BOX?”
“You…want your delay pedal?”
"WHERE IS MY CONDUIT TO ETERNITY?"
"Your what?"
"WHERE IS MY SHUDDERING TIME-BOX?"
"You…want your delay pedal?"
“YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE IN A RAINFOREST”
“AND IT WON’T STOP RAINING”
“AND EVERYTHING’S BEEN SCOURED WITH SANDPAPER”
“IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT”
“You mean a fuzz pedal?”
"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN A RAINFOREST"
"AND IT WON'T STOP RAINING"
"AND EVERYTHING'S BEEN SCOURED WITH SANDPAPER"
"IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT"
"You mean a fuzz pedal?"
I'd give my right arm to hear George Takei recite these.
I'm sorry, percussionist CANNOT be described as such, only drummers.
For anyone who watches Jane the Virgin, I imagine Rogelio saying all these things haha
For anyone who watches Jane the Virgin, I imagine Rogelio saying all these things haha
YAY! My first real laugh of the day! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
YAY! My first real laugh of the day! Thank you, thank you, thank you.