Previously: Signs a contestant is about to lose on Chopped.
- There is no acceptable size for a contestant to be during the Ring Toss. If he is over six feet and 200 pounds, hosts Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbajabiamila will worry about his ability to hold himself up. “That’s a lot of weight to hold up, Matt,” Akbar will say. If the contestant is any smaller, they will immediately worry that he or she is now too small to carry their own weight. “It’s going to be hard to keep himself up there with that small frame, Akbar,” Matt will say. “You’re right, Matt,” Akbar will say, as they cringe in their Worry Booth.
- At no point is any contestant asked to do anything that could be remotely described as ninja-adjacent.
- All contestants will hold one of the following jobs, without exception: none, gym owner, CEO of Clif Bars, computer programmer, goat farmer, carpenter, firefighter, parkour enthusiast (see “none”), stay-at-home dad, circus acrobat, professional MMA snowboarder, professionally recovering from a horrific Achilles tendon/collarbone injury incurred in last year’s run of American Ninja Warrior, chiropractor.
- Anyone who works with children or competes while wearing a prop is not long for the course; they lack the Killer Instinct and also look ridiculous in that hat.
- If a contestant does not have traps and lats the size and shape of couch cushions, they will die on the Swing Ladder, hanging uselessly like garbage.
- At least one-third of the male contestants will grow beards that seem scientifically designed to make the wearer unfuckable.
- Although no one says anything overt, you get the unconscious feeling that this is somehow a religious show.
- Twenty minutes into each episode, viewers sitting comfortably at home will go from stunned amazement at the feats of strength and agility on display to screaming “GRAB THE NET WITH YOUR FEET, IDIOT” at the TV.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.
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