Previously: Signs a contestant is about to lose on Chopped.
- There is no acceptable size for a contestant to be during the Ring Toss. If he is over six feet and 200 pounds, hosts Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbajabiamila will worry about his ability to hold himself up. “That’s a lot of weight to hold up, Matt,” Akbar will say. If the contestant is any smaller, they will immediately worry that he or she is now too small to carry their own weight. “It’s going to be hard to keep himself up there with that small frame, Akbar,” Matt will say. “You’re right, Matt,” Akbar will say, as they cringe in their Worry Booth.
- At no point is any contestant asked to do anything that could be remotely described as ninja-adjacent.
- All contestants will hold one of the following jobs, without exception: none, gym owner, CEO of Clif Bars, computer programmer, goat farmer, carpenter, firefighter, parkour enthusiast (see “none”), stay-at-home dad, circus acrobat, professional MMA snowboarder, professionally recovering from a horrific Achilles tendon/collarbone injury incurred in last year’s run of American Ninja Warrior, chiropractor.
- Anyone who works with children or competes while wearing a prop is not long for the course; they lack the Killer Instinct and also look ridiculous in that hat.
- If a contestant does not have traps and lats the size and shape of couch cushions, they will die on the Swing Ladder, hanging uselessly like garbage.
- At least one-third of the male contestants will grow beards that seem scientifically designed to make the wearer unfuckable.
- Although no one says anything overt, you get the unconscious feeling that this is somehow a religious show.
- Twenty minutes into each episode, viewers sitting comfortably at home will go from stunned amazement at the feats of strength and agility on display to screaming “GRAB THE NET WITH YOUR FEET, IDIOT” at the TV.
Tags: american ninja warrior, fitness, harbingers of doom, television
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It is my favorite show on television, I feel nothing but JOYFUL and PUMPED UP after watching.
I love it because the climbers always do well, they get to the really hard bits that all the “parkour enthusiasts” fell at and then they MAKE IT PAST because they use their feet!! I love it because everyone gets SO PSYCHED about women doing well, I think in other settings it might seem patronizing but everyone is just really happy for them and it warms my heart. I like that Matt starts stumbling over consonants as soon as things get slightly more exciting than they were before, I swear he calls Akbar “Arkbark” more often than “Akbar” because enunciation is the first thing out the window on this show. I love yelling at haughty Europeans who try to do fancy stuff on the salmon ladder and fail. I love that a large minority of the dudes on the show are almost definitely virgins because you know they do nothing but talk about ninja warrior training, but they’re not really broken up about that because they’ve found their passion. I love wailing and swooning over the muscular firefighters and farmers who have twee blonde wives and 3.5 children and a golden retriever at home.
The only thing I don’t love is that, despite commentary to the contrary, everything is easier if you’re taller. I (5’6″) have discussed this at length with my boyfriend (6’4″) and we are both in agreement. (Source: we climb/work out together)
ETA: “Worry Booth” is the best name for the booth, they comment every single run like a pair of labradors who are not sure if you are going to throw the tennis ball or not.
The tallness problem is especially apparent when it comes to things like the spider jump. There is a minimal leg length that you need in order to do that hopping maneuver between those two walls and it will take the shorties down fast.
“they comment every single run like a pair of labradors who are not sure if you are going to throw the tennis ball or not.”
Solid. Gold.
ARKBARK. You’re not imagining it.
I had no idea I needed this
It is a religion. The religion of the obstacle course. Only the greatest warriors shall reach Valhal – I mean, Mount Midoriama (sp?). This is why, instead of spitefully sneering at other competitors runs, contestants look on each other’s performances with an almost beatific awe. Look at them go! They struggled on that salmon ladder, but my GOD what a recovery!
I also appreciate how supportive and excited the competitors are about each others runs.
“Although no one says anything overt, you get the unconscious feeling that this is somehow a religious show.”
WHY IS THIS SO ACCURATE.
like i feel like they all go to the same church??
Yeah maybe like one of those baby churches that hold services in middle school gyms? And then one day they all looked around like, ‘Well… if we have to be here…. might as well do Church Parkour.’
OMG Church Parkour!!
Yea verily, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, especially on the durned Warped Wall.
Or maybe it IS like a church?
Matt and Akbar are the pastors or bishops or whatever. The spectators are the congregation. The present-day competitors are the disciples, with the more notable ones being like missionaries or evangelists. Past competitors Brian Orosco and Levi Meeuwenberg are the patron saints. Kristine (current sideline reporter) is the one you confess about your run to. The course is the gathering place. Running the course is a competitor’s act of worship.
I mean, I just watched an episode from last season, and there were TWO pastors. (ok, fine, one pastor and one ‘worship leader’.)
Half of Crossfit elite athletes are extremely religious (here defined as mentioning Jesus in your instagram bio). I wonder if there is a connection?
This is bringing back a lot of memories of nights sitting with my roommates and watching Ninja Warrior followed by Unbeatable Banzuke on the G4 channel. I wish they would do an American version of Unbeatable Banzuke since they do ANW.
I’m here to tell you that preschoolers LOVE American Ninja Warrior. I left the tv on one evening while making dinner. I came back to the living room to find my little frozen in the middle of the room, rapt in front of the television.
“Are you watching American Ninja Warrior?” I asked her.
Her denial was intense and defensive. I’m not sure why.
I feel like this could be expanded to most (all?) intense physical competition shows; I have distinct memories of sitting with my sister and watching American Gladiators, completely transfixed.
My family used to watch (UK) Gladiators together when I was young, and I loved it.
I don’t know about your kid, but maybe it’s the first exposure to freakish athleticism? I remember watching Michael Jordan like that when I was growing up. Unless you’re an athlete’s kid, you don’t see that in real life, and then you’re seeing these people who can do things that look impossible…I dunno.
Yes! My two and four year old ask us to put it on. (We DVR.) My four year old will say, ingenuously, “Let’s watch a show we ALL like,” and we know what show she means.
My kid calls it “the programme with all the things”.
Now I can see why I stopped being a Christian around the time I got really really into old Ninja Warrior episodes on G4.
It is certainly only a coincidence that these things also coincided with my time in an Existential-Phenomenological Psychology program in college….
My favorite part is how excited Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbajabiamila get for everything that happens, like every time someone succeeds at something it’s like they have successfully leapt to the moon
(“I have three sports heroes in my life,” Akbar said after Kacy Catanzaro finished her qualifying run, “Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and now Kacy Catanzaro.” Which I mean, yes, but also come on.)
The Day I saw (Witnessed?) the Kacy Catnazaro run, I posted it on every website I belong to, along with the tagline “wonderwoman is REAL and she is five foot tall!”
I have vivid memories of a cast party in college in which all we did was sip cheap liquor and watch Ninja Warrior. This was before American Ninja Warrior was a thing, and it was a pretty big deal that some Americans were participating. One of them was Levi Meeuwenberg who, aside from being a fellow Midwesterner, is also a passionate environmentalist. We posted videos of ourselves watching him compete to his Facebook page, and he was pretty stoked about it.
I’ve been watching this show for years and still haven’t gotten over the habit of saying a knee-jerk “He’s going to lose” the second someone falters. The thing is during qualifiers I’m usually right.
I love this dumb show, too. The thing I can’t stand is the editing/pacing! We come back from commercial and they’re like, “While you were away, these three people made it through the course.” Show me those runs! Stop with the backstory package for every contestant, just show us the good stuff.
God I love this show.
If I could have both this show and Takeshi’s Castle (AKA Most Extreme Elimination Challenge AKA MXC), I would not need any more shows.
Wish I had known that becoming an MMA snowboarder was an option when I was college. Stupid teaching degree!
Okay, Toasties. I was a diehard Original Ninja Warrior fan back in the day, and always saw American Ninja Warrior as a pale imitation of its far more difficult, grander cousin. Convince me otherwise!
The sheer positivity, good faith and inclusion on display in this show makes it so much fun to watch, regardless of your thoughts on the relative difficulty of the obstacles vis a vis other incarnations of the show. I feel like in other Ninja Warrior presentations, the course is the main draw and the Ninja Warriors are its instruments. In the current American Ninja Warrior, I root for each and every one of these limber, lovable numbskulls to defeat the everloving shit out of Mt. Midoriyama.
The sheer goofiness of the original is sorely missing from the American version. It’s why I’ve never really been able to get into it. Where’s the Octopus? And thong guy? And the impossibly coiffed trampolinist brothers who look like they’re in a Japanese boy band?
I still watch youtube videos of Nagano the strongest fisherman when I am feeling down. Does. Not. Get. Old.
also, he has a wikipedia page, and apparently released an album in 2011. what?
I really wish Esquire Network would pick up Sasuke/Ninja Warrior, only air it as it originally did in Japan as best they can (original airings these days can be close to three hours long without ad breaks), with the original graphics, and with English subtitles. I know episodes are on Youtube, but it isn’t the same for me. I also wish more women had success in this. Only one woman has completed a stage, ever, and it makes me sad. (Chie Tanabe, waaaaaaaay back in Sasuke 2.)
For me, there’s room for both. ANW gives me asskicking women, camraderie, and uber athleticism (for virtually everyone, even costumed runners, it’s Serious Business). Sasuke gives me personalities (Mr. Octopus!, the “All Stars” and the “New Stars”!) and passionate commentary that I don’t understand because I don’t speak Japanese.
I’m with you. I really, really abhor how VERY SERIOUS AND HIGH-STAKES the American version is. WHERE IS MR. OCTOPUS. HE TRIED SO HARD EVERY TIME AND THE ONE TIME HE MADE IT PAST THE QUINTUPLE STEP EVERYBODY WAS SO EXCITED FOR HIM. And the guy wearing the traditional thong underwear who was actually really good! And the gas station attendant who completed the course in his uniform MULTIPLE TIMES! It’s possible to take things seriously and strive for excellence while also recognizing that these are grown-ass adults and sometimes tweens spending their time on a giant obstacle course designed to make you fall like a fool so you might as well have some actual fun.
……i’m sorry i just have a lot of feelings about this :(((((((((((
And the gas station attendant who completed the course in his uniform MULTIPLE TIMES!
ALL THE SHINGO FEELS. He is probably my favourite Sasuke competitor ever. (Not to mention he’s the only one who’s competed in EVERY Sasuke to date.)
The first run I ever saw was Kacy Catanzaro doing the finals FLAWLESSLY, giving me the inaccurate impression that this course was easy for any solid athlete, because she just breezed right the fuck through like it was nothing.
Then I watched approximately 300 men fail and fail and fail again and honestly nothing has ever hit the satisfaction button quite so hard in my life.
Same here! Except then my ex-military friend was like, “yeah, I could probably breeze through that right now.” I mean, he was a navy corpsman who served in a recon marine unit, but still. I’m not trying to diminish any of these people’s achievements (especially Kacy Catanzaro’s), but it was a bit of a reality check.
This has become required viewing in our household. Everyone is just SO FUCKING POSITIVE AND HAPPY FOR EACH OTHER. It makes me smile and happy like no other show on television.
Why can’t there be more like this on television?! Some of the seasons of The Amazing Race feel like this.
brb got to set the DVR.
Wishing I had a DVR. BRB, searching youtube.
I also like Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbajabiamila losing their collective shit in excitement whenever someone showboats a little and plays to the crowd.
I have never been so sad I don’t have TV. Wow. I need this and also the original. It was the translated COMMENTARY of the original Japanese one that was so glorious, IMO. Someone tell me it’s on Netflix. Please.
Some Sasuke/Ninja Warrior is on Youtube. Most of the early competitions are up as they aired on G4; Sasuke 27 as it aired on TBS in Japan is there as well (though it’s missing a segment). 30 is up there in multiple parts, too. (29 is also there, if you don’t mind watching it alongside a recording of someone else watching it.) I think the commentary is more fun to listen to without the aid of English subtitles sometimes.
And you can buy ANW Seasons 4 and 5 through Youtube. $1.99 per episode. I don’t think it’s on Netflix or Hulu. You could also try iTunes?
Oooh, thanks so much for these tips! Now I can add it to my list.
So this friend of mine and I were watching American Ninja Warrior one night going on eight years ago and vaguely considering turning our friendship into more than friendship. We did.
We’re having a big gay wedding this month.
American Ninja Warrior will bring you love, is what I am saying.
YES, two more of my favorite things put together.
I haven’t been this pleased since 80 percent of Mallory’s other articles.
As of yesterday and an hour long youtube binge I am a fan. What highlights should I watch?
Every woman’s run that’s available on the show’s Youtube channel. The four total victories from Sasuke/Ninja Warrior. Sasuke/Ninja Warrior 2 (because Chie Tanabe — the only woman who’s completed a stage on that show).
I definitely pitched a piece to Slate last year about American Ninja Warrior and feminism and now I realize just how poorly I chose which website to send that to.
Every woman's run that's available on the show's Youtube channel. The four total victories from Sasuke/Ninja Warrior. Sasuke/Ninja Warrior 2 (because Chie Tanabe — the only woman who's completed a stage on that show).
Or maybe it IS like a church?
Matt and Akbar are the pastors or bishops or whatever. The spectators are the congregation. The present-day competitors are the disciples, with the more notable ones being like missionaries or evangelists. Past competitors Brian Orosco and Levi Meeuwenberg are the patron saints. Kristine (current sideline reporter) is the one you confess about your run to. The course is the gathering place. Running the course is a competitor's act of worship.
I was stuck in JFK for six hours the other day because of a canceled flight. When I finally got on a plane, ANW was one of the TV options, and it almost made up for the delay to sit in a magic wingèd machine and watch joyful people climb bungee ladders.
I was stuck in JFK for six hours the other day because of a canceled flight. When I finally got on a plane, ANW was one of the TV options, and it almost made up for the delay to sit in a magic wingèd machine and watch joyful people climb bungee ladders.
Half of Crossfit elite athletes are extremely religious (here defined as mentioning Jesus in your instagram bio). I wonder if there is a connection?
And the gas station attendant who completed the course in his uniform MULTIPLE TIMES!
ALL THE SHINGO FEELS. He is probably my favourite Sasuke competitor ever. (Not to mention he's the only one who's competed in EVERY Sasuke to date.)
Same here! Except then my ex-military friend was like, "yeah, I could probably breeze through that right now." I mean, he was a navy corpsman who served in a recon marine unit, but still. I'm not trying to diminish any of these people's achievements (especially Kacy Catanzaro's), but it was a bit of a reality check.
I made an entire bachelorette party watch this show a week ago for all of these reasons.
This is bringing back a lot of memories of nights sitting with my roommates and watching Ninja Warrior followed by Unbeatable Banzuke on the G4 channel. I wish they would do an American version of Unbeatable Banzuke since they do ANW.