The Language Of Flowers

by Mallory Ortberg · September 9, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-09-08 at 6.21.32 PMAcanthis – there is one fear and it has one name and you will learn it

Flowering Almond – that was not my hand, it was not my hand you were holding in the dark

Aster – if they tell you that they know me they are lying

Azalea – a drowning this year

Bay Wreath – the woods have changed, do not walk out of sight of the churchyard

Burgundy – pray the gods forget your name

Calla lily – a cat has your heart and will not return it

Columbine – never sleep anywhere long enough for the ground to learn your name

Crocus – TIME IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED

Dahlia – a cave, a sign, a road, a detour and a trap

Daisy – the sun sets sooner in the hills

Hyacinth – everything in the desert sees at night except for you

Iris – no no no no no, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not like this

Juniper – i won’t, not until you’re ready

Lotus – don’t look at it and it won’t get any bigger or come any closer

Myrtle – I will not forget you, even if you wish it

Orchid – teeth

Pansy – the sea remembers what you put in it

Poppy – cannot take it back

Rose (red) – you wouldn’t unsay it now, even if you could

Rose (pink) – it was the lighthouse, it was always the lighthouse

Tulip – who will be left to console you as you continue as you are

Violet – a poor man did his best for you and look at where that got him

Zinnia – end it, end it, end it, end it, end

[Image via]

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81 Comments

  1. plspassthePinot +63

    I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THIS WAS MY GREATEST FEAR — “Hyacinth – everything in the desert sees at night except for you”

    1. j_bird +18

      For me it was Myrtle: I will not forget you, even if you wish it. I suddenly felt my ex watching me. *shivers*

      Also, Lotus is too real, and too applicable to lots of things in my life.

  2. Frumiosa +130

    Ah yes, Mallory continues her full-blown assault on our ability to have anything nice in this world.

    1. eselle28 +6

      My last boyfriend sent me a huge bouquet of calla lilies at the beginning of our relationship. It was a very accurate prediction of our future, given my spinster tendencies.

  8. anniekate76 +117

    Sunflower: HI! GOOD MORNING! HELLO! HIIIIIIIII!

    (Sunflowers are the Simple Dogs of the flower world.)

    1. seasleepy +30

      Sunflowers: the strangers watch silently; they obscure themselves in leaves but you can tell they want you to realize they are there

      (I have a friend who is creeped out by sunflowers and after discussing it with her, I totally get it.)

    3. LeastBittern +53

      Sunflowers are hundreds of tiny flowers, packed together for warmth, endlessly turning towards the sun in desperation. Some of the flowers are co-opted by evolutionary pressure to cruelly mimic petals with their whole being, dying like sterile worker bees. They are monstrosities thick with the scent of the coming thousand year drought.

      But their meaning in the language of flowers is still “HI! GOOD MORNING! HELLO! HIIIIIIIII!”

      1. lesliejroot +15

        I’ve always been bummed that my birth month (August) is usually represented in calendars and the like by boring, inelegant sunflowers. Now I’m less disappointed and more… unsettled.

  9. Eleanor +21

    Yes, yes, yes–things I love always include jokes about the language of flowers being VERY SPECIFIC and also TERRIFYING

  10. bornnotpaid +18

    “Calla Lily- a cat has your heart and will not return it.”

    Chrysanthemum: feed to cat, reclaim heart.

  11. Either_Ada +60

    What the night-blooming cereus has to say was not mentioned. Maybe it doesn’t need to talk?

    1. whyandotte +22

      I am not familiar with the night-blooming cereus, but it looks like the flower version of that venom-spitting dinosaur they made up for Jurassic Park. (i.e. magical)

        2. spring chickens +6

          I have one! They only bloom once every few years, and for a single night. Mine has never bloomed — it’s way too young, I think. Working on growing it!!

    2. deleted7410012 +31

      it doesn’t talk, but when you turn your back on it, you feel a slight vibration in the air, like maybe there’s thunder miles away, far away enough that you can’t hear it, but you can somehow feel it.

      1. Either_Ada +12

        How is it that I tried 9,000 ways to explain this to academic literary types, you know, with the picture in front of them, to no avail–and you get it perfectly, poetically without my saying a word?!

        Clearly, I should have waited for Mallory and cited this post for my intro.

    3. fcjaugusta +34

      I’m pretty sure that one says, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

    4. LeastBittern +34

      It means FUCK ME MOTHS.

      This is a normal thing to give to a young hipster that you would like to know carnally. Make sure that they are unusually fuzzy.

  12. whyandotte +11

    Gooseneck loosestrife – a low but pervasive humming sound, rising and falling, almost like–

    1. LeastBittern +55

      oh sweetie i’m so sorry but don’t worry hold this piece of iron while i get some salt.

  17. Jenipie +9

    Calla lilies were my wedding bouquet. Had I known, bay wreath and columbine would have been better suited.

  19. ScriptioPlena +11

    And there’s someone who only broke my heart a little and he didn’t even know, and now I want to send him a myrtle branch and he doesn’t read this site, so he’ll never know. 😀

  21. projectbeks +8

    “Hyacinth – everything in the desert sees at night except for you”

    Were you spying on my childhood, Mallory? Or is it just common knowledge that I have (and always have had) horrible night vision?

    1. LeastBittern +12

      Carrots. See the death that’s coming to you, but bear no children. You’ll be fine. Fine. Probably.

  22. RudyRed +9

    Bleeding hearts: You think you understand. You think it’s so simple. But you don’t know what you don’t know

  23. sausagedog +15

    Orchid – teeth (Shudders down my spine. Incredibly fitting.)

    Daffodil — spring is here but you are still beyond repair
    Tiger Lily — pick out a disguise and change your name immediately

      1. LeastBittern +10

        I meant that as a comment on the daffodils, but

        Lavender – stay forever. stay until you are dry and brittle, so that we can rub against the dry remains and get your smell on our skin again. never go.

  24. LeastBittern +29

    Orange blossoms: He is too hungry. You will never be enough.
    Ivy: You cannot hide that you are rotten at the core.

  25. Household_Opera +7

    I really want to read (or maybe write) the story behind it was the lighthouse, it was always the lighthouse and also the woods have changed, do not walk out of sight of the churchyard.

    Also, I love the visual Dido Elizabeth Belle reference. Though I’m not sure I want to mentally associate her story with terrifying flower language.

    1. jenavira +9

      I’m pretty sure it was the lighthouse, it was always the lighthouse is Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer (A+, would be creeped out by again, sequels not necessary)

    2. LeastBittern +20

      Don’t get silly. If you met Mama on the streets after dark, she’d treat you the same as if you weren’t her child. Aunt Patty proved that last week – she was our mother’s favorite sister, and now, now we have this mess.

      We have to put what’s left of her in the ground because we’re people, we have hearts. But bunny, I keep trying to dig and my hands are bleeding. You have to stay close. I know you used to be the only one who could go into the woods and come back the same, I know, that’s why we’re still alive, because you were so brave.

      But I’m telling you bunny, I saw Mama this morning, as close as you are to me. She did not look good. I don’t know how long she can last. And she didn’t… she can still hold herself back, you know? If it were one of the others you’d have to dig the grave yourself. And maybe it’s because bay is the only green thing out there, maybe it’s because she thought it was Christmas, it’s certainly cold enough, but she threw this little circlet of bay at me, and that probably means she’s not strong enough to protect you anymore. It means the woods aren’t safe, you have to stay near the churchyard, bunny, it’s OK, we’ll burn furniture until it gets warm again.

  26. elsajeni +45

    Flowering Almond: is that “It was not my hand you were holding in the dark” or “It was not my hand you were holding in the dark”?

    2. 1sic1 +2

      I’m pretty sure “no no no no no, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not like this” has appeared in FL somewhere. Maybe at some point in the Seeking the Name storyline?

      1. Dhavaer +1

        Not quite the same, but finding a Night Whisper in the Forgotten Quarter ends with: ‘What is this? No… …no…’

    1. frankie0darling +13

      OMG MALLORY HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE NIGHT VALE THEIR STUFF IS REALLY SIMIL– [muffled screaming, scuffling]

  32. bugpaste +5

    I have a tattoo of a gladiolus on my arm, partially because it means “strength.” What fresh hell have I brought upon myself?

  35. hellebore_

    I have one! They only bloom once every few years, and for a single night. Mine has never bloomed — it's way too young, I think. Working on growing it!!

  39. crawlkill +8

    Mallory I have not read a good horror novel in basically my entire life and I feel like you’re holding out on us when is it coming

  40. Kalopsia +2

    There is a poem in this, which can now be expressed with the magic of flower shorthands.

    Azalea
    Myrtle
    Rose (Pink)
    Pansy
    Poppy
    Pansy
    Orchid
    Iris
    Azalea
    Flowering Almond
    Azalea
    Poppy
    Burgandy

  43. toko bunga bandung +1

    where is sunflower?. my favorit flower, or maybe the sunflower was speech impaired haha

  44. harga laptop asus

    Is anyone familiar with the [blank] Gothic meme? Because this is definitely Flowers Gothic.

    (I leave you with Language Gothic as the example I have closest to hand: