We’re Sorry, With An Enduring And Ghastly Sorrow, That We’re Closed

by Mallory Ortberg · September 22, 2015

closedWe are sorry, truly and with an overweening sorrow, but we’re closed.

The two aren’t opposing statements. We’re sorry and we’re closed would be just as correct. We’re sorry because we’re closed. We’re closed, and we’re sorry about it, but we’re closed just the same. The sorry cannot modify the closing of the thing. Nonetheless. Notwithstanding. For all that. The closing is as real, and as certain, as the sorry. We can offer you both, one in each hand, but the one comes with the other, as sure as brothers. We’re closed, but we’re sorry about it, if that offers you any comfort.

We don’t want to be closed, if that’s what you’re implying. You know what it’s been like, ever since.

Christ, are we sorry that we’re closed. It’s been a hell of a night out there. We’ve seen it, the things you had to do just to get through it. And we wish to hell you’d never had to do it. If we were open, there is no end to the things we would do to try to make it up to you. But – and please remember, we’re Christ-fucking sorry as hell about it – we’re closed. And there’s nothing to be done about it.

There are people in here too, you know. People we have to take care of. People who came under our door while we were Open. Would you have us abandon them?

Look, if – if in the morning, if you’re still here, and if we’re still here, we will be Open. And we will welcome you then. And there will be nothing sorry about it.

If I could, I would open like a flower, for you.

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29 Comments

  3. winterbymorning +111

    AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANNOUNCING THAT THE TOAST WAS SHUTTING DOWN

    how could you do play such a trick on me

      1. raqueue +46

        … what if that’s how The Toast actually does end, with one of Mallory’s humour pieces, leaving us wondering whether or not it was real?

        Stuff of nightmares

      3. OtherRoooToo +6

        there was widespread panic in the land you know as you see in the many corroborating comments
        at first i was afraid to click

        yes

    6. raqueue +43

      That was my terrified thought: “Noooooo!! I’m so sorry for all the times I had the adblocker on!! Don’t let this happen!!!”

  4. paintingthegreyarea +27

    Our sorriness about this closure is of such great profundity that Canada has offered us honorary citizenship.

  5. jimmyjimjimjim +10

    Waffle House doesn’t close for the apocalypse, but if they did this would be the press release.

  6. dakimel +11

    Uh, yeah, I would have you abandon those people who came in under the door.

    What about me standing here, impatiently rapping my keys against your glass door, leads you to believe I give a shit about anyone’s needs but my own?

  8. silverandsnow +13

    I work in a retail store and we do not have a ‘Sorry we’re closed’ sign, just a lighted ‘Open’ sign that gets switched off at closing time. Because by closing time I am in no way sorry to close and do not even care to pretend to be polite about it. And no, you are not getting in after closing time, I AM CLOSING THE REGISTER NOT STANDING HERE WAITING HOPEFULLY FOR MORE CUSTOMERS.

  10. Lady_Honoria +17

    There is a convenience store chain here that is 24/7 and they have big signs saying ‘WE **NEVER** CLOSE’ which is especially excellent when one empty and being knocked down and still has the sign up.

    I did see one being renovated the other day and they had an even BIGGER sign out front saying ‘WE RARELY EVER CLOSE’ and I couldn’t explain to my companions why I found this so funny.

    2. AnnaHowe +5

      For some reason that is making me think of the shop in Edinburgh which has had a huge sign in the window reading DIVORCE CLOSING DOWN Sale that’s been there for years now.