Queer Girl Pick-up Strategies That Rarely Work Yet Are Replicated Incessantly, in Haiku -The Toast

Perfect the art of
leaning on things. Once mastered,
hook thumbs into jeans.

Drink excessively
the whole night. When she’s nearby,
talk a lot louder.

Say “Hi.” Before she
can respond, run outside and
hail a taxi home.

Name obscure “shipping”
reference. When she does not
get it, run away.

Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don’t give it to her! Hope
she gets the “message.”

Knit your feelings for
her using symbols culled from
dream dictionaries.

Visit a witch store.
Not for spells, just to support
local queer business!

Tell her how you feel …
in Caesar cipher morse code
sent to PostSecret.

Hack her Netflix so
your fave films show up. Post “fate”
quotes on Pinterest.

Learn how to play pool.
Then how to ignore all who
distract from your game.

Write an acrostic
poem that spells out her first
name in Navajo.

Send her a text with
emojis of a peach and
dancing bunny girls.

Meet crush. Think she’ll make
the first move. She thinks you will.
Both die celibate.

When the bar plays
Tegan and Sara, nod your head
more vigorously.

Go to Trader Joe’s
any day but Saturday.
(That’s just good advice.)

Write a haiku book
(with cats).* Fill with deep longings.
Sign hers “TRANSFERENCE.”

* The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) comes out in April and cats everywhere are already disinterested and sleeping on your laptops like they always do. Sign up for Anna’s newsletter for more info, more haikus, and more transference.

Anna is a freelance writer living in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her here.

Add a comment

Comments (50)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

+125 Vote up Vote down

idrathernot 112p · 488 weeks ago

the art of leaning on things tho

Report

10 replies · active 488 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

walrathem 106p · 488 weeks ago

I may have realized I did this while chatting with a cute boy yesterday. I am a lady and I'm pretty sure this is even worse for flirting with guys than it is for flirting with ladies.

Report

+91 Vote up Vote down

chaarulatha 131p · 488 weeks ago

I once placed my arm on the upper part of the doorframe and leaned in slightly whilst flirting with a guy who was a bit shorter than me and he was NOT CHILL about it and I am still slightly mortified I did that.

Report

+125 Vote up Vote down

ThatOtherWench 109p · 488 weeks ago

I am slightly proud of you for doing that and a lot of "lulz man tears" of him for being like that.

Report

+42 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 488 weeks ago

That was an A+ Stella Gibson move, go you.

Report

+26 Vote up Vote down

walrathem 106p · 488 weeks ago

But it shows off your boobs and waist! There is no reason for this not to be a good move! (that's not why I do it, I do it because I don't like standing up straight for very long.)

Report

+41 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 488 weeks ago

Totally takes me back to my college days, to my first lesbian bar, watching my friend leaning against a wall and smoking and wondering why no one approached her.

Report

+45 Vote up Vote down

idrathernot 112p · 488 weeks ago

i really don't see why they didn't. i picked that move in particular bc it tooooooooootally gets me, tho i'd still fail to act, resulting in the later haiku of "die celibate"

Report

+29 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 488 weeks ago

"Die celibate" made me laugh out loud because it hit a little too close to home.

Report

+55 Vote up Vote down

atlasblue85 140p · 488 weeks ago

As someone who passed a trader joe's with a line stretching around the corner to get in two saturdays ago I feel this is some real, solid advice.

Report

+26 Vote up Vote down

twenty4as 104p · 488 weeks ago

I just had so many flashbacks.

Report

+85 Vote up Vote down

lesliejroot 116p · 488 weeks ago

I'm pretty straight (and married), but reading this and weirdly identifying with it, I wonder if I should have tried my hand at being bad at attracting women instead of focusing all my energy on being bad at attracting men.

Report

2 replies · active 488 weeks ago

+56 Vote up Vote down

pigeonsquid · 488 weeks ago

You could always join the ranks of we who are bad attracting anyone. Shyness knows no gender.

Report

+21 Vote up Vote down

Brie · 488 weeks ago

And my axe!

(Seriously, how to attracting? what are flirt?)

Report

+44 Vote up Vote down

the_lamia 115p · 488 weeks ago

The Tipping the Velvet one is TOO REAL, too close to home.

Report

4 replies · active 488 weeks ago

+88 Vote up Vote down

Lady_Honoria 92p · 488 weeks ago

Last year - LAST YEAR - I was like 'wait... she gave me a book of Sappho's poems for my birthday. In high school'.

LAST YEAR I REALISED THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Report

+41 Vote up Vote down

Lady_Honoria 92p · 488 weeks ago

Last.

Year.

(I'm not over it)

Report

+15 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 488 weeks ago

I've been there - which is why I love this cartoon about missed signals
http://www.autostraddle.com/saturday-morning-cart...

Report

+29 Vote up Vote down

Passing_Strange 101p · 488 weeks ago

Yeah, I'm pretty sure when I was a baby queer my "pickup" "strategy" was to sit in a cafe with a book about lesbians and hope someone would approach me.

Related: did not go on a date with a woman for many years to come.

Report

+103 Vote up Vote down

Christy · 488 weeks ago

Linger just outside
her art history class, but
miss her anyway

Watch Star Wars just to
have a reason to hang out.
Go on three dates--win!

Attend library school,
Announce you're a lesbian,
Guaranteed success.

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+38 Vote up Vote down

bookwormV 119p · 488 weeks ago

I recently finished my Library and Information Studies MA. In my first few weeks, I plucked up the courage to attend an event for LGBTQ postgrads (it was the first time I'd ever explicitly identified myself as queer in public). There were two people from my course there. Librarians are super queer, it turns out.

Report

+11 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 488 weeks ago

eeeee that illustration! DTWOF-but-with-cats book cover!

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

kelseybeyer 0p · 488 weeks ago

this is just some close-up spot art, in the book you will be able to see the whole thing:) i am impressed you could identify that book cover from just the corner!

Report

+55 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 488 weeks ago

Smile at her a lot,
And make sure you're doing that
Fuck-me eyebrow thing

Report

+27 Vote up Vote down

caragreenham 111p · 488 weeks ago

hello how can i sue you for so closely observing my life?

Report

+147 Vote up Vote down

quiescently 118p · 488 weeks ago

Post this piece on her
Facebook page. Give no context,
only "hahaha."

Report

+67 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 488 weeks ago

Admire her tattoo
Show her your tatto which means
Taking off your shirt

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 488 weeks ago

I, too, enjoyed the Wachowski film Bound.

Report

+63 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 488 weeks ago

Ask a mutual
Friend if she will be at the
Next women's bathhouse

(THIS IS LITERALLY HOW I AM IN MY CURRENT 8 YEAR RELATIONSHIP!)

Report

+81 Vote up Vote down

chaarulatha 131p · 488 weeks ago

Put on your best clothes
write speech declaring your love
Hide under your bed

Report

+75 Vote up Vote down

lucywoodhull 122p · 488 weeks ago

These are the struggles I never had to go through with my now-husband. I just flashed a tit while holding an X-Box controller, and then we got an apartment.

Report

+9 Vote up Vote down

heyingridhei 121p · 488 weeks ago

This is EXTREMELY timely.

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

heyingridhei 121p · 488 weeks ago

Although actually they make me feel like I am actually doing pretty well to have initiated contact not one but SEVERAL times, but I'm sure that will end when it turns out she will never love me.

Report

+26 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 488 weeks ago

OK maybe I have watched too many k-dramas but a good, smouldering, sexy lean totally works on me.

Report

+16 Vote up Vote down

laurensherm 106p · 488 weeks ago

Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don’t give it to her! Hope
she gets the “message.”

YEP. literal yep.

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

laurensherm 106p · 488 weeks ago

It's in the drawer of my bedside table right now.

Report

+36 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 488 weeks ago

Get extremely stoned
Kiss your best friend at bad movie
Never mention again

Report

+38 Vote up Vote down

saffiedarling 94p · 488 weeks ago

Hot butch online now!
How to flirt? Toast has my back.
Send link . Genius.

(I tried this on OK Cupid. It did not work.)

Crush is back in town?
Is it too late to obtain
alt lifestyle hair cut?

Refer to ex to
signal single. But ex is
male. Bi girl lament.

(Also, I really wish this had come out last night so I could have had ineffective flirting strategies beyond 'picking on her while playing Uno, but like, super meaningfully'. It's okay - she flies out for the snow season today so I have like four months to think of ways to not tell her I'm interested.)

Report

+26 Vote up Vote down

PierrePoutine 126p · 488 weeks ago

Leaning on things worked for Jordan Catalano, why can't it work for me?

Report

+28 Vote up Vote down

neuromanticism 114p · 488 weeks ago

You think she's gold star
She thinks you're experienced
Find truth together.

(true story)
(it went well)
(still together)

Report

+25 Vote up Vote down

Halo · 488 weeks ago

Queer chick blues:

She has sapphire eyes
And a sweet long term boyfriend.
Distract from feelings -

Make out with hot dude
Who's leaving town. She flashes
Sad eyes. GODDAMN IT.

Report

+23 Vote up Vote down

meganbelen 105p · 488 weeks ago

Goddamit. One time, ONE TIME, I'd like leaning suggestively to work. sigh.

This was a little to real though.

Report

1 reply · active 488 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 488 weeks ago

If it worked for Paul Newman, why can't it work for me?

NB: I can't actually recall a specific instance of Paul Newman leaning suggestively, but I can imagine it, and it feels right, which means it counts.

Report

+29 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 488 weeks ago

Discuss your feelings with your crush
until you talk the possibility
of getting together to death

Report

+12 Vote up Vote down

swords-and-spindles · 488 weeks ago

I am SO oblivious when it comes to other humans' advances* that I've resigned myself with the idea of becoming a crazy cat lady before I'm even 30.
I think I might need help.

* And am also totally unable to advance another human myself, and am also convinced that everbody gets sarcasm.

Report

+12 Vote up Vote down

April · 488 weeks ago

"Like" all her selfies
"Like" all of her cosplays too
Avoid her at con

(Okay I didn't avoid her per se I just didn't go looking for her, because I'm ten years older and have a boyfriend anyway, and there's no good way to be like "Hi I know I'm older and in a relationship but I have a make-out pass for conventions." And then she DID get flirty with me, but not until the last night of the con when she was drunk, so no. I'm not even sure she remembers. Blargh.)

Report

1 reply · active 466 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down