The Best Line Readings in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles -The Toast

Previously: The best line readings in When Harry Met Sally.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is the greatest movie about Thanksgiving ever made, and John Candy is one of the greatest things the human race has ever produced. He was a funny man, and he was a good person, and he often wore hats with furry ear flaps on them; today let us remember him.

Neal (in dawning horror): Those aren’t pillows.

Car rental agent (also the red-headed secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), slowly and deliberately, after Steve Martin has told her to “wipe that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks”: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.

Del: We can laugh about it now.

Del (with murderous, heart-wrenching sincerity): I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me.

Del: [Pantomimes drinking out of a flask, gestures to couple in adjacent car trying to warn them about oncoming truck]

The way you know the Cab Dispatcher is going to hit Neal in the face even before he says “If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me, or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?”

The way Del sighs “God, I’ve got a big mouth. When am I ever gonna wake up?” alone to himself in the ruined car.

Neal: YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU STOLE IT!

Del (worriedly, after revealing to Neal he has accidentally set his wallet on fire): Are you mad at me?

Del (jocularly): Our speedometer has melted and as a result it’s very hard to say with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

The shriek of violins right after Steve Martin asks “Well, if we can’t sit up in the cab, where are we gonna sit?”

The way John Candy’s terrible Jamaican accent (“I’m going to Jamaica, mon”) foreshadows his upcoming role in Cool Runnings.

Del: Love. Love…is not a big enough word for the way I feel about her.

The way Steve Martin’s cheek twitches after he hands over the smoking Diner’s Club credit card to the motel owner after the car crash.

The way Steve Martin slowly and silently realizes that Marie has been dead this whole time and John Candy doesn’t have anywhere to be on Thanksgiving as he rides the bus alone.

Del: I, uh…I don’t have a home.

The worst line reading in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: the way Neal’s wife breathes “Hello, Mr. Griffith” like he’s her long-lost lover at the end. What is that about? It’s creepy as hell.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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dakimel 122p · 592 weeks ago

I'm in a food stupor and cue this up for the family & they inform me they just watched it a couple of weeks ago. Without me.

Jerks. I'm watching it anyway.

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1 reply · active 592 weeks ago

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dakimel 122p · 592 weeks ago

Okay, all of these are 1000% true, and also, yeah, what IS with "Hello, Mrs. Griffith" at the end? So weird and confusing.

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Fluffernutter 111p · 592 weeks ago

The way I had to quickly excuse myself to go to the bathroom as soon as the first notes of "Everytime You Go Away" began to play so I could weep in private and without the concern of my in-laws. Dammit, PT&A. You get me every single year!

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Wallysierk · 591 weeks ago

How do you not know Edie McLurg by name ? I think she needs a retrospective.

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nonvolleyball 98p · 591 weeks ago

every time PTaA is mentioned I'm required to mention that the motel from the "those aren't pillows" scene is one of the few landmarks on the unbelievably monotonous drive between Chicago & St. Louis along 55. if you're ever making that trek yourself, keep your eyes peeled--it's on the east side of the highway about an hour outside Chicago (& about 20 minutes south of the oil finery in Joliet that I affectionately refer to as "fake Chicago" due to how it looks at night). it's been renovated since the movie, but is still recognizable as the same structure.

when you pass it, obviously you need to yell "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS." & then you've become an honorary member of my family, effective immediately.

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somethingthatneedsnothing 123p · 585 weeks ago

1. HOW DID I NEVER SEE THIS POST BEFORE? THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POST.
2. You forgot, Del (after adjusting his seat for the millionth time with a perfect self-satisfied face): Ahhhh, lovely! Lovely, lovely, lovely!
This is now a thing I say regularly while I lie in wait for someone to recognize it and prove that we are best friends.

The Best Line Readings in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

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