Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body -The Toast

Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 2, 2014 in Sex

“They mutually thrashed their softest, most vulnerable parts about in a ~~horrifying~~ normal attempt to seek pleasure at the other’s expense.”

“Their mouths, which mere minutes before had been employed in the process of demolishing and ingesting various foodstuffs, were now jammed up damply against one another while still being used for breathing, which must have been more than a little uncomfortable.”

“Bits of one jammed into bits of the other, dangerously close to some of the weakest and most important internal organs.”

“With absolutely no regard for personal space, the two of them created an unnecessary amount of friction, generating sweat in the process.”

“Some sort of gel emerged.”

“One sat upon the other, like furniture that sneaks inside of your body.”

“Her genitals engulfed his for some arcane purpose.”

“One of them put their teeth-cave directly over the other’s fleshiest appendage, but did not bite it.”

“His genitals emerged from his body with no protection whatever, so that any passing bird could have easily swooped down and carried them off in its beak.”

“They licked one another as if they were food, but they were not food.”

“They took off their clothes, leaving their soft and hairless skin exposed to dust, wind, cold, and various other deadly elements.”

“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence.”

“Everything was just a mess.”

“Various parts inched forward, then retracted, rather as turtles do.”

“Together they put all of their clothes in a pile on the floor, where the dog lives.”

“Only hours before he had used the very same appurtenance to urinate. He had not washed it in any significant way before inserting it into the other human’s body.”

“They writhed together like a Chinese finger trap.”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+72 Vote up Vote down

brookshelley 118p · 573 weeks ago

“Her genitals engulfed his for some arcane purpose.” - wyrd sex magicks.

1 reply · active 524 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

Girl Named Jack 117p · 573 weeks ago

We ARE pretty horrible.

1 reply · active 572 weeks ago

+196 Vote up Vote down

brookshelley 118p · 573 weeks ago

They made noises as if they were in peril for some time, and then as their noise crescendoed, they queried each other's need for "a burger or something".

+56 Vote up Vote down

ArsenioB_Ham 125p · 573 weeks ago

TEETH-CAVE

New band name, I call it!

+250 Vote up Vote down

malloryelis 142p · 573 weeks ago

I tried to make most of these as gender- and orientation-agnostic as possible so we could all share in the cringing glory of disgust.

1 reply · active 571 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

brookshelley 118p · 573 weeks ago

Their undeveloped mandibles clasp tight around protruding bits secured to their thoraxes with bits of animal skin.

2 replies · active 573 weeks ago

+99 Vote up Vote down

elsamac 121p · 573 weeks ago

During THE ACT*, I have to will myself not to consider my body qua body because it gets so distracting that I might have to stop, the same way that if you think about walking for very long, you forget how to, or the way that if you say a word over and over, it loses all meaning.

*In a file on my desktop is a list of the phrases with which I have invited my husband to THE ACT[s], because it amazes me that he continues to be able to mate with me in response to these phrases (and sometimes gestures).

3 replies · active 463 weeks ago

+179 Vote up Vote down

kramer · 573 weeks ago

Some day a bird will actually attack my genitals, and the only thing I'll be able to say is "Mallory warned me!"

+100 Vote up Vote down

SarahDances 143p · 573 weeks ago

Honestly, I don't know what else they expected from creatures made out of meat.

9 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+127 Vote up Vote down

drladybusiness 117p · 573 weeks ago

I am pretty sure this could double as a transcript of my cats' inner monologues during human sexytimes.

9 replies · active 573 weeks ago

+111 Vote up Vote down

ArsenioB_Ham 125p · 573 weeks ago

Then, finished, each human turned over and fell asleep, seemingly unconcerned to be lying in the amalgamated filth created by expulsions from various body orifices.

3 replies · active 572 weeks ago

+39 Vote up Vote down

ThatOtherWench 109p · 573 weeks ago

I wasn't halfway through when the "I must share this with The World" thought passed through my head. But then, of course, all my relatives are on facebook, which makes this somehow slightly different than the usual Toasted misandry I post there all the time? Hrmmm.

1 reply · active 573 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

thelyesmith 107p · 573 weeks ago

Reminds me so much of this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMkCPCWbmZk , which I found by searching "turtles doing it".

3 replies · active 572 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

thiscalls4soap 95p · 573 weeks ago

Which is why I wish to be reborn as Chenjesu.

1 reply · active 536 weeks ago

+157 Vote up Vote down

Jizzcliner 105p · 573 weeks ago

Oh look, Mallory Ortberg casually ruining another nice thing.

1 reply · active 573 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

kadyruth 138p · 573 weeks ago

YO! this alien doesn't know about human sex but knows A LOT about earth-animal habits. SUSPICIOUS.

(calmed down enough to read, love, enjoy, spread)

+53 Vote up Vote down

bumbleblu 82p · 573 weeks ago

"Everything was just a mess."

Yep.

1 reply · active 573 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 573 weeks ago

Mallory you really need to play Mass Effect.

5 replies · active 572 weeks ago

+124 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 573 weeks ago

Urrrrrgggghhhh the penis-urination thing is SOMETIMES A THOUGHT THAT I HAVE MID-BLOWJOB.

Ok, all the time. It's all the time a thought that I have mid-blowjob. Everything is terrible.

+110 Vote up Vote down

thewildland 115p · 573 weeks ago

“Some sort of gel emerged.”
BRB never sexing anyone ever again

+31 Vote up Vote down

jtradke 117p · 573 weeks ago

Welp, now I'm afraid of birds.

+5 Vote up Vote down

thebitterfig 72p · 573 weeks ago

That is, however, a sexy pen.

+42 Vote up Vote down

Kelly · 573 weeks ago

“One of them put their teeth-cave directly over the other’s fleshiest appendage, but did not bite it.”

This made me sort of hungry. Is that wrong?

+21 Vote up Vote down

DeLoreanGrey 127p · 573 weeks ago

Why do you do this why must you ruin even this thinggggg

This is the most effective form of birth control ever.

+17 Vote up Vote down

czargasm 124p · 573 weeks ago

I'm assuming this was written to be read as Croach the Tracker from The Thrilling Adventure Hour, because that is the only way I can read it.

2 replies · active 572 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

gingerest · 573 weeks ago

This sounds a lot like Anais Nin's "erotica" - my theory is she decided to punish readers for the fact she made more money writing porn than writing Real Litrachoor.

+75 Vote up Vote down

Libra_flyter 111p · 573 weeks ago

1) This is precisely what sex sounds like to this ace. There is too much intimate body fluid contact to consider it unless the other person was ridiculously darn special.

2) Which is also why when homophobes and co act like straight missionary hetero sex is inherently more sanitary and therefore not unclean both physically and morally - dudes, do you even understand what sex is? Sanitary really isn't a factor.

+54 Vote up Vote down

AmazingSandwich 109p · 572 weeks ago

I like that it isn't specified which teeth cave it is.

1 reply · active 567 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

MadgeMMC 2p · 572 weeks ago

this made me laugh so hard i immediately went to facebook to post and share it.
So caught up in the genius, i put "mallory" as my username (which it is not), and got nowhere.

Mallory, you're brilliant.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Remittance Girl · 572 weeks ago

Argh, will you aliens please stop maligning my genre? Pick on Romance, it's much harder to fathom.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Raz · 572 weeks ago

This is pure genius. With the ring of truth.

+28 Vote up Vote down

Rei Scar · 572 weeks ago

Pretty accurate, but they missed out the part where the squishy bits go into brief periods of intense, uncontrollable spasm.

+3 Vote up Vote down

Serai · 572 weeks ago

They're made out of meat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tScAyNaRdQ

+2 Vote up Vote down

ted · 572 weeks ago

This reminds me a lot of Colin McGinn's attitudes toward bodies. There's a hilarious review of his book on disgust here: http://static.squarespace.com/static/520cf78be4b0...

+1 Vote up Vote down

Johnny Ive · 572 weeks ago

Read Jonathan Swift asap please!

0 Vote up Vote down

A. Nuran · 572 weeks ago

As Roxydrew points out, human sex is boring http://www.roxydrew.com/?p=155

+2 Vote up Vote down

Phronk · 572 weeks ago

Amazing. Reminds me of this erotica written by a virgin: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E7K62EC/ref=cm_sw_r_t...

1 reply · active 553 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

antifuchs 0p · 572 weeks ago

I have been giggling about "some sort of gel emerged" for days now. Thanks for that (I guess).

+7 Vote up Vote down

Keith Lee · 572 weeks ago

Read those in Pat Robertson's voice...

+15 Vote up Vote down

preciousterrestrials · 571 weeks ago

Am I the first person to say Time Lords? I think I'm the first person to say Time Lords. Time Lords.

+17 Vote up Vote down

Bluh · 565 weeks ago

“Only hours before he had used the very same appurtenance to urinate. He had not washed it in any significant way before inserting it into the other human’s body.”

I have to say, this honestly bothers me for real. Not as much as it bothered me when I first learned about sex (I could not get past "we pee with that!") but still. Yuck. Everyone's like "pee after sex to prevent infection" and I'm like "How about cleaning yourself before sex? How about that?"

+5 Vote up Vote down

lucywoodhull 122p · 564 weeks ago

I smell an idea for my next romance! How can I help it -- the stench...oh, God, the stench!

+5 Vote up Vote down

Michifer 45p · 553 weeks ago

This is why I'm ace tbh

+3 Vote up Vote down

Michael SF · 527 weeks ago

Yeah, when you look at is logistically as an observer, it is pretty silly, the sex thing we do.

+6 Vote up Vote down

thelazyslinkyy 1p · 524 weeks ago

Damp mouth jamming is where it's at.

+19 Vote up Vote down

allrocksgotoheaven 2p · 524 weeks ago

Still a better love story than Twilight.

+4 Vote up Vote down

layrl 60p · 496 weeks ago

BBC's Sherlock. "A kind of gel emerged."

+1 Vote up Vote down

fleurdamour · 489 weeks ago

HOT!

+1 Vote up Vote down

P K MEnon · 472 weeks ago

The word ' genitals' looks like it does not belong to an alien vocabulary.

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