1. Don’t kill Hitler
2. Don’t kill Mark
3. Kill Mark
4. Fuck you Derek
5. Derek doesn’t exist
6. Don’t go back in time and stop Derek’s parents from meeting each other
7. Don’t go back in time and have sex with Derek’s mom so it turns out you’re his actual dad
8. Nobody tell Derek who his real father is
9. Don’t go back in time just to draw a dick on Mark’s face as a baby; that’s messed up and you really freaked out his parents
10. Who’s Hitler?
11. Everybody stop killing Mark
12. We can’t all go back in time and invent the skateboard, you have to invent something else
13. Yes we can, Mark
14. DON’T DO THAT
15. Don’t do what, Trevor
16. YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT THING THAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN
THAT WAS YOU GUYS
17. Everybody meet up at Trevor’s thirteenth birthday party
18. No going back in time and warning Trevor not to have a thirteenth birthday party
19. Stop going back in time and changing the alphabet so that “D-I-C-K” spells “Mark”
20. Stop going back in time and renaming Winston Churchill “MARK SUCKS”
21. Hey Derek I just went to the future and killed you
22. Fuck you no you didn’t
23. Don’t talk that way to your father, Derek
24. Shut up you’re not my dad
25. For someone who’s not your dad I sure did have sex with your mom then
26. Fuck off
27. Did I do it tomorrow or did I do it in twenty years?
28. Fuck off Mark I’m serious don’t fuck around I’ll just reboot into the past so I never live when you kill me
29. If you’d done that I wouldn’t have been able to kill you
30. Fine I’ll go back in time and find the secret to respawning so you only think you killed me and then I’ll go even further in time and I’ll kill you
31. lol respawning this isn’t a video game Derek
32. Ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｎｏ Ｄｅｒｅｋ ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｏｎｌｙ Ｑａｌｔｈ
33. The fuck is Qalth, Qalth’s not in this club
34. Ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｎｏ ｃｌｕｂ ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｏｎｌｙ Ｑａｌｔｈ
35. Stop dicking around Derek, be serious
36. Derek I didn’t really kill you in the future
37. Okay I did but I’ll go undo it right now
38. Ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｎｏ ｆｕｔｕｒｅ ｔｈｅｒｅ ｉｓ ｏｎｌｙ Ｑａｌｔｈ
Tags: i still don’t understand primer, laws, magic, teenage dirtbags, time travel
Oh my fucking god, Primer. That movie made my head hurt, and then people tried to explain it to me, and it made my head hurt more and now I like to pretend it never happened.
After I first watched it, I would wake up in the middle and text my friend, “Wait, but how did…?” It was a terrible time.
I watched Primer three times in a row, then went to lie down because my head hurt on the inside, then I went back in time to prevent myself from watching it the first and second time, and it all went really really badly.
The proper response to Primer is : non actors speaking from a non-writen script directed by someone who doesn’t know how to direct. It’s not even a movie.
This is very important: DO NOT WATCH UPSTREAM COLOR.
I totally watched that movie and didn’t remember until just now and I went and read the Wikipedia summary and now I’m not sure I actually watched that movie, because that summary somehow makes a lot more sense than what I watched, and is STILL nonsense.
And the extended rape metaphor and imagery! If you’re doing a thing on recovering from trauma and how no-one understands, fine, that is a worthwhile movie I have no desire to see – but if it’s about a parasite moving from human to pig to agapanthus, maybe… maybe don’t do that?
Yeah! I went into it for the whole “mind control parasite” thingy, because I dig movies with mind control sometimes, but I was not prepared for all the rape imagery, and for the awful and upsetting thing with the piglets. I wanted to put it on while I was doing other things, as a background movie, but I think I mostly just sat very still with a horrified expression for most of it.
We watched it with an even gender split. Everyone was rigid with fear and discomfort.
Husband, “I don’t know why I find this so disturbing.”
Every woman there in unison, “RAPE. Rape metaphor.”
Husband, “Oh. Oh. I see.”
Aww, I liked both these movies 🙁
I will also say, thinking about it now, DO NOT WATCH CONTRACTED. Not related to Primer or to Upstream Color (except in the ecchy extended rape metaphor department).
Unless you feel like watching one of the best movies of last year. Then please do watch it.
how do I get the timeline where it rains donuts?
Is the first rule a reference to Wikihistory?
I think so! Fun Fact, me and some other people made a whole damn Tumblr about those guys, a kind of Lonely Planet Guide To Time Travel
http://time2travelguide.tumblr.com/
Sí sí sí
I am glad I am not the only one who doesn’t understand Primer.
Find me someone who DOES understand Primer. Then we will beat them.
With sticks.
Perfect.
The final endpoint for all characters is WHO GIVES A FUCK WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS BORING ASS MOVIE JESUS CHRIST BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III IS ON NETFLIX I WILL WATCH THAT INSTEAD.
HELLO, FLYING TRAINS, OF COURSE WE SHOULD WATCH THAT
Oooh…I wish, I wish I hadn’t killed that fish.
I hate Primer. THERE, I SAID IT.
Ugh, freshman year of college, my friend’s pretentious film snob of a roommate made us watch Primer, so I hate it on principle.
Time travel as a plot device is far too complicated for when you just want to be mindlessly entertained by a movie! I can only endorse time travel plots when you’re not forced to think too hard about the consequences (ie; Bill and Ted) or when they involve Ron and Dumbledore.
That’s why I kind of loved Looper. They didn’t even bother to try to explain it.
“I don’t want to talk about time travel because if we start talking about it then we’re going to be here all day talking about it, making diagrams with straws.”
The highly-regarding time travel film Timeline had a similar strategy (Paul Walker yelling, “I don’t care about the hows or the whys!” and cutting off any attempts at exposition. We still deploy this phrase with some frequency in my household.)
I read that as “cutting off any attempts with explosions” because Paul Walker.
Looper, whose Time Travel Consultant (coolest credit possible in the entertainment industry) was Shane Carruth, director of Primer.
May I recommend Hot Tub Time Machine? I’d like to recommend Hot Tub Time Machine. Because that’s it, that’s the plot. Just a hot tub that is a time machine.
Best “it does just what it says on the tin” movie since Snakes on a Plane.
“Shut up queer”
“you’re the queer”
“wait, shit, how many times have I gone back again”
Oh god. Quick, nobody invent time travel!
I’d totally save you if we did have time travel and set you loose in modern day San Diego.
Seeing as these time travelers are both necessarily bisexual (referencing Ortbergian Ronbledorology, the seminal work on this topic) let’s hear a little more about Mark/Derek’s DAD, EH? eh?
brb getting my PhD in Ortbergian Ronbledorology
I re-watched the old subtitled Sailor Moons they released on Hulu yesterday, and I’m going to level with you guys, I STILL don’t understand the time travel in that show. Usagi/Serena is the moon princess in the future, who her mother sent back in time to be reborn in the past? Can someone explain the plot of this children’s show to me?
I haven’t actually watched it myself, but I have read people discussing it, and I’m pretty sure that what you thought was the future was actually the past. It’s just that the past was more technologically advanced and awesome than the present, then everything got ruined, and all the awesome stuff was lost to history. So, there’s no time travel at all, just bog-standard moon princess reincarnation.
Well I know their future daughter possibly from another life visits, so there is definitely some non reincarnation time travel.
Hi, I’m catching up on the toast after several days away. Spoilers for the whole damn series:
IN THE PAST: Queen Serenity ruled the Moon Kingdom, all was well until Queen Beryl fell in love with Prince Endymion and hooked up with Chaos to fuck shit up. When everybody got killed, Queen Serenity saved the soul/essence/star seed/rainbow crystal/whatever of Princess Serenity and also those of the prince and the rest of the Sailor Senshi.
IN THE PRESENT: Princess Serenity has been reincarnated as Tsukino Usagi/Serena, modern-day Tokyo teen, who has the powers of Sailor Moon. After an indeterminate amount of time, she and Chiba Mamoru/Darien (Tuxedo Mask, formerly Prince Endymion) create a new Silver Millenium, the seat of which is Crystal Tokyo, and rule indefinitely. At this point Usagi becomes a second Queen Serenity and Mamoru becomes King Endymion.
At some point in here, moving INTO THE FUTURE, they have a daughter, also named Usagi but called Chibi-Usa, with the pink hair. Chibi-Usa uses a Time Key, obtained from Sailor Pluto (soldier of time) to travel back to The Present where Usagi is still a teenager and hang out. At various points in the Sailor Moon R season the present-day Sailor Moon and her senshi travel into The Future to meet up with the future King Endymion and fight various battles.
I SWEAR THIS MAKES MORE SENSE IN CONTEXT. How much did you watch?
Thank You!! I didn’t realize the Future versions were the same timeline because apparently they now live/rule for something like a thousand years? I think part of the problem is that I have seen a combination of the English dubs and the subtitled Japanese ones. I watched most of it when I was a teenager but constantly felt like I was missing something because of the way the storyline was edited for Americans.
Is Dirtbag Time Travelers redundant? Or are all time travelers dirtbags by definition? Be right back.
Timestream just choked with gay dirtbags.
1 . I liked Primer
2. I loved Upstream Color
3. This article is funny
4. ALL HAIL QALTH
Best "it does just what it says on the tin" movie since Snakes on a Plane.