Dirtbag Apollo -The Toast

Dirtbag Apollo

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on October 21, 2014 in Dirtbags

Previously: Dirtbag Zeus.

APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot
DAPHNE: i’m so sorry
have we met?
APOLLO: we havent met
but you know me
DAPHNE: sorry?
APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN
DAPHNE: what?
APOLLO: youre welcome
hey let me touch your skin for a while
DAPHNE: i have to
no
[DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him]
APOLLO: so do you
turn into trees a lot
i’ve always thought that trees were the sexiest plant
never did it with a tree before but

[APOLLO emerges from the cave at Delphi with the body of the slain PYTHON]
APOLLO: people of Delphi
rejoice
you shall be troubled no more by this beast
I have slain the giant snake that could not be brought low by mortal hands
VILLAGER #1: thank you, Apollo
VILLAGER #2: yes thank you, Lord
[APOLLO drops the snake and stretches]
APOLLO: you know what other giant snake cannot be brought low by mortal hands

APOLLO: babe i love you so much
HYACINTHUS: i love you too
[a jealous ZEPHYR blows APOLLO’s discus off-course, killing HYACINTHUS]
APOLLO: i will never forget you
HYACINTHUS: i…
APOLLO: oh fuck real quick before you go what was your name
so i can remember it forever
[HYACINTHUS dies]
APOLLO: im going to call you
Hank
you look like you were probably a Hank

LETO: i’m so upset
ARTEMIS: what is it, mom
APOLLO: yeah what’s wrong
LETO: it’s Niobe, she’s insulted me
because she has fourteen children and I only have two
she thinks she’s better than me
APOLLO: she doesnt have fourteen children
LETO: what?
how do you know that?
APOLLO: because i just killed like
six of them
so she has AT MOST eight
seven
hang on i think i can pick off the rest from here

APOLLO: man its hot out
sun’s really doing his job today
better take my shirt off
[APOLLO takes off all of his clothes]
i see you noticed me taking my shirt off
NYMPH: i didn’t say anything
APOLLO: you probably recognize me
from statues
guilty
its me
NYMPH: i dont know what you’re talking about
APOLLO: how would you like to have a flower named after you

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (83)

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+102 Vote up Vote down

leider_hosen 105p · 542 weeks ago

babe
babe ur so hot
babe wat r u doing
oh ur a tree
k, im still into it

ahahaha Apollo is THE WORST, what an asshole. This is my favorite thing.

1 reply · active 542 weeks ago

+63 Vote up Vote down

houblonchouffe 123p · 542 weeks ago

other snake

+214 Vote up Vote down

pantone292 140p · 542 weeks ago

APOLLO: hey
hey
hey
wanna bone
CASSANDRA: uh
no
thank you
APOLLO: WOW UGH fuck EVERYTHING you are the WOOOOORST i am going to ruin everything you love!!!!!
and give you the ability to predict the future BUT no one will ever believe you
before they die
like i said everyone will die
CASSANDRA: ...
APOLLO: quick q
in the future
do you see us boning

4 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+95 Vote up Vote down

thescelosaurus 117p · 542 weeks ago

APOLLO: artemis
artemis
i know you're in charge of the moon, and it's supposed to be waning crescent tonight, or whatever
but
i think it's time for a full moon
if you know what i mean
ARTEMIS: [sigh]

9 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

wallpaperori 118p · 542 weeks ago

APOLLO: see this wreath in my hair
cool, right?
yeah, she and I used to have a thing
you seem good at sports
want one too?

5 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+200 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 542 weeks ago

APOLLO: hang on I think I can pick off the rest from here
[ARTEMIS skateboards in front of him, shooting seven arrows at once into the hearts of Niobe's daughters]
ARTEMIS: yoink

9 replies · active 541 weeks ago

+109 Vote up Vote down

britomartian 138p · 542 weeks ago

In my mind Dirtbag Apollo has the same voice as Sterling Archer.

APOLLO: LAAANAAAAAAAA!!!

5 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+141 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 542 weeks ago

Didn't Apollo have a son who taught people to, I don't know, farm and hunt and keep animals and all kind of domestic-agriculture-y stuff? I cannot imagine those conversations.

APOLLO: ugh are you still going on about olives
APOLLO'S SON: dad, come on, olives are a great boon to humanity and
APOLLO: bored now
seriously
call me when you have a girl disguised as an olive tree
or a cow
i'd hit that

+179 Vote up Vote down

zachariahary 147p · 542 weeks ago

Jeez, you had to be careful as shit with what you said in Ancient Greece in case a jealous god was eavesdropping. Those fuckers were insecure.
Farmer: "You know, I really am proud of this year's batch of olives. Some of the best we've had."
[Moments later]
Messenger from the Gods: "Uh, yeah. So, your groves have been burned, the earth salted, you've been cursed to eat only olives for eternity but they'll taste like ash, and your children are all goats now. And your wife is a giant eagle. And she just ate your kids."
Farmer: "...but... why?"
Messenger: "Olive hubris, dude. Look it up."

+5 Vote up Vote down

gavinbyrnes 143p · 542 weeks ago

Did this briefly exist a week or so ago, or am I having deja vu/hallucinations?

3 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+81 Vote up Vote down

katiemcgillicuddy 125p · 542 weeks ago

Apollo: midas, what's your fucking problem, we all know i'm a better musician than pan, literally everyone else agrees with this, are you ears fucking broken or something
Midas: agree to disagree??
Apollo: nope, you have donkey ears now, maybe be less of an ass next time HAHA GET IT, DO YOU GET THE JOKE MIDAS
Midas: dude omg wtf

+106 Vote up Vote down

John Bailey · 542 weeks ago

I'd love to see this series cross over into Biblical figures as well, e.g., "Dirtbag David".

5 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+49 Vote up Vote down

Elizabeth Ross · 542 weeks ago

[Phaethon’s mother and sisters crying over his body after he unsuccessfully tried to drive Apollo's Sun chariot]
Apollo: Heeeeey ladies...yeah this is like really sad and all...but some little bros just can't drive a real god's chariot, if you know what I mean. [winks]
Phaethon's mom: [crying] Why didn't you save of our son!
Apollo: Whoooa! Whose son? Are you saying you and I boned? Naw bra, I remember banging Phaethon's mom, and she was a lot younger and hoter than you.
So anyway, I know you're sad and all, but your crying and moaning is really harshing my buzz. So I'm going to turn you all into weeping willows so you can be sad forever, but quietly, and away from me.

2 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

typewriterandgramophone 124p · 542 weeks ago

He is an epic dirtbag in "Ion".

So I got you pregnant when you were twelve, let you think the baby died, took the baby away to my temple and sent him to be your heir in such a way that he looks like your new husband's kid who's come to take your throne, only let you know about this when you're about to kill each other, and then send my sister to explain everything because I don't want to face you. I think Athena did some heavy sisterly sighing offstage in that play.

+182 Vote up Vote down

Tee · 542 weeks ago

Apollo: *strums lyre* anyway here's wonderwall

3 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

scullymurphy 117p · 542 weeks ago

'Dirtbag Apollo' should *definitely* be a band name.

+38 Vote up Vote down

Jeff · 542 weeks ago

Can Tilda Swinton replace everyone? I mean, she could, she would be able to, but would that be a good idea, I see plusses and minuses.

+44 Vote up Vote down

Audley · 542 weeks ago

There's a statue of Apollo in the Louvre where it totally looks like he's taking a selfie.

3 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

wimmer76 135p · 542 weeks ago

Can we agree that Athena is the only member of the Greek pantheon you would really want as a friend? Demeter would be boring. Hermes would be fun, but I think you'd wake up in a lot of places you didn't remember from the night before.

10 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

wimmer76 135p · 542 weeks ago

I guess if you enjoy not having sex and killing people with arrows or bears.

3 replies · active 542 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 542 weeks ago

I can just picture Apollo being like, "Sun's too hot for clothes, they'll just burn right off me, that's how hot I am."

Also all of these paintings are SO DIRTBAGGY.

+62 Vote up Vote down

Arlette · 542 weeks ago

It all sounds like Straight White Boys Texting to me:

hey whats up
cool cool r u into gods
no reason i'm a god haha
no really im a god
you know what the celts call me
apollo cunomaglus
guess what that sounds like

+46 Vote up Vote down

Fl0ssieraptor 111p · 542 weeks ago

Apollo: doesn't it suck
that I'd win every music competition ever
because everyone else sucks too hard to challenge me

Marsyas: what the hay, I'll challenge you

Apollo: this is going to suck for you when I win at music
And also being cute

*Marsyas wins competition by unanimous third party agreement*

Apollo: wow I'm pretty shocked
Actually really super shocked
Just one question though

Marsyas: Yes?

Apollo: How can you play a lyre if you don't have any skin

Marsyas...wait, what?

Apollo: Exactly

+3 Vote up Vote down

lol · 542 weeks ago

athena in iliad: kill everyone lalalalala kill everyone especially that aphrodite ugh i hate her

+10 Vote up Vote down

Amelia · 542 weeks ago

Athena's history of murdering her friends and stealing their names would make her way too risky to be buddies with. Also, while she doesn't reach the heights of dirtbaggery achieved by some of the other gods, she still turned Arachne into a spider for being good at weaving, so she's still pretty insecure/vengeful.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Olive · 542 weeks ago

Only safe god/goddess is Hestia. look it up yo

+14 Vote up Vote down

MunchletteBelle · 541 weeks ago

Artemis: hey guess what i've been hunting with this guy Orion and he's really cool
Apollo: oh yeah?
hey what's that dot on the horizon?
bet u can't shoot it
Artemis: the hell i can't
Apollo: lol u just killed ur bestie
who's really cool now?
Artemis: o_O

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