Dirtbag Tess Of The D’Urbervilles -The Toast

Dirtbag Tess Of The D’Urbervilles

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on May 4, 2015 in Dirtbags

ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
i’ve
i’ve had sex before
TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
I’ve even been to Suffolk
ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything
TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other

ALEC: my god
Tess
please
leave me be
I am a preacher now, and cannot do this
I don’t want to have sex with you again
TESS: i literally never wanted to have sex with you
i didnt even want to have sex with you the first time
ALEC: TEMPT ME NO FURTHER
TESS: i named your baby Sadness and I buried it in the dirt

ANGEL: Tess I’m back from Brazil
I’m ready to give our marriage another shot
TESS: oh hell yes
it’s stabbin’ time
ANGEL: it’s what time
TESS: it’s
thatching time
i said it’s thatching time
i’m so happy we’re going to be married again and i can’t wait to live in a traditional thatched cottage with you
ANGEL: what an odd thing to say

ANGEL: Tess
you’re covered in blood
TESS: don’t worry
it’s not mine
ANGEL: what happened?
TESS: enough questions
i’m in a stabbing mood
and i’ve only done one stabbing today

TESS: i killed Alec for us
ANGEL: like
as a metaphor
right
TESS: no
with an actual knife
with this knife
ANGEL: you mean like
you stabbed the connection between the two of you
emotionally
TESS: no
i literally stabbed him in the heart and face to death
ANGEL: haha
you’re such a kidder

TESS: let’s fuck at Stonehenge before the cops catch up with us
ANGEL: why Stonehenge
TESS: because it’s metal as fuck is why
plus all those rocks look like giant stone dicks

TESS: oh shit
it’s the heat
shit
ANGEL: I will not leave you again
TESS: babe i want you to promise me something
ANGEL: anything
TESS: while i’m in jail
promise me you’ll fuck my sister
ANGEL: what
TESS: she’s never fucked anyone
and you’re good as hell at doing it
i think she’d really like having sex with you
ANGEL: what
TESS: just nail her up good a couple times
i’d really appreciate it

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (75)

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+132 Vote up Vote down

Emma · 517 weeks ago

This is so much more enjoyable than the actual book.

4 replies · active 471 weeks ago

+56 Vote up Vote down

lilsebastian01 151p · 517 weeks ago

...i gotta read Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

5 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+79 Vote up Vote down

Chrisbookarama 89p · 517 weeks ago

This is an improvement 1000 times over. That's the Tess I wanted.

1 reply · active 517 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 517 weeks ago

Somehow I've managed to miss this book completely, although Wikipedia tells me there's an adaptation with Gemma Arterton and Eddie Redmayne? So maybe I'll have to give it a try?

5 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

sardinetits · 517 weeks ago

Mallory, I hope I'm not being too forward, but I want to marry you.

2 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+189 Vote up Vote down

rubeseatsinfo 116p · 517 weeks ago

Look it's a very important book and Hardy was doing a Very Good Thing by trying to convince other old timey men to stop being Dickbags to Women but if I do one good thing on this earth let it be preventing modern women from reading Tess of the D'Ubervilles.

12 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

Eris · 517 weeks ago

I never made it all the way through this book, but I'm more than happy to believe that this is how it all went down.

1 reply · active 517 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

somethingthatneedsnothing 123p · 517 weeks ago

Hoo boy did I sure forget like. Most of the plot of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Was there actually stabbing? I think I only remember her burying a baby... or maybe I remember nothing??? helpppp

2 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+65 Vote up Vote down

Anonymous Reader · 517 weeks ago

This is perfect Hark, a Vagrant! material.

+128 Vote up Vote down

Owlmouse · 517 weeks ago

My high school class despised Tess so much that the English department decided to remove it from the curriculum entirely. The rage of fifty teenage girls was not to be denied.

Dirtbag Tess would have been a vast improvement.

2 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+72 Vote up Vote down

halloweenjack64 115p · 517 weeks ago

" because it’s metal as fuck is why": the only reason needed to do anything, ever.

+3 Vote up Vote down

BessieMaeMucho · 517 weeks ago

Light years more awesome than the musical, which I'm terribly sad I saw (never getting those hours back).
http://variety.com/1999/film/reviews/tess-of-the-...

+18 Vote up Vote down

Sam · 517 weeks ago

Love the French pocket book edition image

(professor recently pointed out to us that all the books he requires are available from Livre de Poche because they're cheap, and if not cheap enough, easy to steal)

2 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

kitkeen 102p · 517 weeks ago

GOD I HATED THIS BOOK SO MUCH. ALL THE MEN IN IT ARE TOTAL DOUCHE CANOES, ESPECIALLY THAT ANGEL LAD WHO CAN'T FORGIVE HER BECAUSE SHE BANGED ANOTHER DUDE BEFORE HIM. JESUS MAN. DOUBLE STANDARDS ALL THE WAY.

TLDR; I've hated this book since I read it in high school, and have forever after called it 'Tess of the Durrrbrains' as a result. Not that any of Thomas Hardy's books are a laugh riot. Jude the Obscure anyone?

1 reply · active 517 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

rookstone 136p · 517 weeks ago

This could only possibly be better if there was even more stabbing.

+41 Vote up Vote down

Tesselsworthy 96p · 517 weeks ago

Pro tip from my younger self: if you know an adolescent/teenager named Tess, do not recommend this book to them. Do not tell them it's a feminist masterpiece. Do not blame them when they start morbidly summarizing the book to acquaintances who ask if they've heard of it.

3 replies · active 517 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

aurorabirdialis 109p · 517 weeks ago

Dear Mallory, I would love you forever and name my next cat after you if you did dirtbag Jude the Obscure. I mean, it would be a long post, because literally everyone in that novel is a dirtbag, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

+25 Vote up Vote down

Site_for_Soris 98p · 517 weeks ago

I also want a dirtbag Bathsheba Everdene, except she's already a pretty big dirtbag, soooo...

+21 Vote up Vote down

2for1cheesecake 123p · 517 weeks ago

Am I the only person who, upon seeing the headline, yelled "I AM READY," then almost died laughing from my own brilliance?
Gosh, I hope not.

1 reply · active 517 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 517 weeks ago

"of the d'Urbervilles" feels weirdly redundant

+34 Vote up Vote down

Jessica · 517 weeks ago

So what do we need to do to get this post to rank #1 in Google for high school students who search "what happens in Tess of the d'Urbervilles" for their term papers?

+15 Vote up Vote down

deleted1508189 95p · 517 weeks ago

This is beautiful. My mom and I, for reasons I don't remember, caught the first half of the movie on Masterpiece Theater (I never actually read the book, but I read John Irving and it came up a lot, so I felt like I read it?) We got so caught up in the plot that we tried to tune in again for part 2, but couldn't figure out when it would be on. I ended up reading the Sparknotes for the second half and called my mom and was like, "Ma, listen to how they did Tess dirty." We were shocked, we were hurting for poor Tess, we agreed that it's for the best that we didn't get to watch part 2.
I want to send her this, but she wouldn't understand it and would be very scandalized because sex and swearing.
I'd be like, look ma, Tess is redeemed.

+11 Vote up Vote down

JellybeanInk 143p · 517 weeks ago

My AP English teacher had us read this. AND then showed us the Roman Polanski film, just in case we didn't hate it enough in book form. I want to send this to her.

+3 Vote up Vote down

stateside_ 114p · 517 weeks ago

so much

+1 Vote up Vote down

John · 517 weeks ago

Much better than the book!

+8 Vote up Vote down

Dan S. · 517 weeks ago

Wait, Angel's in Tess of the D'Urbervilles? How did Joss pull that off?

+6 Vote up Vote down

Maryaed 109p · 517 weeks ago

I was hoping the horny milkmaids would figure into this somehow.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Rebecca · 516 weeks ago

Yes! I always thought so, too. But it turns out to make sense. She is of the family d'Urbervilles, who are long, long, long separated from any actual French language.

And, oh god it's been 20 years since I've read this but it's slowly coming back... I think there's a whole crappy class element to this story too, where she's poor but of the d'Ubervilles which is the old timey fancy family of the area, so it's like we're supposed to feel extra sad about life being unfair because she's from a "good line" or whatever and yet is now poor and downtrodden. And the guy who rapes her is I think a new money guy who is taking the old d'Uberville estate or name or gah never mind. Shite.

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