Instead of taking the stairs, visualize yourself on the floor you want. Your self-confidence will get you there.
Try to make sure you get up every hour or so at work and quit.
Make this the year you stop drinking water. It’s a crutch, and you don’t need it.
It actually doesn’t matter how much sleep you get in a night — all that’s important is that you regularly lay motionless in the dark for at least eight hours. It doesn’t have to be in a bed, or even your own home. Anyone’s home will do.
Watch out for hidden sugars. The safest thing to do is to eat a great deal of it; this way you always know where the sugar is (deep inside of you).
Remember, all punctures count as accupuncture.
Watch out for the new you in the new year. She will try to take your life from you. If she succeeds, no one will ever know what has become of you, so skilled is she at mimicking your manner and way of moving across a room. Be watchful always.
Make sure to watch that Sarah McLachlan commercial about animal shelters until you become wholly desensitized to suffering.
Instead of cooking with butter, scream nails. Instead of cooking with refined-grain pasta, smile poison. Pelt your walls with avocados, then move without giving your landlord 30 days’ notice.
Remember, eating can solve your emotional problems, if you make it a priority.
You might not be ready to quit smoking entirely this year. Try taking smaller steps – start smoking from the other side of the cigarette for a change. Your lungs will appreciate the variety. You’ve heard of muscle confusion and how important it is to strength training; lung confusion is an equally important component of overall health.
Be sure to visit your dentist this year, but do not let him look inside of your mouth. Hold your ground. He will fight you at first, but then he will come to respect you for it.
Eat lunch for every meal.
If you’re figure-conscious, try eating only the watery residue that develops on certain foods: the thin liquid that appears on the surface of yogurt and cottage cheese after a few days, whatever seeps out of your steamed broccoli or microwaved oatmeal, the condensation on the outside of your drink.
Make sure not to lose your body to anyone with witch hands.
Use your teeth for chewing, not for bartering with the Night People. Their bargains are never worth it in the long run.
Only eat the outside of things: the can your tuna comes in, rather than the tuna itself. Make 2014 the year you finally ingest enough packaging.
Don’t just hide vegetables in your food: hide anything you can in there. Keep it secret, keep it safe, keep it in your intestines.
Tags: advice, fitness, health, new year new you
I just read this eerie story about LuluLemon employees and I feel like they would be all over that condensation diet. It’s the essence of food! The wholly purified nutrition! Live on dew, eventually your will expunge yourself of toxins and photosynthesize like a slender birch tree.
okay I may have just dreamed up the hot new 2014 dieting trend, in which you eat dew and become a slender dryad. Trees aren’t fat and now you can be like them! After a cleansing period, your body will begin to photosynthesize and you will transform into the slender wood-sprite you always knew you could be. (caution: side effects may include dizziness, nausea, attraction to compost heaps, hair loss, lichen growing on trunk, feeling of euphoria, fingernails replaced by bark)
If you find yourself being chased down the street by Apollo, you’ll know this diet is working.
LINK ME THIS STORY I WANT EERIE YOGA STORE EMPLOYEE STORIES
here you gooooooo! My new life goal is to be the anti-Ocean. (Ocean. And her triathlete boyfriend Mountain. whaaaaattttttt) http://www.salon.com/2013/12/31/yoga_spinning_and…
Oh man, that’s just….. wow. Thank you for sharing that it was nightmarish.
That was completely terrifying. At least at my office’s Thanskgiving potluck, our table of 7 women was having an informal eating contest (I mean, ideally we wouldn’t be paying attention to what other people eat at all unless they ask us to, but if I had to pick I’d take the coworkers who go back for thirds on dessert any time).
I’m just so freaked out by that kind of relentless positivity. Reminds me of a youth leader I used to have who was convinced that periods were a gift of god and cycles with the moon and ugh ugh ugh. (I could not deal with her saying this while I was having horrendous cramps and scarily heavily flow and I did just tell her to shut up at one point).
I’m OK with relentless positivity, as long as there’s room for acknowledgement of doubt and failure and carbs. And anyone who talks about Tolstoy as “a downer” needs a good slap upside the head.
As soon as the writer mention Landmark, I knew we were in cult territory. I’ve know people who’ve done the Landmark classes and that shit is scary.
That sounds kind of like working for the corporate offices of Whole Foods, but without the benefits of exercise programs. There was a LOT of disordered eating going on, much of it sponsored by company-produced newsletters.
Can I eat breakfast for every meal instead? Breakfast food is so much better than lunch food.
Bacon, pancakes, bacon pancakes… The list goes on!
My thoughts exactly. Waffles 4eva!
“Keep it secret, keep it safe, keep it in your intestines.” Imagine what LotR might have been, had Frodo only listened to everything Gandalf said about the ring.
Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “the one ring” as well.
I read this whole article out loud to my parents. They did not smile.
I thought it was perfect, though. I will definitely make eating a priority.
HA HA I do all of this and I FEEL GREAT!
One of my favorite user-generated some e-card: “Every pizza is a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself.”
New Year’s Resolution: Practice my poisonous smile and nail scream. I’ll need them to defeat New Me…
THE NIGHT PEOPLE.
Who are they? How can I learn of their ways? What do they do with the teeth?
You don’t want to know what they do with the teeth.
We use them to upgrade our rifles and trukks.
Don’t forget the piano! She plays well, but only human teeth will suffice.
i’ve decided to stop cooking with butter, and instead cook with brown butter. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE IN 2014
Can’t fit a gym membership in your budget right now? Improve your finances *and* flexibility by becoming a cat-burglar. Bonus: the getaway makes a great cardio workout!
BRB, PRIORITIZING EMOTIONAL EATING
stop drinking coffee! just shoot it directly into your heart with a hypodermic needle.
The One Weird Trick That Will Turn You Into a Skeleton in No Time.
(It’s starvation. Nutritionists hate me.)
If one more person tells me about their amazing cauliflower pizza recipe, I’ll have to cut them with my pizza cutter. Pizza and cauliflower are not friends. They don’t know each other. Vegetarians, stop trying to make cauliflower happen.
Similarly…
1. Spaghetti squash is not actual pasta.
2. Cut-up pieces of Quest bars are not cookies.
3. That goo that forms around chia seeds does not make something pudding.
4. Pancakes made with protein powder instead of flour/butter/sugar are not real pancakes.
5. Greek yogurt and cocoa powder is not chocolate ice cream.
oh quest bars. I was in the bar area [1] of the organic market [2] yesterday and there were two teenage-ish girls blocking the aisle so they could hold up various bars and read the ingredients to each other loudly and make fun of them. they had particular contempt for soy isolate protein. THAT’S DISGUSTING, they said to each other. WHY WOULD YOU EAT THAT, they demanded. good for them, questioning the bararchy like that.
[1] not like for barware or bar ingredients like tonics and bitterses, just where they keep all the unpleasant substances compressed into bar form.
[2] I go there for maple sugar and stroopwafels and cream that I hope and believe is produced by asking the cows nicely and paying them fairly for their labor in some kind of cow currency. Not bars of anything.
Someone made me spaghetti squash “pasta” once. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it is the only food I actually hate. I ate some anyway. It was so awful.
I bought In-N-Out Burger on the way home and had no regrets.
You are truly a hero. The only pasta I will condone is made with 00 flour and eggs. By me. Preferably in fettucini form, but also in ravioli/agnolotti form.
I’m a vegetarian, and I like cauliflower, but I would never, ever put it on pizza. I’m not a monster.
The sad and terrible thing is, you do not put it ON the pizza, you mush it up and call it the PIZZA CRUST! The sadness, it overwhelms me.
(I will say though, I have a friend who is a pediatric neurologist, and apparently some kids with epilepsy can control it by having a very-super-low-carb diet, and for this application only, I will allow it.)
yeah. I have PCOS and flirt with going lower-carb to help with insulin issues. I love pizza and have had some friends who have Celiac advise cauliflower crust pizzas. But I have THE FEAR that it’d ruin cauliflower/be a huge gross mess.
I think your ire should be directed at the gluten free, not the vegetarian — I think folks usually do it to replace the crust, no?
apparently cauliflower is the new kale according to my sister who knows these things (while I was on the couch waiting for my mom to finish cooking the fancy bacon , she was at yoga), which is ridiculous because it looks and tastes like weird nothing.
I actually really love cauliflower. Roasted cauliflower is amazing food. But steamed mashed cauliflower is no substitute for mashed potatoes no matter how much butter you add. They are different foods, with different textures. Enjoy cauliflower for what it is and stop turning it into a punishment!
Need to lose 50 or more lbs and alienate your friends and family? For the low low price of $625, I have a surefire solution?
(Hint: It’s an ounce of meth)
Over New Year’s we were browsing through my late grandma’s old photo albums. One of them comprised mainly photos from family gatherings of a man she had dated in the mid-1980s, and it was rendered especially hilarious to flip through unlabeled, unidentifiable candids of someone ELSE’s family. And then we turned the page, and found the greatest photo spread of all time: a portrait of each of them with another person, largely and clearly labeled “JOE’S DENTIST, FARMINGTON, CT” followed by “MY DENTIST, FARMINGTON, CT”
So I will go see my dentist, but only to take her photo — one day my grandchildren will need to know.
Accupuncture is just a map of where punctures could occur, like accuweather, but with a needles forecast.
Banished henceforth is the stress of MAKING someone read my banal comments before the whole internet is allowed to read my banal comments–actually getting a fucking ID account is going to make this one healthy new year.
What if I want to use SOME of my teeth to bargain with the Night People for healthy and intact teeth? Because I’m facing down thousands of dollars in dental bills and am going to be losing some teeth anyway, I might as well get something out of it.
I have been meaning to observe: what is with the homoerotic picture which accompanies this post?
What? Are we MEN!?! Are we not lesbians? Do we not bleed?
Ortberg, you want to get my attention with a pertinent illustration may I recommend a luscious lady licking an oyster? A dangerous dame devouring a peach? A fabulous femme frenching a fry?
Yeah. You saw what I did there Totally not biting down on the phallic phastry. Not swallowing that!
And I mean this all in the nicest possible way. Hugs and kisses.
That first tip might just be the best advice I’ve ever read!
i agree with your that point “eating can solve your emotional problems, if you make it a priority.” And absolutely we eat hard thing with teeth not tongue 😛
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